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My husband is in later stage of Alzheimer's. His friend that he knows for many years wants to take him out for lunch. I'm not comfortable with the idea because I know my husbands needs and this person does not. Why do some people take this disease so lightly. How can I be at ease with this knowing what he needs. My husband does not even recognize me anymore. Please give me some suggestions. This is the friend that took him home from a baseball games a few years ago and brought him to the wrong house.

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Can you ask the friend to bring the lunch to your home instead? Say that you will set up a table for two, just for them, and friend can choose a snack to bring. If you wish, say that the doctor has said no outside excursions where emergency care may not be available.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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MargaretMcKen Nov 12, 2025
I’ve just read OP’s new post that says “On top of taking care of my husband I am not in the mood to entertain people. I'm barely getting any rest which is what I need”. If I had read that originally, I wouldn’t have made this suggestion. Sorry!
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That is what I was thinking too. My mind would be more at ease.
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Reply to Cheeky79
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If your husband doesn't even recognize you, there's no way he's going to recognize this old friend. Being alone with a "stranger" may freak him out. I would suggest a supervised visit, with you being there at the beginning and see how your husband reacts to him, and visa versa. This friend doesn't seem to "get" ALZ -- he has probably never come in contact with anyone who suffers from it -- but it's very sweet he wants to come see him.
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Reply to Geaton777
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No, of course someone unknowing and unfamiliar cannot be allowed to put your hubby nor himself in this awful position.
Tell him you are sorry, but you are now managing for him where he cannot, and you feel this is an unwise choice.

There are about a thousand things that can be done in lieu of husband's friend taking him away from premises where he is safe. Tell friend to think out of the box. Tell him you will fix them a nice lunch on the patio and serve it. If hubby is in care already tell him to have lunch served to the room and enjoy a private visit.

Your last sentence gave me my first giggle of the day. Sorry, but OH MY!!

Best to you. I don't know that friend will understand, but then that's too bad. There are lots of things in life we don't understand.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Tell this friend you cannot in good conscience allow him to take your husband out of your house. That he is now in the late stages of the desease which is very unpredictable. He does better in familiar surroundings. Then suggest bringing lunch to your husband.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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No , obviously your friend knows nothing about this disease , therefore it’s not a good idea . Your husband could get more disoriented etc and agitated in an unfamiliar place .
Since Covid , most restaurants still have the option to pickup and take the food home to your husband. That’s the option you tell this friend he can do .
If the friend brought him to the wrong house in the past , I’d wonder if the friend has dementia too by now .
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Reply to waytomisery
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As the others have said, just invite the friend to come over and visit with your husband at home. If he would like to bring lunch, that would be a nice bonus. I suggest staying with the two of them yourself so neither one makes some kind of inappropriate plan to go out or anything else your husband can't manage.
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Reply to MG8522
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I don't suggest staying with them if the man choses to come to your house. I left when my Mom had visitors. They weren't there to talk to me. Just make the man aware not to make any plans with husband or say he will take him somewhere. At this stage of his ALZ, leaving the house with someone other than you, is off the table.
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Cheeky79 Nov 6, 2025
I would never leave them alone and go somewhere. The last time the friend saw him and used my bathroom which I mentioned another time , he went all over my toilet and toilet seat and it wasn't urine. I have a feeling he may have had a couple of beers at the ball game that day or he is just plain ignorant. Sorry thats how I feel. I worry about him being alone with anyone other than my sister who has helped me in the past when I had to go to the doctor who was in a similar situation her husband had Parkinson's and died recently.
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Nope. The friend can come and visit at your home. It is now past time for visiting at a restaurant and enjoying it.
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Reply to JustAnon
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No, no and no. I would not even consider a friend taking my husband out! (My husband passed from dementia two years ago). I would let a friend visit, but I was usually there. The friend you are describing doesn't sound responsible enough to be alone with your husband.
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Reply to JColl7
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No.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Have the friend bring them lunch to your house.
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Reply to brandee
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The answer has to be no. He cannot take him out to lunch unless someone else is going who can handle your husband's needs.

