Hello, My mom is 88, has always been emotionally immature and self-absorbed (no dementia). I've never set many boundaries with her. She doesn't 'get' boundaries. Example- She's always called me and talked and talked(!) about nothing and I've listened. So draining. Over the years, I've asked her to not call so much. I don't even like talking on the phone, am a total introvert. She doesn't stop. She cries when I ask her to stop. I would describe her as on the low end of the narcissistic spectrum. But since January, things have escalated...
In Jan., my stepdad (age 95) and mom got Covid. He died of it. She is ok now, but it affected her heart and kidneys. My brother and I (1 brother, no sisters) have spent SO MUCH TIME dealing with her- doctors, hospital stays, moving her to an independent living facility, doing her finances, groceries, etc., etc. (I live 5 hours from her; my brother, 1 1/2 hrs.) My mom has always been needy and dependent. She expects us to do everything for her now. My brother? Jumps through hoops to do whatever she wants. I help, but I don't jump.
About 6 weeks ago, I reached an 'aha' moment realizing that my mom is a covert narcissist. She has many bad behaviors toward me, but they've gotten WAY worse. (And it's not from grieving.) She bullies me. She compares me to other daughters my age. I've asked her to stop. She doesn't stop. Too, she has always interrupted and talked over me. I've been speaking up for myself the last few weeks. I ask her over and over to stop interrupting me. She's interrupting when I'm asking this! It. Does. Not. Stop.
To everyone else, she's this sweet lady. To me, she's the opposite. I've been calling her out on her bad behaviors lately. She doesn't like it and turns things around and blames me. She yells at me. In July, she went into a RAGE. I hid in her condo bathroom to get away. She hides her bad behavior from others. The rage was when my husband went to do a curbside pick-up. Of course, she stopped right before he got back.
In the past several weeks, I've read 22 books (no kidding!) about emotionally immature, self-absorbed, and narcissistic parents. Wow, did they open my eyes!! They describe my mom to a T. I see patterns now over and over (from decades!). My brother, whom I felt so close to most of my life, is now treating me differently. I'm pretty sure my mom is triangulating. I see my brother is the Golden Child. And I am the Scapegoat. My brother's wife has always treated me passive-aggressively. Now, I feel this united front of the 3 of them against me. My husband totally sees it too. It's distressing and disturbing.
Last night, I lost it with my mom over the phone. She doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to her on the phone and only want to correspond by text or email. I told her I'm treated kinder that way. She doesn't listen though because she's interrupting me! She was yelling at me. And sadly, I was yelling back. I'm so very angry with her. She DENIES all her bad behavior. She denied going into a RAGE in July. Huh?! She denies comparing me to other daughters though she does it over and over. She gaslights. Her answer when I tell her something she said was hurtful? "I never said that!"
I am accomplished in my field, have a master's degree and also play the piano. My mom didn't go to college, has no hobbies, is not musical. (I'm way more like my dad, who passed away 31 years ago. I miss him so much.) On top of everything else, I think she's envious of me too. I have a good marriage, 4 wonderful grown kids, and 4 adorable grandkids. My life is good. Except for the relationship with my mom. It is eating away at me. Too, last night my mom asked 2x why I don't get along with my brother now. I wanted to (though I didn't) scream that she's manipulating our relationship and causing the rift! Everything channels 'through' her, has for many years.
My question- Do I go grey rock? Or should I write my mom a letter/email explaining why I feel so mistreated by her?
"Grey rock" is a method. You use it when dealing with Narcissistic, abusive people you find yourself having to care for. Its basically ignoring them. You do what you need to do but don't look them in the eye or engage verbally. You do not show they are getting to them.
Then God blessed me with this video. I have downloaded it and watch it every day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g
Since following their advice my stress level has plummeted.
May I suggest you do the same.
It is the only answer and the ONLY thing that will set you free.
No letter. Don’t try to explain yourself. Your mother has a thimble full capable of love. Yours is much, much larger. She is not capable of understanding you. She was never a mother. She was never a mother you wanted, needed, or deserved. Acknowledge that and bury it.
I am your age. I have gone through exactly what you have. And I saw one of the best therapists after I was emotionally crippled by my last visit to my NPD mother. I almost committed suicide. This therapist told me she would not treat me unless I went no contact. I needed her help and I was so afraid. So I emailed my mother and told her point-blank that I was in therapy and I could not contact her according to my therapist. It worked. My therapist gave me strength and she worked fast. I turned my life around in literally 10 days. But the healing took much, much longer.
To this day I have not contacted “mother” and although she has written me and continues to send gifts to the home, I have not responded.
Nothing trumps no contact. Do it.
If you want the name of the person who saved me, it is Lindsey Peterson. Google her name or “the Responsive woman.”
After you do, then I highly recommend looking into other resources to address depression, social skills, and other areas of your life that have been affected by having an NPD mother. i first bought a dozen or so books on the topic and educated myself.
Now, I take daily walks and listen to a life coach who is also giving me social skills training (at my age if you can believe it!). I’m also considering TMS for depression. All of us have crutches because we have addictions. I am doing Hypnosis for mine. Finally, I am planning to volunteer and participate more in MeetUp groups to expand my social network. But that is *my* plan. Your plan will be different. It will be for you.
An update- now I record on my phone everytime I hear her lying to family members or treating me abusive when noone is in the room. She has told me countless times that she definitely doesnt need my help when she becomes unable to take care of herself. Currently I am my father's p caretaker along with my children who help as much as possible.
I take these videos because in the future they will speak for themselves. I will be able to let go of any guilt or obligation to care for her. I have come to her aid my entire life, have the scapegoat role, and refuse to let her poisonous behavior take my retirement years or cause so much stress that I become ill and my children will have to care for me as a result. My only obligation in life is to take care of my self and be as healthy as I can and to be responsible for my well being. Just because I gave life to my 4 terrific children does not give me the right to expect love and care in return. That is earned by how I treat them.
I also record what she says and does as a real reminder of how important words and actions are. I do not want to be like her. When she cries self pity I will play her the videos.
My mom has been in the hospital the last 12 days (again, she's 5 hrs. from me). She's not doing well. My brother has been at the hospital with her (he lives 1 1/2 hrs. away from her). He's still jumping through hoop after hoop. After hoop. He mostly texts updates to me and my husband. I've spoken on the phone a couple of times with my brother. (He always sounds irritated.) Today was a disaster with him. So disturbing to me. The cardiologists and nephrologists are trying to decide whether my mom is well enough for some procedures - angiogram, TAVR, etc. She called me this morning before my brother went to the hospital. She asked me what she should do, have an angiogram or not. (She's ALWAYS wanted me to make decisions for her.) I told her what I thought and suggested we have a group call when my brother arrived by 11am. I texted him and said Mom had called and I'd like a group call. He texted he didn't think a group call would be helpful. I responded I'd like one. He responded 'not interested.' Just wow. I was totally dismissed.
I get that he's doing everything. I helped a lot until about 2 months ago when my mom went into the RAGE at me. I emailed him about that several weeks ago. I've since said a couple of times to him how appreciative I am of him doing things for her and please let me know if he starts feeling resentful toward me. No comment from him. Honestly, I'm scared to go see my mom because of Covid. Where she lives, there are SO many cases of it. My brother and I are both vaccinated, but he's braver about going in places. I'm actually surprised re all the stores, etc. he goes in. I often babysit my 4 grandkids and I do not want to get Covid. (And I believe my mom is in the condition she's in because of getting it in January! I told her last summer (2020), though I'm sure she wasn't listening, that if she got Covid I couldn't come help. She was going in stores, church, etc. before there were vaccines and I told her I didn't think she should be going all those places. She dismissed me.)
I hate to think what's going to happen when she passes away and I have to deal with my family dynamics (also all the 'stuff' she would not get rid of before moving to the independent facility in early Sept. My brother helped move her. I suggested she get rid of lots of things and I went in July to help re that. She got rid of practically nothing. My brother's comment - "Whatever Mom wants.")
