My father and loving husband to my mother of almost 60 years recently passed away. He was in the hospital and came home on hospice care where he was surrounded with his immediate family and some grandchildren. I was devastating that we had to "talk my little brother into coming to see his father one last time". This was very hurtful to my mother, my older brother and myself. Not to mention my beautiful niece along with my little brothers separated wife of over 33 years. On his flight out his plane "somehow" was delayed and then canceled the evening before. Never gave us his itinerary information. The next day I had to call him 20 minutes after he landed and said, " um, did you land". He stayed a total of less than 30 hours, texting his "new found friend", the entire time he was here. Came in on Thursday morning and left Friday midday. My father passed the following Thursday and my mother and my other brother are so hurt by his lack of contact and his ability to now want to be around to support or be supported.
My parents have put my little brother up in their home on and off for two years while he was trying to figure out life. The provided money, shelter, unconditional love and the stability he needed. Practically gave them their expensive car and this feels like a slap in the face. He did not even call my mother they day he passed away.
My brother and I don't want anything to do with him are are really upset about the situation. I know we can't make him do anything or feel anyway and would not want to. Two of his children are not speaking with him and two of his adult children have never even called their grandmother when my father passed or since then. We all grew up super close and my parents have always been very loving, giving of time and laughter and graciously that I am perplexed by the behavior.
Can someone please assist with some kind words of encouragement.
Really hurt siblings.
Your brother sounds like a troubled soul.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Why not take the high road again by not cutting off ties with your brother? That will be just another loss in a whole mass of losses you have to deal with. And as we get older, they just pile up, one after another. I encourage you to think that over before making any final decision.
In the end, we can only be responsible for our own behavior and choices. I never would have been able to live with myself had I not attended *and organized* my own parents' funerals/memorial services. But that's me. Who knows? In his own mind, your brother may have some good reason for doing what he did. Maybe ask him. That may open up a whole new level of communication between the two of you and wind up healing some wounds in the process. And that would be a good thing.
Again, my condolences on your loss.
It will take time to figure this all out.
I didn't attend either of my parent's funerals, as they were held out-of-state and we just couldn't attend. Thank goodness none of my relatives stopped talking to me. They understood why I couldn't be there. That is why communication is so important.
Kindly
He took thousands upon thousands of dollars from my folks, either by simply walking off with things of value to pawn or (worst of all) talking them in to refinancing their home and 'investing' in his 'company'. Needless to say, he lost all that money and that was my parents' only asset.
Dad was disgusted with him. Mother protected him. It was just a mess, as these kind of family dynamics always are.
When daddy passed, OB had not seen him in months and months. We did not call OB when dad was in Hospice and dying. OB opted to not come to the funeral, nor to reach out to anyone. He wrote a self-serving 'talk' for the funeral that was not about daddy, but about himself and his 'genius'. It was to be read by the oldest grandson and he picked a couple of lines out of it and ignored the rest. It was stupid and thoughtless, and no, he shouldn't have done it, but you cannot control what others do.
He stayed away for a couple of years. I don't even know if I saw him again before he himself died, 10 years ago. I've blocked a lot of OB's existence from my mind.
Just continue on with your life and forget about brother. He sounds mentally ill and you can't fight or fix that.
While it's possible your brother just couldn't handle seeing your dad dying, it seems more likely that he simply doesn't 'do' emotions.
Take care of yourself and your family and try to forget about this thoughtless brother.
Appreciate you taking the time to show me not everyone is as supportive as one would think they could have been.
Do you know for a fact that his children even know your dad died? If not, call them and tell them, or pretend you don't know for sure and let them know how much Grandma would like to hear from them now. Beyond that, you can't control their behavior either.
Should their father or mother not reach out to them and asked if they have spoken to their grandmother?
Means a lot to have encouragement.
Should you be angry, hurt, disgusted? Absolutely. But you paint a picture of a person who has always behaved selfishly, who has been self-centered and entitled to the point of two of his own children refuse contact with him. So, I can't see where any of you are surprised by his behavior.
Look, I get it when you have a sibling who is so self-entitled and self-absorbed that it is actually something that makes you wonder how you and said sibling were even raised in the same household. I have a sister like that. Like you, we had to "talk her into" coming to our mother's bedside when she was dying. But unlike you, since she has always behaved in this manner and I know her for who she is, I was not in the least little bit surprised by her behavior. In fact, I actually would have been *shocked* if she had done anything else than what she actually did.
My other sister and I just got back from a vacation together, in which we played a game "what doesn't "L" know about our lives? For examples: she isn't aware that my oldest sister bought a new home in New Mexico, she doesn't know our brother-in-law had prostate cancer (with subsequent treatment), she doesn't know my daughter graduated from college, or had surgery, she doesn't know my son got a wonderful new job. She doesn't know because I just don't reach out to her anymore, because I got so sick of the dramatics, of the non-communication, of TRYING to maintain a relationship one-sided. I mostly did it to keep the drama from my mother's door when she was alive, but since my mom has passed away, I don't have to anymore!
I am very sorry for the loss of your father. I have no doubt your mother is grieving, and this estrangement on your brother's part is, I'm sure, making her grief that much tougher. Unfortunately, there's not much you will be able to do about that, other than to assure your mom that YOU and your other sibs will always be there for her, regardless of this brother's actions.
As for you and the rest of your sibs, you can set yourself free from your brother's issues as I have from my sister's. I don't hate her, I'm not even angry at her anymore; she just doesn't enter my radar except for before the 3 holidays we usually see her, and that suits me just fine. And if the day were to come that we didn't see each other the few hours 3 days a year, that would not leave any sort of hole in my life.
Meanwhile, nurture the relationships you have with your other siblings who give you love and support, and shake your brother's dust from your heels.
My father was truly loved and surrounded by his family when he passed and I will treasure that all of my days.
Kindly
My older brother and I have learned over the past several years to keep exposure and boundaries with him as those behaviours are in only his best interest.
Thank you for the healing and peace comment.
Your post has been endearing!