Should I have expected my brother to attend his loving father's funeral?

My older brother was a grade-A narcissist and a creep to boot.

He took thousands upon thousands of dollars from my folks, either by simply walking off with things of value to pawn or (worst of all) talking them in to refinancing their home and 'investing' in his 'company'. Needless to say, he lost all that money and that was my parents' only asset.

Dad was disgusted with him. Mother protected him. It was just a mess, as these kind of family dynamics always are.

When daddy passed, OB had not seen him in months and months. We did not call OB when dad was in Hospice and dying. OB opted to not come to the funeral, nor to reach out to anyone. He wrote a self-serving 'talk' for the funeral that was not about daddy, but about himself and his 'genius'. It was to be read by the oldest grandson and he picked a couple of lines out of it and ignored the rest. It was stupid and thoughtless, and no, he shouldn't have done it, but you cannot control what others do.

He stayed away for a couple of years. I don't even know if I saw him again before he himself died, 10 years ago. I've blocked a lot of OB's existence from my mind.

Just continue on with your life and forget about brother. He sounds mentally ill and you can't fight or fix that.

While it's possible your brother just couldn't handle seeing your dad dying, it seems more likely that he simply doesn't 'do' emotions.

Take care of yourself and your family and try to forget about this thoughtless brother.

I am sorry for your loss. Ingratitude is hard to witness, toward someone you know deserved better. That said, one thing that I've learned over the years, is that when someone behaves outside the norms of reasonable behavior, I am not obligated to reach an immediate conclusion about them, or accept or reject what they do (unless I want to). That's their problem, not mine. Silence can be misunderstood, but it can't be misquoted.

OpenBlanket, alas there are so many stories like yours. Maybe understandable if your parents were abusive or unkind. But you say yours provided unconditional love and stability so then why?

I've spent too many hours wracking my brain for the same reasons. Eventually you'll realize that some people are selfish, takers and are not worthy of your time or any energy trying to figure them out. My mom died seven years ago and it's taken me almost that long to finally stop wasting my time wondering why my sibs just were too self-centered to help or even act like they cared. They just are what they are. I was disillusioned initially but soon came to realize that I can only control who I am.

But you asked for encouragement? Be encouraged that you are kind and wise and that you can choose who you spend time and energy on. People like your brother will reap what they sow in the long time. Just continue being the good person that you are.

You will learn as you age that it takes too much energy to be mad. I have not seen my youngest brother since my Mom passed in 2017. I am tired of being the one that reaches out. I feel for your mother. Why is your brother so unfeeling? You may never know. Its so better not to expect from others. Except what they are willing to give. This maybe a little vengeful, I would not go out of my way for him. No loaning money etc.

My condolences over the loss of your father. We all have opinions on what others should do, and attending one's parents funeral is one of them. Obviously. Goes without saying. But your brother has different ideas, apparently, and his own way of doing things and then feeling okay with those decisions. You making a conscious decision to never speak to him again FOR the decisions he's made just leaves you with a void in your own life as a result. Mend fences in life, don't seek to create broken fences, that's my philosophy. Whether he was 'right' or 'wrong' doesn't matter, in the end, b/c he is the one who has to live with his decisions. You did the right thing by attending your father's funeral, so that's what is important in the grand scheme of things.

Why not take the high road again by not cutting off ties with your brother? That will be just another loss in a whole mass of losses you have to deal with. And as we get older, they just pile up, one after another. I encourage you to think that over before making any final decision.

In the end, we can only be responsible for our own behavior and choices. I never would have been able to live with myself had I not attended *and organized* my own parents' funerals/memorial services. But that's me. Who knows? In his own mind, your brother may have some good reason for doing what he did. Maybe ask him. That may open up a whole new level of communication between the two of you and wind up healing some wounds in the process. And that would be a good thing.

Again, my condolences on your loss.

My condolences on the passing of your father. To your question about expecting your brother to attend the funeral, in my opinion, no. Attending a funeral is a personal decision. Each of us makes our own decision on whether or not to attend. If his decision is different from yours then imho you should respect his decision and leave it at that. Youve got enough grief on your plate without adding anything more. If I were in your shoes I would focus on comforting your mom.

I am so sorry for you loss, and for your Mother's. As for your brother, you cannot change others. I would do what you can for your Mom now, and I would leave off causing any dissension by discussing this with either her or other siblings. That would distress your Mom further. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

I have a sibling who acted like a complete a** throughout the time my dad was on hospice until well after the funeral. Though I wasn’t shocked given his history, the degree to which his behavior went was just stunning. And yes, it was hurtful. But I had to quickly learn to forgive what he will ever ask forgiveness for, to let go of what will only bother me and never him, and to choose to move forward in a positive direction. Note I didn’t say it’s always easy. But I can’t drink the poison and expect him to die. In truth my sibling has always been a rude and selfish person, one I’ve learned to limit my exposure to and keep good boundaries with. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you healing and peace

To be perfectly blunt, in answer to your question "Should I have expected my brother to attend his loving father's funeral?" the answer, in my opinion, is no.

Should you be angry, hurt, disgusted? Absolutely. But you paint a picture of a person who has always behaved selfishly, who has been self-centered and entitled to the point of two of his own children refuse contact with him. So, I can't see where any of you are surprised by his behavior.

Look, I get it when you have a sibling who is so self-entitled and self-absorbed that it is actually something that makes you wonder how you and said sibling were even raised in the same household. I have a sister like that. Like you, we had to "talk her into" coming to our mother's bedside when she was dying. But unlike you, since she has always behaved in this manner and I know her for who she is, I was not in the least little bit surprised by her behavior. In fact, I actually would have been *shocked* if she had done anything else than what she actually did.

My other sister and I just got back from a vacation together, in which we played a game "what doesn't "L" know about our lives? For examples: she isn't aware that my oldest sister bought a new home in New Mexico, she doesn't know our brother-in-law had prostate cancer (with subsequent treatment), she doesn't know my daughter graduated from college, or had surgery, she doesn't know my son got a wonderful new job. She doesn't know because I just don't reach out to her anymore, because I got so sick of the dramatics, of the non-communication, of TRYING to maintain a relationship one-sided. I mostly did it to keep the drama from my mother's door when she was alive, but since my mom has passed away, I don't have to anymore!

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. I have no doubt your mother is grieving, and this estrangement on your brother's part is, I'm sure, making her grief that much tougher. Unfortunately, there's not much you will be able to do about that, other than to assure your mom that YOU and your other sibs will always be there for her, regardless of this brother's actions.

As for you and the rest of your sibs, you can set yourself free from your brother's issues as I have from my sister's. I don't hate her, I'm not even angry at her anymore; she just doesn't enter my radar except for before the 3 holidays we usually see her, and that suits me just fine. And if the day were to come that we didn't see each other the few hours 3 days a year, that would not leave any sort of hole in my life.

Meanwhile, nurture the relationships you have with your other siblings who give you love and support, and shake your brother's dust from your heels.

There will always be family members with whom we don’t agree. You can work yourself into a pretzel over their thoughtless, rude and outrageous behavior, but in the end, you’ve wasted a lot of energy for nothing. Stop tying yourself in knots over someone who couldn’t care less. With luck, you’ll never see or hear from him again. The close family wasn’t, and the glue that held it together is gone. Concentrate on the family and friends that you like and who treat you well. You’ll soon feel much happier!

I can offer words of my experience with a younger brother. Need to set the stage for this. My mother was a narcisisst. My brother is the youngest and her favorite child. He did no wrong in her eyes. Like dealing drugs out of her house.
Fast forward to when mom was living with us, end stage colon cancer. He could not handle her illness. He'd come visit, but spend the majority of his time hanging out with my then husband. I'd try to encourage my brother to spend more time with mom, which went nowhere.
After Mom passed he could not handle that at all. I'd rather not share what happened, it was really, really bad. But-through it all, I knew I'd done the best I could in an very difficult situation. I'd realized that it was utterly useless to try to deal with him, never said a bad word to him and let his behavior go. No need to try to make sense of it, to hope he'd get better, improve, grow up. It's ok, it really is, that he is who he is. Ain't my problem, I did not cause this, I can not fix this, life goes on. I want to enjoy what I have now-cause, this is all we got.

i send you hugs!!!

unfortunately, it’s in these tough moments that you see the true nature of people. people behave fine when things are ok, or when they’re getting something out of it.

when things get tough/inconvenient = watch how people behave.

you’ll see the true nature.

“My brother and I don't want anything to do with him”

totally understand you. i cut my brothers out of my life: i discovered they’re awful people.

i’m extreeeeeee (add more e’s) mely angry with my brothers. at the same time, maybe i should be very glad i discovered their true nature now. better know as soon as possible. i would have hated to live with an illusion/false reality of my brothers’ character/integrity/values.

my deepest condolences regarding your father.

hug!!!

Once you start down the road of thinking what other people "should" do, you're in trouble.

Your brother sounds like a troubled soul.

OpenBlanket, please be aware there are some people who will not attend a funeral, even for an immediate family member. That is the person's choice, and one must respect that.

I didn't attend either of my parent's funerals, as they were held out-of-state and we just couldn't attend. Thank goodness none of my relatives stopped talking to me. They understood why I couldn't be there. That is why communication is so important.

You can't control other people. That's what you have to tell yourself. There's really nothing else you can do.

Do you know for a fact that his children even know your dad died? If not, call them and tell them, or pretend you don't know for sure and let them know how much Grandma would like to hear from them now. Beyond that, you can't control their behavior either.