Should I move back in?

Don't do it. You value your independence and really don't want to.
Would your father be open to some different living options? Like selling his big house that he doesn't need and maybe moving to a nice senior community. He wouldn't be alone and might like socializing with other people his own age.
If that isn't his thing, maybe he could rent out a couple of rooms at his place. It would mean extra money and his renters (if they're given a good deal) would help out with the upkeep of the place and provide some company for your father.
Would your father consider selling his house now and buying a duplex-style home (which he puts in your name because you're his heir? You and your son could live next door to him, but you'd still each have your own place. Just some options to consider.

Do not do it. Your Dad is looking for someone to replace your mom as far as the caretaking goes. You would not have a life and if you tried, he would guilt you. Set up a weekly visiting time. Maybe go out to dinner once a week with him and your son. Make sure all your interactions with him are as his daughter not....maid, chauffer, cook, caretaker, etc. He needs to take care of his own needs and if he is unable, you can assist him in finding OUTSIDE help. Anyone but you. You just play the part of his daughter. Do not be the solution to any of his problems or he will find a way to make you the solution to all his problems before you know it.

It's not 'selfish' to want your own life. It really bothers me when I hear *women mostly* using that word with regard to caring for an elderly parent. As if THEY are 'selfish' to want their own independence! Isn't that everyone's God given right? TO live independently, with their own child(ren) and family members?

That said, it's always suggested to help a parent out in any way we possibly can. To abandon them is never recommended, at least not by me or any members of this forum. There are a ton of ways you can help your dad w/o moving in with him and subjecting yourself & your son to that lifestyle! What about Assisted Living for him? That would open up a whole new lifestyle for HIM that would help him socialize with other peers his own age, have meals served, entertainment available, etc. My father loved AL b/c he got to play cards with 'the men' without my mother nagging him for a few hours at a pop! Mom got to schmooze with the women about how irritating her husband was w/o being bugged by her husband for a few hours at a pop! It was a win-win situation for both of them, in reality. People paint a horrible picture of AL when in reality, it's like a hotel and day camp for seniors.

If that's not an option, you can arrange in home caregivers to come in and help dad with whatever he needs. You can arrange to stop by on X days for X hours and visit with him, without disrupting your peace and lifestyle for you and your son. You can even arrange grocery delivery for him or whatever else he needs w/o sacrificing your LIFE in the process.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a plan that works well for ALL concerned, not JUST dad.

Don’t.

No, you are not selfish, just realistic.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You said your Mom passed very recently. This means your father is still grieving and adjusting to a profound change. Maybe it's just too soon for him to make any big decisions. Instead, encourage him to get back out and call friends, find a hobby, find his "new normal", etc. Tell him you don't want to make this decision yet. I would discretely call his friends to ask them to keep in closer contact with him at this time.

Personally, I would not move in with him. I would not be his "plan" and be assumed into caregiving. Better to encourage him to downsize and relocate as close to you as possible. If he "has his own health issues" then I would strongly encourage a care community where he can easily move to different levels of care when (not "if") he eventually needs it.

I live next door to my 93-yr old Mom. It was awesome for her to be so close to her 3 grandsons. There are days when it is still not enough separation, as now her judgment is lapsing and she wanders over whenever she gets the notion and interrupts without "reading the room", among many other developing intrusions.

You are having a gut feeling about moving in with him, and I think you need to pay attention to it. He may be disappointed if you don't move in, but you need to read the stories on this forum of people who live with their aging parents and how it eventually drains the adult children. Your first priority is your son and you.

Evamar summed it up, "...not selfish, just realistic."

Brown, do you really want to become your dads surrogate wife?

You know if she waited on him hand and foot, what he expected her to do for him, the house, etc. Are you prepared to step into that role? Because he will expect that.

I would encourage him to sell the house and move into a senior community that he can buy the services he needs and have others his age to do things with.

If you move into his home, you will lose your independence and he will resume the role as DAD. I wouldn't recommend subjecting yourself to being under the authority of your parent, it won't sit well.

I am sorry for your loss.

I would not do this. This isn't really fair to your son. Your father won't get stronger, but weaker. There will come a time when he should enter care. I don't know the age of your son, but the teen years can be terribly difficult under the BEST circumstances. You owe a life to your own family, yourself and your son moving forward, and your love, affection, visits and assistance to your Dad. Tell him no. Honor your limitations. 24/7 care, which is what this will become has taken down many younger than you mentally and physically. It is an impossible ask, imho. Only you can decide for your own family. If you have read a lot of AgingCare then you know what you are looking at, and if you have not, I really hope that you WILL. Best to you.

Don't do it. You and your father will both become miserable. He will start longing for people in his own age range, and you will resent feeling like you've returned to childhood.

I'm with everyone else on this board. It is not selfish to want to remain independent.

He could sell the house and move to an independent living facility. He will meet people his own age.

