Should I give the AgingCare articles on Caregiver Burnout and Caregiver Depression to my elderly mother to read?

Why feed coal to the fire dear? You've said she's already negative, critical, and has no idea what you've given up to care for her. Do you really think reading something in black and white will make her realize.

That's just my opinion, I'm sure others will have others but please keep us posted on what you decide to do.

I am curious as to what type of relationship you've had with your mom in the past.

I hope this helps and I'll be watching to see what happens. By the way, what magazines are those from, I'd like to read it for myself. Perhaps I could find them on line.

Just read your profile, should have read before I posted. Just want to tell you that you're not alone in feeling unappreciated, we all feel the same way. Losing your mind, yep we've been there too.

So as others start to add to your post just want to welcome you and assure you that you've come to the right place for help. We're here for you, I know I couldn't have gotten through my ordeal without the wonderful people that I've connected with on this site.

Thanks for the welcome Pamela. To answer your questions, my mother and I never had a close relationship. My sister who is 7 yrs. older than I, was, and still is, the perfect one. She lives about 100 miles away, so she gets a get out of jail free card for any caregiving. Oh and before I forget, the website I found those articles on was helpguide.org
As for giving them to my mom, I hear what you're saying and that was what I was afraid of. But on the other hand, since I can't have a discussion with her, I thought maybe this was the next best thing. hmmm

Hello RebeccaLynn, Welcome! I've been dealing with a negative mom, also. She always was, but I didn't realize how much until I became her caregiver. Then things got incredibly awful! It was a nightmare, and we were her hostages for over two years. My mom doesn't care how she affects anyone, only how they affect her. She would never see herself as part of the problem. Never. And if she were to run across an article, she just wouldn't take the hint. She has Personality Disorders, and it's not nice to be around her. We're glad not to be her caregivers anymore. But fortunately, we help look out for our dad's interests. We are privileged to be a part of their lives. Hope you find some encouragement here, and answers. Bless you!

Hi RebeccaLynn, I'm sure you'll enjoy the helpful posts here. A lot of SecretSister's story can describe mine too. Never got along with mom and caring for her was the worst nightmare ever. Too much closeness with a person I couldn't ever in one lifetime be close to. We've since parted company (long, very ugly story). I have one of those "pefect" sisters too. Lives across country, I'll give her a pass for that, only sees the mom every 3-4yrs and never once offered me/my family any help or thanks.
I agree that the articles probably won't go over as you'd like. Moms like these never think they apply to them because it's always someone else's fault. But you know your mom better than we do and if you think it'll help, go for it.
I wish you the best. Taking care of a negative parent is a challenge.

Hi, Rebecca Lynn--I tend to think that it wouldn't do you any good to show your mother those articles on caregiver burnout and depression. She may in fact become defensive and angry, rather than sympathetic toward you. The problem I ran into when my elderly mother was alive was the frustration I felt that my mother could not see my point of view about certain things-----when formerly she would have. It was as if her mind and personality were being affected by the aging process, and this was difficult and saddening to see. Because in her earlier life she had been very composed and rational thinking. I don't know what is the case with your mother.....but chances are that showing her the articles wouldn't help, and may make matters worse. A healthy thing for you to do is come on here and express yourself to the other caregivers here, who DO sympathize and understand. Oh yeah, by the way, I sympathize with you and want you to know I think you're doing the best job you can for your mother under the circumstances! I say you're a good daughter to your Mom!

REB:

You've come to that fork on the road; now take it! Give her the articles to read and brace for impact. Since you don't know how she'll interpret them, try anticipating her moves. Refuse to be abused, but do it respectfully. Good luck, and welcome to the family.

-- ED

I like what you wrote, Mr. Viera, about her being at a fork in the road. Some people don't understand respect. And it can be near impossible dealing with an unreasonable person, so how things are handled depends upon who we are dealing with, and who we are, don't you think? Women have a tendency to operate differently than men. And mom's often treat their sons with more respect than they do their daughters, from my perspective. Of coarse, that's a huge generalization, so doesn't apply in all scenarios. Either a mother and daughter get along, or they do not, from my experience and observation. What many of us need here, is advice about how to treat ourselves well, when our mothers do not treat us well. We so lack loving guidance, and have been trained to accept criticism, that it can be very disabling. It's hard to be respectful towards an abusive mother, in my opinion, though we try, but often end of being taken advantage of. What daughters in this situation need, is both permission to care for ourselves, and instruction in dealing with a difficult mom. Some may even need protection from an abusive mother.

