My mother has just recently suffered a severe stroke from which she will likely never recover. She was my grandmother's POA, and was paying half of my grandmother's stay at a nursing care facility. My grandmother was not willing to travel around the house with her walker, and after a few too many close calls, the decision was made to put her in supervised care.
This was two years ago.
My father (my grandmother's new POA since my mother's stroke) does not have the funds necessary to continue paying for half of her care. He will continue to be unable to pay for my grandmother's care until he has access to my mother's assets, which will take 6 months to a year.
I have been considering acting as her live-in caretaker in that time. For me, it seems very simple. She is my grandmother, she helped raise me, and she doesn't like the nursing facility and would like to come home. She has dementia, but her general attitude towards life and her family has never wavered. She is a model guest at the nursing home, I have been told repeatedly that she's a wonderful person to work with, she's friendly and funny and cooperates always with their staff. My grandmother is 93, she was diagnosed with dementia six years ago, during which time her mood and attitude has not changed hardly at all. I have noticed a lot of people experience caretaker burnout dealing with ungrateful or uncooperative elderly persons. My grandmother is not in any way like this.
My fiance, he has many more reservations. My heart is telling me that taking care of my grandmother is simply the right thing to do in this situation, but he feels I'm taking on more risk and responsibility than I understand, and he believes I might have a REALLY hard time, and that I might be ruining my future to do this. I'm 23, I've just gotten a new job with a good company that provides a lot of opportunity for growth. He doesn't want me to have to give up this job, especially since my current boss has been a good friend of mine for years.
He also believes that this cannot be a one-person job. He believes that he'll find himself helping me out often, if not daily, with my grandmother's care (since I couldn't be expected to be on duty 24/7.) This would cause problems for his own future; when he isn't working, he's developing a software portfolio. He wouldn't be able to focus on his future career if he's helping me out so much, but I don't really see how I might need his help, seeing as my grandmother is so docile, and low maintenance (for her condition.)
There's also the matter of cost. I have been promised by trustworthy family that I'll be paid slightly more than I'm currently making, but much less than the average live-in caretaker. I'm okay with that, but I'm not okay with the fact my family and I will be responsible for the entirety of employment taxes. That hasn't been worked out yet, and how much or the manner of payment has not been ironed out. This is another concern of my fiance's.
The greatest of his concerns is simply that I will not be able to provide care at the level the nursing home is able to provide care. He reiterates often that there are 4 or 5 trained professionals on staff at the nursing home at any given time for my grandmother, but that I am only a single person who has never cared for another person in my life. I don't have kids, I have never been responsible for someone's care. (I don't need CPR certification or anything; my grandmother has a DNR.) He worries I'm biting off a lot more than I can chew, and I'm oblivious to that fact because I'm so motivated to do 'the right thing' for my family. When, in fact, this may not be the right thing for my grandmother.
He's right. I'm having a hard time processing his concerns out of a sheer drive to do the right thing. I also have no idea what I'm getting into; other than generally managing the household, and making sure my grandmother is safe, clean, and well-fed, I'm not sure what my specific job duties might become.
What should I consider that I haven't yet considered? Is there weight to my fiance's concerns? Am I even capable of providing adequate care for my grandmother? (My fiance doesn't seem to think so.) I don't want to ruin my life, and now he's scared me so much I'm actually reconsidering.
Any words of advice from someone a little further down the road than me? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!
So I hope our poster heeds all this good advice here to leave Grandma happy and safe in the NH and go and visit her as much as possible.
luv to all,
-SS
I am well into my fifties, happily married for 30 plus years. My 80 + yr old mother came to live with us 7 months ago. It has devastated us in ways that could never be predicted. No one should try to do this alone at any age, especially not during their 20's. You can never get the time back.
We are far from wealthy, but I can honestly say I would have to think twice about doing this again if I were offered a million dollars for one year. In our situation there is little physical energy used in caring for my mother, she can still do the physical things for herself. The emotional and mental drain is beyond anything imaginable.
Sadly the great majority of seniors give off more negative energy than anyone can imagine until they have tried to live with them.
Then there is the criticism you will get from other relatives. They do not want to care for grandma, but want to criticize the one who does. Please don't scar your self in this way.
