Should I take my mom, with advanced vascular dementia, on holiday for her 80th birthday?

Oh My, No.

Have a party at her facility, do a beach theme, maybe show a beach movie of some kind, Serve fun food with it.

She is in no condition to travel, and you have no idea what a mess this will turn out to be, let that idea go.

Take care!

Don’t do it. Don’t take mom out of her facility if you feel that it will be too much for everyone to deal with, including her.

I agree with everyone that says to bring any festivities to the facility.

I think it’s really important to go with the flow, so to speak.

Years ago, I toured a lovely assisted living facility that I was considering for my mom. It had a beautiful large dining room that could be reserved for a resident and their family to enjoy holiday dinners together.

Families could bring their home cooked or catered meals and celebrate the occasion with their family members at the facility.

The person who gave the tour said that a mother who was a resident at the facility thought she had cooked the feast that everyone enjoyed. In the past, this woman cooked big holiday meals for her family.

The family went along with it all! They told her, “Mom, you really outdid yourself this year! Everything is delicious!” Mom was happy and they were happy.

Let me say this: taking my mother more than 50' away from her comfort zone in memory care caused her SUCH discomfort and anxiety, that I had to bring festivities to her. We'd both have had a nervous breakdown had I even attempted to fake her on a holiday, omg. Advanced dementia is a Pandoras Box of who knows WHAT can happen!

Stop thinking in terms of what a normally functioning elder can tolerate and start thinking in terms of how to make both of your lives easier by keeping things local and super simple. Bring the party to HER and both of you will likely get more out of the experience.

I know how hard this is......wishing you the best of luck with your plans.

One word. NO!

These things never go as well as the fantasy in our minds.

You have a good heart for wanting to do this but trust the advice from all- it will not go well.

No no no and NO!

What does her dementia specialist say about this idea?

Tailor anything you do to her current needs. Not to what she thinks she can do.

My answer is definitely NO.

When my father was 80 he was in good shape and lived on his own. He heard I wanted to go to Disney World and wanted to come along. I thought it would be a good idea as I would have someone to split the cost of a hotel room and he'd get to spend quality time with his grandkids. Worst-decision-ever! For a man who could run through a casino, he could barely get through the airport. I was a nervous wreck at the park trying to keep an eye on two excited pre teens and an 80 year old man lagging behind. Someone later suggested I should have gotten him a wheelchair. I asked them what type of vacation for me would it have been if I was pushing someone around in a wheelchair all day. Funny how everyone forgets it is your vacation too. Often we would leave him to sit and people watch while we ran off to hit a ride or two. When I vacation I want to cover a lot of ground but I couldn't because I felt like I had to keep checking on him. Day 2 he stayed at the hotel while we went to the park. I felt like my once in a lifetime vacation for my kids was a disappointment because we couldn't do all the things we wanted to do. Remember this was a man who still lived on his own and was pretty much self sufficient.

For his 93rd birthday when he was in AL I picked up McDonald's and ate with him in his room. He couldn't handle anything more than that.

I'd say no!

I took my mom on a couple of cruises. They were her fave thing to do.

On the first one, her dementia wasn't so bad but she had mobility problems and used a wheelchair to get around. A friend and a cousin went with us to help. Mom complained of pain, and we took her to the ship's doctor, who didn't help much because mom couldn't say what hurt, maybe she just wanted to complain? It was a major project to get her in and out of the wheelchair, up and down the ramps, etc. She was crabby (maybe because of pain? who knows?), demanding, and accused us of talking to each other more than to her. People were rude. For instance, we're waiting for an elevator on the ship because one of us would push her in and stay with her, and the others would then use the stairs - but people trampled right past that wheelchair and stuffed the elevator, leaving no room for mom. We sometimes waited for 5 or 6 elevators before getting one with room.

The second cruise, we took mom, her full-time 24/7 caregiver, and 3 relatives plus me to help. Bathrooms were a problem, mom was a problem, she'd insist we push her around everywhere for no reason, and had no idea of our difficulty. She couldn't use an electric scooter. She couldn't physically get off the ship to sightsee, and someone had to stay with her at all times. We had to rent a van with special equipment to get her to and from the ship. She still had pain - who knows where?

Mom had a good time --she got her wish to cruise--but we were all exhausted afterward.

It's confusing for them. Their brain illness makes it impossible to know how to act normally. Mom didn't understand why we weren't on time for the shows because she didn't recall having to wait for an elevator. It was unclear how much she recalled of the last cruise afterward, even in the next few days or weeks.

At some point, we must accept that they are not as before - and this should be that time for you.

Don't even consider it. This will be an absolute catastrophe.

My gut answer is no! Make that a resounding NO!!!
Have you taken your mom out for an extended time recently?
Are you able to SAFELY get her in and out of a car?
Have you been able to get her into a public restroom and use a toilet and possibly change her in the bathroom???
Have you gone to a restaurant? Is she able to handle the noise, confusion and been able to have a meal? allow you and others to enjoy their meal?
Have you been able to keep her out for 5, 6, 8 hours without her wanting to "go home"?
And...
Would you take a caregiver with you to help you? Not a family member but a caregiver that knows her, knows how to settle her down if she gets agitated?
Are you prepared to turn around and return home when you are half way there, or once the plane lands would you book the next flight back or rent a car if she wants to go home?