All so dysfunctional. In an email several weeks ago, I wrote my brother I feel like I won the scapegoat lottery and my family (implying Mom, him, his wife) are throwing stones at me. He didn't respond to that comment. But that's how I feel. I didn't, and do not plan to, say I think they're narcissists. It would make everything worse to say that. But, wow, what is happening is totally straight out of all the books I've read. We're textbook Scapegoat, Golden Child, and Triangulation. I'll never be able to get them to see it. Sad.
Thank you for 'listening' and letting me vent!!
very sorry to hear you went through that.
i’ll try to follow some things you did.
hug!!
:)
hug!!
i hope your life is going ok.
:)
we must do everything, to make our life ok!!
don’t let narcs “win”.
their goal is to destroy us, make us miserable.
maybe there’s some love. there’s also a lot of hatred towards us.
THEY DON’T HAVE OUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. WATCH OUT.
you wrote:
“To everyone else, she's this sweet lady. To me, she's the opposite. I've been calling her out on her bad behaviors lately. She doesn't like it and turns things around and blames me. She yells at me. In July, she went into a RAGE. I hid in her condo bathroom to get away. She hides her bad behavior from others.”
typical.
all over the world, narcs do the same thing.
it’s not a disorder.
they’re simply mean.
a person with a disorder/crazy, acts the same towards everyone. this is intentionally targeted at you ONLY.
they can switch it on/off anytime. proof: if there are witnesses, they behave better.
typical:
cruel mother against sweet daughter.
a woman against another woman.
i think many of us would love to hear from the narc, “you’re right. i did all those bad things against you. i’m sorry.”
we’d like them to admit, and this might give us peace.
but they’ll never admit.
not on deathbed, not ever.
hugs.
succeed in your life.
and try to keep those ugly words away from your ears/head, otherwise the ugly/unfair words will swim around your head, during the day and night (while you try to sleep).
they’ll never stop.
hugs!!
we must succeed, how ever you want to define “success”.
the best would be, to be a happy, financially successful daughter.
hug!!!
you know what?
i succeeded!!
she tried to destroy me, but she didn’t.
i’m happy. i’m financially independent/successful. i have wonderful friends, etc.
she continues trying to destroy me. but it doesn’t work. i’m a happy person.
In the past year, she only has had one relapse and I shut her down fast. I’ve made so much progress in my healing, I’m not going back there again. If she can’t stop, I will walk away. If you feel you’ve reached that point, do it. Life is too damn short to torture yourself feeling indebted and allowed to be revictimized again and again.
Make the most of your life, surrounding yourself with positive energy, love, health, and happiness. After all, what if you died before your mom? How would you want to spend the last of your days? None of us are promised a tomorrow. Enjoy whatever time God grants you be it 2 months or 20 years surrounded by people who love and respect you.
Make it clear to your brother, and write a letter to your mom. If for no other reason, it will give you the opportunity of clearing your slate so that you can move on, free of baggage.
Best of luck.
***. Sorry mom, I’m in the middle of something … ***Sorry mom , just on my way out the door … *** Sorry mom I’m going to have to catch up with you tomorrow … Sorry mom,………. this might help as you decide how to make your decision .
SHE will NEVER change but YOU can . You have the ability and power .
I hear what you are saying and have so much compassion for you. I am in the exact same situation. I hung in there with my family in order to maintain the little bit of a relationship I have with my two brothers (who both married versions of my mother). Now I wish I would have moved away when I was 20 and abandoned them all. The amount of pretense required to be with my mother and brothers is exhausting and makes me sick inside. I visit my mother in the nursing home weekly out of obligation. I leave feeling sick for at least a day. She is 90 and her Black Widow of an aunt, who was her role model, lived until she was 98. My mother may outlive me. Sometimes I feel like the whole world thinks everyone has a wonderful, loving mother and to say otherwise is terrible! Just as many of us have selfish, narcissist, jealous, competitive abusive mothers. There is no outlet for us. You want to scream hate at her but it will do no good except to justify the lies she has told about you. (you were probably her scapegoat)
I bet you were a wonderful mother. Try to take solace in that. This is one of life's brutal inequities, getting a $hitty mother.
hugs to you!!
i agree 100% with you.
i feel compassion for all of us in this situation.
as you wrote:
“Just as many of us have selfish, narcissist, jealous, competitive, abusive mothers. There is no outlet for us.”
—exactly
you wrote:
“This is one of life's brutal inequities, getting a $hitty mother.”
—agreed! …for the first time i felt like that 2 days ago… “why was i born to an abusive mother?”
…i hope somehow we can turn this into something positive.
abuse is never positive.
but it would be great if our toxic mothers’ behaviors, by accident, make us more successful/happy/thriving than ever.
we must not let them “win”.
we musn’t let narcs destroy us.
hug!!
and i wish us to heal.
as you wrote:
“Don't try to tell your mother anything, it will just be a setup for her to abuse you.”
—i’ve just been punished a lot for standing up for myself. i simply said, “please don’t treat me like a servant.”
but i’m very glad i stood up for myself.
now i’ve been trampled on, more than ever.
but somehow i want to turn this into an advantage for me.
hug!! courage everyone.
I did nip it in the bud. It was painful. I couldn't believe I did it, however I am glad I did.
She would also try to get me alone and berate me, put me down, belittle my needs, etc. SO last month I made sure I had someone else in the room and I told her that she can no longer talk to me like that ( as she did my entire adulthood) . I told her directly that she was emotionally and verbally manipulating me and abusing me.
You would have thought the witch in the wizard of oz took over her. She was shocked!
I did not back down. After a week, she manipulated our conversation again and I gave her fair warning I would leave the room with one more ill statement. Luckily I turned my camera on on my cell phone and recorded it all. She was screaming how could I say she abused me?? I thought she was going to explode! It was the best thing I could have done for 2 reasons.
1. I told her I recorded her and so she could not come up with a lie to others anymore.
2. when I felt guilty or weird for confronting her, all I had to do was replay the film to myself and it kept me on level ground. It was REAL.
Since then she has not said more negative things about me to me and finds a way to be civil. And she has been doing this covert narc business my entire life.
I also make sure that I do not ask my brother's or his side of the family or her or their friends questions, ask for validation, tell them my intentions or plans ,or the like as he is her Golden Child along with others who are her angels. They are all her flying monkeys.
I do come each day and take my dad out to places, engage in conversation, and truly love his company. I soak in all the laughter I can get from him and am so glad that SHE KNOWS I KNOW the game. It is so freeing to not be under her spell anymore.
I want to add that it was very important to me to acknowledge to myself that our relationship was not all black and white. Last year, on her birthday, I sent her a letter describing moments in my life with her that I am grateful for and the good qualities that I received from being her daughter. I told her of the birthday cakes she made me, that she worked late hours in the laundromat with no education to make ends meet for our family, her good care of our home, etc. anything that I could carry with gratitude in my heart for her. She told me soon after she received this letter, it was the best gift she has ever been given . ( This was before her abuse conversation) I was glad I let her know that I could see two sides to her because narcissists really just hate themselves and have to let it out onto someone who is very empathic. It is too painful for them to touch that depth of despair. They know we will not desert them and so they are safe in gaslighting us. So when I recorded her abusive behavior, she knew that deep down I loved her and that I put an end to her abuse not through hatred of her.
https://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club)
Helped me realize that you cannot fix them. You can only control what you do.
I find I just manage the situation i am dealing with now. No matter how much I feel I am being verbally abused, step back and look at the situation.
When people ask how I deal with the way I am being spoken to, my answer is she's not well. People that work at a mental hospital do not fight with the patients. I have the same feelings now and just manage the situation. I don't engage, don't explain and try to let them come to reason. I realize I cannot fix them. Many times this person tries to push my buttons to get me to engage and start a fight. At this point, I am almost amazed at what she says and does and I do not answer her. This way she cannot turn the story around that I said something that upset her. She's the only one talking and being upset.
Good Luck!
I always believe in giving a person a second chance to clean up their act. I do this not for them but for myself. Then I know that I'm not owning any of the guilt because I gave them a chance. This is what I did with my own mother. She still refuses to take any accountability for herself. We live in the same house and barely speak. This has been so for a long time. I don't have a moment of guilt over this either, because I gave her many chances and that's why I don't. loverofbooks should try this with her mother and like I said don't be surprised if she doesn't take any responsibility.
When you give a selfish, narcissistic senior a chance to redeem themselves, you take away one of their most powerful weapons. Guilt.
i see what you mean.
hugs!!
these narcs are very hard to deal with.
i hope you’re ok!!
they really try to destroy us. it’s simply 1 woman against another woman.
for the 1st time yesterday, i felt… “why wasn’t i born with a loving mother”…
i hope something positive comes out of all this. ——but actually, abuse is just negative and time-consuming. how many hundreds of hours have i spent on this/anger/frowns—many positive opportunities lost, because we’re KEPT BUSY dealing with narcs. THEY STEAL OUR TIME.
they want to make us miserable.
i wish us to thrive, to make it a reality: they couldn’t destroy us.
in the past 24 hours, i’ve suddenly (for the 1st time) been called:
a thief, monster, arrogant, in my eyes you’re no longer my child, disinherited, etc.
of course all that, was said in front of other people. character assassination. no fun if there’s no audience.
all this happened because i stood up for myself, and said please don’t treat me like a servant.
let’s succeed.
let’s not let these narcs “win”.
It's significant that your Dad passed away 31 years ago, partners of narcissists often die early due to the abuse. Covert narcissism is nearly worse but you have to have a thick skin and ignore the narc and her flying monkeys.
This is what my friend did. He lived in the home of his mother, father, and disabled sister. They needed him there because they could not manage without him. Then his father passed away about two years ago. He was the one who bore the lion's share of the mother's abusive behavior. My friend and his siblings took some, but nothing like the level their father got. He was the one she would instigate and fight with all their lives because she's that kind of selfish narcissist and also a martyr. When his father passed my friend became the heir to his abuse. So he left.
He didn't totally ghost her though. He would come by and see his sister and be cordial to his mother. He was gone for months and for that months it was just his elderly mother alone in the house and his middle-aged mentally disabled sister. Then his mother changed her tune considerably. She asked him to come back because her situation was tough. He went back and is so far doing all right. She's not instigating because she wants to fight with someone. She's turned down the flame on the gaslighting too. All this change because my friend finally called her bluff and left. Then she had to face her denial and realize that she couldn't manage there without him. She also knows that he will walk away at any time if she starts back up.
If you send a letter or email, she may take that as an opportunity to double down on the toxic behavior in order to get you back in line. The advantage of using Grey Rock is that it doesn't give her anything to fight about.
Even if she doesn't like it, it is fine to communicate the way that makes you feel safest. I prefer texting or email. That gives me written reminders of toxic behavior and lets me choose whether or not to respond. I can take my time answering so that I don't say things I regret and I have time to talk it over with someone else in case I need another perspective.
She knows what she has done to your relationship with your brother, and she will never give you the satisfaction of admitting it.
One thing I noticed with my mother, is that when she eventually realized that rage stopped working against me, she switched to self pity and guilt. I just stick to vague comments and never say anything is ok or not her fault, which is what she is trying to get me to say. When she said that she might as well be dead, I told her that I was going to contact her doctor and social worker. She didn't want me to do that, but I had to do it anyway because there's no real way to tell she wasn't serious. She hasn't tried that again.
My mother doesn't give me the silent treatment. I made the mistake of telling her that I liked it when my siblings give me the Silent Treatment and that it was like a peaceful vacation.
Step back from helping if they aren't treating you well. My mother's own social worker told me to step back and let my siblings take over. It's ok to talk to your mom's social worker and medical staff about what is going on with your family dynamics.
