Hello, My mom is 88, has always been emotionally immature and self-absorbed (no dementia). I've never set many boundaries with her. She doesn't 'get' boundaries. Example- She's always called me and talked and talked(!) about nothing and I've listened. So draining. Over the years, I've asked her to not call so much. I don't even like talking on the phone, am a total introvert. She doesn't stop. She cries when I ask her to stop. I would describe her as on the low end of the narcissistic spectrum. But since January, things have escalated...
In Jan., my stepdad (age 95) and mom got Covid. He died of it. She is ok now, but it affected her heart and kidneys. My brother and I (1 brother, no sisters) have spent SO MUCH TIME dealing with her- doctors, hospital stays, moving her to an independent living facility, doing her finances, groceries, etc., etc. (I live 5 hours from her; my brother, 1 1/2 hrs.) My mom has always been needy and dependent. She expects us to do everything for her now. My brother? Jumps through hoops to do whatever she wants. I help, but I don't jump.
About 6 weeks ago, I reached an 'aha' moment realizing that my mom is a covert narcissist. She has many bad behaviors toward me, but they've gotten WAY worse. (And it's not from grieving.) She bullies me. She compares me to other daughters my age. I've asked her to stop. She doesn't stop. Too, she has always interrupted and talked over me. I've been speaking up for myself the last few weeks. I ask her over and over to stop interrupting me. She's interrupting when I'm asking this! It. Does. Not. Stop.
To everyone else, she's this sweet lady. To me, she's the opposite. I've been calling her out on her bad behaviors lately. She doesn't like it and turns things around and blames me. She yells at me. In July, she went into a RAGE. I hid in her condo bathroom to get away. She hides her bad behavior from others. The rage was when my husband went to do a curbside pick-up. Of course, she stopped right before he got back.
In the past several weeks, I've read 22 books (no kidding!) about emotionally immature, self-absorbed, and narcissistic parents. Wow, did they open my eyes!! They describe my mom to a T. I see patterns now over and over (from decades!). My brother, whom I felt so close to most of my life, is now treating me differently. I'm pretty sure my mom is triangulating. I see my brother is the Golden Child. And I am the Scapegoat. My brother's wife has always treated me passive-aggressively. Now, I feel this united front of the 3 of them against me. My husband totally sees it too. It's distressing and disturbing.
Last night, I lost it with my mom over the phone. She doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to her on the phone and only want to correspond by text or email. I told her I'm treated kinder that way. She doesn't listen though because she's interrupting me! She was yelling at me. And sadly, I was yelling back. I'm so very angry with her. She DENIES all her bad behavior. She denied going into a RAGE in July. Huh?! She denies comparing me to other daughters though she does it over and over. She gaslights. Her answer when I tell her something she said was hurtful? "I never said that!"
I am accomplished in my field, have a master's degree and also play the piano. My mom didn't go to college, has no hobbies, is not musical. (I'm way more like my dad, who passed away 31 years ago. I miss him so much.) On top of everything else, I think she's envious of me too. I have a good marriage, 4 wonderful grown kids, and 4 adorable grandkids. My life is good. Except for the relationship with my mom. It is eating away at me. Too, last night my mom asked 2x why I don't get along with my brother now. I wanted to (though I didn't) scream that she's manipulating our relationship and causing the rift! Everything channels 'through' her, has for many years.
My question- Do I go grey rock? Or should I write my mom a letter/email explaining why I feel so mistreated by her?
I can say that I tried previously writing her a letter ...I poured my heart and all of my emotions into the letter - it was somewhat cathartic for me, but when I gave it to her to read, she had an annoyed look on her face and called me some vile names...and ripped it up in front of me. I don't regret writing it or giving it to her - but it meant nothing to her in the end. Perhaps if you do write this letter, it may help you in pulling back from her as she'll understand why - so maybe it will serve a purpose...but it's difficult to know.
I'm still trying to get back to myself after my mother's physical and emotional damage...it's taken a lot from me....and, at a time when things were going well in my life.
