Should I move my aging but still independent parents in with me for childcare?

I have friends whose parents live/lived with them when the kiddos were young they provided free childcare while they were establishing their businesses.
Everything was good until everyone got older. The kids didn't need a babysitter anymore and the parents wanted their house back. The grandparents
weren't needed anymore but are/were ever present or they have healthcare needs that need assistance or cannot afford to buy or rent even the smallest place due to high real estate prices. Now no one gets along and everyone points fingers at each others "selfishness". Really think this through because it will probably be for the next 30 years.

While your heart is in the right place this may be a not-so-great decision. Possible baby on the way, others living in your house spells disaster.
Thinking dad being in my house would be fine, he has his own car, etc..... disaster. There was a reason I moved out at 21 and got married. Now we had one and a half years of an empty nest, now we are full again, Having a daughter and drunk SIL move in on top of that was a nightmare.
Things change quickly, if your father annoys you on weekends it will be 1000% worse day to day. The great thing about sitters is they go home and give you space. Soon someone else will be calling the shots in your home.
It's good you gave this some thought. Wait until they are in need. Sounds like at some time soon you will be the sitter.

You don’t have parents move in for childcare. Your parents could be living with you for the next 20 or 30 years and it sounds like it won’t be long before your father has to be taken care of. I would suggest that you don’t have a 2nd baby if you can’t afford someone else to babysit.

***UPDATE***

I will not be moving my parents in with me. My husband and I are going to help them get a nicer place near their current rental home so we have room to visit with the grandkids, but they also have their own space (something they, too, want). I will arrange for local childcare when it becomes necessary, likely as soon as we have 2 kids (COVID is a big part of why we haven't already looked into this).

Thank you all for your help with this! I am only in my 30s and obviously not very familiar with aging care issues. I really appreciate the feedback <3

I don't know about you, but I think your mother is nuts even to consider this. Very loving - she must adore her grandbaby and be a great champion for you - but nuts.

Childcare is difficult to arrange and expensive, and you have my unlimited sympathy about that. But your mother can't afford to make you and your young family the heart and soul of her entire universe. The shoe will be on the other foot before long, and it will not be possible for you to reciprocate and provide her and your father with free care and/or unstinting support - willing or not, grateful or not, it won't be *possible.*

What are everybody's Plans B?

No. Take care of your own family first.

I have been on both sides of this. My mother lived with me until she was 95. She was very important to my three daughters. They benefited from having her in their lives and so did I. Could you find a place in town for your parents to cut the commute? Could you have a separate setup in your new home? One friend had her parents set up with an addition to her home. Because of this setup everyone benefited. Child care was provided by grandparents who loved their grand children which is better than any other option. You would have more employment options especially if you have two kids. I work in a school and I have witnessed what happens when parents have other childcare options. The kids benefit more from having grandparents especially when the kids are little. Daycare is a hit or miss situation. Kids do not thrive in daycare and there are a lot of sad kids whose parents do not have the option of grandparents.
Think it over before you send you kid off to daycare.

I guess you can see the popular opinion, but there is a lot of truth in it all. Your parents health will decline at some point and your issue will no longer just be childcare.

If there's a reasonable option to move them closer, pursue that. It's their decision ultimately.

Best wishes.

Happy to hear you will not be moving them in with you. I don't see where anyone talked about moving them out of the senior community they currently live.

You have said that mom doesn't like it. Sound like dad doesn't care. I would not help them move in any way. If either of them do not like the new living arrangements it will be your fault. This is solely their responsibility not yours on where they will live. Why did they choose this community to begin with?

Worried about the cost of child care when you have #2? Your children are only this young once with so many firsts. I would not hesitate to quit my job and concentrate on raising my children.

Good luck.

No there your children you take care of them, if you can't take care of what you have you should not have more, and put that on your parents they need to have lifes too there not obligated to care for your kids

No! That not helpin them, it’s trying to mediate a childcare situation for you. Your parents consists of 2 people who BOTH must want and agree to your ideas.

NO - not unless you want to end up with four children as your "offspring" become teenagers.

MKW1987: Imho, you should definitely NOT move your parents in with you because, of course, they will age and you may then be a caregiver to them in your own home as well as being parents to your one (and possibly two) children.

If your using your mom for childcare she can't be a true Grandma. Your parents also cannot enjoy their retirement & go & do things because she has to babysit. If a person wants to have children then stay at home or work full time & pay for childcare. It's one thing to use grandparents to babysit occasionally when it's an emergency but not all the time. I want to enjoy my Grandkids not raise them & discipline them all the time, rather spoil them & send them home having special memories being with Grandma. I worked full time paid for
childcare for 34 years sure it's rough at times but very much doable. Plus I want to do things with friends & travel enjoying retirement & not be tied down because I must babysit. Parents are getting older they must think what's best for them & future, they will need care & sounds like that's not for you. Dont move them in for your benefit.