Re-reading the above answers this morning the one thing that stands out is the fiancé's concerns. Are they for you or himself? before making any decisions about grandmother you really need to look at the stability of your personal relationship. Your fiancé is right in expressing his concerns, they are all probabilities and some certainties. At such an advanced age things change in a split second. Have a long talk with the director of nursing at your grandmother's facility and ask her to tell you all the horror stories? It is not a pretty picture. Are you prepared for the possibility that this sweet old lady will turn into someone who refuses to keep her clothes on, screams for her dead husband all night, has to be tied in her chair, removes her diapers and plays with the poop and has to be spoon fed but won't open her mouth. Yes this can happen as others will attest to.
As far as the financial side of things goes. I do not understand why your parents are paying for the nh at all unless grandmother has a great deal of money that has been turned over and they are waiting for the "look back" period for Medicaid to expire which is currently five years and includes all assets she owns not just money. if she has been in the current facility which sounds above average for over six months with private pay Medicaid can not force her to move to some where less desirable at least not in New York State.
Your heart is in the right place but please please look at all aspects of this before making a decision it has to be right for you. Of course grandmother would prefer to be at home but if you bring her to your house it won't be "home" and if you two move into her old home it still won't be the independence she may crave because you and your fiancé will be supervising her. Think care fully and may God be with you in your decision, if you are patient he has a way of working things out.
Grand mother is n s faciltiy that tat
The other side of the discussion is that we do see many partially neglected seniors in the US, and now probably also in Asian countries that are rapidly transitioning towards the modern economy. Probably not more than 50% now in the US at each local center. Even if it were 10%, 20%, that's a large number that many nurses, nurse assistants and doctors do witness quite regularly. True that these seniors are probably better cared for than would be at home as it is. But the care and longevity are better off when someone from the family can step up or step in the picture.
One semi-retired dentist in fact wants to make the care giving to be important in my local immigrant community by organizing a day to honor the grand parents right around the Thanksgiving weekend when seniors are showered with gifts, for those who are above a certain age and are still able to come out to the event. He wrote recently that he is thankful for the opportunity he has for being able to take care of his mother. He is probably a grand father himself already. Many of us, care givers, are likely struggling daily. But we can always look at this as our opportunity to be there together in the remaining years. For some, it is our love and our blessings. A local pastor often asks this insightful question on his radio program if there are things in our life that we are willing to die for.
Your grandmother sounds like a dream to care for.....docile, kind, funny...Wow! I wish my mother was all of those things!
Although I believe you have a wonderful heart and compassion for your grandmother, I have to wonder if possibly you may be making the wrong decision. Your fiance does not want you to do it as he does not want to become involved in her care. He sees himself losing you and your relationship to your grandmother and he doesn't want that. This is a huge responsibility right before you marry someone and could cause your relationship to break apart. He is trying to warn you.
Try to see if you can find the finances to continue with the care your grandmother needs in the facility even if you need Medicaid. If all else fails then you can step in but try everything else first. This is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT AND TAKES A TOLL ON YOU MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
I applaud your intentions and effort, but I was 50 yrs old when this happen to me and my mother... and I was still to YOUNG for this experience. I believe with all my heart you are fully capable and compassionate enough to do this job. That's not even in question. The question you need to ask yourself... are you ready to give up your life for your grandmother. Because in essence, when you step in as care giver, your life is not your own anymore. Every thing do or say in your life will revolve around your grandmother. You will be living her life. You life will change "drastically" and you will change. You will not emerged from this experience the same person. Some people can grow and learn from this situation. But sadly to say, I have seen my friends,co-workers (my self included) leave this situation with a jaded and resentful outlook on life. We did managed to overcome it and semi return to our cheerful and pleasant self, but our lives and inner core was changed FOREVER! I am not trying to scare you or influence your decision....I just feel that as someone with her life ahead of her and such a bright future, you need to understand the immense obligation you are about to undertake. I noticed that you have a "strong desire to do the right thing". Some times the "right thing" means making those hard decisions. You are a bright and intelligent young lady and I have no doubt you will do what you feel best. I wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors. If you do decide to care for your mother... stay on this site it is a wealth of knowledge and support... it saved my life. Good luck, my dear.
There will be God's blessings on you for bearing the hardship whichever way you choose to go. There is more you can be learning from observations, from people, from reading online and from doctors and caregivers. For sure, mental health is preserved better by being with more family members. Not every dementia case is Alzheimer. I thought our father did but his mental level has remained about the same from the initial diagnosis 4 years ago. But it doesn't mean easier on the children. After awhile I have begun to learn that life is not about making material gains although very easy to follow that way. Good luck.