No, do not move in with Dad. He has to adjust to his new norm. You will need to set boundries. What you are willing to do and what your not. If you work and have full responsibility of your son, its going to be hard fitting Dad in. Not now, but in the near future, you and Dad need to get ur ducks in a row. If he hasn't assigned a POA, he needs to do it. Make a new Will if the old one reads "whats urs is mine". Need to see how his finances are. At 75 maybe better to downsize. Sell the house and put him into independent living where meals are included.

You cannot be his option. Our parents did us no favor spoiling the other. My Mom spoiled my Dad. TG he went first. I would not have done for him what Mom did.

Yes, he is asking that much. No, you shouldn’t do this. It’s like a tar baby: first you stick in your hand and can’t pull it out. Then you try to push the tar baby away with the other hand and it also gets stuck. Then you shove it away with your foot and your foot gets stuck, then the other foot and your head and - guess what? You can no longer move. You can’t get away no matter how hard you try. The tar baby has consumed you. That is what will happen. No question. Read other posts on here. Stuck, stuck and stuck. Tell dad you love him and help him stay independent anywhere but under the same roof with you.

Why would you move in? If it is to help him, be prepared to become a hands-on care giver and lose all independence. It may not happen right away, but it will happen, especially if he is used to someone being a caretaker. You will just take the place of your mother as he won't have the skills or desire to do it himself.

If you need to move in, I would be clear about what you will/won't do and how long you will stay. Be clear about expectations up front or you both will end up frustrated.

Personally, I would never move in with a parent who needs caregiving of any type. I also value my independence too much and would find it very constricting.

You are 100% right. Life is short so don’t sacrifice a big piece of yours. He is definitely asking too much as there would be no end date on this. Come up with another solution for Dad. Do not make any big decisions while in the middle of grief but be ready to say no and then again and then again.

Unless you plan to do that 'till death do you part' I would be very hesitant to recommend this. I mean seriously unless you yourself would be homeless without this as an option, I would be .. very hesitant. You'll be re-entering a parent-child relationship (as it will be his house his rules) and with mom gone, you will become mom. With the rights of child. If you need time for yourself and have to set a boundary, I can imagine the "I let you live here" could rear its head. Even if you pay competitive rent, this could happen, depending on the circumstances of his mental state/health.

I would instead, if you wanted to help, assist him by looking around at local senior centers and similar things if he insists on living alone (keeping the house).. stuff like the county's local corporation for aging -- which can help by sending home health aides to assist him with the more difficult things for him to manage. Even if you have over a certain $ you can get "options" program (which is what my mom had before she moved in with me). I don't remember enough about it to explain it clearly, but it is basically the kind of thing you can access to help keep someone in their own home for longer. Hiring someone is also an option. Otherwise ways to try to keep him independent, like preparing meals for the week on the weekend, helping him coordinate doctor appointments, etc, could do versus going all the way to the "move back in" stage. There are options

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do not move in. When the time comes, by which I mean after a reasonable period of mourning, your father should sell the house that is now too big for him and move into a community that offers continuing care.

Do not allow him to transfer his dependence on your late mother to you. Not good for either of you, or for your son.

You’re not selfish for refusing to move in, it would ruin both your life and your son’s. You a mother first, not a daughter. So just say no.

No
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아니요

If you want to keep any resemblance of a life, don't move in. Hire help to assist him daily, weekly, monthly...whatever he needs and then you can visit and help get him get to appointments, manage his bills and whatever else creeps up. That will keep you plenty busy.

Check into senior centers, meal delivery and anything else that would enhance his day to day. With your mom gone, he will get lonely. There are companies like "seniors helping seniors" that you could hire. They can run to the store and put away his groceries, cook him a meal and just be companionship for him.

How much care does your father need? I am usually the first one to say, "Don't move in," but my husband and I actually did move in with my father after my mother died. My father was independent and never needed nursing-type care, but needed help with the house and property, sometimes rides or an "RP" at the doctor, and so on. He paid his own bills and was involved in activities of his own. It worked well for us.

If you want no part of living with your father for whatever reason you have, by all means do not do it. Depending on how much care your father neefs, maybe a live-in care taker would be the right choice. If he just needs help with property maintenance or perhaps some driving, consider a younger housemate. If he needs help with finances and paperwork, you need to be sure hired help for that task is trustworthy, or if you live close by, maybe you could come in once a week or so to pay bills, and file paperwork.

Just some thoughts from someone for whom moving in with a parent worked well!

Do not move in with your dad. At 75, he can still be independent and your presence may cause him to be totally dependent and you will have no life. Just guilt if you try to live it. You can suggest civic groups, church ministries, senior groups he can attend and meet people. Or he can downsize into something smaller and away from memories. Stay strong offering him support of independence or you could end up feeling resentful. You are not responsible for his happiness.