The intention is lovely. And her memories are a joy. But negotiating this, IMHO would be impossible on the face of it.

Does she like crafts at all. Could you help her make a scrapbook or a photobook of this and other beaches. Our memories cannot be returned to us intact and real. They are our memories, to be cherished as such.

How kind you are to think to try this. But anything, even a video would be preferrable to trying such an undertaking.

No

No, no, no.

Create a "beach party" for her where she is. Get some sea shells and leis at a craft store, play some Jimmy Buffet music, and get her a cake decorated to look like the beach.

Lea013, welcome to the forum. You had mentioned that last time your Mom was at the beach was with your Dad. I would fear that you Mom may try to look for your Dad since that was her last memory of being there. With advanced dementia, your Mom may fear he is missing, was hurt, or had gone out without her.

When my own Mom was in a nursing home with advance dementia, she thought the nursing home was a hotel. After my Dad visited with Mom, later Mom thought Dad had gone on a bus tour and left her behind. There was no way to convince her otherwise, due to the dementia.

A friend of mine, who's wife had advanced Alzheimer's, took a trip to the beach, They took along her caregiver. It was exhausting as his wife mind was that of a child, and it took both of them to keep watch on her, so she wouldn't just dart away. After they returned the Agency who had that caregiver was trying to bill him for 24 hours of care for each day they were away, instead of the normal 8 hours per day. He wound up paying the extra cost.

Those with upper stages of dementia need routine. When my Dad moved into Memory Care, the only time he left the building was to a doctor's appointment. We just didn't want to rock the boat by taking him out to visit or weekend trips.

Is there perhaps a lake nearby that you could take her to? In my state (Iowa) we have some lakes that are holiday places with nice cabins, etc. These have much of the ambiance of the beach you are describing and would be accessible with only an hour or two car ride. I can't imagine taking a person with dementia on a plane these days. Just too risky.

No. You shouldn't take her on a beach holiday. In her head going to the beach means a different time in her life when she used to go on holiday there. She will not have that experience now and will be miserable and that usually means the caregiving is harder for whoever has to do it.
Taking her now would be a disaster for her, you, and everyone else you would have to take along as support staff because there's no way one person can handle an elder with advanced dementia along with the taxis, plane, airport, hotel, luggage, 24-hour nursing care, etc... I truly hope you're not considering taking her on your own.
For her 80th maybe do a beach-themed get together. Serve seafood dishes, do beach-themed decorations. A little party.
Don't take her on a long trip to the beach. This is a bad idea.

It’s a lovely thought that you’d consider doing this, but sadly, for the reasons others expressed, no I wouldn’t take her on such a big trip. She’s better off staying in her familiar surroundings.

Do something special for her at or near her home.

Lea. You say you are “utterly exhausted after 2 hours” . If you decide to do this please hire and take along help ( nurses aide) .
The other thing that concerns me is the mode of transportation . If you are on an airplane and your mom has a problem you can’t just stop and get out . Would she get agitated, distressed, upset being in such a confined crowded space as an airplane ? At least a car you can stop and get out and stretch , or turn around and go back etc . Personally, I wouldn’t travel too far with a frail person .
I agree with the plan B , something closer to home, and bring along help .

It sounds like way too much stress and work for you.

Would she even remember the trip?

How about getting a nice beach scene to play on her TV (with realistic sounds)? And then she can see the beach whenever she wants!

There are really 2 parts to your question: 1) Can I handle taking someone in the state that she is in on a holiday. 2) Can the person handle the vacation.

My Mom does NOT have vascular dementia. However, I can tell you that she enjoys her outings, but really needs someone to give her complete care, whatever that means in her mind. What that means to me, is that when she needs to go to the toilet, I better find a toilet. If she is hungry, I need to have food that she can eat on hand. Luckily, she can sleep in her wheelchair, however, to take a shower, I need to find an handicapped shower. Also, she doesn't like being cold....or hot....

As for me, I know that I can not go through the stress of taking my Mom on an extended vacation any longer. It isn't the work involved, it is the other stuff, like her insistence of going somewhere that I cannot take her and her mindset of she can do x when she clearly is not capable of doing x.

Can you find a full time caregiver who is willing to go to the beach with you? Would that help your anxiety?

What does your Mom like most about going to the beach? Can you provide that in a different way? She probably will not be able to go into the sand. nor go swimming.

I think it would be great if you could provide your Mom with this opportunity. However, first, you need to figure out whether you can handle it or not. Your Mom will be getting her cues from you.

Valid concerns.

Are there are really nice hotels near you? I'm thinking a lovely room, a nice meal on site, a swimming pool with a garden setting. Two nights. Close to home so you can bail out if need be.

Not the beach.. but a compromise?