My husband (been married 4 years) moved his parents near us to help take care of them in July without fully discussing this with me. I live 1 1/2 away from my family. His father passed away recently & his mother has advanced dementia and is residing in the house alone. My husband feels likes she needs to be checked on daily which is true, probably more often. He has been doing this but has been highly stressed & irritable & is looking to hire an in-home caregiver 3 days a week for part of the day. He also asked me tonight if I can check on her the other 2 days if he has to go out of town for business. He also stated that he needed to get a caregiver so he can travel for his hobbies over the summer. I am recently retired (after 22 yrs) but still employed as well and will be 50. I had been looking forward to retirement & the flexibility my new job allows.
I know if I say that I do not want to “stick my head in” & check on her as he puts it every time he goes out of town I will have a massive fight on my hands. (when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me). I feel like if she needs daily supervision she needs 24/7 care or to be in a LTC facility for her own safety. She has been unable to cook for herself, cannot drive, does not recall basic info, sometimes does not lock doors, & recently flooded the kitchen. I feel extremely selfish saying I do not want to take this caregiver role on even for short durations. I also realize if I express this it may jeopardize our marriage. Am I being selfish & should I just suck it up & see how it goes or encourage him to get more care/LTC? does anyone have a similar experience & have any advice?
Thank you for any advice & guidance to help navigate this journey!
You married home after he told you he would pick them over you?!
You are already stuck. Time to figure out how to get out.
There is no such thing as "sticking your head in to check" on someone with this level of dementia. He's selling this 'just check in when I'm out of town for hobbies' like it's just stopping by for five minutes to say hi.
He either doesn't understand (or does not want to accept the reality) the shape she is in, or thinks you'll just pick up where he wants to leave off. And I'd wager his 'hobbies' would render him out of town for several days. What a lovely escape!
He already said he'll pick Mommy over you. He'll get mad if you say no, huh? Fine. Let him be mad. He loves Mommy more, and that's not your fault. You can go on about your life and he can take care of Mommy.
Unless husband has a huge mental turnaround, this is going to end in one of two ways: Him making your life hell about what mean selfish wife you are, or you leave him. Not saying you should divorce him immediately and never return. More like a trial separation. Move to an apartment. If he finally gets a clue and realizes how in the wrong he is, then I'm sure things could be quickly patched up.
You are not being selfish and it's sad your husband is implying such. Hold your ground.
The only other angle is you encourage LTC (which she definitely needs). That he'd worry a lot less knowing she was getting 24/7 care. Because even if you really wanted to look after her, you can't. No one, or two, people can. She needs more than you both can do for her. Frame it as the most loving and safest thing for her... would be giving her the real help she needs to be safe.
She has dementia. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse at its own pace. It is not "chronic and stable". It is fluid and crazy making.
Folks beyond the early stages should NOT live alone, because they set things on fire, they flood things, the put themselves in all sorts of danger.
What is she going to do all day alone? The FIRST thing my mom forgot how to do was how to work a TV remote.
In short, what the heck is he thinking?
His mother either needs 24/7 at home care or a facility.
You are not "selfish" for saying a hard no to this plan. You are ensuring her safety.
You would be well-advised to make sure that your money isn't co-mingled with his and that he has a clear understanding of Medicaid regs in his mother's state.
Does he have Power of Attorney for her?
What is her financial situation?
Does he feel obligated to support her with his/your money?
"Guilt" is a self-imposed, useless emotion.
Another great poster here, AlvaDeer likes to say that we confuse our "G" words. It's not guilt, it's grief we feel over our parents' loss of health and vitality.
Empathize with MIL's feelings about "old age homes". Assure her that they are not how they used to be (hopefully, in her area, this is true). Find the best managed one possible (the lobby doesn't matter--the staff/patient ratio and staffing turnover is what matters.)
A good geriatric psychiatrist can be a great source of guidance for what level of care his mom needs, and if medication might be useful.
Help him out by looking into memory care facilities in the area. (She's beyond assisted living.) Tour two or three of them, get all the information you need, then sit down and let him choose.
This will accomplish a number of positive things --
1. Mom will be properly cared for and socialized, which is vital for dementia patients
2. Hubs doesn't have to stress out about her then project it onto you as he's been doing,
3. You get you life back
Bonus points: You look like the hero, because you saved the day.
I found my mother's memory care place through APlaceforMom.com, and they did a great job of connecting me with the best place in the area. I'd never have found it on my own.
