Should I pay for 1/2 of my mother's care if she gave all of her assets to my sister for this purpose? Approximately 550k.

Your mother gave an enormous sum of money to your sister and now the sister wants YOU to pay half of her care. Absolutely NO, NO, NO. Your sister got an enormous amount. Your mother needs care and should be placed. I don't know what will happen because of the laws concerning medicaid but YOU are not legally obligated to pay anything. Now it is upper sister's problem. Get yourself a good a attorney who can help you but do NOT pay anything.

Thanks mstrbill, I understand being at peace for her mothers sake, but sometimes you have to nip it in the bud to get your point across and not being taken advantage of. Sometimes people don't want peace, they like to start a raging fire and expect us to put it out.

1. Run to an elder attorney and SUE YOUR SISTER.

2. Do not care what your sister’s emotional reactions are- you just carry out all paper work your attorney tells you to.

3. The kind, caring daughter - naive about law- who didn’t set up any legal papers get screwed - always.

4. Your sis saw greed first. She could care less about Mom.

5 a fall doesn’t constitute being placed in Assisted. mom can recover. Assisted living is NOT FREE. it’s expensive. For now, tell everyone to forget about Assisted until law suit is finished. With Corona. It will take 2 yrs to step inside a courtroom. One must NEVER THROW AWAY MOM under ONE circumstantial incident Only a wimp would give in.
Assisted is living hell. Everyone there is like a zombie who broke after their kids threw them away. No matter how poor, how inconvenient, one must never throw away their Mom. This Falling stage / last stages doesn’t last forever.

5B. Take your Mom into your home. This is the woman who sacrificed all her life for you. Mom Absolutely deserves a few last years of comfort & care from the right daughter who cares.
So what if Mom got had with your Sister’s greedy scheme. Look how Sis is demanding now. Those are her true colors.


6. Loser pays all attorney costs. If your sister is guilty of breaching elder care #1 rule- to do what is in BEST INTEREST OF MOM - even against herself - as in Mom May not have known what was best for herself- your Sis will lose.

7. If Sis has assets, you can sue her for damages ( add more money for yourself) & add Your Past unpaid wages as Mom’s official caregiver for past 20 years.

8. If Mom doesn’t have dementia, take her to AAA. Get durable POA notarized there. Always do this outside of your sisters home. Without DPOA, you can’t fight your Sis. Download free DPOA template and fill it in. Take Mom for a fake ‘something’ outing and go to elder lawyers office to sign a petition to sue. Or AAA to get your prepped DPOA notarized. Even with Light dementia- Mom can still sign legal docs.

9. Don’t be so naive about elder law and your Mom’s money. Mom needed someone like you to protect her until death. This is what Mom’s last assets were for. To be used WISELY. Mom chose the wrong daughter. This happens all the time. Moms should choose the caring daughter over the rich daughter. Elder attorneys see these type of cases all the time. Too many times. Your kind of scenario is nothing that would surprise the attorney.

Simple answer is no unless you owe her money.

well how was this money given to your sister? by check?  you do NOT have any obligation to pay for anything of your mothers care.  The money your sister was given was for your MOTHERs care, not your sisters life style changes.  Let your sister know that you have no obligation to pay for anything and suggest that maybe mother can now go into a NH and apply for Medicaid.  But I hope your sister will be ready when they check to see how much money your mother had, gave it to your sister and she squandered on other stuff......she might have to find a way to give it back.  Contact an Elder attorney to see where you stand and also to let your sister know what to expect now since you are NOT going to help.  wishing you luck.

California is usually tough on these kinds of situations. Interesting enough, contact your local Ombudsman office too. Check online as they usually have (each city/county varies) a division that assists people for these types of situations.
Also, if you can look over the Trust and see who is POA. If you are on that trust you do have a right to see it. You can contact a law firm in elder law for a 30 min free consultation. Many California cities/counties do have specific run divisions for elder and older adult care and advice. Some are called “Area on Aging”. Look them up as well.
DO NOT BACK DOWN! You need to get ahead of this. I know you love your mom and want the best for her BUT your sister seems to have used your mom for her money and now when there is no more she’s throwing her on you. Make the agencies that are provided for you do the dirty work and you get the ball rolling. Your mom will get the care she needs and hopefully the money will be provided as it was supposed to be... from the money your sister used for her own gain... which California courts will take back from her in a heartbeat!

