My mother is 91 and in the middle stage of Alzheimers. She remembers very few people, not even her grandkids. She is the oldest of 4 sisters. Yesterday the last living sister besides Mom died of cancer. Should I tell Mom?
100% don't tell her. If you do, she'll likely get very upset... then promptly forget about it; so in the end you will have achieved nothing by telling her.
We just had similar scenario….MIL brother passed and we were not going to tell her, bring undue stress onto her. SIL ended up telling her via a phone call with no support system with MIL. We were furious. Now if she brings up her brother we just say he passed, as if it has been a long time ago. If we see this will upset her we will just use a white lie and say he is doing well. No need to upset her.
If she never talks about her, and doesn't recognise her in a photo then NO - why tell her something negative. She may retain a negative feeling and not know why, we know so little about how people process in ALZ, I wouldn't risk distressing her for someone she has forgotten, sad though it is. I do not play down the sadness of the loss for you, only any possible effect, and purpose for Mum.
I promised Mom I would never lie to her when we moved her into assisted living followed shortly with moving to memory care. THAT WAS A MISTAKE! After watching her grieve everytime she asked about Dad( who died 20 years before) I found my answer. "Gee Mom I have not seen him in a while, but I am sure he is around". True so not a lie, but I changed the subject and she was ok.
There's a distinction between telling the truth and just not bringing up something that may upset someone. Dementia patients should not be exposed to anything which may agitate them.
This woman is mentally ill. You don't know how she will react and do you really want to find out. Let sleeping dogs lie and change the subject. It will be better for all involved.
When my sister in law passed away, we were advised not to tell mom, who was alzheimers/dementia. They were afraid that the news would set her back. She was comfortable, at ease, and didn't need to be upset. So we didn't.
Does she ask about her sisters? Does she see any other family members? If not, spare her the grief. If yes, try to find a way to say that you all miss her and be there to handle her grief.
I think it depends on what state your mom is in and if she has an ongoing relationship with her sister. Will mom realize she had not heard from her sister? My mother started not calling her sister prior to her death. She did not miss her sister. Therefore, I chose to not tell my mother. It would have been hard for her to process the information. If she did process it, the sadness could have been devastating. My mom did ask for people that died many years ago. I told her they were doing well and were busy working, therefore the sent me messages instead of calling mom at odd times. She was able to accept this. Im not saying anyone should handle it the same way I did. Each patient and each day is different. I was told by a friend with experience years ago… “learn how to play the game. “ When mom would tell me about her daughter with the same name as mine, I didn’t tell her it was me. I just acted very interested. She was happy and cal which was good for both of us. remember, when dealing with a cognitively impaired person, they can’t rationalize.
That is so sweet, how you framed this. Often, my mom talks about me to me where I staunchly remind her that "you are talking to/I am me". I'm not there yet, must develop more patience and have to remember that cognitively she is no longer 100%. it is indeed a challenge.
This site is a godsend and makes me understand better how to handle my mother as she is nowhere near the person she once was. It's sad to know she will continuously decline, she still recognizes several of our immediate family members. I will remind myself to "learn how to play the game" and maintain some semblance of sanity. Thank you!
I am sorry for your loss, especially this time of year. You should tell your Mom once and only once. (Personally, I would wait until after the holidays.) This way you maintain her dignity and you know you have been honest with her. After that one time, when your mother asks, you tell your mother a truth about her sister while her sister was alive and then divert her attention. For example: “You know her, she loves her bridge, but let me tell you about something my daughter did.” The reason not to remind a dementia patient of loved one’s passing away is that they no longer have the ability to retain information. So every time you bring up a loved one’s passing, it is like they are hearing the news for the first time. If the person passed away before they had dementia and they have the ability to remember that the person passed away, then it is appropriate to discuss that loved one’s passing. But discussing someone who has passed away recently and your loved one has no ability to remember that passing, can be extremely cruel to the dementia patient. They end up suffering the initial news of death each time they hear about the passing. When you tell her about the loss of her sister, be very cognizant of her reaction. She may want to discuss her sister, look at photos, go down memory lane. During the discussion she may or may not remember that her sister has passed. So be very sensitive and perceptive toyour mom‘s moods and be ready to divert the conversation if necessary. Now, if your mother and her sister did not get along and just mentioning her sister creates stress, then I would not mention her passing. Please let those who come in contact with her know that you are having this discussion and that you expect them not to bring up the topic with her. Expect her to be agitated so those who care for her are aware and know how to calm her and understand her behavior. Dementia patients are very perceptive to the emotions around them, and they often don’t understand the emotions, but they react to them. So staying calm is essential.
