Should I tell my father he can’t do certain things?

You could have him draw pictures and collect photos from magazines to keep in a scrapbook. Just be glad he doesn't want to dig up relatives and build a mausoleum. That's what my dad wanted to do. He planned to have my grandparents exhumed and moved to another cemetery 25 miles away. There was going to be a large marble vault in which all family members could be interred, including him, and the family name would be prominently chiseled on the front. He drew sketches of what it would look like based on some he'd seen in other cemeteries. He died before he could finish the plan and actually forgot about it as he became sicker. I guess that was good - or bad, depending on how you look at it.

Kick the can down the road. Help him plan it an draw it out for months. Tell him winter is coming and this work should be done in the spring. If he’s still on it by spring, kick the can to the summer “when you can buy the materials as everybody is out right now.” It’s really the only way from my experience.

You say "oh yes? Tell me more."

It seems that there is no possibility of his embarking on this project unaided, so what harm can result from his talking about it? And along the way, as you discuss the library scheme, you might come across ideas that would make him happier where he is (and therefore much more fun to have in your home).

Do you know what triggered this plan?

Tomorrow is the best word ever! Everyone is out, the store is out of stock right now. I ordered it and it hasn't come yet. The flights are full and we cannot go today but we can plan on that tomorrow. Excuses, excuses, excuses is your friend!

When dealing with someone with memory issues it is best not to tell them they can’t do something. Simply tell them they need to reach a certain goal before they can. My wife with dementia and is bed ridden wants to drive a car. I tell her she can when she can get in and out of the car on her own because I may not be there to help her when she gets to her destination.

You might even have fun talking about this. Plan how the shed needs to be lined, what shelving would be needed. The categories to organise the books, and what order they would be shelved in. How many are large size, and how does that affect the shelving layout. What books he already has, and whether he would need more. Could he go looking for suitable books in OP shops? Which categories?

In reality this would genuinely take a lot of planning, and the planning could take weeks or months. It would if I was going to do it myself! I go through my own books every couple of years, shed the books I don't want to keep, change where they are so I can find them easily, and decide which ones to reread straight away. And of course his library can’t be started until it’s all planned. Lots of lists, lots of sketches, just heaps to think through. Sounds like a good idea to me!

Try , “Maybe next week” ….. then next week say “ We will look into it “ …. the week after something else … if he hasn’t been tested you might consider having it done . If cognitive issues are starting , the more you know about it the better it will be . My man has gone from MCI to Moderate Neurodegenerative disease.. He also has Anosagnosia . In the reality he lives in , there is nothing wrong with him . He still thinks he can run circles around me. He can barely walk at this stage of the game . He can not use a phone, a remote control, remember what day of the week or season of the year or complete a sentence but believed he is fine ..

When we moved our mother in law in with us 15 years ago. We never told her we moved her in. We told her to come and visit then brought a companion in while we worked. This went on until she passed 5 years later at 97. When she said I think its time to go home, I would make some excuse to why she should stay another night. She would not mention it again for months.

Melissaj75: You could ask him 'what do you plan to do with the autos stored in the garage as well as the oil cans and accessories?' 'where are you going to obtain the books for your proposed library?' and other things. Maybe only then he will realize (or not) that his proposal holds zero merit.

”Turning the garage into a library sounds like a great idea Dad but do you think your ready to go home now? I would feel better if you were a bit stronger and had the blessing of your doctors to go back to living alone without any help. But transforming the garage is going to take some planing you could certainly start now.” Do you think Your dad could actually get himself cross country and home on his own or would try?

In my experience with my Mom she comes up with things like this from time to time and we would often ask her how she was going to do this or that going through the steps needed to accomplish whatever it was, she would realize she wasn’t able to do the thing rite now but we never closed the book on it forever. Other than driving, that she still brings up from to time to time and we have stopped walking her through why that can’t happen and just say “that’s not happening, that ship has sailed” and last time I said that to her she said “I know, I just like to dream” Now we often go along with her doing something if she wants to because we know she can’t possibly accomplish it without our help and apparently so does she. Most often without even asking how she is going to accomplish something she decides she isn’t going to do (whatever it is) today or this week but she will do it next year and then the topic either never comes up again or it pops back up 6 mos later and we let her do it if she wants and can on her own, picking and choosing the things we let go and the things we help her talk herself out of. I can only imagine how hard it is not being able to do so many things, having your world get smaller because your mind and or body is letting you down, trapped in a failing body when your spirit is 30 years younger. I know how hard it is for me just watching both my mom and dad slow down and loose various abilities I can only begin to understand how hard it is for them. I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated with Mom but I’m not always good at trying to put myself in her shoes, guess Ill find out soon enough! Anyway there isn’t really any point in adding insult to injury by telling someone they aren’t able to do something they already know somewhere inside they can’t.

None of this is easy on any of us, our parents and loved ones included but I think it will be easier on him and you will feel much better about it if you don’t squash his plans or dreams just guide them when you have to and listen without positive or negative reaction the rest of the time. I feel better when I check myself and remember to do this anyway. Good luck.