Currently, I live in the US and my dad lives in the middle east. He used to be the best dad imaginable until I was 16. Once we moved to the US, he became my family's biggest nightmare. He would hit us, not work, etc. He even cut his own arm and tried to blame my mom for it to put her in jail. Every night, I stayed up all night worried that he would hurt my mom. 9 years later, my mom moved out and filed for divorce. While their divorce was being finalized, I graduated from college and moved to a different state for work. For years, I was afraid of him showing up at my mom's new house and hurting her. I remember going to my manager's office to ask him a work-related question and I burst out in tears due to being so concerned about my mom's safety and my dad's maniac behavior. He basically made life a living hell for over a decade. He finally moved back to the middle east but traveled to the US every couple of years and each time he presented us with new challenges. He continued to embarrass us with his cheap ways of living even though he had/has plenty of money and properties.
Recently he became hospital bound and after multiple CT scans they found cancer in his liver, spine, etc. I know he has less than 2 years to live. I'm torn on what to do. Should I travel for two days one way to visit him? Will I regret not visiting him? My sibling has made up their mind that they are not visiting him. My dad's sister, nieces and nephews are looking after him right now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and regretted their decision later?
You are clearly better off without him in your life.
Wishing you all the best.
My parents split up when I was a toddler, and my dad left my mum to raise me on her own. She had told him that would be best; however, my mum was a teenager when she married and became a mum, whereas he was in his twenties.
He should have stepped up, but he didn't. He didn't provide for me or ensure that I was safe, and I needed someone to do both those things. My mum loved me, but she had no clue what she was doing.
50 years later, I found my father on Facebook, living in Thailand, and we started talking. I could tell that, although there were some aspects of his personality that I liked, he was pretty self-absorbed and I could see why my mum thought he would have been unreliable.
A year later, during lockdown, my father found out he had cancer, which had spread to his spine, and he quickly became paralysed.
He wanted to come back to the UK, so I worked hard to get him back, dealing with the Foreign Office, medical repatriation companies, the Thai hospitals, solicitors, and other organisations.
I had to get up at 2 am to speak with the care home in Thailand every day, then teach online. I was exhausted.
When I eventually got him back to the UK, I visited him nearly every day for the last 6 weeks of his life. By this time, I was ill from stress and I was also made redundant.
One of my closest friends, who knew how much I wanted to meet my father when I was young, had told me I should fly out to Thailand (forget Covid and the quarantine period!) and see my dad before he dies (at that point it seemed impossible that I would get him home). I stopped her booking tickets on one of the few flights still running, just in time!
No - there was no way I was going to risk getting stranded on the other side of the world for a man who had abandoned me. My daughter and my mum came first. Not to mention myself.
Conversely, my cousin asked me why I did all this when my dad had done nothing for me. I replied that I didn't do it for him; I did it for me. I needed to do it because of the type of person I am.
Nevertheless, the stress and strain of what I did, with my dying father expecting me to work miracles, took its toll on my health, and I often wished that I hadn't tried so hard, that I'd said it was impossible (I was first quoted over £100,000 to get him home, due to the paralysis). Now, I'm glad I did it, and found out what I was capable of.
So, what type of person are you and what do you need?
If you need him to say sorry, you risk a huge disappointment and more emotional trauma. However, if this could give you closure, and it won't bankrupt you, then it might help. Only you can know. Just be sure to do what's right for you. He doesn't deserve anything from you.
And no, I have had no regrets whatsoever, as I had long ago forgiven him, but for my own mental health chose to stay estranged from him till the end.
So only you know what decision you can live with or not. And perhaps just a phone call will do since he is so far away.
You do what is best for you and no one else.
God bless you.
No regrets not going, if this person called dad is just going to inflict further abuse or try to shred his heart.
Nobody should be made to feel that not going isn't the right thing, because it is sometimes the right thing.
It seems to me that your worst fear is that you may feel some guilt after he is gone.
You didn't cause his cancer and you can't cure it so there is no reason for guilt.
His abuse has left him where he is currently, reaping what he has sown. We generally die amidst and in the consequences of the life we lived.
For myself I would not visit.
We are all different.
As to death? When he passes I would be sad that his life was the one he chose. I would be relieved that his unhappiness and pain is over with. I would continue on with a quality life that doesn't pay this history forward generationally. I would be the best friend, spouse, dad, whatever anyone ever had.
We all live and we all die. We all write our own story in our own life.
Your choice must be your own. You have the right to make it for yourself.
I am with Beatty here when it comes to...will you be expected to take over Dads care. It is a moral delemia. That is a long journey. Would you feel comfortable staying in his home or relatives? Really, I would not travel that far for only a few days in hopes that he apologizes. Or spend the money. Maybe if he now feels remorseful I would travel that distance. But a lot of
people feel remorseful on their deathbed but it does not change the hurt they caused. I would hate to see you spend all that money and time and have no closure.
My fear for our OP is that in going he may be met with anger. Some live angry and die angry and if you are still needing to hear the love, that often isn't forthcoming. But if OP knows that and can do this last thing for his dad and himself, then that would be wonderful.
I think it's an excellent question, and see here that he has excellent support for both sides of "what to do here".
And I surely agree this is a question we see on aging care often. And will continue to see given human limitations and striving.
I would encourage you to do that and decide from there. Because he is going to be himself and you don't want to walk into an abusive situation without taking the temperature. Speak on the phone several times before buying a plane ticket, you will know if you should go.
Many people hope for a death bed reconciliation and get their hearts shredded by a dying person with so much hate in their hearts that they want to injure those that love them.
My heart goes out to you, I was faced with a similar situation with my mom. I have no regrets but, I think I will always be a little sad that she was so set on leaving me broken when she left this world. I didn't give her that opportunity, I stayed in touch via phone calls and was able to disconnect when she went for the jugular. It was very hard to not go to her but, her actions and words on the phone were all the warning I needed.
Whatever you decide you must do for you, be prepared for anything and may God lead, guide and direct you in your decision.
Talk to Dad or talk to family FIRST. THEN decide what is the best move for your own life.
And I so agree that whatever decision our OP makes it should be his best decision for HIMSELF.
I can't believe you're even considering it.
If your going because you are hoping to get some form of apology, you may likely be very disappointed.
If you don't visit him will you feel guilt? You know you might, so work on that guilt now, get counseling, and learn how to deal with the guilt.
Ill tell you this when a loved one dies almost everyone has some sence of guilt.
Mine is for not getting him the fried fish sandwich, he asked for before he passed. We pretty much all feel some, would of could ofs after a death, so even if you go something will happen to put you in that guilt mode.
So just be sure in the fact that YOU deserve happiness, after all you have been though, and you do!!!!
To see him in person?
To support family members with him?
Hope for an apology from him?
Do you have concerns about seeing your overseas family?
Do you expect any pressure to stay on? Unfair or unrealistic expectations held about you?
I guess it may come down to what you imagine you would regret more...
Regret over not ever seeing him again VS regret visiting if it was very emotional upsetting.
PS if it is a goodbye & good riddance revengeful speech you want to give, you could do that via video & safe the airfare. I have met one person who took a 4 hour plane trip to do that. He was happy he did it. But I have also heard of others who wished for that kind of closure but found themselves unable to do it when faced with such a frail shell of a person.
I wish you peace whatever you decide.
I don't care what anyone says about how people can still be aware even when they can't communicate, I know that my dad was well past understanding. He had lost his grip on reality days before - his brain took him to another place that made his passing easier for him.
I also spoke gently and told him that it was time to let go. He wasn't ready to die, but his body couldn't continue.
By letting it out, I helped myself.
I could have done it another way. You're right - you don't need to travel thousands of miles to make peace. Not with the other person, but with yourself. You're the one who matters.
up ties with your abuser. Nowhere in your post did you say that he wants to see you, and he may not.
If you’re expecting apologies and declarations of love, that probably won’t happen. Please don’t set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.
I have not been in this situation but I think I would always wonder if we could have connected more positively at the end. I would always wonder if he wanted to explain himself, apologize, or just be at peace telling me he loved me. I, personally, would give my Dad this opportunity on his death bed but it's completely understandable if you don't want to.