Assisted living is for people who can afford to be there and pay as they go. Medicaid beds are for people who have no money and there is a 5 year look back period to determine if the patient gave away any assets. If your mom has no money left, she probably needs to apply for a Medicaid bed and it will be determined how long the penalty period is. Let's say they determine she gave away $50K and a nursing home bed costs $1K per mo (yes, I know that's not an accurate amount), then the penalty period would be 50 months where bed would have to be paid for before the state pays the bed fee for mom. Guess it might be time for the condo where grandson lives to be sold to pay for mom's care.

Not sure what state you're in, but you might want to consult an elder attorney to explain situation and find out if you would be liable for mom's care.

I have been through something very similar. I would WRITE to her the details of what your understanding is of why your mother allowed her to have the proceeds of the house. That the proceeds of the house plus your mother's IRA were to be used for her lifetime care. Consequently, you cannot paid for half her care unless she can show she has used all that money for your mother's care already.

As far as your mother being the intermediary in this discussion. Tell her the same thing, the IRA was for her welfare use. She CHOSE to spend the money on her grandson. So you cannot now, be part of any additional funding for her care. You have already supported her for 20 years, now it's her other daughter's turn.

You are not responsible for poor financial choices made by your mother. Unless you get tough, as sad as it is, you are going to be in a big financial hole yourself when it is time for you to retire and or needing long term care.

Long term care is very expensive, and will be even more expensive. Do not make the mistakes your mother made by giving away your money that you are going to need for your own long term care down the road.

If you have not already, please sit down with a financial adviser to figure out how much you will need for long term care should you have a chronic illness like Parkinson's Disease, Alzheimer's, etc.

Are there any signed documents by your mother regarding the funds to your sisters possession, any writ if use for those funds? How do you know they were for your mom’s care? By word? Is your mom competent understand this? If it is as you say, your sister has commuted serious elder abuse and you should notify the proper authorities.

I would turn the tables and ask your sister to pay you for half the support you provided your mom for last twenty years.

As I understand it your Mom sold her house and moved in with your sister. Your Mom chose to spend some of her monies for her son and grandson. Now, your Mom needs additional assistance and she wants to move to ALF, or your sister wants her to move to the ALF. It is unclear what is your Mom’s current financial condition. Whatever your Mom spent in the past, is the past. How can she afford to live now in a ALF is a question. I would find out and decide if you want to help afterwards. Do not argue with your sister just examine your Mom’s income and assets as two responsible adults.

isthisrealyreal and to all who misread my reply, In regards to the remark made by mstrbill about keeping peace in the family, I was disagreeing with the poster, but trying to be tactful. I thought it was clear by my entire post. I certainly do not think sister should be a doormat and I did not write to keep peace in the family. IT WAS ANOTHER POSTER!

Deffiently Not!!!
Tell your mom to tell your sister that it is up to your sister to work it out. Either let your mom continue living in her home or sell the Condo that was purchased using your moms money from the sale of her home and or tell the son to start paying rent and that rent can go towards a place for your mom, along with your mom using her Social Security.

Of course you should not. Your last sentence says it all. In fact you were under no obligation to support your mom for the last 20 years.

I am guessing this is addressed in comments which I have not read, but when your mom gave your sister the 500K, were there not any legal documents associated with this? She cannot just give a daughter 500K without tax consequences.

anonymous, I read it alright, loud and clear. There should be a red alert on the sister. I find it hard to believe the condo cost 550K, I think sister is hiding money for herself and son. It can be easily checked out by an elder attorney.

It is no longer your responsibility and should wash your hands with the sister and her games. Do this without feeling guilty because this is exactly what the sibling will be trying to make it seem your fault! Don't do it, been there in a very similar situation. WALK AWAY

Good God, no. Your sister stole your mother's assets and now has the cojones to demand that you pay up? After helping for decades out of the kindness of your heart, an organ she appears not to possess... You need to turn her in.