Even those who passed away years before dementia, my mother still forgot and acted like it was new news which made her sad. Therefore I acted as if Everyone was alive. However your idea of Saying something the person did when they were alive and then changing the subject Is a great Way to handle it.
I don't think you need to tell her unless she asks about that sister. I'm a big proponent to trying to keep loved ones with Dementia as happy as possible. I vaguely remember my mother asking about her parents and I gave in an told her they were dead. I don't what went through her mind, but it made her very sad.
No. I understand your first inclination is to be honest. Honesty is right most everywhere in life, but not in the land of dementia. It is CRUEL to tell distressing things to dementia patients. My mom has advanced Alzheimer's now, and in the past I've spent a lot of time around early and mid dementia patients. You have to learn "therapeutic redirection". That's the clinical phrase for "lying". Here are some examples.... "Where is my husband?" "He's out washing the car. That's a nice thing for him to do."..... "I have got to get out of here and get back home!" "Me too! But there's a snow advisory, so let's wait til morning."
If your mom doesn't mention her sister, you don't either. If your mom asks about her sister, you say "She's fine, I just talked to her on the phone and she sends you a big hug."
NO. I have spent a lot of time researching the do's and don'ts of things to say to a dementia patient. Everything I have found says no. My sister has dementia and living in a lock down wing of an assisted living center. Early on, I made two mistakes. First, trying to get her to remember people. Second, telling her that her son had passed away at age 40 from a heart attack (years of drug abuse and abuse of my sister mentally and financially, a whole other story). She cried and became very upset. I made that mistake again when I mentioned that both our brothers were passed. That's when I got involved with reading and meeting with local trained folks at social service organizations. It is a mistake to try to force dementia patients to remember or to talk about someone passing. Its fine to talk about growing up, the positive things. Especially if the patient has a brief recollection of some good childhood memory. School, a holiday, someone she knew. A school play or vacation. But keep it positive, don't say things like "yes, yes..your friend passed away ten years ago". Instead say maybe "oh yes, she was a spitfire, very pretty". Short answer from experience is no, there is no good that will come of it. It can be distressful mentally and even physically. If she were to mention the sisters, just remember to guide the conversation in a positive direction. Chances are very slim that she will ask you if they are alive or passed so don't make the mistake of being the one to bring it up.
Thank you so much for sharing this very helpful answer. My mom has mild dementia and I am always the voice of ugly realty—“they’re all dead.” Now I know better. Thank you.
Your answer is the exact opposite of what I have been taught by professionals in social services for the aged. And I can tell you based on my early mistakes in dealing with my sister, yes it will make it much worse, even for a short period of time. The anxiety, the distress of hearing it can even cause a medical episode. I know this first hand when I first had to take over the affairs of my sister when her son dies suddenly from a heart attack. I made mistakes, I saw the reaction and it can be scary. I realized that caring for a dementia patient required some help with these matters. You are on this site so I can assume you are having to experience the situation first hand. But you should take the time to research, read some, ask questions before giving advice.
No, don’t tell her. She won’t remember…you’ll keep trying to explain again and again. Or suddenly she will remember and grieve each time she remembers. It’s kind of pointless to tell her. You know her sister died…just take your knowledge and extend a little extra love and attention your moms way. Your mom won’t notice, but you will.
I agree with the other people who posted. Both my mom and mother-in-law had Alzheimer's, and when people died in their respective families, we just didn't say anything. My mother-in-law thought that one of these people visited her, and we went along with it.
No. We went through this with my dad. When one of his sisters died, if we had told him, he would have asked about it over and over, and grieve every time he heard it. Over and over and over. Once they hit a certain stage, and are pretty much out of circulation, remember, they are prisoners of their minds. In early stages, yes. But once they get to a certain stage, the comprehension is gone and you are setting your self up. After my dad died, his youngest sister, my aunt, who had all her faculties, was the only one left. I went to spend time with her and she was so worried about it, and told me it weighed so heavy on er heart that she was the last one living. I spent most of my time trying to relieve her mind, when she could have spent her last days joyfully talking about our shared families.