Anyway, I wish you all the very best...and continued strength and peace.
just awful how she treated you.
unfortunately, i also have a narc in my life.
courage to us.
i wish us to be happy, super successful.
don’t let them “win”.
they want to destroy us (often, it’s mother against daughter).
We could put you in a round room and tell you there is a nickel in the corner.
Different adults handle things in different ways.
Also from his perspective, if he is closer to her by miles, then you can help him out a little by talking to mom on the phone. Not twenty times a day, but I suggest daily. You don't have to answer every call from her, but you should answer at least one of them.
I lean a little more to brother's side of the fence because I'm the one siblings call the golden child. I am also the one who lives with the parent 24/7. I know that each sibling has a cell phone glued to the palm of their hand, yet they can go days without answering a call from parent's phone. If I call, they will answer right away. They see who is calling and make a conscious decision not to answer. Then I spend all day long explaining: No, there is nothing wrong. No they have not been in an accident. No they are not in the hospital and trying not to worry her. THEY JUST DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!!! One plays games that her phone never rang all day, lost the phone in the house, forgot to charge the battery, left it in the car. It's all BS.
Have a little empathy for those who live the closest and may be much more stressed out with 24/7 requests for help or phone calls. The Golden Child role is never what others think it is. We are stressed to the max and appreciate a little relief wherever and whenever we can get it. What you are calling gold may be nothing more than costume jewelry - the coating wears thin.
There is also the issue of self-preservation for elders. Manipulation, tears, conflict between family members created as a means to keep their situation running exactly as it is. Stay in the home, but requiring more help to do so. Butter up the ones who will come when you call while working on the others to come round. Empathy vanishes, if it was ever there, because the circle of focus becomes a lot smaller around the elder - whatever it takes to maintain ME.
Her health started to get worse and her neuro functions were diminishing but not dramatically. I ended up moving her in with me for 6 months until she went in to a behavioral until for psych med adjustments. They sent her to rehab and every doctor, nurse and social worker told me she needs to be in a long-term care facility. I should add my brother did absolutely nothing to help out prior to her moving in as well as when she lived with me. Nothing. I flew to Florida on several occasions to help her pack and then drove her to Philly with me because she is u able to fly due to her lung disease.
She now blames me for putting her in, keeping her in, and not letting her leave the nursing home she was transferred to. The truth is it was her psychiatrist who suggested she go in, to which she agreed, and then all the docs and support staff her suggested she needed a higher level of care than I can provide at home. She F-ing hates me now with every fiber in her being, and bad mouths me to anyone who will listen. I’m happy to say that everyone she speaks to knows the truth and knows I did everything I could. She was vicious on the phone with me, told me she was going to kill herself and in the note say it was my fault. One time I called she answered Fuck You(sorry for the language). She called me 70 times over one weekend. After much counsel, including some wonderful and deeply appreciated input from people on this site, I ended up going no-contact and it’s now been 9 months. It was such a difficult decision to make and it has taken me until now to understand and embrace the fact I’m doing the right thing. I told my brother back when this happened that I am done with her and will turn her affairs over to the facility where she lives and if he wanted to step up then feel free but, if not, let me know so I could proceed accordingly. My guilt is subsiding but my mental health was taking a major hit and if I didn’t make the decision to go no-contact I’m afraid I would have spiraled down the rabbit hole. The hardest decision I ever had to make. Of course she denies saying anything or the fact she fell down my steps 3 times and in her room 4 times, one time hitting her head on the wall so hard there was a hole in the wall from impact. She says she’s sorry but then repeats the same behaviors. So the question I asked myself was not why does she keep doing this but instead why do I keep allowing it. I am her POA and still work with the facility on her finances and will bring up toiletries and food each time the social worker emails me a list. But I will not speak with her directly and not sure I ever will again. So difficult but my option became clear. It a bad situation and I understand what you’re going through. I think your answer will become clearer and decision easier to make once you’ve had a chance to read some of the feedback you’ll receive on this wonderful site. Good luck and try to remember our time on earth is limited and it’s up to us who we allow in our lives and the toxicity we’ll tolerate. You must make whatever decision you decide based on WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. 💪🏼👆🏼🙏🏻
i wish us to be free of narcs.
basically, that would mean to not be surrounded by mean people.
i only see as solutions:
…no contact
…or low contact
…or some superhuman ability not to feel pain, when treated badly by narcs.
hug!!
i wish us well.
