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Mom and Jim have been "keeping company" for about 10 years now though they don't live together. She is in AL and he is in his own home. Every afternoon at 4:00 he drives into town and they drink together and then they go downstairs to dinner. He leaves every night at 8:00 sharp.


My worry is that he is a heavy drinker. We see the large, empty, bottles of scotch he leaves by her garbage can. When he drinks he becomes belligerent, loud and sometimes grabs her arm, behaves inappropriately with the other residents. I saw him poke a woman with a walker with his cane. She ignored him.


As far as I know, he's never hit her. The family believes he has isolated her from other friends who all have made comments about his drinking. But she thinks he is wonderful, proud that he's a retired naval captain, etc. I think she would be devastated if he wasn't in her life though I and the rest of the family would be relieved. My dad, now dead, was a heavy drinker too.


The family thought that this would solve itself with either his death, my mom's, or his family stepping in and moving him out of the state. But this hasn't happened.


Should I just stay out of this? He is her choice, after all.


Thank you for any advice you can give me about this.

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They've been together for 10 years, it's not like this is a passing romance, as long as the AL isn't worried about his behaviour I would stay out of it. I'm more concerned with him drinking and driving, but that isn't your problem to fix.
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bamboo123 May 2019
Thanks for this response. It is helpful. Yes, we too worry about the drinking and driving. As you say though, it's not my problem to fix.
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Whenever I have dinner with my FIL at his indy/assisted living, my FIL gets charged for my meal. I think it's $25 for dinner. If I ate with him every night, that would add hundreds to his monthly bill.

"Every afternoon at 4:00 he drives into town and they drink together and then they go downstairs to dinner. He leaves every night at 8:00 sharp." I have two questions:
1. He's drinking with your mother in her AL apartment or someplace else?
2. Whose supplying the alcohol?

If he's drinking and driving then he's not "wonderful", but rather reckless and a danger to everyone around him. Does your mother understand that? How will you and your mother feel in the event he maims or kills someone on his way home?? Because his drinking and driving is happening every night, the chances are increasing that he will be in an accident.

You can report a drunk driver by calling 911 and, in my opinion, that is the right thing to do in this case. Shortly before 8 pm, you can let the 911 operator know you want to report a suspected drunk driver, give them the exact location of his vehicle, and be as specific as possible. What happens to him once he gets pulled over is not your problem.
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