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Mom is in assisted living and has been diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's. We are her only family in the state and we generally visit her 3-4 times per week. As caregivers, we both need some "us time" to recharge. However, we do feel guilty about leaving. Our daughter will be able to look in on Mom when we are gone. Any feedback is much appreciated.

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What are your expectations for telling her as opposed to not telling her?
Is she able to use a calendar to keep track of days of the week, the activities in her residence, TV Schedules?

When you visit, does she speak things that occurred during your last visit, or have occurred SINCE your last visit?

My LO has almost NO functional short term memory. The passage of hours/days/weeks, mean nothing to her, as far as we can determine. She comfortably spends time in the present, but her present and distant past are all that she has available to her.

I am fairly confident that if we were to go away, she would be unaware of the difference when we returned.

If your mother is in a similar situation, I’d wait until your last visit before your departure before telling her.

If she has recollection of the passage of current time, I’d buy a large calendar and indicate departure, destinations, and events, and post it in a conspicuous place in her room. Perhaps also mention to her caregivers to introduce conversations about your travels during the time you’re away.

ENJOY YOUR TRIP!!!!!
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I don't have experience with Alzheimer's, but can offer you my suggestion based on my 89 year old MIL who suffers from anxiety and depression. I would tell your MIL that you are going on vacation, but wait to do so until just prior to your departure. I know my MIL would fret and obsess over the info the longer in advance that she had it. Reassure her that her AL community will take good care of her and that your daughter will be available during your absence. As caregivers, you know firsthand how important it is for you and your husband to get away for your "us time"...it is hard not to feel guilty, but you deserve and to be frank, need this away time for your physical and mental health. Best wishes and hoping you and your husband have a wonderful vacation.
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In our family, we practice "just in time" information to reduce the fretting and obsessing. When my mother was dealing with her mother, our grandmother, who lived to the age of 94, she ultimately had to withhold info altogether about the bus tour trips she and my dad would take. Before that, once my grandmother learned of an upcoming trip, she would devise all kinds of ways to disrupt and lay on guilt. My sister still has a recording, I think, of a call from Grandma when she acted out a problem, saying something's wrong and actually tapping on the phone to add drama. Drama was her middle name! We were onto her tricks, though, and often found humor in her antics.

Don't tell until you're practically on the way. If you lay out an itinerary with dates, she could follow along. A phone call or two to her during the time away would probably help.
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97yroldmom Jul 2019
Parenting
we did that too. It really does depend on the elder. My mom didn’t have dementia but she was very anxious about any trip she had to take so we told her the absolute last minute. But she loved to hear about others travel so I think it depends on the senior.
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I am answering this as I am about to board a plane for Aruba after spending a week with family and friends. As luck would have it, my 94 yr old dad called me this morning and said my 82 yr old mom with dementia is in hospital with another UTI. We have no other family close by. So...before I left, we made arrangements with a home care agency to help them if needed while I was gone. Although they live in AL, the facility does not have the ability to provide personal care as some do. So, I reminded dad about that option if he needs extra help with mom or wants someone to stay with him at hospital. I made a hospital packet for them with all doctor contact info, medical directives, poa info, and med lists.
Yes, I would rather be there, but I also need to be with my husband. Will I enjoy the trip? Who knows.
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97yroldmom Jul 2019
Judy
Thats a very practical package you left. I hope you have someone to call for YOUR piece of mind so that you can enjoy the trip.
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Yes, tell her; write the departure and return dates on her calendar; and most of all make sure the ALF staff know - they're the ones who are going to have to explain where you've got to! Or they and your daughter, at least.

You'll send post cards or something will you? They'll be helpful to the staff when it comes to explaining, as well as nice for your mother to get. I used to send chatty emails to mother, via the facility's office, when she was in respite care; but as your mother is a permanent resident here and not holding her breath until it's time to go home again I shouldn't think that would be necessary for you.

And then go, and have a wonderful time, and come back firing on all cylinders. Bon voyage!
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Every situation is going to be different and, as others have said, you probably know best if your Mom will remember what you tell her. When we went away, I did tell my Mom (in MC) and I said I would call every day. When I did call, I was surprised that she remembered we were away so I'm glad I gave her the information. She would ask me when we were going to be back and I would always say "soon". She wouldn't remember to look at a calendar or even know how that related to our return so "soon" seemed to be OK for her. Enjoy your trip and know she will be taken care of while you are gone. It's great that you have a daughter who can visit too!
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If possible, before you leave, go only once or twice a week - do NOT mention it. It will upset and make her afraid even though she will soon forget. She really has no idea if you are there or not - just the moments you are actually there.

Go and have a great time. She will be safe.
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It depends on her cognitive level
If she knows that you visit Monday, Wednesday and Friday and she will miss your visit then yes tell her.
If she does not know when you visit, the day and how many days there are between your visits then I would not tell her.
In the first scenario she would be aware of your absence in the second she would not.
As others have said make sure the facility is aware you are going to be away.

I would also leave your daughter's information in case of emergency. Give your Daughter authority to make decisions. I only suggest this because in an emergency they will want the ability to do begin treatment right away and if you are 10 hours away to wait for a physical authorization might be longer than they want. If your daughter can authorize treatment in your absence that would be a time saver. Obviously they and she would consult you in such matters.
And if your MIL has a DNR or POLST make sure your daughter has a copy as well as the facility.
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I would tell her and tape a calendar with your schedule somewhere like the door to her room or somewhere she will see it. Also call, etc. My mom was unable to understand the time of day or how to do a lot of simple things, but taped, short instructions worked. For example, I got her an Amazon Alexa button and taped the instruction "Alexa, play classical music" and mom was able to do that. She never would have remembered to say that. In other words, after you tell her, put up some kind of written reminder. Maybe use pretty paper, upbeat stickers, or something to jazz it up so it's not just writing, but also encouraging.
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Go ahead and go and don’t feel guilty. You sound like great people to visit that much. Most people wouldn’t visit that often. Soon enough we may be in that position so we have to live our lives too. Life is short so take trips while you can. You can’t change the way things are with your MIL.
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