Should I take my mother to a close family friend's funeral? My mother has moderate Alzheimer's.

Ask her if she want to go and be prepared to leave early. No one will think badly of you for trying or for putting your mother's needs first at the time, and ensuring no disruption for the bereaved.

Does she know this person well? Does she socialize or interact this person? If not, she can probably skip the funeral and stay home with a sitter.

While the thought is nice, the combination of Alz with Covid-19 says this would be a mistake. I don't see anywhere how long ago the previous funeral was, but it WAS in the past and Alz doesn't get any better over time - it may not have regressed much or any since then, but if she was confused and wanted to leave then, it likely won't be different now. On top of that is the concern for Covid-19. Even with masking and distancing people sometimes get exposed and might get sick. Being older, she is at even more risk. Having cognitive disorders, how well does she do wearing a mask? My mother kept taking hers off.

While it is nice to honor the person and their family and friends by attending, it really wouldn't serve a good purpose to take her. If you can safely attend, you can express condolences for her as well, and perhaps share a few fun memories that you have about her and this friend.

Even for those who are aware of what is going on, often they become restless, tired, maybe even irritable, when out of their "comfort" zone for too long. After taking mom to see the place we had chosen, which was more of a fun outing in a way, she, on return home, said it was nice, but next time she wouldn't go (by then she thought we were looking for a place for my YB!!!) Often they forget why they are there, what's going on or that they even went. They will forget the person passed. My mother began asking about her mother, 40+ years after she passed and she went to the wake and funeral! That memory was obviously gone.

Anyway, I would perhaps spend time talking with her about the friend, asking questions, viewing old pics together, etc, to celebrate his life instead of his death. In her mind, even if she went to the funeral, he would likely still be alive, so go with that!

KuDaughterJ: Imho, the answer that you're looking for should be "No, do not take her to the close family friend's funeral" and that will be multi fold, e.g. your mother has dementia, the funeral will be difficult even for a WELL person and due to the Novel Coronavirus. Offer her condolences to the family. That will suffice.

I say a big no if it would confuse her. Would you and your sister be able to go while someone sits with your mom? If not, would just your sis be able to attend? I am sure the family would completely understand.

I think it's better to tell the family that your mother would have loved to have been there, however, the situation doesn't allow her to easily attend these events. On a good day it might work but you just don't know. My mother had alzheimers and I think your friend's family would understand.

No.......find someone to sit with your loved one until you come back (either someone they know or get a caregiver to come in)......why add to confusion and she might even get disruptive (not on purpose) which will only add to the sadness.  If she wants to know where you are going, tell her you have to stop at store but will be back soon.........after funeral stop at store and grab some goody for her to prove that you went to the store.  she won't know any difference and will save you peace of mind. wishing you luck.

I would not take your mother to the funeral with Covid and she will be at high risk. The last time she attended it did not go well. I would not put her through more stress. Good luck.

No. You both may have known him over 57 years, but your mother’s mind doesn’t have that frame of reference anymore. She may even forget that she was at the funeral at all.

I agree with all the "NO" due to Covid responses here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO:
* Get / share / show photos of this close family friend so she can feel and perhaps gain some closure. At the very least, it will serve as a way for her to (1) get some feelings / grief out; and (2) remember him, even if she doesn't. Gena

100% yes, with a mask and proper social distancing.

This will refresh her memory and stimulate conversation. She may see others that she knows and that will help her mind also.

I would feel badly missing a close friend’s funeral.

Your mother does not need to go to the funeral. You can go on behalf of your family.

Why not go & pay your respects for a lil while only ... you dont have to stay the whole 3 hours or do you have a day care for the elderly where you live that she can go to while you attend the procession

Because of Covid, No. If she would ask, inform her that it's for health reasons that she not go.
Often today, funerals are live streamed and recorded.
If that's the case, you may play a small portion for her .
"Here's his neice, ___, singing his favorite song/hymm, etc.
My Mom, 92, stopped going to funerals 7 years ago. It's just too much for her. She didn't go to her brother or sisters funerals.

No.

I took my husband (frontotemporal disorder, mild cognitive impairment) to his brother's funeral just before the covid restrictions. He is glad he went and I am glad we went, but his behavior there caused people to realize that something is wrong with him. (No one had been told anything except for his brother, the one that died. Apparently he never even told his wife.) Do you really want to draw unwanted attention at a funeral home or service?

I think you should just tell your mom that because of covid, she'll have to watch the service online or wait until a memorial service is held at a later date (which is what most families are doing in my area).

NO. First of all, it's COVID-19 times so the exposure isn't wise for both of you. Second, taking her out of familiar settings will disorient and confuse her. Lastly, she won't remember going. I was recently torn when my Mom's first cousin died, but I opted not to go. She hasn't talked about him either before or after his death. Our loved ones barely can remember how to function, it doesn't serve any purpose to confuse and upset them even more. Send a beautiful card, or a basket to his family with regrets that you couldn't attend.

Has she asked about this person in the last month?
Has she seen this person in the last month?
Has she talked to this person in the last month?
If the answer is no to these she is probably better off not going and if you have not told her, don't.
Going places where there are a lot of people. People she has not seen ever or in a while and a lot of noise, talking it can be overwhelming for someone with any type of dementia to handle.
If she has moderate dementia she will be exhausted trying to "cover up" and make is seem like noting is wrong. (if she does this type of thing)
Have someone stay with your mom, you go and extend her condolences. I am sure most people that you are close to are aware of your mom's dementia and they will understand why she is not there.

Normally, whether or not to go would depend on how severe is your mother's Alzheimer's. However, the presence of Covid-19 suggests strongly that you NOT go. You would be exposing yourself and her to the virus even if you wear masks and face visors and keep social distanced. Many infections are being spread at funerals. Take care.

Love and Prayer

At first we where afraid to do this with my grandmother because she laughs and cries at inappropriate times. But recently we lost my uncle to a brain injury and we took her to his funeral because she knew him. He was cremated and she didn’t even notice his urn and she was more focused on the pictures than anything else so it worked out ok. Another factor that worked in our favor is because of COVID funeral homes have a limited amount of people at one time that can be in the building so that helps her not to be overly stimulated or stressed and if we had to leave quickly we could. Ultimately with dementia and Alzheimer’s everybody is different and it depends what level of progression of the illness your loved one is at that you’ll have to figure out what they can handle or not. For example we limit taking my grandmother into grocery stores as much as possible because she takes off and has a hard time being around so many people and is overly stimulated so we know that is a situation she can no longer handle at the stage she is at. But we can take her into a smaller group of people like at Church or a small gathering with friends.

If mom talks about family friend often, then say what is right in your heart.

Then again,

I am sure if you contacted the family, they would certainly understand your circumstances...

It is okay... they should understand.. and if your mom has not mentioned this family friend in awhile.... then just don't take her...

I agree. We took my MIL to her son's funeral. She would have been aware he had stopped visiting. But some family thought we should keep his death a secret. She managed it well. I would ask her what she thinks you should do about a friend of yours under the circumstances of Covid or illness preventing one from attending, etc. I would guess send some condolences, and then do it in her name and yours.

i helped take care of mom for her last seven years on earth. I never spoke to her about her eventual death with Parkinson's. nor possible complications with slow malignant breast tumor or that so and so died. to what purpose would there be to remind her that all good things have to come to an end? what is the benefit in reminding someone that that they too will eventually die...unless one has vengeful intent?as her disease progressed, I sincerely believed that she tried her darnest to make our care giving as easy as possible. I thank her for that. I think that it is our job to make their last days on earth as joyful and comfortable as possible...adding the overcast of a funeral does not brighten their day :(

Just ask her if she wants to go. Talk with her about her friend. During the course of the conversation, you may find that she is ok with not going. You might talk with her about covid and not really a good idea. If she really wants to go, then take her. You can always leave. Nothing says you have to stay for the whole thing.

If there will be a visitation, perhaps take her to that instead of a full funeral service. She would be able to see some of the family members (and likely to remember some of them because that is the long term memory), sign the book, and go home.

Just see how she reacts in the initial conversation. Depending on memory issues, she may not have a desire or the long time friendship is no longer clear in her mind.

But does your mother still know this man?

After my mother had her stroke, and currently with my husband, I didn't / don't tell them when someone has passed away. If he asks about someone who has passed, I remind him of some happy or crazy event that he shared with that person and it seems to appease him. He is still at the point where he knows there is something wrong with himself and it upsets him. I see no reason to do anything else to make him upset. I agree with the other posters and you go represent the family. The family of the departed will certainly understand your situation. Hugs of comfort to you.

Please don't. You go and represent the family, but it will just upset your mother terribly.

There are numerous friends and relatives who have died since my mother's dementia started, and I haven't told them about any of them. I love hearing her talk about many of those people in the present tense, and I'd never do anything to take that away from her.

No, would get my vote, given you have a history to look back on here.

I think you should not take her. In fact it might make you feel more comfortable if you can recall that SHE was uncomfortable at the last funeral she attended.

You have absolutely no reason to be “torn”. You are making a decision for your mother that will give her peace and comfort.

Taking her might well make her feel agitated and uncomfortable. Be at peace with your decision.

Your sister is right. Don't bring her. What will end up happening is she'll make some kind of unpleasant scene which of course won't be her fault because of the Alzheimer's. Still the people who will be at that funeral mourning the friend you had for over 57 years, should not have to deal with that. Leave mom at home.