I would write the letter you want, but don’t give it to her. now start distancing yourself. Stop answering her calls, set a daily or weekly time you will talk to her, then say you have to go and hang up or leave. No excuses, no explaining, it's up to you to take control and stop letting her manipulate her. Keep telling yourself she doesn’t have any power over you. Why keep wasting energy on a person who does not bring joy to your life? If she were to die tomorrow how would you go forward with your life?
* Yes, it is certainly up to the daughter to NOT allow ANYONE to manipulate her. They can't if a person doesn't allow it.
Gena
“It’s just not worth the potential rage. I would start slowly backing away. My heart goes out to you. You are important and your own life matters.”
i agree with you!
But never mail it.
I did this as a part of therapy with my MIL and my therapist had me write the most absolutely over the top letter--and I went into everything..all the things she had taken from me, the pain she had caused my DH, my kids, now my grands...and I kept the letter for a while, but never mailed it.
It was very cathartic. I have since totally divorced her, I do not talk to her, I don't buy her gifts (I made her son look pretty darn thoughtful for 40+ years)! and now I don't even know what she is up to...better yet, I don't care. She is 100% DH's problem, and altho he still tries to 'guilt' me in to spending time with her, it falls on deaf ears.
I have enough to deal with, with my own Narc mom. She has a really biting personality---or she can be a sweet little lamb. This sweet little lamb wrote me a BILL that is in her will--that although I DO get to inherit the same amt of $$ as the other sibs, I FIRST have to pay the estate $1500. My lawyer called that a 'posthumous FU' and said it wasn't legal. But it hurt, badly, b/c I felt like if she really felt I owed her trust money, be upfront about it. I'm very glad I saw this before she died (she's actually still alive) because it was so incredibly hurtful--just when you think the manipulation and hurting would stop when they die--and then something like this happens. Meh. YB, who is POA was told about this and he quietly slipped the illegal 'document' out of the trust.
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a mentally healthy, happy, adjusted mother, instead of the looney I have. I feel like I was parenting my own kids from scratch--b/c I didn't HAVE a good role model.
So-back to the beginning. Don't send a letter. It will only cause more pain.
I agree - write a long letter and don't mail it.
Write a very short letter and do mail it - after all the charge is out / gone in the first letter.
It doesn't matter how its received. What matters is that the daughter sent it because this is what she wants to do. You are right, mommy will always be confused when people do not bow at her feet. If they do bow, she'll ask "when are you going to wash my feet."
I was in a similar position caring for my mother for 40+ years and I came to a point where I was so burnt out and exhausted that I had to cut contact with her. I cut contact with her two months before she passed away and I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. To be honest my childhood was abusive and a lot of that carried over into my adulthood. Figure out what you need from yourself to keep yourself at peace And go from there. I did my absolute best for 40 some years and just couldn’t do it any longer and couldn’t tolerate the lies anger and manipulation.
Believe in yourself!
Do not put yourself through the torment. Just do it, grey rock.....
I also found a book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. that I found helpful. Besides the wonderful advice I got from my Ph.D., God Bless her. Also read the comments below (from leaLonnie of Sept 16, 2021) who offered wonderful advice.
I think the WRITTEN letter worked with my Mom, and years later, I was able to eventually visit her every weekday (I was retired) at the county facility. Was an excellent place, with lots of activities and caring aides. She was a narcissist, because of her own insecurities, so if she demeaned people, it would make her feel more secure and valued. Sad events of life, so many years wasted. I'm sure she read that letter many times. I hope this helps you, and hope that you can try to understand why your Mom acts this way, and I wish you good luck.
