My husband is in later stage of Alzheimer's. His friend that he knows for many years wants to take him out for lunch. I'm not comfortable with the idea because I know my husbands needs and this person does not. Why do some people take this disease so lightly. How can I be at ease with this knowing what he needs. My husband does not even recognize me anymore. Please give me some suggestions. This is the friend that took him home from a baseball games a few years ago and brought him to the wrong house.
Tell him you are sorry, but you are now managing for him where he cannot, and you feel this is an unwise choice.
There are about a thousand things that can be done in lieu of husband's friend taking him away from premises where he is safe. Tell friend to think out of the box. Tell him you will fix them a nice lunch on the patio and serve it. If hubby is in care already tell him to have lunch served to the room and enjoy a private visit.
Your last sentence gave me my first giggle of the day. Sorry, but OH MY!!
Best to you. I don't know that friend will understand, but then that's too bad. There are lots of things in life we don't understand.
Since Covid , most restaurants still have the option to pickup and take the food home to your husband. That’s the option you tell this friend he can do .
If the friend brought him to the wrong house in the past , I’d wonder if the friend has dementia too by now .
Or invite the friend over for lunch at your house.
While my Father remembers all of us kids I don't think he remembered most of my cousins that came.
I don't think he would do well going out with someone other than close family.
I would recommend the nursing home visit option.
Our other issue with taking him out is getting him to return. This is tough on everyone.
And don't be afraid to tell this "friend" that you are uncomfortable and why!
The friend can come visit if you are ok with that. Tell him bring lunch in.
Tell him that he does not understand your husband's needs.
I have family members who are clueless, because they are so self-centered, they are oblivious to what is around them. This friend sounds similarly self-centered.
To take your husband out somewhere, in unfamiliar surroundings, with someone he may not recognize, would do so much damage!
There’s no reason to stress over this and you do not owe him any explanation. You have plenty on your plate- this person needs to go away.
who is an old friend of my husbands. I only met him thru my husband when we got
married. Since July I have been dealing with Epstein Barr and two weeks ago I had to
go to urgent care to get treated for an upper respiratory infection. On top of taking care of my
husband I am not in the mood to entertain people. I'm barely getting any rest which is
what I need. I don't get why all these so called friends just dont get it. Thank you for
your response. I appreciate it.
Unfamiliar surroundings are or could be a major trigger for your husband.
The 'goal' should always be 'keep him as calm as possible.'
Many / most people do not know what dementia is, what kinds, how the brain works and changes / losing brain cells. Most people are thrown into this situation without any prior understanding or education. This is understandable as - realistically - why would most people 'study' or educate themselves if not personal connection (spouse, family member, close friend).
Does this friend know your husband has dementia / Alzheimer's?
Does he understand or realize that your husband doesn't recognize you any longer?
While your / his friend means well, he doesn't understand what Alz is or how it is affecting your husband('s brain and behavior). If it were me, I would explain, even if briefly, what Alz is and how your husband reacts at times (stress, emotional outbursts, etc. and how an unfamiliar setting could very easily trigger a negative response.
I would suggest that his friend come over to the house and try watching a game on a computer or television and see how that goes.
It is important though, that his friend NOT ask him open ended questions that require a response (as husband can't comprehend) and the friend may not know that (esp if he wants to take him out to a game IF he knows he has Alz).
- In addition, my client spoke gibbersh (non-sensical language) and we got along 'great' as I acknowledged her with lots of smiles and expressions (Oh Marj ... you look beautiful today). She knew inside her confused brain that I cared - and people with dementia can tell when people care. She loved me for those two years I visited weekly.
A friendly visit may be appreciated by your husband.
Keeping it short if / as needed.
Focusing on non-verbal communications:
- Eye contact
- Quiet / gentle tone of voice
- Making statement (the sun is out today what a nice day it is !)
- Smile
- As accepted, gentle massage (hands - or hand holding), shoulders. See how this goes. A foot massage may also be welcomed.
Brought him to the wrong house. Oops. Just read this.
At this juncture, you don't want ANYONE taking your husband outside of the home, unless an emergency - and then that person would hopefully be you.
Don't be fearful to be direct and honest with this friend.
Google "what is Alz" or "how to interact with a person with Alz" and then email it to him. In other words, this friend needs to understand how your husband responds based on his brain chemistry and how it has changed.
Hoping you get some R and R.
Hope you have respites / caregivers come in so you can get out and have some fun and/or change of scenery. I know your job is very difficult. You need to take care of YOU as much as you can, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
PERIOD.
This way the friend will get a chance to see your husband. He can see how much he has declined since they last saw each other. But it will be done within the safety of the facility.
Tell the friend that is is no longer safe to take your husband out of the facility and that if he wants to visit he should do so there.
Make sure that the facility staff knows that your husband is not to leave with anyone without your permission and if there is any question they should contact you.
I don't think people take dementia "lightly" I think the meaning of taking him out is well intentioned. I think the desire to keep things "normal" is strong. I think that denial is a big part of what your husbands friend is doing. It is difficult to see a friend decline, to struggle with everyday tasks. And if he has not seen him in a while he may not know at what point your husband is at.
And he may not even "get it" on a single visit. Your husband may put on a good front for a visitor. Sometimes called showtiming many will do this for visitors, doctors. But typically they can only hold it together for a short time and after that they will ask to go home, will fall asleep, wander off.