Should I step in and help with the care of my mother-in-law with advanced dementia or encourage assisted living or long term care?

I’m would leave your husband. It sounds like he just wants somebody to take care of his body. A husband should never say he would choose his parent over his wife. He shouldn’t have any hobbies if he has to put the work on you. I’m sorry to say but he sounds like a horrible man.

Your MIL has two basic options, in-home caregivers or assisted living. She should not be alone at this point. She is starting to do things that are dangerous to herself and possibly others. If she's a wanderer, she can leave the house and get lost; and watch for her leaving the stove on or doing inappropriate things with the microwave. She needs 24/7 care. You can consult with a local social worker or senior care advisor to discuss her options. Much will depend on her finances. The advantage of an assisted living/memory care facility is professional staff who know how to handle clients with various stages of dementia, and her mental and physical condition is likely to decline as she ages. They will take care of her meals, bathing, activities, housekeeping. You may still have to take her to doctor appointments, or you can hire a caregiver to do it. You will have to help her downsize to move into a small apartment. Only pack essentials (clothing that she wears, basic furniture, just a few things for the kitchen, just a few personal mementos...) Clothing should be able to take laundry services that use hot water and hot dryer and only things that are easy to get on and off. With your responsibilities, being a caregiver for someone with advancing dementia may be too much. If your husband decides to go the path of in-home caregivers, someone will have to oversee their work. Lock up her valuables and personal papers, especially financial statements, or better still, take over her financial matters and have all bills and statements sent to your address (or better still, set up her accounts online and paperless). Also lock up sharp knives and scissors. All the best to you and your family, and I hope you can pursuade your husband to move her to a memory care facility.

Demented victims require memory care and should not involve you. Please do not get trapped into this type of care.

Reminds me of the children’s book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Please, don’t do this to yourself, it will open a demanding, all-consuming floodgate for YOU. I had to reread “…travel for his hobby…” assuming MIL’s intense needs will become your daily burden, not to mention you’re bracing for a real fight. I’m so sorry this has been imposed on you, right when you’re looking forward to enjoying retirement. This will be hard but please, fight for yourself and refuse this load. MIL’s needs require professionals in a professional environment to keep her safe and functioning to her potential. Perhaps a private conversation with MIL’s MD may help hubby see reason. (I know MD cannot reveal but you can fill in the blanks relevant information about increased physical risks at home and the unrealistic expectations of doing this on your own). I wish you the best and hope this resolves in your favor. Hugs.

Take some time with this. Decide what types of care and time you ARE willing to commit to your mother-in-law. Also talk with your husband about how safe is his mom on her own - can she dial 9ll, will she accidentally start a fire by "cooking," is she having any balance problems or able to get up off the floor if she falls...? If answers to questions like this show she needs more "help", consider adult day care services (Mon-Fri during business hours) in a facility and hiring help for morning/evening.

It is negligent on his part to leave her in that home alone. She should have someone there all the time or she she should be placed. Your husband is going to have to deal with this whether you are still in the picture or not. He is going to try to make it seem like it's your fault his mom has no care, but it's not. He is in denial if he thinks "you sticking your head in" to check on her is enough. When you do stick you head in and it's a shit show....then what? From what you have said, he wants his life uninterrupted so that he can continue to go out of town and enjoy his hobbies. He needs to place his mom before he can do that... She is not safe.

Were you able to retire so young because of your marriage to him? If so, he probably feels you owe him. I personally would go back to work full time before I would commit to taking care of his mother. Caregiving is hard and you will be exhausted and resentful. Don't do it. Tell him as his wife, you will help him place her and help him sell her house. Tell him you are not asking him to choose between him and his mom, you are asking him to make wise safe decisions for her and you are willing to support him while he does that.

I would NOT "suck it up and see how it goes;" the demands on you will be greater and greater.
It's time to have hired Care Takers much more of the time, maybe 24/7, or placement in a facility.

WHOA.... LOTS OF RED FLAGS HERE.
You say / husband said : "when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me.)".

THIS SAYS IT ALL.

* That he responded / feels this way about you and you talk about "I feel extremely selfish..." is a set up you are potentially allowing to happen to you (as) you are allowing yourself to be a doormat. HE'S SOMEWHAT transparent in his feelings and 'requirements' of how you need to be in his life (i.e., being there for his mother, at the least) - you've been warned.

* You know where you stand (in his life)

* He wants to prioritize his 'hobbies' (really???) over you / and his mother's needs. What does this tell you?

* IF you decide to agree, I'd make it perfectly clear: You will check in on her twice week when he's gone IF YOU CAN and if you have other plans (it will be up to him) at his expense, to arrange for another caregiver to come in. . . potentially interrupting his travel hobbies.