As an aside, did you know that your pre-nup means nothing to Medicaid? If he were to be severely injured and permanently needed care, Medicaid would not kick in until one half of all of your combined liquid assets had been spent on his care. Did you talk to an elder law attorney through the preparation of the pre-nup? Most people don't think of the impacts to their own financial welfare as a result of health issues.
I am sorry you ignored glaring red flags and married him anyway.
Now you need to stand up for yourself and tell him no. No you will not be popping in to check on mom and yes she needs more help then he or you is willing to provide.
Good luck and dont let him guilt you into becoming his mother's caregiver because he is under the ridiculous notion that he has to keep his mother in her home.
This is NOT a viable solution EVEN WHEN MARRIED PARTNERS ARE IN AGREEMENT.
You have NO REASON to feel SELFISH. You are expressing your honest reaction to doing something that you know you CANNOT assume responsibility for.
You do not have to wait to “see how it goes”. Dementia is progressive and untreatable. If your husband has been “highly stressed and irritable” NOW, he is certainly NOT seeing “the big picture”.
FOR YOURSELF, get a legal opinion, if you haven’t already, on potential outcomes for this already untenable situation, then congratulate yourself for your good sense.
I really dislike when people think it's selfish to stand up for themselves.
I really really dislike it when the word selfish gets hurled at someone else as a weapon, to guilt them, to attempt to manipulate.
How about a nice chat with the Mr. To work some things out;
1. What care MIL needs
2. What is reasonable for both of you to do.
Eg: You pop in once a week for a friendly visit. He pops in once a week (as often as he likes as his Mom afterall).
Paid caregivers are arranged for ALL the days supervision or assistance is required.
A common issue is wanting Plan A (age at home) to just keep working. Change is hard right? But dementia is progressive, therefore needs keep increasing - so the care must keep increasing too.
Is 7 days paid care going to be available? Affordable?
Maybe it is time to consider Plan B.
Mr may also want to decide what kind of husband he wants to be. One who respects his wife, her work, free time, retirement plans & works out a reasonable plan - together. Or a bully.
Did he marry you to be a nurse (caregiver for mil) and a purse (you own the house)? What is his financial situation? Does he have assets, or is he depending on an inheritance from his mother?
What if Mama doesn't like and doesn't want caregivers in her house? And even if she accepts them, what happens when he's away hobbying or for work, and the aide doesn't show up or is sick? YOU will be the default caregiver.
This is his mother, his responsibility not yours. Sound like she should be in MC not living alone.
Tell him to take his mother with him when he goes out of town for his hobbies, that will end that idea as well.
Don't do it, you will regret the decision, he has already told you, he would pick his parents over you he couldn't make it any clearer.
Even if he found 24/7 care for her in the home, it will eventually exceed the cost of a good facility. It will also require a lot of oversight of the paid help (hiring, firing, finding subs at the last minute, doing the bookkeeping, etc.)
Also, a good facility will at least give her social exposure and activities. Being in her home will just cloister her. My MIL is on Medicaid in LTC and receives excellent care. At a good facility, he will have peace of mind and you'll have your spouse back.
Then there's the fact that you have you own parents to help at some point. I have 3 elders I manage, my husband has 1 (in a local facility). Right now things are "quiet and balanced" but it won't stay like that for long.
In terms of your husband not really looping you into his plan from the beginning... he obviously made an assumption and/or knew you'd say no so didn't bother to ask (or was being cowardly) and/or is just a poor communicator. This is marriage counseling territory. I wish you all the best as you work through this.
He is grooming you to be her caretaker. It is one thing if he has to travel for work and you jump in a day or two a month. Covering his hobby travel is a hard no. He brought her here without asking you so it is his problem to solve.
Next time he calls you selfish tell him he is manipulative. Or just say Yes I am selfish and I don’t want to do this. What is he going to do? You hold all the cards. If he threatens to pick her ask him if he needs help packing. He is counting on you not calling his bluff.
Unfortunately, when dementia is present there are no easy answers. The person needs to be kept safe and taken care of. That is the only consideration. Even against their wishes, you have to ensure their safety and living alone with people checking in WILL NOT accomplish her safety.
Your husband is actually dancing with elder neglect chargers by not seeing that she isn't okay to live alone. This would be a bigger deal for me, as his spouse, this will directly effect you should something happen to her and he gets arrested for not ensuring her safety. Legal fees for criminal charges are really expensive. Not to mention, mommy will become a ward of the state and he may not even know where she is or how she is doing.
