My mother has just recently suffered a severe stroke from which she will likely never recover. She was my grandmother's POA, and was paying half of my grandmother's stay at a nursing care facility. My grandmother was not willing to travel around the house with her walker, and after a few too many close calls, the decision was made to put her in supervised care.
This was two years ago.
My father (my grandmother's new POA since my mother's stroke) does not have the funds necessary to continue paying for half of her care. He will continue to be unable to pay for my grandmother's care until he has access to my mother's assets, which will take 6 months to a year.
I have been considering acting as her live-in caretaker in that time. For me, it seems very simple. She is my grandmother, she helped raise me, and she doesn't like the nursing facility and would like to come home. She has dementia, but her general attitude towards life and her family has never wavered. She is a model guest at the nursing home, I have been told repeatedly that she's a wonderful person to work with, she's friendly and funny and cooperates always with their staff. My grandmother is 93, she was diagnosed with dementia six years ago, during which time her mood and attitude has not changed hardly at all. I have noticed a lot of people experience caretaker burnout dealing with ungrateful or uncooperative elderly persons. My grandmother is not in any way like this.
My fiance, he has many more reservations. My heart is telling me that taking care of my grandmother is simply the right thing to do in this situation, but he feels I'm taking on more risk and responsibility than I understand, and he believes I might have a REALLY hard time, and that I might be ruining my future to do this. I'm 23, I've just gotten a new job with a good company that provides a lot of opportunity for growth. He doesn't want me to have to give up this job, especially since my current boss has been a good friend of mine for years.
He also believes that this cannot be a one-person job. He believes that he'll find himself helping me out often, if not daily, with my grandmother's care (since I couldn't be expected to be on duty 24/7.) This would cause problems for his own future; when he isn't working, he's developing a software portfolio. He wouldn't be able to focus on his future career if he's helping me out so much, but I don't really see how I might need his help, seeing as my grandmother is so docile, and low maintenance (for her condition.)
There's also the matter of cost. I have been promised by trustworthy family that I'll be paid slightly more than I'm currently making, but much less than the average live-in caretaker. I'm okay with that, but I'm not okay with the fact my family and I will be responsible for the entirety of employment taxes. That hasn't been worked out yet, and how much or the manner of payment has not been ironed out. This is another concern of my fiance's.
The greatest of his concerns is simply that I will not be able to provide care at the level the nursing home is able to provide care. He reiterates often that there are 4 or 5 trained professionals on staff at the nursing home at any given time for my grandmother, but that I am only a single person who has never cared for another person in my life. I don't have kids, I have never been responsible for someone's care. (I don't need CPR certification or anything; my grandmother has a DNR.) He worries I'm biting off a lot more than I can chew, and I'm oblivious to that fact because I'm so motivated to do 'the right thing' for my family. When, in fact, this may not be the right thing for my grandmother.
He's right. I'm having a hard time processing his concerns out of a sheer drive to do the right thing. I also have no idea what I'm getting into; other than generally managing the household, and making sure my grandmother is safe, clean, and well-fed, I'm not sure what my specific job duties might become.
What should I consider that I haven't yet considered? Is there weight to my fiance's concerns? Am I even capable of providing adequate care for my grandmother? (My fiance doesn't seem to think so.) I don't want to ruin my life, and now he's scared me so much I'm actually reconsidering.
Any words of advice from someone a little further down the road than me? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!
sounds like she is liked and settled in. Your boyfriend is spot on with advice. Plus
you may have more involvement required with your parents. Stay clear in your thinking and continue to broaden you own life and relationships. You can still be there for others just be there for you first. I hope it all works out, keep the faith.
Please take this advice, and don't put your life on hold.
I would recommend that you keep your job which is difficult if you chose to become a primary caregiver for your grandmother. At 93 your grandmother may not live that much longer, so your stint as a primary caregiver will be relatively short run. However, at 93 various things tend to happen, conditions worsen etc.
As far as a diagnosis of dementia, if she has had this label for 6 yrs and not much change in function, I fear the label may not be accurate. I found medical staff unfamiliar with normal aging process are all to free with whipping out the label for any elder over age 85 yrs.
However, I think you need to determine exactly what she can and can't do for herself as this will give you a better idea of what it would take to keep her at home. If your grandmother has been paying her way in the nursing home, there might be enough money to provide a home health aide/companion for your grandmother while your and your spouse are at work. This would reduce the amount of care you need to provide each day while trying to focus on your employment.
Will your mother or father be able to continue to care for her at some future date? Will your father be consumed caring for your mother leaving grandmother's care to you? Do you have aunts/uncles who could step up to provide some care for their mother? Do you have siblings who could help either with grandmother or your mother? The more support you have the better off you will be to maintain your home, and your employment while caring for your grandmother.
It may be something you wish to do, but you do need to have your ducks in a row or it will be overwhelming. Caring for an elder is unlike caring for a child. The child over time becomes more independent --needing less care. The elder will become more and more dependent ---needing more care. It is just a factor of the aging process. Elders wanting to be independent, having lived a full life, want to remain independent. While this desire is commendable, it can make it difficult to care for them at times. Say they refuse a cane or walker when it is needed, it results in falls and injury. While direct guidance to children tends to work, it often is resented by elders even when well meaning. I found I needed to discuss things in detail with my dad and give him time to think about things to gain his support for any changes in his care. Since he kept his mental abilities I had that option.
Lastly if your grandmother is running out of money to pay for the nursing home, then your father/mother could make arrangements for her to get Medicaid money to pay for her nursing home. If the inability to get to her money to continue paying is due to your mother's illness and her having the POA, I think the POA could be transferred to allow the current payment to continue to the nursing home. This might be the best solution.
Good luck Your are amazing to be willing to care for your grandmother at 23 when she is 93yrs.
Elizabeth
Medicaid - I've been through this process for my Dad who is in a nursing home. Get an elder care attorney to walk you through the steps. It's complicated but well worth it. To start the process, you only need to file one form and give it to the nursing home. From that day on, she is considered "Medicaid Pending" and you only pay what you can pay. It much more complicated than that, but that's the idea. It will save your Dad from bankruptcy, you from hardship etc...
Leave grandma where she is. She is safe and being taken care of properly. Go and visit her as much as you can. Bring her home for a day, bring her ice cream, do her laundry. Please take time to think about this.
xo
-SS
This will still be cheaper than the nursing facility. Get other members in the family to help with meals and transportation etc. It is worth trying for you own peace of mind.