My husband (been married 4 years) moved his parents near us to help take care of them in July without fully discussing this with me. I live 1 1/2 away from my family. His father passed away recently & his mother has advanced dementia and is residing in the house alone. My husband feels likes she needs to be checked on daily which is true, probably more often. He has been doing this but has been highly stressed & irritable & is looking to hire an in-home caregiver 3 days a week for part of the day. He also asked me tonight if I can check on her the other 2 days if he has to go out of town for business. He also stated that he needed to get a caregiver so he can travel for his hobbies over the summer. I am recently retired (after 22 yrs) but still employed as well and will be 50. I had been looking forward to retirement & the flexibility my new job allows.
I know if I say that I do not want to “stick my head in” & check on her as he puts it every time he goes out of town I will have a massive fight on my hands. (when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me). I feel like if she needs daily supervision she needs 24/7 care or to be in a LTC facility for her own safety. She has been unable to cook for herself, cannot drive, does not recall basic info, sometimes does not lock doors, & recently flooded the kitchen. I feel extremely selfish saying I do not want to take this caregiver role on even for short durations. I also realize if I express this it may jeopardize our marriage. Am I being selfish & should I just suck it up & see how it goes or encourage him to get more care/LTC? does anyone have a similar experience & have any advice?
Thank you for any advice & guidance to help navigate this journey!
He is grooming you to be her caretaker. It is one thing if he has to travel for work and you jump in a day or two a month. Covering his hobby travel is a hard no. He brought her here without asking you so it is his problem to solve.
Next time he calls you selfish tell him he is manipulative. Or just say Yes I am selfish and I don’t want to do this. What is he going to do? You hold all the cards. If he threatens to pick her ask him if he needs help packing. He is counting on you not calling his bluff.
Even if he found 24/7 care for her in the home, it will eventually exceed the cost of a good facility. It will also require a lot of oversight of the paid help (hiring, firing, finding subs at the last minute, doing the bookkeeping, etc.)
Also, a good facility will at least give her social exposure and activities. Being in her home will just cloister her. My MIL is on Medicaid in LTC and receives excellent care. At a good facility, he will have peace of mind and you'll have your spouse back.
Then there's the fact that you have you own parents to help at some point. I have 3 elders I manage, my husband has 1 (in a local facility). Right now things are "quiet and balanced" but it won't stay like that for long.
In terms of your husband not really looping you into his plan from the beginning... he obviously made an assumption and/or knew you'd say no so didn't bother to ask (or was being cowardly) and/or is just a poor communicator. This is marriage counseling territory. I wish you all the best as you work through this.
This is his mother, his responsibility not yours. Sound like she should be in MC not living alone.
Tell him to take his mother with him when he goes out of town for his hobbies, that will end that idea as well.
Don't do it, you will regret the decision, he has already told you, he would pick his parents over you he couldn't make it any clearer.
Did he marry you to be a nurse (caregiver for mil) and a purse (you own the house)? What is his financial situation? Does he have assets, or is he depending on an inheritance from his mother?
What if Mama doesn't like and doesn't want caregivers in her house? And even if she accepts them, what happens when he's away hobbying or for work, and the aide doesn't show up or is sick? YOU will be the default caregiver.
I really dislike when people think it's selfish to stand up for themselves.
I really really dislike it when the word selfish gets hurled at someone else as a weapon, to guilt them, to attempt to manipulate.
How about a nice chat with the Mr. To work some things out;
1. What care MIL needs
2. What is reasonable for both of you to do.
Eg: You pop in once a week for a friendly visit. He pops in once a week (as often as he likes as his Mom afterall).
Paid caregivers are arranged for ALL the days supervision or assistance is required.
A common issue is wanting Plan A (age at home) to just keep working. Change is hard right? But dementia is progressive, therefore needs keep increasing - so the care must keep increasing too.
Is 7 days paid care going to be available? Affordable?
Maybe it is time to consider Plan B.
Mr may also want to decide what kind of husband he wants to be. One who respects his wife, her work, free time, retirement plans & works out a reasonable plan - together. Or a bully.
This is NOT a viable solution EVEN WHEN MARRIED PARTNERS ARE IN AGREEMENT.
