My mother is 91 and in the middle stage of Alzheimers. She remembers very few people, not even her grandkids. She is the oldest of 4 sisters. Yesterday the last living sister besides Mom died of cancer. Should I tell Mom?
I wouldn't bother. She'll likely be upset. And ask about it over and over and you'll have to keep telling her and it will be new and upsetting every time.
So, nothing to be gained by telling her. Let her miss out on this pain.
That's a good way to put it: "Let her miss out on this pain." When you think about it, that may be the only "perk" to Alzheimer's: potentially never having to go through a certain loss for the first time, let alone again and again.
NO. I have spent a lot of time researching the do's and don'ts of things to say to a dementia patient. Everything I have found says no. My sister has dementia and living in a lock down wing of an assisted living center. Early on, I made two mistakes. First, trying to get her to remember people. Second, telling her that her son had passed away at age 40 from a heart attack (years of drug abuse and abuse of my sister mentally and financially, a whole other story). She cried and became very upset. I made that mistake again when I mentioned that both our brothers were passed. That's when I got involved with reading and meeting with local trained folks at social service organizations. It is a mistake to try to force dementia patients to remember or to talk about someone passing. Its fine to talk about growing up, the positive things. Especially if the patient has a brief recollection of some good childhood memory. School, a holiday, someone she knew. A school play or vacation. But keep it positive, don't say things like "yes, yes..your friend passed away ten years ago". Instead say maybe "oh yes, she was a spitfire, very pretty". Short answer from experience is no, there is no good that will come of it. It can be distressful mentally and even physically. If she were to mention the sisters, just remember to guide the conversation in a positive direction. Chances are very slim that she will ask you if they are alive or passed so don't make the mistake of being the one to bring it up.
Thank you so much for sharing this very helpful answer. My mom has mild dementia and I am always the voice of ugly realty—“they’re all dead.” Now I know better. Thank you.
There is nothing positive to be gained from that knowledge, and chances are your mom's brain thinks she's younger and all her sisters are young and vibrant. Just don't mention the sister unless she does first, and if you can't bring yourself to lie (but please do -- you won't burn in hell), tell her you haven't heard from her lately.
If you tell her, you'll be telling her every day, and it'll be just like she heard it for the first time. Imagine being told of a loved one's death every single day -- it's horrific.
When was the last time your mom talked about her sister? When was the last time she spoke to her or saw her? If she has not asked about her or talked to her I would not mention it. If she brings up sister tell her : She is doing better. She is comfortable. She is not here right now. She can't get to the phone. You are not "lying" they are all the truth.
No, don’t tell her. She won’t remember…you’ll keep trying to explain again and again. Or suddenly she will remember and grieve each time she remembers. It’s kind of pointless to tell her. You know her sister died…just take your knowledge and extend a little extra love and attention your moms way. Your mom won’t notice, but you will.
This is a very commonly asked question on the forum. The answer is always no. She won't remember it and will keep asking where she is. Then when you again tell her she passed, she will grieve all over again. Tell her whatever "therapeutic fib" you think will keep her calm and content, as this is merciful to her. She cannot process and retain the info about her sister's death. It would be cruel to insist on telling her. Redirect the conversation, distract her. This is what we do with my MIL regarding the death of her spouse.
No. We went through this with my dad. When one of his sisters died, if we had told him, he would have asked about it over and over, and grieve every time he heard it. Over and over and over. Once they hit a certain stage, and are pretty much out of circulation, remember, they are prisoners of their minds. In early stages, yes. But once they get to a certain stage, the comprehension is gone and you are setting your self up. After my dad died, his youngest sister, my aunt, who had all her faculties, was the only one left. I went to spend time with her and she was so worried about it, and told me it weighed so heavy on er heart that she was the last one living. I spent most of my time trying to relieve her mind, when she could have spent her last days joyfully talking about our shared families.
Does she ask about her sisters? Does she see any other family members? If not, spare her the grief. If yes, try to find a way to say that you all miss her and be there to handle her grief.
This woman is mentally ill. You don't know how she will react and do you really want to find out. Let sleeping dogs lie and change the subject. It will be better for all involved.
When my sister in law passed away, we were advised not to tell mom, who was alzheimers/dementia. They were afraid that the news would set her back. She was comfortable, at ease, and didn't need to be upset. So we didn't.
So, nothing to be gained by telling her. Let her miss out on this pain.
There is nothing positive to be gained from that knowledge, and chances are your mom's brain thinks she's younger and all her sisters are young and vibrant. Just don't mention the sister unless she does first, and if you can't bring yourself to lie (but please do -- you won't burn in hell), tell her you haven't heard from her lately.
If you tell her, you'll be telling her every day, and it'll be just like she heard it for the first time. Imagine being told of a loved one's death every single day -- it's horrific.
When was the last time she spoke to her or saw her?
If she has not asked about her or talked to her I would not mention it.
If she brings up sister tell her :
She is doing better.
She is comfortable.
She is not here right now.
She can't get to the phone.
You are not "lying" they are all the truth.
She will only forget and keep asking and the grieving will begin all over again.
Its cruel.
Once they hit a certain stage, and are pretty much out of circulation, remember, they are prisoners of their minds. In early stages, yes. But once they get to a certain stage, the comprehension is gone and you are setting your self up.
After my dad died, his youngest sister, my aunt, who had all her faculties, was the only one left. I went to spend time with her and she was so worried about it, and told me it weighed so heavy on er heart that she was the last one living. I spent most of my time trying to relieve her mind, when she could have spent her last days joyfully talking about our shared families.
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