Caregivers are mandated reporters, so this will not end well for him if he doesn't pull his head outta...the sand.
As far as him giving you an ultimatum, well, in my book, you lose as soon as you go there. He has shown you who and what he is, believe him.
Best of luck, this is just a crummy situation for you no matter what happens.
So it might be a good point to make. And wouldn’t your husband feel more guilty if his mom set the house on fire?
Really wish you the best in this situation! Getting the ball rolling in the least bad direction is difficult. Good luck and I hope you get hobby time too!
Ah, NO.
I would be rethinking the marriage. He has already told you, you are not number one.
You, having no experience with dementia, poking your head in to check on his mother, isn't going to accomplish a hill of beans, in reality, b/c mom needs to be placed in Memory Care Assisted Living which is locked down and staffed with caregivers who ARE familiar with dementia and can care for the woman 24/7. Your husband is NEGLIGENT with his behavior and attitude towards his mother, and laying her care & his ignorance of it all at YOUR feet. Sorry/not sorry, but this isn't your problem, my friend. It's his, which he's shirking off in favor of pursuing hobbies and leaving her care in your hands. Ridiculous. And to top it all off, you say "when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me." Now might be a good time to discuss THAT little issue in a bit more detail. If sonny boy is going to pick mother over you, perhaps he should be the one to move in with HER and leave you to your life unfettered by the demands he wants to place on you. You need to come first, as any wife should, b/c you're worth it.
All that said, in response to Barb's request, I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
I suggest your husband read the pamphlet and open his eyes to what is going on with his mother, so she can be placed appropriately, or, so she can get 24/7 caregivers coming into her home to properly care for her. "Poking your head in" on his mother is not going to accomplish the gargantuan task that's required to keep the poor woman safe.
Wishing you the best of luck with the issues you have on your hands. I hope you can get through to DH and not wind up devoting your retirement years to HIS mother.
Talk your husband into putting your MIL into a managed care facility or get live-in caregivers if it's affordable. It sounds to me like her dementia is past the point where an AL can provide the care she needs. She should be in memory care. From what you're saying, she should not even be left alone tonight. Let alone until a permanent decision is made for her.
My advice to you would be to go back to work as soon as you can. Get a job doing anything for now. When there's a woman at home not working... They so often get made the Designated Caregiver to elderly family or become day care center for the family's childcare needs.
Go back to work until your MIL is placed. Then you're good.
Whatever you do, don't let your husband talk you into becoming her caregiver. He very likely will. If he went ahead and moved his parents to town and did not even bother to hear what you think, then he will likely try to move his mother in. Then you (because you're home) become her caregiver against your will and wishes.
You say your MIL has been 'very vocal' about not going into a home. No one wants to go into a facility when they get old. She has dementia and cannot be allowed to call the shots anymore. I was a caregiver for 25 years. I can't even tell you how many families I worked for that were broken up and how many once happy marriages ended in bitter divorce because adult children didn't know when to stop being obedient to their parent with dementia.
Now you let your husband know that you WILL NOT be caregiving for his mother. That if she is at the point where she's leaving the doors open, flooding the kitchen, and can't manage her own food then she is beyond the point where you "sticking your head in" will help or do any good. She needs to either be placed in managed care, or yur husband needs to hire live-in caregivers for her is she can afford it.
Please, for your sake and your husband's don't let let him move her into your house, and do not get talked into becoming her caregiver.
If I knew then what I know now....I would have screamed to the high heavens to have them do ANYTHING but what they did. When they moved in, they needed a roof over their heads in an emergency. It was supposed to be temporary. Very temporary. They have now been there for more than 5 years.
FIL NEVER had a plan for his "golden" years. Well...that's not true. He did. First it was that MIL would care for him. Then it was that DH and SIL would care for him. He never had a plan to take care of himself by moving to somewhere with paid caregivers. Once SIL and BIL moved in - everything that he was doing for himself...he just STOPPED. Within 18 months he went from being mostly independent (we occasionally had to drive the nearly one hour to help him with something) to being COMPLETELY DEPENDENT and nearly bedridden now.
Why did I bring up the 30 years married? Because I was practically a kid when we got married. DH and I both were in our early 20s. For all intents and purposes I "grew up" with FIL in my life. So I'm "invested" I guess is my point.. You've had 4 years of marriage to your husband. You guys are still in the early years of your own marriage and now you are taking on caregiving responsibilities - and without him even discussing it with you? You didn't even get a say in this and he is expecting you to just accept it?
