Should I give the AgingCare articles on Caregiver Burnout and Caregiver Depression to my elderly mother to read?

Some people are so ugly, mean, and hardhearted that you can't just love the devil out of them, but you must protect and respect yourself.

RebeccaLynn, your photo is a beautiful testament to stress. Very nice photo! I don't think there is anything wrong with your wanting to share some of your posts with your Mom, or even reading portions of what you have written to her as conversation starters. IF she can engage in such conversations, even if she doesn't find them helpful, they may be very therapeutic to you. I occasionally discuss and share some of my posts and related care content with my Mom and have enjoyed interesting discussions with her. She gets to ask why caregivers might feel certain ways and whether and how I feel, and I get to correlate it to how she may occasionally feel when she thinks too much about her health decline. Then again, it tales mature communication styles to do what you are wanting to do. GO for it! It says a lot about you that you wish to engage in a mature conversation or exchange with your Mom. It may not be perfect, but it may just be what the doctor ordered for you to share where it is most meaningful to you. Follow your heart, and know that I am rooting for you, whatever you decide. Hugs. Ours is not an easy road, and you are doing the very best you can. Your Mom has her own life issues to work out. In the meantime, you can try to better balance your emotions by sharing your thoughts gently with someone who knows you better than most,.

RebeccaLynn,

Your mother sounds like both my MIL and my Step Mother (SM just doesn't look right for shorthand). My wife's therapist had her write a letter to her mother about all of her feelings over all of the years to help her get it off her chest without having to endure the Wrath of Kan by actually sending it to her or telling her about because neither of them are rational for they each act like God droped dead and left them in charge. If they were God and in charge, then all men would be slaves and I'm not kidding.

See Crowe, that's where we differ. There is NO way I would write a letter and just throw it away. Nope, I'd read it to the old lady and be prepared to fight. But first I'd wait till I already felt like biting the heads off nails, then I'd face her down. Now THAT sounds therapeutic to me!

naheaton,

Yes, this is different and I was sharing how one person dealt with it. Just exploading in a person's face in person doesn't mean you really have gotten it all out or changed them, but that you have inflicted and eye for an eye and I might be entirely wrong but to wait until you feel like biting the heads off nails sounds almost like a micro second from that understandable rage and anger just letting loose like a volcano and nailing her head with physical abuse as well. I've know thereapists who've advized people to do the letter thing and work through the anger with them instead of facing the parent in their elderly weaked years for this very reason, and I've witnessed a person who's written such a letter get on such a role they've told me in my house they then knew exactly how they wanted their mother to die and how much suffering they would cause it to be before the final moment of death. At that point, I knew they were a danger to others and got them out of there. Eventually they worked through that stuff and burried that lengthy manuscipt as a symbolic way of saying she'd gotton it out and was not going to continue empowering the victimizer by holding on to it until the victimizer changed which frankly was never going to happen.

Anyhow, we all see things differently and we all have our own opinions. It's a tough call, but I think also there was an important point in one scene out of Star Wars where Luke Skywalker started to become like his father Darth Vader when he began to act like him.

BTW, I'm just now getting in touch with a lot of my own anger in its fullest sense and it's tough dealing with but it's not quite as on a raw razor sharp edge, but it comes out in little unexpected places where such an amount of anger or disgust is a bit over the top. Some people, but I guess not all people find it helpful to write all of their emotions out.

I've had such a hard time dealing with my own anger that just getting fully in touch with it has been very difficult. Writing? That only worked to the degree that I wrote some poetry that would have made Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street sound like a saint. Talking? Could not get very there. In the last 5 years, I have found that I can create a movie in my laptop with microsoft movie maker, put in my transitional statements, modify the visual's, add captions to items, put it on a thumb drive and take it to therapy with me. Then, my therapist and I watch it together which helps him grasp what I want to say and me to get around to actually saying it. It's for my well being that I"m working on this because those who contributed to it never have nor ever will grasp anyone else's emotions or feelings but their own. However, if I wait for them to change then I'm empowering them to keep me in bondage by what they did instead of me working on now of taking these people off of my hook and put them on God's hook to deal with which frankly is not that easy to do as say or type.

I recently told my tantruming mom (my daughter-in-law said she should be put in "time out") that others were worried about my health and well-being and she ignored me. When I asked if she understood what I was saying, she said "yes" and went on with her physical problems. She is too self-focused to look outside except when I try to distance myself. Then the guilt talks begin. It's so hard to let it go and I've come up with a technique that seems to work - I saw a brick wall and imagined all that negativity and mom issues hidden behind it, then distracted myself. "Hitting the wall", in this instance, is a GOOD THING!

Yes, my mother does not want to hear about how her situation has negatively affected my life or my serenity. She just gets ugly and says something along the lines of 'Oh poor you!" I was shocked at her reaction at first, but then stopped trying to get any sympathy from her . . . she says she appreciates me, but her actions say something else. It is definitely hurtful, but I get over it. I know in my heart that I have given up my life for her, and have done the best job of caregiving as I knew how; unfortunately, this is not a job where we receive much praise or reward, only those we give ourselves. Though getting praise is not why we are in this job, we are used to a certain amount of pats on the back in the form of raises, promotions, atta-boys, or general fulfillment. That is where taking care of ourselves comes into play, at least for me. I reward myself with a long, hot bath or getting my hair done, etc. Hang in there, remember why we have chosen or been appointed as caregiver and be good to yourself, tell yourself positive things and try to look pretty even when you do not feel it. It's a tough job, no doubt about it, but we are doing a very good thing for our loved one and our hearts are in the right place. Feel good that you have given of yourself when nobody else would. :)

Rebecca Lynn, I have often thought of taking my mom here to read about what caregiver burnout is all about, just to help her understand why I am sometimes angry. I held off doing it in fear that it may cause her to be more depressed. Her biggest fear is losing me to be there for her, but I think I have convinced her that someone has got to be hired to come in to do the duties now, as I am not sure if I can keep doing it. My mom has needed my help now for 8 yrs. I spend my time on here for support, and I have now been reading lots of books too, I think the bottom line is to seek out support from the outside for help. There are plenty of agencies out there that offer help for the elderly. For months my sister and I both have been trying to talk mom into assisted living. She has gotten angry, and has lashed out at both of us. It is so extremely hard to deal with when you are feeling burnout. Please take time for yourself. I recently went back to work last fall, and I am there 3 times a day doing medications, and taking her to blood test every weekend. I still feel bound and tied to her. Taking time for yourself is very important. So please look to the outside for help. Mom is now going to Adult Day Care Services 2 times a week, and that has helped a lot for her to be around other people. I have not read all the blogs yet. but I will be back. I feel this website has been very helpful for support! So good to know there is a place to go so you don't feel alone!