Should I have a "traditional" funeral for mom when she passes?

I have mixed feelings on this Spoonfulasugar. On the one hand I totally understand where you are coming from, but I also understand how difficult it can be to visit at the nursing home, especially if there was any sort of cognitive decline. Some of us are just not very capable of carrying on one way conversations, and sadly, it's easier to just assume everyone else is stepping up.
Despite what your mother had said, funeral services are for the living, and the ritual of a traditional service may be comforting to your sister and husband and provide them with the type of closure they need.

Our mom is donating her body to a medical school. No wake. There will be a memorial service in church. When one son objected, he wanted the whole shebang, I said fine. I also asked him if he had the $10,000 to pay for all that. All he said was "Uuhhhhhh..."

Spoonfulasugar, I am glad you brought up this question, it makes me wonder what I would do for my either of my parents. My parents still live alone in their single family home, they are in their 90's, and no relatives or friends have visited in years.... so that can happen the same as a nursing home.

My parents remaining siblings are too old to fly out, and my cousins all have their own age related decline which makes travel difficult. Either my parents friends are deceased or too elderly to travel. I doubt my parents neighbors would come to a wake or Mass, as my parents don't socialize with them [they have nothing in common with families who have toddlers or teenage children].

Lately in my area, what seems to be the trend now is to have the love one cremated, then the next day have *visitors* at the funeral home for a couple of hours, have some friends and relatives get up to talk for a couple of minutes, then have a private family only burial. Later a reception.

For my parents, no obit in the newspaper. My parents said it's no body's business.

I must have missed it… Where is the bit where it says what your mother would like the arrangements to be? Has anybody asked her?

My parents didn't want any kind of service. They moved near me (200 miles away from anyone who knew them). When my dad died, we didn't have any kind of service. No obituary either. My brother didn't even come home when my dad died. When my mom goes, it will be the same. I'll notify her few remaining friends (she's the last remaining sibling) and let the relatives who have shown an interest in her (basically two nieces) know. Otherwise, there's no one around (particularly here) that knows my parents. It's sad but true. Our extended family is so spread out across the country, we're just not close. And I'm OK with that. My family was military, so we were always away from family.

When my brother died at age 69, his church had a big funeral, SRO and people outside. When his wife died at 90, there were only a few folks left, her sons and their family, and me. You don't have to make a major decision; short service at the church or funeral home chapel, potluck at the home, open invitation. A funeral is for comforting the family and getting folks a chance to get together. Keep it simple and open.

When my MIL passed she was 93 and cremated. There was a Memorial service for her at the facility where she lives. And it was about 6 weeks after. Having the service later is done more often as families are widely scattered and makes attendance easier. And that it was at the place she lived it was very easy for her friends to attend. And it was a very nice service.

My cousin organized a large birthday party in the town community hall for her mother's 100th birthday. There were displays of Aunt's life milestone pictures, lots of memorabilia and photo albums out, simple food, and, of course, cake. It was very much like many funeral receptions I've attended, except the honored person was present and got to hear all the fine thoughts people had about her. When she died three months later, the immediate family held a private service. The community and relatives had already "paid their respects" and "taken their leave."

Her sister will be 100 this winter. Winter parties are hard to arrange up here in the frozen tundra, so her daughters held a large 99.5 party this summer. Relatives came from some distance. I don't know what my cousins are planning, but as far as I'm concerned it would be OK if they keep the funeral private.

When my gramma died, my dad honored her request for "no muss, no fuss" and simply had her cremated, with no service of any kind. I wish now that I had organized a simple memorial service. My dad had simply never heard of that way of giving family comfort. I was just too young and inexperienced to take it on myself. But I missed some acknowledgement that her life was over and we were sad.

Spoonfulasugar, are there religious conventions to consider in your family?

Could you hold some kind of celebration honoring her now, and encourage family to attend? Would your mother enjoy that?

I am glad that you aren't considering a total "no muss, no fuss" approach. You are trying to decide between something for the immediate family, or something more public. Those are both reasonable choices. I hope you and your sister can come to a mutually satisfying resolution.

My vote would be "public celebration while she is alive" and "private burial ceremony." But that isn't always to arrange.

Jeanne, what a nice idea a big unbirthday celebration. And family that attend would not feel guilty because they hadnt seen her in however many years.

Reminds me of a Golden Girls episode where Sophia decided to throw herself a bash with SueEllen's help. Many friends attended the honoring Sophia's life party, but the invitation failed to mention that Sophia was alive. She had some angry friends! LOL!

I have to make a decision for my Mother who is 98 and has dementia and lives with me. There are no familiy members or friends that she knew who are still alive. No one comes to visit her and I gave up my restaurant business to stay and take care of her; which has been a massive undertaking as she begs me not to put her in a home. I have respected her wishes and trying my best to take care of her. My husband's family are all in the medical field and said putting her in a home would probably make her so depressed that she most likely will pass away from depression. I just can't do that. She has a small insurance policy of only $5,000 to cover her funeral expenses. $5,000 doesn't even cover one half day 4-9 pm! Not including flowers, limo, church (which she hasn't gone in years) and buriel costs, etc. I know I have to make a decision on her behalf, but I don't know which way financially to handle this. I am her Power of Attorney and need to make these decisions while she is alive because after she passes, the Power of Attorney no longer exists which I found out last week.

AkaHeart, does your mother approve of cremation?

I don't know why you would have to have an expensive funeral (with flowers, limo, etc.) if there is no community of family and friends to take comfort from it. If cremation is acceptable, do that, or arrange for a burial in a simple casket. Then hold a "commemoration" party in a restaurant for the few people who might take comfort in that.

When Mom dies you will no longer be her POA, but you will still be her next of kin and can handle her funeral in that capacity.

It is important to have what your Mom would like. I do have to say that it is hard to visit in a NH or AL sometimes as there are many germs there. The funeral is really for those "left behind". Remember to save your cards and notes that people send and read them again about a month later. As people will share there stories of earlier life with your family member. Some things you may learn that are some news stories you have not heard yet.

Thank you all for your responses, very helpful! To clarify, my mother doesn't want me to have a funeral service as she says, no one comes to visit while she's alive, why come to see her when she is dead. She also does not want a religious service of any kind even though she raised us Catholic. My mother has health issues but not mental and very much speaks her mind.
I am taking in to consideration her wishes. We did have a family reunion last year and most of the family came to see her and promised to stay in touch with her, but no one has. Lots to think about and really appreciate hearing what others have to say on this subject ~Spoonfulasugar

One of the reasons my MIL was cremated was because she did not want anybody to see her dead. Is that one of your Mom's concerns?

Now this question is having me think about MY OWN funeral. I do have it written in my Trust that my final resting place, that I want to be cremated, no burial plot, thus no head-stone, just to scatter my ashes in an area that I had enjoyed on vacations. I just hope in the next decades or so my sig other is mobile enough to do that :P

I don't even want a Mass, the Catholic church stopped welcoming me because I got divorced 20 years ago, so they won't be invited !! An obit is ok. Come to think of it, I better write one up and keep it in file.

What are mom's wishes? Ask her and follow her lead. Try not to influence her with your own needs. What you MIGHT do is present her with alternatives: #1 A traditional funeral with a 2-hour wake, funeral and interment all on the same day following an obituary in the newspaper (more traditional, except short); or #2 a private service of that kind only for family with the obituary printed afterwards; or #3 cremation and a celebration of her life by immediate family at a party. Ashes to be scattered in a favorite place.

Mom's service (3 weeks ago) was the first option; one-hour wake; service and interment immediately following. It was held out of town, so only family was present. It was beautiful. Not counting what it cost to get her body to her home town, the funeral cost $8,000. The monument was another $2,000. (I probably spent $2,000 more for the casket than one would have had to though.)

What I don't understand is your preferred way. It's very little different than traditional except for not printing the obituary ahead of time. Why does this make a difference to you?

Your mother needs to make her own arrangements, now.

i wont be going to aunt ednas funeral when she passes away . ill spend time with her now at nh . re; one sided conversations. we can communicate volumes with our smiles and skeptical grimaces . the little hand squeeze when i leave is enough conversation for us . a shared piece of pie, icewater, coffee . better than conversation ..

Since you are the person most involved in visiting your mother new, you should have more say in the plans than your sister or husband. I hope you can all reach a decision that will leave you feeling good.

Whatever you decide to do, try not to have the disappointment over your mom's friends and relatives be your driving force. Ask her what she wants, then do it.
I agree with others that a celebration while she's alive is the best way to honor her. Don't wait for a birthday, make up an occasion if need be. Work the date around whenever the people she'd like to see are able to be there.
It's a lose/lose situation when we 'test' our friends' and family's devotion by whether or not they appear when we desire them to. It only leads to bitterness on your part and guilt on theirs.

Why don't you ask your mom what she would like? When my mom passed away, I had the calling hours just before the funeral, and everything was just the way she had expressed to me right down to the fact that she wanted a closed casket. I was fortunate to be able to honor all her wishes and was glad I did. It was a very simple ceremony with her pastor officiating, and everyone was invited back to my home after for a small gathering. It was just like my mom had planned it herself! I believe her spirit was in some way with us that day. Hopefully you can come to some arrangement with your family to honor your mom when the time comes. Good luck.

I hear lots of comments about what people want to happen after they die. Some want no funeral service, some want no obituary. But the fact is that neither of these things are for the deceased -- they are for the survivors, as cwillie has pointed out.

I am at an age where an occasional friend, relative or acquaintance dies nearly monthly. While I'm not always able to go to the services, but I appreciate knowing that they have passed away. At least then, when I meet a relative or close friend of the deceased, I will be able to express my condolences and not be embarrassed by asking how that person is doing.

In an age where most people choose cremation, a simple service and an acknowledgement in the local papers can allow some closure for those who knew and cared for the deceased. This is not the time to hold a grudge against those who didn't visit often enough when the person was living. It is a time to respect the memory of the deceased and to rejoice in the memories of times gone by.

My MIL has a preneed policy. That sure takes care of most of the decisions! We had to move her to live near us into an ALF, so the original service directives have changed. Since she is no longer In her home and community of 30 plus years we are not planning any service here. The people she knew before moving do not even send her cards or call her even though they doted on her and took her everywhere when she was at her home......(we think she burned them all out with her neediness). They are all to old to travel here 300 miles and also where she will be intered also about 300 miles in a different direction. We will let old friends know she has passed bit there will be no service at all. They can have a farewell gathering after church if that is what they want to do. As for the people in the ALF, I hadn't thought about having something there. I would say since you are the one doing all the caregiving ask your mom, write it down and do what she wants. It really is her decision and not anyone else's.

My mom hesitates to have a "traditional" funeral, too, for similar reasons. She does recognize that the funeral is more for the people left behind than for any other reason and she's decided to have a fairly spartan of funerals so that people can come and catch-up with each other, at least. So, she's not doing a visitation or anything like that.

But if Mom had said she didn't want a funeral, we wouldn't do it. Her wishes are right in her will and she's pre-paid for what she wants. That way, if anyone felt they wanted something extra, they can pay for it out of their own pocket, but the little money she has left to leave us won't pay for any extras past what she's decided on.

If your mom doesn't want a funeral, she could do something similar - to pre-pay whatever burial and such that she wants and to say that that's all that's going to be covered by her and that she doesn't wish anything added-on to that.

My mom was reclusive during her life and there were no friends or family she was in touch with, especially in the difficult last 5 years of her life. Mostly the funeral consisted of her neighbors, my friends, and my husband's family. It was good though. I reconnected with a cousin my mother had lost touch with, who came.

My mom had definite ideas of what she wanted, and I followed them. It is the only thing I don't have to feel bad about, that I did everything, to the letter.

So if your mom never specified what she wanted, do what you think she would have liked.

What does/did your mother want for a funeral? Is any of her wishes written down? A traditional funeral is expensive, cremation is the less expensive, but ask your mother what she would like. Have you considered her other friends may be ill or cannot drive to see her or maybe dead? People react differently to visiting people in nursing homes. None of us would wish to be there when we are well, so consider all reasons why they do not visit. You only get one shot at this last act, so try to come to an agreement with your sister as to what you are going to do.

I can relate to the family not coming to see their "loved" ones or so they say. Our family refuses to come see their mother/ grandmother and they even drive by the house. Their mother/.grandmother even fell on purpose a year ago to get their attention that lasted for about 4 hours. but when she does pass away they will all be there with their hands out. As far as her funeral I would sit down with her and ask what she really wants write it down and id needed have it notarized
and then when the time does come she can have what she wants. My aunt went with a short memorial service about 2 hours closed casket with a even shorter service at the graveyard.

On the one hand, people do need closure and grieve in many different ways, but on the other hand, if they can't make the time to come for a visit while their mom is alive, and would really appreciate that visit, I say, why should your mom's estate shell out over $10,000 for a party after she's gone?
It makes more sense to throw a party now. And make absolutely sure, there are no travel expenditures. Unless someone is destitute they can afford to visit their MOM, for heaven's sake.

I'd ask your mom what kind of service she would want. After all, making sure her last wishes are met will be the last thing you can do for her. I agree that it is a shame that people don't visit more frequently. I see it all the time

My cousin told some other family members if they couldn't come around when our aunt was living, they didn't need to come later. Sounds as if your mother may agree with you about the private service, and you could always have a memorial service later for anyone outside the family who wanted to come. That should suit everyone.