Follow
Share

My parents are currently living 60 miles away (mom is late 60s and healthy, dad is mid 70s and basically healthy, but overweight and doesn't move as fast as he used to). My mom drives up to our house and stays with us 2-3 nights a week to babysit my 1 year old while I work part-time, mostly from home. We do not have any other family nearby and so do not have childcare on the weekends or days when I'm not working. My husband and I are starting to try to get pregnant with a second child and are debating moving into a larger house so my parents can live with us for childcare purposes (this would be a 3000+ sq ft house and everyone would have their own bed and bathroom. We can afford the move so money is not an issue). My mom is already living with us basically half the time, does not enjoy the long drive, and is unhappy with their current living situation renting in a senior mobile home park, so she is on board with the move. We also get along quite well. My dad is more ambivalent about it because he has other family and friends near his current home. He is also quite loud and can get on my nerves when I visit for a long weekend. Basically, I'm concerned that if my parents continue to live far away, childcare will be difficult with 2 children. I'm also worried my mom won't be able to handle the long drive. On the other hand, if my parents move in with us, I'm afraid we could drive each other crazy and am also afraid of unexpected caregiver responsibilities should their health go downhill. My husband is easygoing and says he doesn't have any preference. If anyone has any experience with a similar situation, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!

I am going to sound really harsh here.

Why are you relying on your mom for childcare?

If your mom wanted a more "spendy" lifestyle, she could easily get employed by a childcare center or school.

This whole arrangement smacks of codeoendence to me
Helpful Answer (21)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
cwillie Aug 19, 2021
👏👍👍
(9)
Report
See 1 more reply
Thank you all for your feedback. I've realized that this is a very bad, poorly thought out idea and will not be moving forward with it.
Helpful Answer (21)
Reply to MKW1987
Report
Grandma1954 Aug 21, 2021
Yeah!
I think that is a wise decision.
(7)
Report
See 3 more replies
This may sound a little harsh, however this post sounds just a tad on the selfish side to me. You have day care by mom who travels from 60 miles away so you can work part time from home. Dad, who appears to be labeled as more a potential irritant, stays home. You are getting all your needs met.

You consider moving them in with you to continue to benefit from the child care arrangement. Then turn around and say you are afraid of becoming 'unexpected' caregiver if their health fails. Failing health for seniors should never be on the list of 'unexpected' happenings. All in all, this would be a cozy arrangement for you as long as mom can take care of current kid and one in the planning stage IF dad could be a little more sedate in his ways. Dad is smart to want to stay where he is so he can continue to enjoy being around people who enjoy being around him. His personality and voice level is not going to change if he moves to your house. And, it doesn't sound like you are prepared for any benefit of care to be extended to mom if she can no longer be the babysitter.

I don't think this would be a win for the parents in any sense of the word. You move them both to get day care from mom, dad misses his friends and irritates you. Good health is promised to no one. Should one or both of them suddenly need care, it doesn't sound like you are going to step up to that plate. If you are only working PT and finances are not an issue, why not be a FT mom to current kid and the one being planned - then invite mom to come for real visits, not to work. And be able to go visit them for a few days at a time, too.

The only other plan I can think of IF both are interested: Get a property that has a separate living quarters for parents. Mom close by to help you out, if that is her desire. Dad can't irritate you. Don't charge them any rent or utilities or food. When the day comes they need caregiving service, let all of their own income be tossed toward the cost of home health. You're going to have to be willing to help them when they need help if you plan to depend on mom to help you now.

Maybe you should re-read your post to completely understand how my answer came to be what it is.
Helpful Answer (21)
Reply to my2cents
Report

FFS, these folks are healthy young seniors they don't need an AL or an IL either!

I get the difficulty in finding good affordable child care, I have family facing the same challenges right now. IF the parents are willing to uproot their lives to move closer IMO a shared multi-generational household is the least desirable way to accomplish that, much better that they have their own separate home. And it's not a grandparent's responsibility to provide free childcare, even if they lived next door.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to cwillie
Report

I don't mean to sound harsh, so please forgive me if I speak plainly. If you're depending on your elderly parents to provide child care for a one year old, don't have another baby.
Think about what your life will be like a few years down the road if you move your parents in with you.
A toddler, a baby, and two elderly people. Mind you old folks love babies and little kids. Especially their grands. It's a different story when they live with them though. Your parents will get tired of that situation fast. Then you will be dealing with two fussy, ornery elderly people along with a toddler and a baby.
I'd think long and hard on this one before you do anything, my friend.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report
Cover99 Aug 22, 2021
Separate addition, similar to what some homes have with one part living area, the other an apartment.

