My parents ,both 98, live in their home. My dad has recently had some health issues,a tumor in his kidney which was embolized to stop bleeding. My dad has always been a very impatient person,wanting instant gratification or becoming angry when it doesn't happen. Lately it is that he doesn't need to make an appointment to see his doctors and will just walk into their office demanding to be seen. He still drives locally and has now decided that handicap parking is for him although he is quite able to walk from the parking lot. I brought this up with him yesterday and he blew his stack. I kept my voice calm while explaining that those spots are reserved for people who really need them. He didn't care. My mom has been relatively healthy but is deaf,will not wear her hearing aid,her legs are failing,and fell recently and cracked a couple of ribs. My sister and I sat down with both offering some advice on how we could make the house safer and were met with my mom throwing an outright nutty. we offered to put a different toilet seat with rails to help her stand. Last week while trying to get up off the toilet sh snapped a towel rack off the wall which also supported the bathroom sink. My dad thought it a good idea to put in this seat. My mother left it there until I left and then started badgering my dad so he removed it. Now they have something he found through mail order that attaches with string. I do not believe it to be safe. We offered to bring in a home health aid to help my mom shower and dress. That was also met with an outburst. Now my mom wants to go into assisted living because she thinks they will be at her beck and call. My dad does not and wants to stay home. It seems like I spend every free minute there refereeing whatever argument is going on at the time. My mom can be very controlling and generally gets her way. We offered to hire a cleaning service to come in once a week which ended the way of the toilet. We mentioned having a different tub or shower installed to make it safer which ended the same way. Back to my dad,he still drives and shouldn't be . His car is covered in dents which he claims were someone else's fault. I broached the subject a few months ago and got blasted for even thinking it. I worry about him injuring someone else. As I said before he is very stubborn. My sister and I brought up assisted living and my mom is all for it. What she thinks it is and reality are very different. My dad would probably do well except for meals. He is the fussiest eater I have ever seen. He only eats certain things and say if out to a restaurant will send food back to the kitchen repeatedly. My wife and I stopped going out with my parents years ago because it became such an issue. My dad will eat no sauce or gravy,no mayo,cream,melted cheese,etc. every cut of meat is terrible. He would probably starve at assisted living or at the very least alienate the kitchen staff. My sister and I want them to safe and happy,but are getting very stressed dealing with this subject. My sister lives a bit away so it falls on me to deal with most issues.
Grab bars - been there, done that. At first it was one in the shower. Then one next to the toilet. Another three were added until there was no more room for another grab bar. Yes grab bars kept them living in their home but their home was not ADA accessible, which made e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g so much more difficult. Why make things easier when you can make them harder???!!!
Driving badly - been through that too. In independent living, at least they have transportation services and they also can use Uber.
Forcing the issue of moving out - this is where I believe objectivity helps everyone involved. It helps the parents because they finally get the support they need. It helps us kids because we gain peace of mind.
I watched my husband get more and more depressed as he kept playing to his parents' tune. His parents, who were making awful decisions for themselves, were calling all the shots. It affected my marriage. It affected me. It affected them. It affected the whole family in a very bad way. No one wanted to visit anymore because it was depressing.
We "forced the issue" by starting with a respite/vacation for my inlaws. And when they came back and pretended like nothing happened and things would just go back to the way they were, we called their bluff and would NOT let the topic of independent living go. We brought it up at least once a week. We asked the siblings to bring it up when they visited or called. And we stopped enabling them.
Yes, I'd ask the doctor for certification for a handicap hang tag, at least for mom's sake. I'd also ask for a psychiatric workup for your dad; he sounds quite easily agitated.
My sister & I did extensive research and a lot of "visits" to facilities and found a huge facility (Fieldstone Place) that had Independent living on one side of the building and assisted living on the other. We talked them into moving into independent living (because Pop was in such great shape) by telling Pop this was best for Mom. It was a one bedroom apartment - handicapped accessible everything - housekeeping once a week, laundry facilities on their floor, a KITCHEN (with full-sized refrigerator and stove top), a dining facility (the rent was based upon how many meals per day they accessed - they chose 2x per day), activities galore, a barber/beauty shop, extra lounge areas on each floor, transportation available - AND it was a beautiful, clean facility. Several of the local agencies had visiting assistants that could come to help Mama - give her showers, check her blood pressure, etc. And Pop didn't have to worry about mowing any lawns or cleaning gutters.
My parents would go downstairs for lunches and dinners (socialization) OR they chose to make their own meals in their kitchen (as long as it didn't involve an oven). They placed their little bag of trash outside their door (which was a hallway inside the building) - staff would pick it up. If staff didn't see my folks at meals or the trash wasn't placed outside every couple of days, they'd call or come by to check to see if everything was okay. And they gave my parents "emergency" necklaces with buttons to push to bring a nurse to the apartment immediately.
They lived there 3+ years before Mama passed away - and I think the place prolonged her life. I strongly encourage you to check around for something like that - it might be a relief to both your parents.
As for the parking....don't stress it. At his age, I think he deserves to save a few steps. Maybe you should talk to his doctor about giving him a card for his rearview mirror?
Good luck.
I think that you're moving in the right direction!
What I really want to say to you, JimL is that we're now in the time of life that we have to make decisions for our parents because their ability to make good decisions has begun to fail them. It's hard and it's heartbreaking. You have the best intentions for them - keep that feeling in your heart and follow it, despite the bumps you'll have to hit along the way.
The driving worries me. If Dad is denting up the car he shouldn't be on the road. You may have to force this issue with him and just be prepared for the yelling.
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