How old are you?
Gladimhere - I agree & thank you for suggesting that I write my own post at some point - I'd like to be able to do so, but by reading what I explained on Cherokeegrrl54's profile page, I hope you can understand my hesitancy in doing so.
The only way that I can describe the feeling of that brutal attack from my mother was what I can imagine the after-affect of a soldier getting hit with a grenade on a battlefield - the first thing that happens is complete and utter shock (and I'm not a soldier) and your body and brain freezes from what just happened...and the physical pain is enormous.
You asked how old I am - I am in my 50's - and had a wonderful career that I loved - in the fashion industry (living and working in nyc)....I was usually working around 75 hours a week - and that's what it took - it's a really competitive industry and when I was in my early 50's, I just wanted to feel more refreshed and give myself a little boost and begin my next chapter in life continuing to work and date (I'm divorced)...and still feel youthful doing so. So, I decided to get a mini-facelift....it was very subtle ...no one really knew....I just felt more refreshed....but, afterwards, the doctor told me that my skin is very sensitive and he had provided specific instruction for me to follow for best healing - I did everything he said and during the year after the procedure, it's a healing process - I resumed my regular life after the procedure, but the healing process was still continuing. Everything went really well and I was about to start a terrific new job - and I had two weeks off beforehand....so I thought in that time, I'd visit my parents for a day ....and on that day - this is what happened to me - from my mother. It changed Everything....and the damage that she caused my face - especially after my face was so sensitive from the procedure - did an immense damage...and the utter shock I went into afterwards - is basically why the first thing I didn't think of was to call 911 - my brain couldn't even take it all in....and of course, ptsd since...anyone who has experienced ptsd out there will know that it's complicated.
The fact is - growing up, there were signs that my mother was narcissistic, etc - and she wasn't a nurturing mother (her parents catered to her & she craved attention from them (my grandparents) and she spent most of her time with them - and she didn't show real interest in her own daughters)...but the positive of that is I became very independent at a young age and it served me well in life. My mother and sister had a tumultuous relationship (my mother made her cry a lot) and my mother used me as the peacemaker...even at 8 yrs old, she'd pull me into protecting her (as she made herself the victim)...so I think - why didn't I call 911?...not only was I in shock after the attack - and couldn't even talk...I don't understand it myself other than still protecting my mother....it's all I was used to. Unfortunately before her attack - I had a good relationship with her - because I lead my own life - remained independent - and kept boundaries...and I'm an easy going person...and my natural personality was just to focus on the positive - the problem with that is I didn't protect myself enough or acknowledge her negative traits prior.
It's all radically changed my relationship w/ my mother - & how I am towards her - she bares no remorse or accountability.
awful.
hug!!
to freedom from narcs/mean people.
* Stop 'trying' to convince her of anything.
- State your feelings and stop.
- If she starts going on and on, say "I need to go now and I'm hanging up" AND THEN DO IT.
NEVER EVER ENGAGE HER IN ARUGING as she will always try to convince you, or say why she is right and 'demand' that you do what she needs/wants - because you have in the past.
* She is used to getting her way with you and her expectations of this way of interacting will NOT change.
- What will change is how you respond.
* If she doesn't have dementia, she may change based on how you change.
I heard years ago "WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US"
* You need to do what is right for you.
* Get into therapy. Somehow the 'light bulb' went on in your head. Keep up the learning, awareness, boundary setting, clarify of what YOU will and WON't do for her and be aware of what your needs are.
Congratulations on getting this far. Based on old established behavioral patterns, it is not easy to change (although it sounds like you've had enough 'abuse' and now willing / able to set limits based on YOUR needs.
* IT DOESN'T MATTER that she doesn't understand why you want to communicate via mail instead of phone communication:
a) say what you want to do
b) don't explain (more than once)
c) if she starts in, repeat once and stop
d) if she continues asking / says she doesn't understand, say you'll put it in writing and that you need to get off the phone now.
It is called TOUGH love or I'd call it TOUGH self-preservation and self-respect. Some of us have to learn to develop on our own as our "wounded" mothers did not know how. Glad you are separating / detaching from her. Enjoy your wonderful family. You are blessed.
Gena / Touch Matters
Shout out to fellow family scapegoat. I'm one myself.
I think you must be my sister because we have the same mother. Mine is EXACTLY like this. Doesn't have dementia but constantly interrupts. Does not care in the slightest if her demands are grinding me into the ground, so long as she gets what she needs and wants.
You like me are being gaslighted by a master manipulator who presents as an entirely different person to the rest of the world. Probably everyone who knows her only sees a kind, loving, generous, and selfless person whose family is number one. I'm sure many people think you're crazy and that any problems between the two of you must be your fault.
You are NOT crazy and you did NOT do anything wrong.
I'll bet your mother like mine started her gaslighting, manipulation, and psychological/emotional abuse of you a long time ago. Probably when you were a kid.
You are making a good decision to communicate with her in writing. This way you can say everything you need to say to her without interruption. Then step back. The ball will be in her court.
If she wants to clean up her act and take some accountability about how she treats you then great. Re-open communication a little at a time with her if she does. I hope this happens for you, but don't be surprised if she doesn't.
Your mother's denial about her abuse behavior towards you is probably so strong that she believes her own lies. Mine does too.
So totally grey rock her for your own good.
“If she wants to clean up her act and take some accountability about how she treats you then great.”
a narcissist won’t do that.
what they’ll do is:
overtly or covertly, retaliate/punish.
i wish us to be free from narcs. as someone posted, the abuse will continue until their death.
i think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand when they haven’t themselves experienced a truly toxic person (mother/whoever).
not every mother is sweet.
there are different levels of abuse. some mothers are truly very toxic, extremely abusive.
courage and hugs to us all.
back and the more she has to show your brother. It might be best just to say, "I cannot talk now," in a text, and block her for a while. There would be nothing she could fire back at you. Only you know.
If you send a letter or email, she may take that as an opportunity to double down on the toxic behavior in order to get you back in line. The advantage of using Grey Rock is that it doesn't give her anything to fight about.
Even if she doesn't like it, it is fine to communicate the way that makes you feel safest. I prefer texting or email. That gives me written reminders of toxic behavior and lets me choose whether or not to respond. I can take my time answering so that I don't say things I regret and I have time to talk it over with someone else in case I need another perspective.
She knows what she has done to your relationship with your brother, and she will never give you the satisfaction of admitting it.
One thing I noticed with my mother, is that when she eventually realized that rage stopped working against me, she switched to self pity and guilt. I just stick to vague comments and never say anything is ok or not her fault, which is what she is trying to get me to say. When she said that she might as well be dead, I told her that I was going to contact her doctor and social worker. She didn't want me to do that, but I had to do it anyway because there's no real way to tell she wasn't serious. She hasn't tried that again.
My mother doesn't give me the silent treatment. I made the mistake of telling her that I liked it when my siblings give me the Silent Treatment and that it was like a peaceful vacation.
Step back from helping if they aren't treating you well. My mother's own social worker told me to step back and let my siblings take over. It's ok to talk to your mom's social worker and medical staff about what is going on with your family dynamics.
Trust yourself and keep up the healthy boundaries. I've found that it is easier to maintain healthy boundaries since I accepted that I deserve to be treated well. I used to feel guilty about setting boundaries, because that's how I was raised. I grieve for the perfect family that I will never have, but it does get easier with time.
and sorry to hear that so many of us go through the same abuse/torture…
acting.
narcs act a lot of the time (i actually didn’t realize until yesterday, that my LO’s tears are fake; she can turn on/off the self-pity show anytime she wants) (i thought she goes from 1 emotion to the next: rage/anger/tears/self-pity). no. she puts on a show and can turn on/off any mode.
let’s call LO, LO1.
then there’s LO2.
the way i realized it’s fake, is that i myself tried speaking the same way (self-pity) to LO2, just to demonstrate what LO1 sounds like, and i realized it’s not hard at all to fake.
It's significant that your Dad passed away 31 years ago, partners of narcissists often die early due to the abuse. Covert narcissism is nearly worse but you have to have a thick skin and ignore the narc and her flying monkeys.
This is what my friend did. He lived in the home of his mother, father, and disabled sister. They needed him there because they could not manage without him. Then his father passed away about two years ago. He was the one who bore the lion's share of the mother's abusive behavior. My friend and his siblings took some, but nothing like the level their father got. He was the one she would instigate and fight with all their lives because she's that kind of selfish narcissist and also a martyr. When his father passed my friend became the heir to his abuse. So he left.
He didn't totally ghost her though. He would come by and see his sister and be cordial to his mother. He was gone for months and for that months it was just his elderly mother alone in the house and his middle-aged mentally disabled sister. Then his mother changed her tune considerably. She asked him to come back because her situation was tough. He went back and is so far doing all right. She's not instigating because she wants to fight with someone. She's turned down the flame on the gaslighting too. All this change because my friend finally called her bluff and left. Then she had to face her denial and realize that she couldn't manage there without him. She also knows that he will walk away at any time if she starts back up.
I always believe in giving a person a second chance to clean up their act. I do this not for them but for myself. Then I know that I'm not owning any of the guilt because I gave them a chance. This is what I did with my own mother. She still refuses to take any accountability for herself. We live in the same house and barely speak. This has been so for a long time. I don't have a moment of guilt over this either, because I gave her many chances and that's why I don't. loverofbooks should try this with her mother and like I said don't be surprised if she doesn't take any responsibility.
When you give a selfish, narcissistic senior a chance to redeem themselves, you take away one of their most powerful weapons. Guilt.
i see what you mean.
hugs!!
these narcs are very hard to deal with.
i hope you’re ok!!
they really try to destroy us. it’s simply 1 woman against another woman.
for the 1st time yesterday, i felt… “why wasn’t i born with a loving mother”…
i hope something positive comes out of all this. ——but actually, abuse is just negative and time-consuming. how many hundreds of hours have i spent on this/anger/frowns—many positive opportunities lost, because we’re KEPT BUSY dealing with narcs. THEY STEAL OUR TIME.
they want to make us miserable.
i wish us to thrive, to make it a reality: they couldn’t destroy us.
in the past 24 hours, i’ve suddenly (for the 1st time) been called:
a thief, monster, arrogant, in my eyes you’re no longer my child, disinherited, etc.
of course all that, was said in front of other people. character assassination. no fun if there’s no audience.
all this happened because i stood up for myself, and said please don’t treat me like a servant.
let’s succeed.
let’s not let these narcs “win”.
https://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club)
Helped me realize that you cannot fix them. You can only control what you do.
I find I just manage the situation i am dealing with now. No matter how much I feel I am being verbally abused, step back and look at the situation.
When people ask how I deal with the way I am being spoken to, my answer is she's not well. People that work at a mental hospital do not fight with the patients. I have the same feelings now and just manage the situation. I don't engage, don't explain and try to let them come to reason. I realize I cannot fix them. Many times this person tries to push my buttons to get me to engage and start a fight. At this point, I am almost amazed at what she says and does and I do not answer her. This way she cannot turn the story around that I said something that upset her. She's the only one talking and being upset.
Good Luck!
I did nip it in the bud. It was painful. I couldn't believe I did it, however I am glad I did.
She would also try to get me alone and berate me, put me down, belittle my needs, etc. SO last month I made sure I had someone else in the room and I told her that she can no longer talk to me like that ( as she did my entire adulthood) . I told her directly that she was emotionally and verbally manipulating me and abusing me.
You would have thought the witch in the wizard of oz took over her. She was shocked!
I did not back down. After a week, she manipulated our conversation again and I gave her fair warning I would leave the room with one more ill statement. Luckily I turned my camera on on my cell phone and recorded it all. She was screaming how could I say she abused me?? I thought she was going to explode! It was the best thing I could have done for 2 reasons.
1. I told her I recorded her and so she could not come up with a lie to others anymore.
2. when I felt guilty or weird for confronting her, all I had to do was replay the film to myself and it kept me on level ground. It was REAL.
Since then she has not said more negative things about me to me and finds a way to be civil. And she has been doing this covert narc business my entire life.
I also make sure that I do not ask my brother's or his side of the family or her or their friends questions, ask for validation, tell them my intentions or plans ,or the like as he is her Golden Child along with others who are her angels. They are all her flying monkeys.
I do come each day and take my dad out to places, engage in conversation, and truly love his company. I soak in all the laughter I can get from him and am so glad that SHE KNOWS I KNOW the game. It is so freeing to not be under her spell anymore.
I want to add that it was very important to me to acknowledge to myself that our relationship was not all black and white. Last year, on her birthday, I sent her a letter describing moments in my life with her that I am grateful for and the good qualities that I received from being her daughter. I told her of the birthday cakes she made me, that she worked late hours in the laundromat with no education to make ends meet for our family, her good care of our home, etc. anything that I could carry with gratitude in my heart for her. She told me soon after she received this letter, it was the best gift she has ever been given . ( This was before her abuse conversation) I was glad I let her know that I could see two sides to her because narcissists really just hate themselves and have to let it out onto someone who is very empathic. It is too painful for them to touch that depth of despair. They know we will not desert them and so they are safe in gaslighting us. So when I recorded her abusive behavior, she knew that deep down I loved her and that I put an end to her abuse not through hatred of her.
I hear what you are saying and have so much compassion for you. I am in the exact same situation. I hung in there with my family in order to maintain the little bit of a relationship I have with my two brothers (who both married versions of my mother). Now I wish I would have moved away when I was 20 and abandoned them all. The amount of pretense required to be with my mother and brothers is exhausting and makes me sick inside. I visit my mother in the nursing home weekly out of obligation. I leave feeling sick for at least a day. She is 90 and her Black Widow of an aunt, who was her role model, lived until she was 98. My mother may outlive me. Sometimes I feel like the whole world thinks everyone has a wonderful, loving mother and to say otherwise is terrible! Just as many of us have selfish, narcissist, jealous, competitive abusive mothers. There is no outlet for us. You want to scream hate at her but it will do no good except to justify the lies she has told about you. (you were probably her scapegoat)
I bet you were a wonderful mother. Try to take solace in that. This is one of life's brutal inequities, getting a $hitty mother.
hugs to you!!
i agree 100% with you.
i feel compassion for all of us in this situation.
as you wrote:
“Just as many of us have selfish, narcissist, jealous, competitive, abusive mothers. There is no outlet for us.”
—exactly
you wrote:
“This is one of life's brutal inequities, getting a $hitty mother.”
—agreed! …for the first time i felt like that 2 days ago… “why was i born to an abusive mother?”
…i hope somehow we can turn this into something positive.
abuse is never positive.
but it would be great if our toxic mothers’ behaviors, by accident, make us more successful/happy/thriving than ever.
we must not let them “win”.
we musn’t let narcs destroy us.
hug!!
and i wish us to heal.
as you wrote:
“Don't try to tell your mother anything, it will just be a setup for her to abuse you.”
—i’ve just been punished a lot for standing up for myself. i simply said, “please don’t treat me like a servant.”
but i’m very glad i stood up for myself.
now i’ve been trampled on, more than ever.
but somehow i want to turn this into an advantage for me.
hug!! courage everyone.
***. Sorry mom, I’m in the middle of something … ***Sorry mom , just on my way out the door … *** Sorry mom I’m going to have to catch up with you tomorrow … Sorry mom,………. this might help as you decide how to make your decision .
SHE will NEVER change but YOU can . You have the ability and power .