Or invite the friend over for lunch at your house.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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We just recently had a 90th birthday party for my Dad at his nursing home. We did of course ask if this was okay with the staff first. It went well and was enjoyable.

While my Father remembers all of us kids I don't think he remembered most of my cousins that came.

I don't think he would do well going out with someone other than close family.
I would recommend the nursing home visit option.

Our other issue with taking him out is getting him to return. This is tough on everyone.
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Reply to AllenB
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Nope, no way.
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Reply to Lylii1
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No!
And don't be afraid to tell this "friend" that you are uncomfortable and why!
The friend can come visit if you are ok with that. Tell him bring lunch in.

Tell him that he does not understand your husband's needs.
I have family members who are clueless, because they are so self-centered, they are oblivious to what is around them. This friend sounds similarly self-centered.

To take your husband out somewhere, in unfamiliar surroundings, with someone he may not recognize, would do so much damage!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Cheeky79: It is probably not a good idea, especially since the friend erred once.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Could you all three go to together and yu could sit at another table as long as the men are doing OK?
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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JeanLouise Nov 12, 2025
I think this would be a disaster
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Suggest friends bring lunch to your home. Maybe he and your husband can sit on a secure patio or porch after or during lunch. Enjoy the sunshine and some conversation. Something familiar, safe but maybe Slightly different. Husband does not leave the house and friend does not leave him unattended. Show friend your husband’s bathroom any supplies husband may need, just in case. No Wipes in Toilet. Leave them at home for 30-60 minutes to enjoy some conversation and brought in lunch. You run an errand or just take a break. Invite friend back to do this every other week. No to picking up husband and taking him away. Just a big headache for you if it doesn’t go well.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Friend can come watch a few innings of baseball game with your husband at Home.. Friend might bring an easy lunch like burgers and fries, or whatever your husband can eat. Maybe you bake some cookies and friend brings a pint of ice cream that he and husband share. Friend stays and watches baseball game/ some innings with husband and supervises. You step away for 30-60 minutes and leave the house. Even if just for a coffee, groceries, fast food, or down the street. Thank friend very much and invite him to do this same thing every couple weeks. Husband stays in familiar surroundings. They can sit on a secure porch or patio. Maybe just open the windows if the weather is nice. Thank friend very. Welcome a reoccurring visit. This helps You and husband and friend.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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puptrnr Nov 11, 2025
This friend is no help whatsoever. He adds to the OP’s stress.
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From what you have said of the friend, it sounds to me like he has some sort of dementia going on as well. You are wise to not want him to take your husband anywhere. I wouldn't even let them go for a walk down the street.
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Reply to graygrammie
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100% no! And after reading that this “friend” soiled all over your bathroom the last time he was there AND left your husband at the wrong house, just tell him that you are no longer having guests.
There’s no reason to stress over this and you do not owe him any explanation. You have plenty on your plate- this person needs to go away.
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Reply to puptrnr
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Cheeky79 Nov 12, 2025
Ever since that incident happened I didn't want anything else to do with this friend
who is an old friend of my husbands. I only met him thru my husband when we got
married. Since July I have been dealing with Epstein Barr and two weeks ago I had to
go to urgent care to get treated for an upper respiratory infection. On top of taking care of my
husband I am not in the mood to entertain people. I'm barely getting any rest which is
what I need. I don't get why all these so called friends just dont get it. Thank you for
your response. I appreciate it.
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You don’t need to accommodate the friend. Tell the friend to visit at your house. If he is really a friend, he will understand and meet your husband where he is - not where he wants him to be.
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Reply to jemfleming
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TouchMatters Nov 12, 2025
Even a real friend won't necessarily understand what dementia / Alz is - people need to be educated. And, sure - a friend would still want to visit even if husband can't go to the game. However, MANY people cannot handle interacting or 'communicating' with people inflicted w dementia. They get / are very uncomfortable as they do not know what to do / how to respond. Gena
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No, no and no.

