I've been trying to get my 94 year mother to move to a retirement home. I'm her son, 64 years old and just retired. I am wondering if it would be a better idea to have her move in with me? I'd get a larger 2 bedroom apartment and that way she could move in with me. And advice is appreciated. Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Sometimes family members living together is a fine arrangement. Other times it is miserable for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

What are Mom's impairments that she can't live on her own? Have you discussed this with her doctor? Is it likely to get worse? For example, dementia is progressive and always gets worse. Look into whatever the doctor tells you she has. Understand what it might be like living with this in a year.

Lots of factors impact such a decision. How have you two gotten along through the years? Lately? How long have each of you lived alone and independently? What were your looking forward to in your retirement? Are there other people who will be supportive? You'll need breaks. Can Mother be left alone? For a few hours? For a couple of days? (If she has dementia, she will reach a point where she cannot be alone.) How will you arrange for time to yourself?

I think an important key is to figure out if you will just be roommates or if you will be her caregiver. And for this you need to talk to her doctor.
Helpful Answer (1)

Great answer. Well, one thing for sure, is that I didn't figure on being a care giver in my retirement. I'm the only family member alive. I'm it. Period. No one else to help. And we haven't gotten along too well over the years. I guess I'll have to talk to her doctor. Thanks.
Helpful Answer (0)

Often aging is a slow downward slide into worsening health and increasing dependence on others. If you find caregiving challenging now things might get pretty hairy when you find yourself having to help with personal care like bathing and toileting. If you can't see yourself doing that then it might be best to skip moving mom in with you and move her to a place that can offer that level of care when the need arises.
Helpful Answer (5)

You are a man, she is a woman, she is heading downhill, and at 94, likely very quickly, so (based on 13 years of experience with my now 86 year old FIL living in our home) NO, NO AND NO! Don't do it!

I hate to be blunt, but it would be the worst thing that you will ever do!

Find a nice Assisted living place, where you can continue to be her Visiting and Loving Son, and keep your home lives separate!

There will come a time when you would need additional care and assistance, and even the biggest and nicest 2 bedroom apartment would not be big enough! Aides and caregivers coming in and out of your home, interrupting your bachelor lifestyle ( if you are a bachelor, and if your Not, OMG, so much worse, and unfair to your partner), and what happens when one of the aides can't come that day, and you have to do something very personal like attending to a female issue, what will you do? Are you prepared to changes adult female diapers on your Mom? How about those pesky diarrhea attacks, that come on when you are out and about in your car, or just inside your own home and bathroom, time and time again. Its not if, it's when! This week alone, my FIL has broken 2 of my new dishes, that I can't replace, and forgot about watching your favorite TV, or listening to music! Your entire life becomes about her, and all because you are a nice stand up guy, for even considering it! Now we are fortunate enough to ive in a decent sized home, and he has his own living space and TV room, but still, it has changed every aspect of our lives!

It's Admirable, you thinking about it, it really is, but it will wreck your life, and your relationship with her, and you will come to resent her, and thats not fair to either of you, so my suggestion is that you not even entertain the thought! You can still take care of her, just not in your own home. Believe me Sweetie, it would be extremely difficult! Good Luck, Good Son!
Helpful Answer (4)

NO. NO son should have to clean up mom's undercarriage. NO son should have to be mom's total home entertainment center. She needs the company of people her own age to share stories with. Honest.
Helpful Answer (6)

Bloom, you had mentioned that you have been tying to have your Mom move to a retirement home.... has she been resisting?

If you do move Mom to your home, re-read all the advice given above... and also think that you would need to set up your apartment like it was Assisted Living, with grab bars in the bathroom, maybe a walk-in shower, higher toilet seat, Corelle plates that are lightweight, no throw rugs around, etc. Later down the road, Mom might need to use a cane, or preferably a rolling walker, thus the floors should be easy to move about on, no speed bumps between the rooms.

Oh, most elders like the heat in their rooms to be in the 80's, it is just part of getting older, their skin is thinner, and they are on meds that make them feel cold like thyroid pills. Be ready for the thermostat wars.

Check to see if there is a senior center that your Mom can attend during the day, that will give her contact with other people from her generation. And it will give you some "me" time while she is there.

You have a lot to think about.
Helpful Answer (4)

Wow, these were all helpful answers and eye-openers for me. The good news is that today, she was rethinking retirement homes and even excited about it. I think daily life has gotten to difficult for her. So I am arranging another tour at a home re visited earlier this year. I hope, I hope, I hope she agrees to move there and that they accept her. It's a Medicaid facility so she has to go through the application process. It's really a very nice home, very hotel like and I would live there. Again thanks.
Helpful Answer (2)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter