I have a boyfriend (widowed for 6 years). He has a full time job and so do I. I live on my own in an apartment where he comes to stay with me 1x/wk. We’ve been together for 3 years. We are both in our early 50s. His mom 70 y/o and aunt 72 y/o both retired, live with him and helps him take care of daughter and house. Both grandmothers have character. Almost like a an overbearing/controlling nature to only son/nephew and only grand daughter. I want us to start a family just the three of us. Grandmas are healthy, cook and drive, and are living on pension (which is not a lot). Our decision is for the grandmas to live in an apartment so we can have our own independence and privacy. Is it selfish of us to ask the grandmas to move out? His mom says it’s an insult to her. The aunt says she doesn’t want to live in a senior living facility or an apartment. We can help them get an apartment and even pay for it, but the aunt likes to live in a house. He said he is in a tight spot. He can’t throw his family out of his house. I don’t want to live with them under 1 roof. It’s just too much drama, snide comments, dealing with them being critical. I don’t agree with them treating him like a boy. What will I do?
This is not a man you are dealing with. He is married to his female relatives.
Run
They should room together or do whatever they please, but do know if your boyfriend won't address this then he isn't a keeper. Move on. It will be hard enough to have a teen, not your child, and you moving in with BF let alone the two grannys.
If boyfriend won't do this stay just as you are. No marriage. No children.
See pre marital counselor to get it together with a guide as to what you will and won't do.
Given he moved them both in I have little trust that this is the man for you.
But you as an adult will make your own choice. If you move in as it is I hope you will not bring a child into this situation.
So take off your "rose colored glasses" this will NEVER be a family of 3.
This is a family of 4 and you will most likely always be an "outsider".
If you love him and want to continue the relationship as it is ....great. So if you are happy with the current arrangement keep it as such, if not break ties so you can get on with your life. 3 years is a long time to invest in something that is not going to change, get better.
Mom/Aunt have it made, they run the show. They aren't going to move out without a fight. They don't care about HIS life, other than running it. You are seen as a temporary intruder and their worst nightmare.
He's totally controlled by these Biddies. If he does manage to get them out, he shouldn't pay for their new place either.
Only way he will be free is if he sells his house and buys another smaller one. A 2 bedroom, 2 bath, for you two and daughter. Otherwise, you are burning daylight in this relationship.
Love is a two way street. As far as I was concerned he became a dead end road. The relationship was going nowhere. I wasn’t willing to waste my time with him anymore.
Another time he told me that I would never forget him if I ended the relationship. I looked him straight in the eye and said that very shortly he was going to become a distant memory for me.
I don’t care if you do have three years invested in this relationship. I would rather cut my losses and ditch him. It certainly beats sharing him with his mom and aunt! Make this guy a distant memory for you.
I advise you to watch the movie Moonstruck.
Your BF needs to see you as a priority, and not through pressure but because he understands this is what it takes for a romantic relationship to endure. Maybe diplomatically suggest he talk to a therapist so that he can identify and defend heathy boundaries. Even if you get him to move out, if it wasn't his own idea he will continue to have unhealthy boundaries in an house with his teenage daughter (and you are NOT her Mom so that may be a challenging relationship until she moves out).
My Mom lived with me and my husband when my first child was born. We had a business and both worked full time and her help was invaluable (shopping, cooking, cleaning, errands) but I knew we could live with her 24/7. As it turned out she was able to buy the house next door. It was "close enough". But she is still my Mom and often still treats me like I'm 8 and your BF's Mom will continue to do that to him as well unless he creates a boundary.
FYI he will most likely become the "assumed" caregiver for 2 elders... this is won't be sustainable. Also, he has to stop supporting them financially because he is robbing from him, you and his daughter's futures.
Maybe consider doing therapy together? BetterHelp.com is accessible and affordable therapy online.
I know how scary it is to be single and in your 50s but, you need to make some decisions before you are in your 60s being the weekend fling.
He has made it very clear that daughter, momma and auntie are his priority and that the 2 latter have his ear. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
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