I'm so glad I came to this site !! Every comment I've received has been invaluable. I'm leaning towards not showing her the articles, although, what edvierajr said kind of makes me think that I should just go for it !!
I've always been the empath in my family, sometimes to a fault, and I internalize everything. I hate conflict , so I avoid it, but in doing so, I am hurting myself.
When my husband slipped and told my mother that I was struggling with depression, she started hounding me about it, and then she started telling me that I had lost my mind.
I guess i was thinking that this is my way of giving her the information and letting her get out of it what she will. I'm still the frightened insecure child that I've always been so I thought of this as taking a step towards respecting myself enough to stand up to her.
I so appreciate everyone's input and I'll be sure to let you know what I decide to do. Any other comments are definitely welcome.

My situation is a flip to this situation. My mother has always been abusive to me, taken advantage of me and never there for me.
For the past year I have been the caregiver for both my parents, moved into their condo in Florida with them, leaving my home and grown children in Georgia.
The flip is...now my mother is so appreciative, supportive of me and what I am doing. Has verbally told me how she never knew me and is so proud of having me for her daughter. Tells everyone how lucky she is. She tries to help me help them. She gets soooo excited when I get a chance to go out for fun...maybe more excited than I am. My brother is in Ohio and doesn't even call..free pass. He was her golden boy and now she is really hurt by him. She was an only child and spoiled. She was Miss Guam and a model when younger.
Now she is a mess and wondering what happened. She feels I am the best thing that ever happened and is sorry that she wasn't a good mother to me. We are now having the good mother/daughter relationship we never had....getting to meet the person we never knew before. Sure she sometimes goes into that princess mode, but now she sees herself doing it and fights it. She will never change, but now she sees herself doing it and doesn't like herself then. Just thought I would share this transformation of a mother/daughter relationship. Too bad it had to take this situation to make it happen... we have been blessed that it did. When she dies I will be broken hearted and that isn't how it was a year ago.

Hi Rebeccalynn, I have been a caregiver to my mother for the last 14 years(she has MS), and I know exactly how you feel. I am the youngest son of four children, and my brothers and sisters are the "perfect ones" that can do no wrong. and I too have been the victim of negative comments and negative attitude from my mother. But what I had to understand is that our relationship changed a long time ago, I stopped being the child, and became the extension of herself that she was when she was healthy. It may not be you that she is attacking, but herself for being in the dependent situation that she is in.I have learned that she cannot understand what she is doing to me, without feeling that she is responsible for my decision to take care of her, and guilt turns to anger, and then it is taken out on me.So you see, it becomes a vicious cycle, and nothing gets resolved. Just understand that you are the most important person in her life and when she needs someone to help her physically and emotionally, you are her rock. There are many outside resources to help you, try to step away and take moments for yourself, take time to write down how you feel by entering it into a journal, or take a quiet walk for a half an hour. These things have helped me immensely, and I hope I have been helpful, we are here for each other. I hope my suggestion finds you and your mother well.

Of course not.

Rebecca Lynn,
We grow up a lot when we start seeing them for who they are, and start disentangling ourselves from them emotionally. Yes, they can hurt our feelings, but we can forgive. We grow as we seek affirming friends outside of our abusive relationship with our mother. You don't have to blame her for your depression, and don't have to stay there. You have already taken a positive step in sharing your feelings here. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone, and that many people feel the same as you. Isn't that empowering? Now, I give you permission to nurture you own precious spirit, and take care of your emotions. I'm wishing you a blessed day, and praying for you. While this doesn't make all things perfect, you can still experience the peace that passes understanding, and draw your strength from God. He will lead and guide you, in your responses toward your mom, and in caring for yourself, as you are dealing with difficulties. Here to support you in prayer and read as you vent. Hope that is encouraging to you! In spite of your mom, her attitudes, and the circumstances, I pray your day is blessed!

Hi rebecca lynn -- yep you've come to the right site. As others have said, you may or may not show those articels to your mom. After weighing the pros & cons, the ball is in your hands. I will leave it all up to you. Just let us know what happened. I will quickly share mine here, I showed a similar book to my mom dealing with the stress that elderly parents bring to their middle-age kid. She skimmed the pages for like 5-7 minutes then placed the book on her bed, got up, asked for fruit juice and never bothered to read it again! ^_^ after a few days I asked her again if she understands it, she just nodded and did something else again. She zipped her mouth & left me wondering if she fully understands me or not. After 18 yrs of caregiving for her, at some point, you will learn to act intuitively, & by this ability you learn to avoid useless confrontation that will most often never be resolved. SO why stress yourself... U will come to that point when u know this is what you can give, this is up to this point only. beyond that, let your parent do what she wants to do, yet there won't be guilt on your part anymore. After all, we are all operating on medical financial triage... resources are finite, money is finite, we have our limitations, our time is limited, our patience & vitality is all drained. Let's practice triage. conserve for our own sake whatever is left of us. And re-charge please. it's not bad to distance yourself so u can recharge. don't feel guilty about it. Keep us posted what is ur decision and how ur mom took it? We're here for u.

Welcome RebeccaLynn - to a club we all would rather not be in. In my case, I think articles would just inflame my mother. I do not find i can discuss things with her either, but the past few years I have been stating (not for discussion) my needs and limitations more that I did before (see crecent comments in my post "Does anyone care for a borderline personality parent? Do you have any tips for helping them?").This I often do by email as she lives in another city and sometimes face to face.

You say " I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think it's her fault, but i think she should know how this affects me." I do agree - absolutely - and while it may not be her "fault" she does bear some responsibility in the situation. Your feelings are as important as hers. Self centered, negative people usually have no idea how they affect others and I think only you can tell her that. Those of us who were brought up by a negative critical parent have been "trained" to put the needs/feelings of others before our own. Breaking out of that is hard but can be done and really needs to be done for our emotional health and even our physical and.spiritual health. There is excellent support here. Wishing you all the success possible in your situation, You are worth it!

Well said mhmarfil!

TimmyK,
Oh my gosh, I thought you were talking about my mother-in-law for a minute. She was a career working woman all her life, but I on the other hand would've rather watched the grass grow than punch a time clock. Because of that difference, she was always critical of me and the choices my husband (her youngest son) and I have made in our marriage. While I wanted to stay home with our son, she was always gone at work. BUT now that she's without her vision ( for the most part) her husband of 60 years, and her independence, she is nothing but grateful for what I can do for her. The fact that I don't have to punch that stupid time clock, is now an attribute to her.
She never stops telling me how much she appreciates what I do for her and we finally have a great relationship.
And she too is thrilled when I just pick her up in my car just for the heck of it, and let her do errands with me. We see movies, shop, walk the parks etc. and she loves it. Suddenly the choices I made at a younger age makes her happy now when it directly affects her.
On the flip side, my own mother gets ticked off that I do so much with her. She remembers how I was treated in the old days by m-i-l and resents my being so nice. But I think it's water under the bridge, and who cares at this point in her life? I'm not keeping score (but my mom is) oh well...

Oh yeah I almost forgot the reason I started reading this thread, to
RebeccaLynn, If I were you, I would ask her to read the articles you printed out, and tell her you want her opinion (that always gets them).
Ask her what she would do if she were the person writing the article.
What advice does she have for someone who is taking care of a negative and ungrateful person? I would see if she can look outside of herself for the moment, and see it from another persons perspective. Well... I'd at least give it a try. It's all in the presentation. Good luck with that.

naheaton - you are right about asking their opinion. Good strategy!!!

Naheaton your MIL is lucky to have a DIL like you. You are lucky to have the company too.

I use to try to get mom to go to the movies with me, before she got sick, and she use to say she couldn't sit for long periods of time. Our outings would be to go to the market. I use to laugh at her when she'd drive those motorized market scooters to shop because she'd run into everything (before she had the stroke). Now when I'm marketing and see a senior citizen on one I often wish my mom was still in the condition to drive one.

Got a little off the subject here, just thought I would plant that thought while it was there.

Wow when reading this I could have written it. My sister can do no wrong. My sister live 2000 miles away has Mom for a short visit yet feels she knows all the answers. Tells me over the phone how I should handle things. She does not have the time to help our mother as it would interfear with her life. My mother has not a clue how I feel , if she did she would not care. I was always the black sheep until now. When my Momis there all they do is shop, my mom has so much now I dread the next trip when she comes back as I don't know where to put any more. Just know you are not alone. Tired

Pamela6148, those electric scooters that I see so many old people riding, are the best thing for getting thru the crowd at Disneyland. I try to find either one of those, or a stroller to follow. It's like the parting of the red sea! Awesome.

LOL, nah...~watch out everyone!

Hi Rebecca Lynn, Sorry you're in this "no win" situation. I'm sorry we're ALL in this situation. I don't think it would do any harm to let her read the articles...but if she is anything like my Mom, it won't do any good either. Whenever my Mom is confronted with evidence of any wrongdoing she simply says, "Well you know I'm not in my right mind!" "I can't help it". So the blame goes right back to me for bringing it up. The only thing that has helped me is to "take the high road" and tell myself she really has a problem. I started something a few months ago that really seems to work. Mom wants me to be wherever she is in the house (same room). When she starts acting up I ask her to please stop or I'm leaving the room. If she doesn't stop I go to another room in the house for about a half hour. I kept repeating this to show her I do not have to tolerate her behavior and if she wants to act that way, she can be all by herself. After a few days she improved dramatically!! It's kind of like giving your kids a time out.
However please have at least one day a week for yourself. Get someone else to watch Mom and take the day to do whatever makes you happy. You need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.

Wow, like rewarding them for good behavior, and visa versa. Talk about reverse psychology. Many parents did that to us at one time.

If someone is negative, you will never change them. It might be really cathartic printing them out, why not share them with someone who will understand and appreciate you for it - what you need is a hug. You will never change your family, sad to say.

There is an old saying - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You aren't crazy, but you are a caregiver and we tend to try the same things over & over too .....so - welcome to the club...get what validation you can from the articles, hang on sites like this and look for someone that will give you a real hug and appreciate what you do. Best advice I can give from experience is to ignore those who don't cherish you and keep smiling. The more you laugh & smile the healthier and happier you will feel, so even if you have to push yourself, don't stay down - you have to ask yourself every day "what do I need to nurture myself & keep on going" - because ultimately the only one who can truly care for you is yourself. Its not easy whether your family is dysfuntional - or your family knows how to put the fun in dysfunctional. So be kind to yourself & be well -

I took care of my mother alone in her apartment for five years. Then she started falling down in the apartment, trying to wander off at night, etc., and I was burned out. That was last September and she still does not understand why she is in the nursing home, and does not understand why I thought I felt like I was burned out. The hardest part of the time I was caring for her was when she had a boyfriend that she insisted on seeing every day, even after he went downhill with Alzheimers, and would not move so we could be closer to the rest of my family. I do visit her a lot in the nursing home, but I am letting the nurses and workers do all the caregiving and responsibilty for all of the problems she has. And she still does not understand why she can't have all her things back and have me take care of her again alone. To make matters worse, one big item of her property is missing, her rosewood upright electric piano that cost about $3,000, which may have been stolen by a grandchild. She is aware enough that she does ask about her property. What is really sad is she used to be a concert pianist and now no piano. How do I deal with trying to explain this away to her at the nursing home when I go to visit every day?

Find out who stole the piano and report this information to the police. This is not a small insignificant item.. it is theft...a crime.

RebeccaLynn,

If you would like a name for it, you could call it life on the border. From the sounds of your story, as well as the mom stories of Sis, and AlwaysMyDuty, I don't think it would be posible to have the kind of rational conversation with her usiing something printed from here.

I do think though that it would be reasonable to make some I statements about your feelings. To say things about our emotions like 'you make me so angry or _____" tends to put people on the defensive, but saying 'I am angry or tired or upset or worried about ___ is more of a statement of fact as well as ownership of your own feelings. This is some rather tough teritory to cover and I think I'd get some more immediately available help to venture into that part of not walking on eggshells.

I agree with the other daughters, it would be pointless to say anything. You'll just confirm to her, that you're "crazy" and she'll rival in it.
I am another daughter of a crazy mother that believes the world owes them a living. She is truely hateful and ugly and sometimes I'm convinced that she is the devil.