Trust yourself and keep up the healthy boundaries. I've found that it is easier to maintain healthy boundaries since I accepted that I deserve to be treated well. I used to feel guilty about setting boundaries, because that's how I was raised. I grieve for the perfect family that I will never have, but it does get easier with time.
and sorry to hear that so many of us go through the same abuse/torture…
acting.
narcs act a lot of the time (i actually didn’t realize until yesterday, that my LO’s tears are fake; she can turn on/off the self-pity show anytime she wants) (i thought she goes from 1 emotion to the next: rage/anger/tears/self-pity). no. she puts on a show and can turn on/off any mode.
let’s call LO, LO1.
then there’s LO2.
the way i realized it’s fake, is that i myself tried speaking the same way (self-pity) to LO2, just to demonstrate what LO1 sounds like, and i realized it’s not hard at all to fake.
back and the more she has to show your brother. It might be best just to say, "I cannot talk now," in a text, and block her for a while. There would be nothing she could fire back at you. Only you know.
i think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand when they haven’t themselves experienced a truly toxic person (mother/whoever).
not every mother is sweet.
there are different levels of abuse. some mothers are truly very toxic, extremely abusive.
courage and hugs to us all.
Shout out to fellow family scapegoat. I'm one myself.
I think you must be my sister because we have the same mother. Mine is EXACTLY like this. Doesn't have dementia but constantly interrupts. Does not care in the slightest if her demands are grinding me into the ground, so long as she gets what she needs and wants.
You like me are being gaslighted by a master manipulator who presents as an entirely different person to the rest of the world. Probably everyone who knows her only sees a kind, loving, generous, and selfless person whose family is number one. I'm sure many people think you're crazy and that any problems between the two of you must be your fault.
You are NOT crazy and you did NOT do anything wrong.
I'll bet your mother like mine started her gaslighting, manipulation, and psychological/emotional abuse of you a long time ago. Probably when you were a kid.
You are making a good decision to communicate with her in writing. This way you can say everything you need to say to her without interruption. Then step back. The ball will be in her court.
If she wants to clean up her act and take some accountability about how she treats you then great. Re-open communication a little at a time with her if she does. I hope this happens for you, but don't be surprised if she doesn't.
Your mother's denial about her abuse behavior towards you is probably so strong that she believes her own lies. Mine does too.
So totally grey rock her for your own good.
“If she wants to clean up her act and take some accountability about how she treats you then great.”
a narcissist won’t do that.
what they’ll do is:
overtly or covertly, retaliate/punish.
i wish us to be free from narcs. as someone posted, the abuse will continue until their death.
* Stop 'trying' to convince her of anything.
- State your feelings and stop.
- If she starts going on and on, say "I need to go now and I'm hanging up" AND THEN DO IT.
NEVER EVER ENGAGE HER IN ARUGING as she will always try to convince you, or say why she is right and 'demand' that you do what she needs/wants - because you have in the past.
* She is used to getting her way with you and her expectations of this way of interacting will NOT change.
- What will change is how you respond.
* If she doesn't have dementia, she may change based on how you change.
I heard years ago "WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US"
* You need to do what is right for you.
* Get into therapy. Somehow the 'light bulb' went on in your head. Keep up the learning, awareness, boundary setting, clarify of what YOU will and WON't do for her and be aware of what your needs are.
Congratulations on getting this far. Based on old established behavioral patterns, it is not easy to change (although it sounds like you've had enough 'abuse' and now willing / able to set limits based on YOUR needs.
* IT DOESN'T MATTER that she doesn't understand why you want to communicate via mail instead of phone communication:
a) say what you want to do
b) don't explain (more than once)
c) if she starts in, repeat once and stop
d) if she continues asking / says she doesn't understand, say you'll put it in writing and that you need to get off the phone now.
It is called TOUGH love or I'd call it TOUGH self-preservation and self-respect. Some of us have to learn to develop on our own as our "wounded" mothers did not know how. Glad you are separating / detaching from her. Enjoy your wonderful family. You are blessed.
Gena / Touch Matters
Gladimhere - I agree & thank you for suggesting that I write my own post at some point - I'd like to be able to do so, but by reading what I explained on Cherokeegrrl54's profile page, I hope you can understand my hesitancy in doing so.
The only way that I can describe the feeling of that brutal attack from my mother was what I can imagine the after-affect of a soldier getting hit with a grenade on a battlefield - the first thing that happens is complete and utter shock (and I'm not a soldier) and your body and brain freezes from what just happened...and the physical pain is enormous.
You asked how old I am - I am in my 50's - and had a wonderful career that I loved - in the fashion industry (living and working in nyc)....I was usually working around 75 hours a week - and that's what it took - it's a really competitive industry and when I was in my early 50's, I just wanted to feel more refreshed and give myself a little boost and begin my next chapter in life continuing to work and date (I'm divorced)...and still feel youthful doing so. So, I decided to get a mini-facelift....it was very subtle ...no one really knew....I just felt more refreshed....but, afterwards, the doctor told me that my skin is very sensitive and he had provided specific instruction for me to follow for best healing - I did everything he said and during the year after the procedure, it's a healing process - I resumed my regular life after the procedure, but the healing process was still continuing. Everything went really well and I was about to start a terrific new job - and I had two weeks off beforehand....so I thought in that time, I'd visit my parents for a day ....and on that day - this is what happened to me - from my mother. It changed Everything....and the damage that she caused my face - especially after my face was so sensitive from the procedure - did an immense damage...and the utter shock I went into afterwards - is basically why the first thing I didn't think of was to call 911 - my brain couldn't even take it all in....and of course, ptsd since...anyone who has experienced ptsd out there will know that it's complicated.
The fact is - growing up, there were signs that my mother was narcissistic, etc - and she wasn't a nurturing mother (her parents catered to her & she craved attention from them (my grandparents) and she spent most of her time with them - and she didn't show real interest in her own daughters)...but the positive of that is I became very independent at a young age and it served me well in life. My mother and sister had a tumultuous relationship (my mother made her cry a lot) and my mother used me as the peacemaker...even at 8 yrs old, she'd pull me into protecting her (as she made herself the victim)...so I think - why didn't I call 911?...not only was I in shock after the attack - and couldn't even talk...I don't understand it myself other than still protecting my mother....it's all I was used to. Unfortunately before her attack - I had a good relationship with her - because I lead my own life - remained independent - and kept boundaries...and I'm an easy going person...and my natural personality was just to focus on the positive - the problem with that is I didn't protect myself enough or acknowledge her negative traits prior.
It's all radically changed my relationship w/ my mother - & how I am towards her - she bares no remorse or accountability.
awful.
hug!!
to freedom from narcs/mean people.
How old are you?
I also found a book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. that I found helpful. Besides the wonderful advice I got from my Ph.D., God Bless her. Also read the comments below (from leaLonnie of Sept 16, 2021) who offered wonderful advice.
I think the WRITTEN letter worked with my Mom, and years later, I was able to eventually visit her every weekday (I was retired) at the county facility. Was an excellent place, with lots of activities and caring aides. She was a narcissist, because of her own insecurities, so if she demeaned people, it would make her feel more secure and valued. Sad events of life, so many years wasted. I'm sure she read that letter many times. I hope this helps you, and hope that you can try to understand why your Mom acts this way, and I wish you good luck.
Do not put yourself through the torment. Just do it, grey rock.....
I was in a similar position caring for my mother for 40+ years and I came to a point where I was so burnt out and exhausted that I had to cut contact with her. I cut contact with her two months before she passed away and I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. To be honest my childhood was abusive and a lot of that carried over into my adulthood. Figure out what you need from yourself to keep yourself at peace And go from there. I did my absolute best for 40 some years and just couldn’t do it any longer and couldn’t tolerate the lies anger and manipulation.
Believe in yourself!
It doesn't matter how its received. What matters is that the daughter sent it because this is what she wants to do. You are right, mommy will always be confused when people do not bow at her feet. If they do bow, she'll ask "when are you going to wash my feet."