We have learned things about my FIL that didn't come out until we started caregiving. It is HARD and there are days that I would love nothing more than to pack SIL and BIL up and move them to anywhere but there so that we can pack FIL up and move him somewhere that someone else can take care of him 24/7. There are some extenuating circumstances but sufficed to say - he demands much more than is necessary of his caregivers and if you give an inch he will take that mile and more.
I say all of that to say this - you are not selfish. You find yourself in an uncomfortable position. But your husband put you there and didn't even talk to you first. He loves his parents. I get that. He has also expressed to you that if you don't play along he will pick them over you....I'm sorry but that's some bullying right there. He chose to marry you. He CHOSE YOU. If he had these feelings he should have expressed them BEFORE he married you. Because his vow to you was in sickness and in health - what happens if you get sick and you need him - is he going to leave you to take care of his parents. His first duty is to you and your marriage. That doesn't mean he can't take care of his parents - but it means he has a duty to you first - which includes considering you in his choices.
I hate to say it this way - but as others have mentioned - just a quick stop....that may be the first couple of times. But then something will need to be attended to. And then she will have a laundry list of things completed. And then before you know it even when the caregivers are there you are getting phone calls everyday. And then they don't like the caregivers and they are sending them home. And you phone is ringing off the hook needing help. And he's out of town and calling you to help because the new caregiver didn't show up.
You are still working. Does your new job offer THAT much flexibility? He hasn't considered you at all in this? He thinks it is so easy for you to just "run by" but that's not the reality. Even he doesn't understand that yet. He has NO idea what he's getting him and you into. The more he commits to the MORE he will be committing to - until you will be fully committed. And back here asking if you should quit your job and take care of his parents full time because you can't keep caregivers - or worse - if you should move them into your home because keeping two houses is too much work
Can I recommend that you guys see a certified elder law attorney.
This facility should be paid for with MILs funds. Then, if, she spends everything, she will need public assistance. Your husband should not be paying for her care, nor should he sign as responsible person.
Because, I am pretty sure a prenup only covers debt and assets acquired before the document was signed. You don't want to get blindsided by a huge debt for his mother's care.
It might be OK to push the caregivers to be daily and for you NOT to be a regular caregiver.
I'd tell hubby you want to enjoy your retirement, etc. You don't want to be a caregiver. And make sure she is paying all the bills, not you and hubby.
If this is something that you would want to do tell him you want to get paid just as any other caregiver.
Establish the hours you want to work and the other caregivers can be scheduled around that.
If he is not willing to pay you just as any other caregiver tell him that you are going to keep your other job.
You are not being selfish.
Caregiving is a LOT of work and a LOT of time.
Strongly encourage him to look for Memory Care facilities and place mom.
He and you will be more relaxed as mom will have people caring for her 24/7/365.
Since most MC facilities have been built for that they are usually safer than a home. No stairs, wide halls, wide doors, walk in showers and usually they are locked so that a person can not wander out as she could do at home.
Mom will have activities and people around her to help keep her engaged and active. She will probably be more active in Memory Care than she would at home with a single caregiver.
Once a facility is found, try to set up her room similar to the bedroom she had at her home. It worked quite well for my Dad, this if he woke in the middle of the night, he saw his furniture placed the same way he had at home, plus the bedspread he was use to, thus he wasn't scared.
And just think, your Mom-in-law will be around people of her generation. And that in itself is so very important. My Dad was so much happier than being at home with around the clock caregivers.
Lady, I'd pack his case and tell him bye!
He married you not his mother!
My mother stayed with my husband and I for 9 years. The latter years we had no life. My husband worked full time and I was her carer full time. This year she went into a nursing home, it was way over due and I was burnt out. I tell everyone my husband put up with a lot going to work, coming home and allowing me an hours break and on his days off taking over for me. We couldn't go anywhere and had no help. My husband married me not my mother and if he had said he couldn't deal with the situation any longer I would have respected that. I'm still suffering emotionally and physically after being a carer. My advice to you is don't do it. Your husband owes it to you to keep you as stress free as possible and he isn't doing that. You say you're 50, I'm 53 and just reclaiming my life back. We were told that by healthcare professionals when my mother went into care this year, "Go and claim your life back"
I wish you all the best, but put yourself first, that's not being selfish it's a necessity.