This is fine if you get along quite well. The questions you should ask is are you prepared to want them in your home to take care of them all the time and also can you devote the time they need for you to be there with them. It's fine if you want to move them in with you but just remember that if they start showing signs of dementia that it might drive you crazy. something to think about. You might not like the loss of privacy in your home and you might have to keep down the noise if you don't mind that.

Dear MKW. You certainly did get your answer from this forum!!!

Way to go, forum!

I wouldn't have wanted my parents underfoot 24/7 at any point in my life, not that I didn't love them very much. But if your dad gets on your nerves on just a weekend visit; just think about living together 24/7.

Instead of all sharing the same space; what about buying a home with an in-law apartment. That way both families have their own space - or buy a place with enough room for their trailer or a small separate home on property.

As your children become less dependent on child-care and your parents age and start needing assistance then your parents would be close at hand to have their needs met by you and hubby.

I have a better idea ... since money isn't an issue -- stop working and stay home and take care of your own kid(s). Your parents have raised their child(ren) and it seems spoiled the daughter a bit too much. You want your parents only to use them when you need them -- but dad better lose weight, start moving like he did when he was younger and hush. What are you going to do as your parents age and are no longer serve your wants? What are you going to do when they need your help? I think we know. So I think you'd be far better off quitting your job, staying home and raising your own kid(s). You an afford to hire a sitter on weekends when you again want to be unburdened with the responsibilities of raising your kids. Mom needs to stay home and take care of dad -- and enjoy their retirement years. And they need to plan for when they need help themselves. They obviously can't count on you.

Hire a live in nanny since “money’s not a concern.”
If you end up hating your parents around all the time, how will you then ask them to leave?
The nanny can be fired and changed to your liking with no “bad vibes,” connected.

NO!! Maintain you privacy and space. Wait until you move and have separate living quarters. Maybe your mother likes the current arrangement so she can get away for a couple of nights.

This may sound a little harsh, however this post sounds just a tad on the selfish side to me. You have day care by mom who travels from 60 miles away so you can work part time from home. Dad, who appears to be labeled as more a potential irritant, stays home. You are getting all your needs met.

You consider moving them in with you to continue to benefit from the child care arrangement. Then turn around and say you are afraid of becoming 'unexpected' caregiver if their health fails. Failing health for seniors should never be on the list of 'unexpected' happenings. All in all, this would be a cozy arrangement for you as long as mom can take care of current kid and one in the planning stage IF dad could be a little more sedate in his ways. Dad is smart to want to stay where he is so he can continue to enjoy being around people who enjoy being around him. His personality and voice level is not going to change if he moves to your house. And, it doesn't sound like you are prepared for any benefit of care to be extended to mom if she can no longer be the babysitter.

I don't think this would be a win for the parents in any sense of the word. You move them both to get day care from mom, dad misses his friends and irritates you. Good health is promised to no one. Should one or both of them suddenly need care, it doesn't sound like you are going to step up to that plate. If you are only working PT and finances are not an issue, why not be a FT mom to current kid and the one being planned - then invite mom to come for real visits, not to work. And be able to go visit them for a few days at a time, too.

The only other plan I can think of IF both are interested: Get a property that has a separate living quarters for parents. Mom close by to help you out, if that is her desire. Dad can't irritate you. Don't charge them any rent or utilities or food. When the day comes they need caregiving service, let all of their own income be tossed toward the cost of home health. You're going to have to be willing to help them when they need help if you plan to depend on mom to help you now.

Maybe you should re-read your post to completely understand how my answer came to be what it is.

I do NOT have experience with it, but I can tell you what I am thinking about it, and maybe it will help or maybe not. But. at least you'll have an opinion. If you DO want them to live with you and they DO want to, and you are willing to get a bigger house, I suggest getting a house with a "grandmother's" separate bungalow with it. They do have those. Or, if the yard is big enough, you can have a "bungalow" built for them where they can live separately from you. Your husband can talk to your dad and find out how he can contact your dad's friends to have a "men's night" out where they can brainstorm how they would keep in touch with each other. If they live in the same house under the same roof you WILL be like cats and dogs fighting with your dad. If your mom is willing to SEPARATE FROM your dad that would be best for YOU. So, SEPARATE living places is best. You mentioned as they get older. Well, having them near you would be best for THEM. Yes, it will be hard on you, but you will still have that burden with or without them living with you. This is a fact of life. In Asian and in many Mexican families, it is NORMAL for the elderly to live with their grown children. I don't know how they handle the emotional part, but they do and it is common. By then, you also can get referrals to place for them, like "independent" or "assisted" living places. Keep in touch with a social worker in your area (some governments have them and some hospitals have them) for advice. They do this for a living.

Not in the same living space. Private access attached quarters; guest house on property; house next door are all good choices. I’m a 74 ear old grandpa with a daughter and her family next door. Great for both of us. I watch the two grandkids (3 and 7) when needed. They help me in-kind. Works great for all of us,

Before making the "big move," see if there is a "better move" for your parents. Research all the senior living options near you or where you want to move. It would be easier for a "loud dad" to not get on your nerves AND to have activities he enjoys with people he prefers to socialize with, A "closer home" would allow your mom to help out and be able to go home to rest after her work. The drive would be easier too. The other issue is you don't have to buy a much bigger place and figure out what to do with "Grandma's and Grandpa's rooms" when they do pass (may it be a very long time from now).

It is great to think you will have caretakers for the children. However, your parents are getting older and this will not work out as well as you think or hope. They will have medical needs and possible mental issues that will be added onto your responsibilities. DO NOT BRING THEM INTO YOUR HOME - bad move. Get a different babysitter who can handle kids. Look into appropriate living situations for them, maybe with a caretaker. If you take them in, heaven help you down the road - if not right now.

If combining resources allows you to jointly purchase a home with an "in law" apartment, that sometimes is a great solution. The apartment area needs to have a separate entrance/exit, and an internal door that can be locked. Each family unit has their own living space, but can visit easily. As time passes and your parents need more support, another move is not needed. Soundproofing the common wall can be a good idea. You would have to find out local resources/zoning rules, but I have seen this work really well.

I didn’t read through all of the answers but I do see that you decided not to move your parents in with you, probably a very good move. As I’m sure you have decided it’s goi g to be better in the future if you have your family life and childcare set up and able to run independent of your parents. That’s not to say your mom cant still be an intragal part of your children’s lives and caregiving for as long as that works but there should be a seamless transition available to doing it without her when that’s needed.

Child care aside it sounds like the perfect time and important now to plan for and set up the future for your parents needs. You don’t mention siblings or the other dynamics about where your parents are living other than to say your dad has family and friends around but your mother is less connected. Having close connections around is of course important, for both of them so it’s something to really consider but who the organizing and caregiving responsibilities or help is going to fall on is also important. So if that’s you and only you there will come a time when having them 60 miles away will present a bigger problem, especially with a young family. Perhaps either moving them to your area or at least closer so they are somewhere in the middle if other family will travel is a good thing to consider or if there is close family who will pick up some of the hands on needs maybe that changes things. If they move closer to you keep them in separate housing don’t move them in with you. First you don’t want to strain your relationship with Dad by forcing yourself to live with someone who you know wears on you and just as importantly it will be far less disruptive to your family life if they are in their own home as they need skilled help, best case they move now into a “retirement” situation that also offer assisted living and skilled nursing if and when the time comes, a step up situation if it’s doable. This could be either in your area or theirs depending on what is best for them and you. Tough with each of them having differing needs to make them happy right now but don’t avoid it. Oh of course also make sure legal ducks are in order POA/DPOA directives that sort of thing. Easier for them to adjust to a move now than later and for all if you become familiar with medical and financial matters now while they still have control and can share with you on their own rather than having to “take over” later.

good luck!

One side issue of this, which may be useful to others considering a move like this: Not all cities or towns have zoning laws that permit 'in-law' living quarters. Regardless of your ultimate decision on this, you sure don't want to find that out after you've made a major renovation commitment to your home, regardless of whether or not you are able to write a big check to pay the contractor in cash, or have to take out a second mortgage or home equity loan/line of credit. This risk is on top of the social/family risk involved in such a decision.

No on so many levels. You need privacy and so do your parents. Maybe if they lived closer in their own dwelling. You already have one ambivalent parent. That tells me right away it will stress your parents marriage, would you want that? I raised three children and my Mother and Sister helped when there were out of town trips, also had resources within my church family for childcare support. I suggest you expand your resource community. Find folks you trust to card for your children. Include your parents but don’t over burden. Maybe you should drive the little one to have a couple days with them in their house and then you are doing the driving. As children get older you have to entrust others in their care. It takes a village and sometimes you have to create the village. Best wishes to you and your family.

The OP has decided not to move her parents in.