You have NO REASON to feel SELFISH. You are expressing your honest reaction to doing something that you know you CANNOT assume responsibility for.
You do not have to wait to “see how it goes”. Dementia is progressive and untreatable. If your husband has been “highly stressed and irritable” NOW, he is certainly NOT seeing “the big picture”.
FOR YOURSELF, get a legal opinion, if you haven’t already, on potential outcomes for this already untenable situation, then congratulate yourself for your good sense.
I am sorry you ignored glaring red flags and married him anyway.
Now you need to stand up for yourself and tell him no. No you will not be popping in to check on mom and yes she needs more help then he or you is willing to provide.
Good luck and dont let him guilt you into becoming his mother's caregiver because he is under the ridiculous notion that he has to keep his mother in her home.
As an aside, did you know that your pre-nup means nothing to Medicaid? If he were to be severely injured and permanently needed care, Medicaid would not kick in until one half of all of your combined liquid assets had been spent on his care. Did you talk to an elder law attorney through the preparation of the pre-nup? Most people don't think of the impacts to their own financial welfare as a result of health issues.
Help him out by looking into memory care facilities in the area. (She's beyond assisted living.) Tour two or three of them, get all the information you need, then sit down and let him choose.
This will accomplish a number of positive things --
1. Mom will be properly cared for and socialized, which is vital for dementia patients
2. Hubs doesn't have to stress out about her then project it onto you as he's been doing,
3. You get you life back
Bonus points: You look like the hero, because you saved the day.
I found my mother's memory care place through APlaceforMom.com, and they did a great job of connecting me with the best place in the area. I'd never have found it on my own.
"Guilt" is a self-imposed, useless emotion.
Another great poster here, AlvaDeer likes to say that we confuse our "G" words. It's not guilt, it's grief we feel over our parents' loss of health and vitality.
Empathize with MIL's feelings about "old age homes". Assure her that they are not how they used to be (hopefully, in her area, this is true). Find the best managed one possible (the lobby doesn't matter--the staff/patient ratio and staffing turnover is what matters.)
A good geriatric psychiatrist can be a great source of guidance for what level of care his mom needs, and if medication might be useful.
You would be well-advised to make sure that your money isn't co-mingled with his and that he has a clear understanding of Medicaid regs in his mother's state.
Does he have Power of Attorney for her?
What is her financial situation?
Does he feel obligated to support her with his/your money?
She has dementia. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse at its own pace. It is not "chronic and stable". It is fluid and crazy making.
Folks beyond the early stages should NOT live alone, because they set things on fire, they flood things, the put themselves in all sorts of danger.
What is she going to do all day alone? The FIRST thing my mom forgot how to do was how to work a TV remote.
In short, what the heck is he thinking?
His mother either needs 24/7 at home care or a facility.
You are not "selfish" for saying a hard no to this plan. You are ensuring her safety.
There is no such thing as "sticking your head in to check" on someone with this level of dementia. He's selling this 'just check in when I'm out of town for hobbies' like it's just stopping by for five minutes to say hi.
He either doesn't understand (or does not want to accept the reality) the shape she is in, or thinks you'll just pick up where he wants to leave off. And I'd wager his 'hobbies' would render him out of town for several days. What a lovely escape!
He already said he'll pick Mommy over you. He'll get mad if you say no, huh? Fine. Let him be mad. He loves Mommy more, and that's not your fault. You can go on about your life and he can take care of Mommy.
Unless husband has a huge mental turnaround, this is going to end in one of two ways: Him making your life hell about what mean selfish wife you are, or you leave him. Not saying you should divorce him immediately and never return. More like a trial separation. Move to an apartment. If he finally gets a clue and realizes how in the wrong he is, then I'm sure things could be quickly patched up.
You are not being selfish and it's sad your husband is implying such. Hold your ground.
The only other angle is you encourage LTC (which she definitely needs). That he'd worry a lot less knowing she was getting 24/7 care. Because even if you really wanted to look after her, you can't. No one, or two, people can. She needs more than you both can do for her. Frame it as the most loving and safest thing for her... would be giving her the real help she needs to be safe.
You married home after he told you he would pick them over you?!
You are already stuck. Time to figure out how to get out.