No. She'll gain nothing but pain. In my mom's case (not as advanced), we say something like, "You know ___ is in her 90s now, so she just doesn't get out much any more." With your mom's description, you may opt for something even more calming, should the need arise, like, "Oh, I think she's coming by tomorrow," or "I hear she's doing very well."
No. She will gain nothing from being told. Stay in her moment. If she is talking about her sister (or anyone else) as though that person is right beside her, comment neutrally within what she’s saying, then gently change the subject.
When was the last time your mom talked about her sister? When was the last time she spoke to her or saw her? If she has not asked about her or talked to her I would not mention it. If she brings up sister tell her : She is doing better. She is comfortable. She is not here right now. She can't get to the phone. You are not "lying" they are all the truth.
This is a very commonly asked question on the forum. The answer is always no. She won't remember it and will keep asking where she is. Then when you again tell her she passed, she will grieve all over again. Tell her whatever "therapeutic fib" you think will keep her calm and content, as this is merciful to her. She cannot process and retain the info about her sister's death. It would be cruel to insist on telling her. Redirect the conversation, distract her. This is what we do with my MIL regarding the death of her spouse.
There is nothing positive to be gained from that knowledge, and chances are your mom's brain thinks she's younger and all her sisters are young and vibrant. Just don't mention the sister unless she does first, and if you can't bring yourself to lie (but please do -- you won't burn in hell), tell her you haven't heard from her lately.
If you tell her, you'll be telling her every day, and it'll be just like she heard it for the first time. Imagine being told of a loved one's death every single day -- it's horrific.
asks … why burden her further
Keep everything around her that is controllable as low stress as you can.
If she brings up the sister, just say she's fine.
she has a right to know.
i myself would want to know, if i were in her position.
in our family, we discussed such matters: we want to be told the truth. upsetting news? tell us the truth.
My mom did ask for people that died many years ago. I told her they were doing well and were busy working, therefore the sent me messages instead of calling mom at odd times. She was able to accept this. Im not saying anyone should handle it the same way I did. Each patient and each day is different. I was told by a friend with experience years ago… “learn how to play the game. “
When mom would tell me about her daughter with the same name as mine, I didn’t tell her it was me. I just acted very interested. She was happy and cal which was good for both of us.
remember, when dealing with a cognitively impaired person, they can’t rationalize.
This site is a godsend and makes me understand better how to handle my mother as she is nowhere near the person she once was. It's sad to know she will continuously decline, she still recognizes several of our immediate family members. I will remind myself to "learn how to play the game" and maintain some semblance of sanity. Thank you!
If your mom doesn't mention her sister, you don't either. If your mom asks about her sister, you say "She's fine, I just talked to her on the phone and she sends you a big hug."
She will only forget and keep asking and the grieving will begin all over again.
Its cruel.
Once they hit a certain stage, and are pretty much out of circulation, remember, they are prisoners of their minds. In early stages, yes. But once they get to a certain stage, the comprehension is gone and you are setting your self up.
After my dad died, his youngest sister, my aunt, who had all her faculties, was the only one left. I went to spend time with her and she was so worried about it, and told me it weighed so heavy on er heart that she was the last one living. I spent most of my time trying to relieve her mind, when she could have spent her last days joyfully talking about our shared families.
Not lying. Best for her comfort and YOUR COMFORT.
When was the last time she spoke to her or saw her?
If she has not asked about her or talked to her I would not mention it.
If she brings up sister tell her :
She is doing better.
She is comfortable.
She is not here right now.
She can't get to the phone.
You are not "lying" they are all the truth.
There is nothing positive to be gained from that knowledge, and chances are your mom's brain thinks she's younger and all her sisters are young and vibrant. Just don't mention the sister unless she does first, and if you can't bring yourself to lie (but please do -- you won't burn in hell), tell her you haven't heard from her lately.
If you tell her, you'll be telling her every day, and it'll be just like she heard it for the first time. Imagine being told of a loved one's death every single day -- it's horrific.