Bonus points if single floor
(0)
Report
My opinion, I wouldn't do it. If Dad drives you nuts on weekends, whats he going to be like 24/7. And what happens if they both have serious health problems later on. Do u plan on caring for them.
If you can afford a 3000 sq ft house you can afford to pay someone to care for your kids. I hope you pay Mom something. It costs her gas to drive there and her time. I charged my daughter. 5 years later it got us a nice trip to Universal as a family.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
MKW1987 Aug 19, 2021
You make some very good points. I'm not prepared to become a caregiver...
We don't pay my mom- we have offered multiple times, but she refuses to accept it. We have helped my parents out financially in other ways though, including several out of state vacations. I would rather quit my job than pay for childcare because childcare in my area costs more than I make.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
It sounds like you can’t really handle having children unless your parents help you. What happens if they die suddenly? Then what? Counting on them for child care sounds like a poor thought out solution. Perhaps you should reconsider having a second child if that is the only way you can cope. Also if your dad is on your nerves for a weekend..what do you think every day will be like? What if it doesn’t work out? What is the exit strategy? Because people will tell you that is when it gets difficult. Why can’t they move into a place of their own?
Bottom line, It sounds like you are using your mom and dad as babysitters, your dad doesn’t want to move due to his connections. Your folks are my and my husbands age and I can’t even imagine living with my children. I would want my own space. Don’t do it is my opinion.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Harpcat
Report
Cover99 Aug 22, 2021
Addition to a home with a separate entrance.
(0)
Report
I have a better idea ... since money isn't an issue -- stop working and stay home and take care of your own kid(s). Your parents have raised their child(ren) and it seems spoiled the daughter a bit too much. You want your parents only to use them when you need them -- but dad better lose weight, start moving like he did when he was younger and hush. What are you going to do as your parents age and are no longer serve your wants? What are you going to do when they need your help? I think we know. So I think you'd be far better off quitting your job, staying home and raising your own kid(s). You an afford to hire a sitter on weekends when you again want to be unburdened with the responsibilities of raising your kids. Mom needs to stay home and take care of dad -- and enjoy their retirement years. And they need to plan for when they need help themselves. They obviously can't count on you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to SweetSioux
Report
MKW1987 Aug 22, 2021
I find this extremely judgmental. My husband and I have regularly helped my parents financially over the years and plan to continue doing so as long as it is needed. Just because I am not comfortable becoming a full-time caregiver in the future doesn’t mean I am a selfish person. My mom has said she never wants me to have to bathe her or change her diapers if it ever comes to that. I have every intention of helping my parents receive whatever care they may need in the future. At present, my mom enjoys babysitting her granddaughter, which is why we have her come up instead of arranging childcare (I’m also uncomfortable with daycare during covid, but that is a separate issue). I frequently check in with her to make sure she is still happy with the arrangement and she knows to tell me when she no longer feels up to it. I have no plans to abandon my parents as they age, as you seem to suggest.
(2)
Report
Your parents are not your only child care option. Hire child care like people do who do not have family at their beck and call.

If your parents want to live closer to you, it should be in a separate house or apartment. Do not "move them in for childcare. "
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to RedVanAnnie
Report

NOOOOO…My Mom moved in with me when my son was born to be our live in childcare provider. We thought we’d have her for 7-8 years. We’ll, my son just turned 38 and we still have Mom. She is now 94 and has many medical problems. She is an extreme fall risk (fallen 3 times-broken sternum, subdural hematoma, etc). She now has dementia and is getting extremely hard to handle. Her care requires almost 24/7 care. So my dreams of traveling the world after retirement has been put on hold for who knows how long.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to DonnaRDH
Report
blondie97 Aug 21, 2021
I had Mom and Dad together for 5 years now have had Mom for 11 years. I am going to an AL facility today to check out our options. My husband has a bad heart, cancer and high blood pressure. At 70 years old I would love to have the chance to do things with him before it’s too late. My sisters husband just past away this week and it was a HUGE wake up call for me.
(3)
Report
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter