I have a boyfriend (widowed for 6 years). He has a full time job and so do I. I live on my own in an apartment where he comes to stay with me 1x/wk. We’ve been together for 3 years. We are both in our early 50s. His mom 70 y/o and aunt 72 y/o both retired, live with him and helps him take care of daughter and house. Both grandmothers have character. Almost like a an overbearing/controlling nature to only son/nephew and only grand daughter. I want us to start a family just the three of us. Grandmas are healthy, cook and drive, and are living on pension (which is not a lot). Our decision is for the grandmas to live in an apartment so we can have our own independence and privacy. Is it selfish of us to ask the grandmas to move out? His mom says it’s an insult to her. The aunt says she doesn’t want to live in a senior living facility or an apartment. We can help them get an apartment and even pay for it, but the aunt likes to live in a house. He said he is in a tight spot. He can’t throw his family out of his house. I don’t want to live with them under 1 roof. It’s just too much drama, snide comments, dealing with them being critical. I don’t agree with them treating him like a boy. What will I do?
This is not a man you are dealing with. He is married to his female relatives.
They should room together or do whatever they please, but do know if your boyfriend won't address this then he isn't a keeper. Move on. It will be hard enough to have a teen, not your child, and you moving in with BF let alone the two grannys.
If boyfriend won't do this stay just as you are. No marriage. No children.
See pre marital counselor to get it together with a guide as to what you will and won't do.
Given he moved them both in I have little trust that this is the man for you.
But you as an adult will make your own choice. If you move in as it is I hope you will not bring a child into this situation.
So take off your "rose colored glasses" this will NEVER be a family of 3.
This is a family of 4 and you will most likely always be an "outsider".
If you love him and want to continue the relationship as it is ....great. So if you are happy with the current arrangement keep it as such, if not break ties so you can get on with your life. 3 years is a long time to invest in something that is not going to change, get better.
Mom/Aunt have it made, they run the show. They aren't going to move out without a fight. They don't care about HIS life, other than running it. You are seen as a temporary intruder and their worst nightmare.
He's totally controlled by these Biddies. If he does manage to get them out, he shouldn't pay for their new place either.
Only way he will be free is if he sells his house and buys another smaller one. A 2 bedroom, 2 bath, for you two and daughter. Otherwise, you are burning daylight in this relationship.
Love is a two way street. As far as I was concerned he became a dead end road. The relationship was going nowhere. I wasn’t willing to waste my time with him anymore.
Another time he told me that I would never forget him if I ended the relationship. I looked him straight in the eye and said that very shortly he was going to become a distant memory for me.
I don’t care if you do have three years invested in this relationship. I would rather cut my losses and ditch him. It certainly beats sharing him with his mom and aunt! Make this guy a distant memory for you.
I advise you to watch the movie Moonstruck.
I know how scary it is to be single and in your 50s but, you need to make some decisions before you are in your 60s being the weekend fling.
He has made it very clear that daughter, momma and auntie are his priority and that the 2 latter have his ear. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
It seem like a different version of the traditional man bread-winner, female home duties & childcare. Mom & Aunt are not his Wife obviously, but the set up is stable & seems to work for them.
But being the 5th family member & living separatly is not working for you.
Is he willing to transition to a new household?
To break up his 4 person household to reshape into a 3 person household - with his daughter & youself?
Are you willing to continue the relationship if you stay living apart?
Some people do. They re-partner but keep separate living arrangements, maybe until the children are grown or go away to college.
Others may join the multi-gen household, with an 'in for a penny in for a pound' attitude.
Personally, unless the home is a Downton Abbey or Danish Palace sized place, this would be not be my thing.
Families can come in many shapes & sizes.
Can you find a compromise?
It is even more strange because when I press questions about what his future plan is (in general).. answer is, I don’t know. Like c’mon, I am sitting beside him and yet there is not even a mention of me in that future life of his. The sign is so clear, it is staring at me and I chose to ignore it.