* Ask yourself: Do I want to get myself stuck into this arrangement ... and especially by agreeing with it?

Due to you indicating you "feel extremely selfish ... " I encourage you to RUN not WALK to the nearest therapist to sort out your own needs, self-esteem issues, etc. Four years is not a long time to be married; I would bet money on it that he has 'ruled the roost' with you in other situations, perhaps realizing (and perhaps not) that you 'cave in' due to low / fragile / under-developed self-esteem. If you do not feel worthy in yourself, another person will not respect you and feel it 'for you' - they will take advantage of it, seeing it as a weakness in you.

* At all costs: stand your ground; keep your job or free time - do whatever you want to do.

If you behave out of a fear of him leaving you, this is not a solid marriage to begin with. Do you realize this? It is a huge imbalance of personal power. Do not confuse romantic feelings of 'love' with what real love is, ie., respect, a real partnership without that 'I'd leave you" carrot on the stick he's waving in front of you.

Sure, advocate for MIL's well being. Do not put yourself in a position to take on ongoing responsibilities, esp since he said he'd choose her / his mother over you ... and he wants to enjoy his travel hobbies (I hate to think what I think those might be). From what I read, he doesn't respect nor love you. Hard to say and perhaps hard for you to read. Get into therapy and do not make any commitments to care for his mother until you do. YOU MUST learn to / how to take care of yourself.

As you say "jeopardize our marriage" - sounds to me that would be the best that could happen. Free yourself of this man. He doesn't love you. He is the selfish one (perhaps a narcissist personality type ? ) - and you are (potentially) allowing him to use / take advantage of you because of your fears (losing him ???) feeling guilty ??? whatever the case. This won't turn out good for you. You MUST stand up for your self - and enjoy your retirement.

Gena
Touch Matters

He is open to caregiving let him get a caregiver - not you. You're working and you have your things to do. Once you say yes then you will get the - well you do it already - lecture. Obviously, mom is very important and more than you since he has already told you he would pick his parents over you! YIKES!

I wish spouses would think before they speak.

Saying he'd choose his parents over you does irreparable damage to a marriage regardless of how this turned out.

I would encourage assisted living - I think it’s a lot that your husband is expecting you to do - That is his job not yours .

Make an anonymous call to 911, tell them you're a neighbor and very concerned about the woman living alone in that house. Ask for a welfare check as it appears to be a dangerous situation; dementia changes everything when the person is left alone to cook, go outside and risk getting lost or run over.

Oh, what a good neighbor you are! Her son needs to understand that abandonment is elder abuse and he might be at risk for jail time. It's really elder neglect and criminal. Tell him that you plan to remodel the house while he's in jail....................a marriage counselor may be needed at this point.

In same boat with MIL who needs more help than we can provide agreed to AL on two separate occasion but dug her heels in and refused when time came.We have a part time sitter for her and my husband brings and had lunch with her in his day off and half days, he does her grocery shopping but she had pretty much stopped cooking . Her moving in with us is not an option ....we both work and she would be too co fused here.Having cared for my own mother and other family members I am not willing to take on his mother or give up my retirement job to do it. Your MIL now needs more help than either of you can give her just stopping by and if your husband says he’d chose her over you I’d pack a bag for him and send him to moms

He asked if you can check on her for 2 days if he's out of town. It's not clear how often he goes out of town. I see flags on both sides. Can he not get hobbies closer? Idk I really couldn't imagine my husband regularly going out of town for days at a time for "hobbies". In of tself, I see nothing wrong with checking on MIL twice a week. That just doesn't seem like a lot to ask as a temporary arrangement until she can be placed in ALF. The flag I see with you is why do you feel that's an arduous task? He's not asking to move his mom in. You never know if you will need help with your family in the future. I feel like helping your spouse is a part of marriage. So I do see some selfishness on your part. But again it's questionable why he's leaving for entire weekends how often does that happen? Because honoring his request temporarily is one thing but if he's trying to dodge responsibility then that is an entirely different story.

Do not do this. Just don’t.
I have been caregiver for my Dad (97) and my Mom (90 with ALZ) for 5 years. I love them beyond measure but this has affected my business , my relationship with my siblings and my marriage all in a negative way.
This is not for the faint of heart and you have no history with this lady.
It will take you down and your marriage to boot.

Almost50: How unacceptable that your husband wants you to "stick your head in" to check on HIS mother, who by the way, should NEVER be alone, while he goes out and pursues hobbies! That's rich to say the least! He gets to have a life, but you don't?! If the lady "flooded the kitchen," what's not to say that she couldn't start a fire in the kitchen by leaving a pot on the stove? Someone suffering from dementia can also wander at odd hours of the night. For these reasons, she requires placement in a managed care facility.