Don’t do it. Tell your father you love him and you will always be there for him to help, but you need to maintain your life as is. If you can show him he’s not alone and is taken care of that should be enough. If he is lonely then maybe start having the conversation that there are options such as AL when he is ready to start discussing that. Evenings are usually the hardest on grieving people. Make sure you call often in the evenings and if you are close by maybe having a standing dinner date once a week will give him something to look forward to.

These type of decisions are always difficult. Everyone will have a different answer. Ask yourself this question if you are in the position of your dad what would you want your kid to do? Realize you are asking someone to give up their prime years to be your care giver. Their dreams and ambitions to be put on hold for an unknown time.
personally I was adopted and was never close to my parents but that did not stop me from preparing for the life to come. I saved for elder years and think I am set for a time with “assistants” but if ever I become totally disabled I would end my life. I have seen too many family members kept alive just because medical science can do it.

My FIL was the same but luckily (?) we had moved out of state few years back. All other kids live all over U.S. I can guarantee if we still were in area, we would’ve been pressured/expected to move in

big NOPE

he was gonna do Assisted Living near us (same area of another son/family). Even looked at condos, etc. What happened? Other son/wife encouraged him to buy ANOTHER home near HER parents. On a golf course with a country club. 1 1/2 hours from us

isnt selling first house. Still complains he’s “lonely”

we are out, no longer offer advice or get involved past normal visits. My hubs even agreed, brother/wife did the “encouraging” so THEY have a getaway. And a place once he’s gone.

i hate people. lolol


DO NOT MOVE IN. Loneliness is tough, but at 75 he’s still young enough to live life. Let him make some mistakes and learn how to live it’s hard, but it is life.

if he lives 15 more years, where will you be? Your kid will be grown (or soon to be) & gone. And it’ll be your turn alone in a big house.

Perhaps he thought cohabitating would benefit all of you. You would all get to know each other better, your son will have a memory that includes grandpa (not something we all have) and Dad might have considered how it might help you financially to be able to save for a home (or some other object you cannot afford).

If you see no benefit, then it's probably time to talk to Dad about assisted living and how he could afford that move where he would be surrounded by new friends and many activities.

Oh my, NO. I am 75, live on my own, my mother is 98 in AL and I have a step-mother in MC, I do my part but I am not willing to give up my life for them. They are well cared for.

He will expect you to be his new wifey and caretaker, is that really what you want your life to look like? He will consume you and your son, who should be your priority. Don't do this to your son or you for that matter.

Sending support your way.

No . Have him go into assisted living there are some very nice communities . You will end up his companion and caretaker and have 2 children to take care of and no life .

There are many families that do very well with multigenerational living.
There are probably just as many or more that do not have good relationships and such an arrangement would be a disaster waiting to happen.
Do his health issues involve you becoming a caregiver for him in the very near future?
If so I would decline this offer to move in and encourage him to look into Assisted Living, or Independent Living communities that also have AL and Memory Care if he should ever have to utilize either.
I would think getting dad involved in Senior programs that would keep him busy and give him a purpose would be high on the list of things to do for him.
What does your son think about this? He should have a say.
Will he and your dad get along? Will dad grumble about all the stuff that "we older folk" grumble about, music is loud, on the devices (computer, phone, tablet...) for too long, makes a mess, makes noise, stays up all hours, won't turn off the lights..and on and on.
And a tough one for you..this is dad's house. Not yours. Are you going back to when you were a kid and it is "his house, his rules"? or are you going to be treated like an equal, like an adult you are and not a child?

If you are currently renting this might be an easy thing to try out for a while and if it does not work you can begin the arduous process of finding another place and moving once again.
If you are in your own home this becomes a more difficult decision.
I do not think I would want to sell my house and move.

WOW reading this back I find that I am sitting right on the fence. I can see a win win on one hand but trouble on the other.

I generally agree with the other posters here.

However, I think (not that you should post that information here) more information would be necessary to provide a firm answer.

Other factors are:

Are there other siblings/children?

What is your financial situation?

What is his financial situation?

What would happen to the big house if he goes on Medicaid?

You should make a plan that has the best outcome.

One thing is for sure: the house should be put in a trust ASAP so that, if he does go on Medicaid, you have a chance of getting it. And that needs to be done before he may become mentally incapacitated to sign off on that (dementia/etc). You will find plenty of information here on that. However, you should seek advice and do research on this, first. Skilled nursing is usually somewhere around 8K-10K a month and on up. Without a trust you will lose the house. If a primary caregiver is living with the parent and they pass, in some states you do not lose the house.

There is a lot to consider, but, as mentioned, the safe route would be that immediately provided by the others here (assisted living).

But you should do your research.

:-)

Browneyez1900: I am sorry for the loss of your mother and send deepest sympathies. Do not move in with your father. Perhaps he could opt for assisted living.