Should I tell my mom I am leaving for vacation or no?

I agree I recently took a weekend trip out of state and had care givers for my mother. She was informed several days earlier with a written note..The day of the trip she started complaining. As a caregiver you must have some free time to decompress. When my wife was alive we planned holidays at her parents my mother would always come up with a condition to not go. That left my wife going alone..I now miss those times and they are lost...My advise is to take your trip and refuse to feel quilty...Best wishes !!!!!

I started waiting to tell my dad at the last minute ( a few days before departing) because whenever I told him ahead of time, he would start complaining about being sick or not feeling well and just being negative about me wanting to enjoy myself. Is it possible to wait until your brother arrives to tell her? Enjoy your vacation! You deserve it!

Someone in your position once posted that she left her mother a letter with the information of when she would return, what she wanted her mom to know about where she was going and who would be taking care of the things mother generally fretted about. Then when mom grew anxious, she could be reminded to read the letter, it’s all in the letter. Might save brother having to answer the same questions over and over.

I am in a similar situation except that she doesn’t get mad - more depressed and anxious. So I do tell her but I wait until the day before or at most a couple days before because she just fixates on it and worries. But I feel that waiting until the day I leave is too abrupt because she needs some time to adjust. Even though it bothers her I feel it allows her to get used to it and trust me not to just disappear. They need that I think.

Soldier4Christ: Tell her, but not ahead of time. Have a wonderful, needed vacation.

My mother supposedly doesn’t have dementia, but she goes off the rails if I tell her about an upcoming vacation. It’s not anger, she just thinks of the most outrageous, horrible things that are going to happen. I find that the only way to keep my sanity and have a happy vacation is to not tell her anything at all. Don’t say anything!

What if you say that your brother is coming to visit and stay with her and you are going to visit a friend ?

I would just leave and have your brother step in with a smooth transition.

When she asks where you are, he can say you will be back on xyz date.

Making things very calm is the key.

If she gets north your brother should deal with it in a very calm matter.

When you return if she says where were you, calmly reply that you were gone and you are back now.

if she gets angry, allow her to be angry but be very calm in your response.

Remember that Dementia comes in many forms and she should be checked out by a neurologist to see if she has regular age related Dementia or something more aggressive.

If she is OK after you leave ultimately, then just leave before she wakes up; or tell her you're going to Help a Good Friend (YOURSELF!) and will return on such and such date. Don't make a big deal about it. Bring her a little gift/treat when you get back from 'Helping your Good Friend.'

Why does she get angry when you leave? Is she afraid because she feels dependent upon you? Does she feel you should want to spend every moment with her? Is she jealous that you are younger and able to travel? Are her feelings hurt that you need a vacation from her?

My mother felt I should want to spend every moment with her. All my life. Long before dementia broke her brain, She would create crises to turn all the attention upon herself to try to delay my departure. Or act ok with it, then heap on the guilt upon my return.

I know we hate to lie to our mother’s but sometimes it spares us all a lot of grief. If she objects to you having fun, don’t frame it as a vacation. Like you’re going out of town to help a sick friend. Or attending the funeral of someone she doesn’t know. Or an educational conference. Brother is going to look after YOUR stuff while you’re gone, not HER. She might resent the idea of a sitter.

I do not know what slight cause of dementia means.
It is important to get a thorough / clear diagnosis from her medical provider so you know how affected she is and what part of the brain has been compromised / brain cells die.

However, if she is still mostly coherent and understands / responds, I would tell her. Keep it in very simple words / terms: I'm leaving for a short time and I'll see you soon.

You do not need to tell her the length of time you'll be away.
With dementia, she likely doesn't have lucid understanding of time / days.

What you DO NOT want to do is argue with her.
Should she start to get activated / emotional - change the subject - and stay calm.

I feel it is important to have the transition of your brother and you together when you tell her you're leaving for a short time (so she knows she won't be alone).

- If that is not possible, tell her in the morning (not at night when she can ruminate about it - think about it / activate anxiety and fear.

Do read TEEPA SNOW's website or call them. Teepa is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. They can help you with how to relate / engage with a person's changing brain. Be aware that YOUR tone of voice, visual cues are important and she'll pick up on them. Perhaps hold her hand when you talk to her, smile and look into her eyes. These things matter alot.

Gena / Touch Matters

It depends on how she handles it. If she is fine with it then tell her. Since you say she gets mad I wouldn’t tell her and see how she acts with your brother.

In my own case, my mom would often find a way to try to sabotage the trip by suddenly getting sick. When she didn’t do that she was begging to go along. It was always a gamble what she might do but it was never “Okay, have a nice trip!” so we stopped telling her. The funny thing now is that she often suspects we are on vacation even when we aren’t but since she has a caregiver it is none of her business and we just let her think whatever she wants to think.

Vacations have always been a thorn in my mom’s side since dad passed 4 years ago. She’s lived in a few AL facilities since his passing, and makes it an issue or reason to say, “oh you’re going again?” It has become more common now for her to misbehave and act out when my sister, myself or both of us are gone. Then we come back and have to set her straight after going to the AL “principals” office. We have sat her down and told her that her rude and misbehaving actions are unacceptable, reminding her that she and dad traveled the world in retirement, visiting places I have yet (and maybe won’t get) to see. We’re now retired and it’s our turn, she should be happy for us. She is in good hands at AL.
However, in your situation, we have learned to only tell our mom a few days prior to leaving now. She has a calendar to write it down on, yet she still asks when are we coming back. It’s a difficult situation but you are entitled to a break.

So let your brother take the reigns and enjoy yourself. Perhaps it’s also something your brother can help by letting your mom know that he’s coming to stay with her while you’re away, and they have some catch-up time together, putting a positive spin on it. Wishing you the best, and an enjoyable trip!

We always tell my Mom about 1-2 days ahead of time. If you tell her more than 1-2 days ahead of time, she will ask the same darn questions...Did I hear correctly that you are going on vacation? Why are you going on vacation? Where are you going? Who is going with you? Who is going to take care of me?

We tell her so that she does not feel abandoned and think it was her fault that I left.

Tell her that you are going on vacation and that your brother will care for her in a manner of fact way. Make sure your brother is with her before you leave. Give a short and cheery farewell... then go enjoy yourself.

This is a big question to me. My mother is in a assisted living facility, a few months ago my sister went out of the country, told my mother, and even emailed us her itinerary. On the day my sister left, My mother had a mental breakdown, she was physically and emotionally abusive to hospital staff. My mother since then has been diagnosed with minor to major dementia. What to do now?

I would tell her that you’re leaving. I wouldn’t allow her reaction to change any plans that you have.

You’re already expecting her to get upset. Don’t stay longer and prolong the agony for either of you. Say, “Goodbye Mom, I’m heading out. Your son will take great care of you.”

I was the hostess for every holiday gathering for my family. I enjoyed it for many years but when I grew tired of it I quit. My mom wasn’t happy about it. I decided that I wanted a complete break and made reservations at a hotel right on the beach! Best Thanksgiving in years!

My brothers looked after my mother while we were away. My younger brother is single and he stayed in my home with her. They did all of the holiday cooking that year while I enjoyed the beach with my family. My mom got over it and said that she was glad that we had a nice time.

I think she expected me to go back to cooking huge dinners for every holiday. I told her that I was done with it forever! My mom and brothers were surprised but I kept my word.

I started having the holiday meals catered for our immediate family. Everyone needs a break and we deserve to pamper ourselves once in awhile. So, go on your trip and have a great time! Leave the caregiving behind with your brother.

Many many posters have noted that a manipulative M will have a sudden health ‘emergency’ just before you are supposed to leave. Work out in advance how to handle it. Perhaps she goes to Emergency, whatever the ‘problem’ is. Without you, because you have left.

Another way might be to tell her a ‘fake’ date you are supposed to leave, a week or so ahead of the actual date. Go before the ‘emergency’ happens, and oh dear she must have misremembered the dates. Never mind, I’ll be back soon. Good luck, both for you and Brother!

Can you tell her the night before? Will she remember? Just thinking that leaving in the midst of her anger on the morning of doesn't help send you off well. Maybe leave a video message for your brother to play for her?

No, you should tell her. Let her get angry, tell her you are sorry to cause her distress, but brother has your phone and can get you in seconds, and that she will be safe. Let her cry or shout, whatever she needs to do, but just calmly stick to it. I wouldn't tell her more than a few days ahead.

I like what Willie said. Tell her when ur ready to leave. "Mom Joe is going to stay with you while I go on vacation for a few days." Then kiss her on the cheek and leave. Just like you would a small child going to Nursery school for the first time.

I wouldn't sneak off, that will just cause her to distrust you. I would tell her when bro arrives and you are heading out the door - "I'm heading off to shangi-la for a week mom, but don't worry bro is going to take care of everything here. Love ya, bye!"

If you have a brother that is willing to come and stay with mom when you go, I would do whatever will make HIS life easier while staying with her, otherwise this might be the last time he volunteers for this.