I agree with others who suggest consulting with Elder Care atty and standing your ground saying no to financial help. There are many details not included here, but if you know what they are, and those details would help during the atty consult. It seems rather sketchy that mom's assets were used to buy a condo for the grandson and other assets used to pay off his debts. If the house sale paid for the condo, and it isn't in mom's name, there are potentially some serious IRS issues - that exceeds the annual "gifting" allowed.

To protect yourself, you might consider putting any liquid assets into a trust for yourself. It would prevent you from losing assets, if worst case happens, that you might need for your own care in the future.

Seems like there should be a legal aspect to selling your mom's house and buying a grandson a condo. Who has POA? I'd check with an attorney. Sorry for your mom.

No!

Can you afford to spend money to place your mom in assisted living?
are you a financial POA or medical POA?
how do you feel about your sister making demands for you to help financially after having spent your Moms money. Hopefully your sister is the financial POA! If so, let her rant & rave but if she’s all that concerned then she’ll do the work of applying for Medicaid or assistance. Guaranteed it’s going to be messy due to all the assets!
geez I read this & got angry, How can you not be!
i say HELL NO do NOT spend one single cent! Yes it’s for the greater good of your Mom but it doesn’t sound like your Mom covered her bases all that well.

Unbelievable!! Your mother trusted your sister with her finances and this is what she gets in return. I would contact an elder attorney asap and get this mess straightened out immediately. Don't worry about sisters feelings, she is not honest and so sad to see what she is doing to your mother. Do not pay one red cent toward the care of your dear mother. You need to take over her money before she takes it all and your mother is left with nothing for her care. Good luck.

Do not give your sister any money. She does not seem reliable in this matter. I would also suggest that you make an appointment with an elder care attorney. He or she can advise you in how to handle this financial matter legally. In an ideal world, you should tell your sister to sell the condo and use the money to pay for mom's care. In an ideal world, you should not pay anything for mom's care since there are adequate funds.

I’m having the opposite problem. I gave up my post-retirement job to move in with my parents and they aren’t willing to pay me a dime, despite my losses. (it was a “dream” job... I was a principal of a small school overseas! It was a paid position that included health insurance for both countries; an apartment; and transportation...I had hoped to work until 65 before collecting SS).

However, they HAVE saved money for their care (and/or to leave for their children/grandchildren.). They don’t want to spend it!! I had arranged for them to have help come in 3x/week. As soon as I left, my father changed it to once every 2 weeks!! They have also turned down the opportunities to move to assisted living because of the cost.

I foolishly made decisions to return back to the states and live with them... based on guilt and emotions and lots of misinformation and opinions of others.

At the advice of others on this site, I have contacted a lawyer specializing in elder issues.

After coming back and realizing that 24/7 care is NOT needed...I have spent a year of part time employment and now facing the next year of no employment, I need to take the steps I should have done long ago!!

Hope you are able to get the legal help you need.

I would not give anything. Your mom already provided monies to your sister. For this purpose. She’ll have to suck it up.

No
Money should be paid back to your mom's accounts for any money that was used that was not directly for her. (condo and anyone else's debts) And the condo and paying off another's debt will greatly impact application for Medicaid.
I would consult an Elder Care Attorney, you should follow up with possible Elder Financial Abuse or Exploitation.

Talk to attorney referred by someone you trust and ask is this a case of financial exploitation and if it is maybe she will have to pay mother back. Apply for Medicaid if necessary.

Absolutely not, your mother had monies planned for her future care. After the sale of mom's house you and sister should have had both names on a bank account for mom's care. Grandson needs to pay Grandma back too. They need to figure it out and consult an elder care attorney. May be difficult to sort out if nothing is on writing.

No. Money and property was provided for that purpose and that’s how it should be used. You save for retirement. Inheritance comes after death. You shouldn’t be used, even if you have the means. Otherwise, technically, your supporting mother, sister and nephew. Someone needs to set the record straight. Unless of course you are in a financial position where you can and want to. But, protect you assets.

If your mother still owns the condo, it can be sold, rented out or, potentially, have a reverse mortgage on it to provide for the care of your mother. Your profile indicates that she’s 94 so depending upon the value and equity of the condo, it might cover her costs for the remainder of her life. Start there.

Who has POA? In any case it is worth consulting with an elder attorney.