Unfamiliar surroundings are or could be a major trigger for your husband.
The 'goal' should always be 'keep him as calm as possible.'

Many / most people do not know what dementia is, what kinds, how the brain works and changes / losing brain cells. Most people are thrown into this situation without any prior understanding or education. This is understandable as - realistically - why would most people 'study' or educate themselves if not personal connection (spouse, family member, close friend).

Does this friend know your husband has dementia / Alzheimer's?
Does he understand or realize that your husband doesn't recognize you any longer?

While your / his friend means well, he doesn't understand what Alz is or how it is affecting your husband('s brain and behavior). If it were me, I would explain, even if briefly, what Alz is and how your husband reacts at times (stress, emotional outbursts, etc. and how an unfamiliar setting could very easily trigger a negative response.

I would suggest that his friend come over to the house and try watching a game on a computer or television and see how that goes.

It is important though, that his friend NOT ask him open ended questions that require a response (as husband can't comprehend) and the friend may not know that (esp if he wants to take him out to a game IF he knows he has Alz).
- In addition, my client spoke gibbersh (non-sensical language) and we got along 'great' as I acknowledged her with lots of smiles and expressions (Oh Marj ... you look beautiful today). She knew inside her confused brain that I cared - and people with dementia can tell when people care. She loved me for those two years I visited weekly.

A friendly visit may be appreciated by your husband.
Keeping it short if / as needed.
Focusing on non-verbal communications:
- Eye contact
- Quiet / gentle tone of voice
- Making statement (the sun is out today what a nice day it is !)
- Smile
- As accepted, gentle massage (hands - or hand holding), shoulders. See how this goes. A foot massage may also be welcomed.

Brought him to the wrong house. Oops. Just read this.
At this juncture, you don't want ANYONE taking your husband outside of the home, unless an emergency - and then that person would hopefully be you.

Don't be fearful to be direct and honest with this friend.
Google "what is Alz" or "how to interact with a person with Alz" and then email it to him. In other words, this friend needs to understand how your husband responds based on his brain chemistry and how it has changed.

Hoping you get some R and R.
Hope you have respites / caregivers come in so you can get out and have some fun and/or change of scenery. I know your job is very difficult. You need to take care of YOU as much as you can, too.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Find a care home for your husband. Lose the cell number of the "friend" that soiled your bathroom. I hope you can get some peace and rest soon.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Tell your husband friend to bring a picnic lunch, and you will set a wonderful table in the backyard. He can take him out the front door right alongside to the side gate and set the picnic lunch up there. You can stay inside and have a couple of minutes for yourself, with a cup of coffee and a book. If the friend complains just come out and say that’s the best and only way you can enjoy lunch with your husband.
PERIOD.
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Reply to Jennytrying
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If this friend has not seen or visited with your husband in a while can you maybe suggest that the friend bring lunch (or even have the lunch the facility provides). You can help arrange a private room for them that day, or at least a table out of the way.
This way the friend will get a chance to see your husband. He can see how much he has declined since they last saw each other. But it will be done within the safety of the facility.
Tell the friend that is is no longer safe to take your husband out of the facility and that if he wants to visit he should do so there.
Make sure that the facility staff knows that your husband is not to leave with anyone without your permission and if there is any question they should contact you.

I don't think people take dementia "lightly" I think the meaning of taking him out is well intentioned. I think the desire to keep things "normal" is strong. I think that denial is a big part of what your husbands friend is doing. It is difficult to see a friend decline, to struggle with everyday tasks. And if he has not seen him in a while he may not know at what point your husband is at.
And he may not even "get it" on a single visit. Your husband may put on a good front for a visitor. Sometimes called showtiming many will do this for visitors, doctors. But typically they can only hold it together for a short time and after that they will ask to go home, will fall asleep, wander off.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Have someone get or make sandwiches, snacks etc.. at your house and hang in the background to see how it goes. Not sure how long it's been since they have seen each other, but your husband may not remember him. You don't need to entertain...a half hour to an hour.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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