Should I feel obligated to take my mother out of memory care to drive her to her brother's funeral 3 hrs away?

If it was me…..I will not do that. I,will tell her what’s going on and explain how you feel about the situation. .

Nope. Not cold-hearted. ❤

She wouldn’t remember it 5 minutes later. They don’t realize how bad shape your Mom’s in . They sound like the selfish ones since they weren’t interested in your Mom! Hugs 🤗

This is what I would do and why.

If your Mom is in Memory care, a 3 hour trip is too much for her. They do not do well in unfamiliar places. It can cause anxiety. Even in my Moms early stages, she was only good outside of the house for about an hour and wanted to go home. She got overwhelmed in Church and that was a familiar place.

Just think 3 hrs on the road with an incontinent person. You have to stop and change her in a strange place. Then for 3 hrs home. A hotel stay would probably not work. Then all these strange people. She will have no idea who they are. Me, I would not even try it. Even if it was local, I would not put her through it.

I can understand why you do not want to call these relatives. But think your putting the cart before the horse. Yes, I think they could have texted you what they needed to ask but they didn't. So, I would call this person. Apologize that you didn't contact her earlier but you are getting over a bad bout of COVID. Then ask why she called. Then tell her that Mom has Dementia and is in Memory Care. That she can no longer answer questions because her memory is pretty much gone. Answer as much as you can. Tell them you will try with Mom and get back to them IF she does remember but u doubt she will. If your asked if she will attend the funeral just say sorry no. Besides you getting over COVID, she is not able to travel that far and if she did, nor would she know anyone if she went. The whole trip would be too much for her.

If asked for her address or phone just say anything they want to send her can be sent to you. Since she is incapable of using a phone, she doesn't have one. They can call you if its something important.

Out of curiosity, I would want to know what they want. Since you don't seem to want a relationship with them, the word NO should be easy to say.

No, is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.

You return the call, you say "My mother has dementia now and is unable to attend a service. I'm so sorry."

End of conversation.

You are making a GOOD decision for your mother, by not subjecting her to the trauma of such a trip.

You are a GOOD child for making a decision in the best interest of her mental and physical state.

GOOD FOR YOU! 👏👏

My mother's brother died last year. She always maintained that she was 'extremely close' to him, and actually grieved when he got ill and could no longer travel. She fussed and fussed about this, so I showed her the way we could fly her to OR, spend one night in a Marriott which was ON the premises of the AL apartment he lived in with his wife and then the return flight. We would have been gone less than 24 hours, all told.

Once the 'problem' was solved, she had no interest in going--she just wanted to talk about her beloved brother. (To whom she had not spoken in about 5 years).

He did pass and she didn't even acknowledge his death. She wouldn't even send a card to his widow b/c she hated her so much.

I stepped in and sent a small planter to my aunt with mother's name on it. A little lie, but I know my aunt appreciated it.

Mom didn't know I sent the plant. The TK note came to my house. The last thing my aunt needed was another reminder that my mother hated her.

Sometimes people really DON'T want to attend the funeral. They feel more comfortable complaining about the fact that going would be troublesome.

I don't have a full answer, but I do have a part answer, and of course, it's just an opinion from someone out there on the internet - The responsibility for taking her to the event (if that's even advisable as per her doctor and MC staff/administrator, it may not be) is really just to your Mother - 'Do you think this is something she would want?' As age and condition may have impaired her ability to answer, it may be for you to speculate if this is what she would have wanted if she had her full abilities - but even if you think she would have wanted to, her current condition is still a factor. The only thing, in my opinion, you owe to her brother's family is a polite delivery of your answer (with or without attendance) along with 'I am sorry for your loss'. If you do decide not to go, saying 'I am sorry she cannot attend because of her current condition in memory care' is perfectly acceptable to say, because it might end up being the truth. (but it's a polite and reasonable thing to say, even if it isn't the truth)

Are you Mom's POA. I would simply pick the phone number most appropriate, call and be nice as you can be.
Tell them that due to the lack of communication in the last half decade they are likely unaware that Mom is now in memory care. And that you are sorry for their loss.
And of COURSE she shouldn't have to go to any funeral. The dead don't care. As Undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch observes, once we are dead there is nothing you can do WITH us, TO us, ABOUT us, or FOR us.
Wish them luck and then move on.
I can't imagine why so many are trying so hard to reach an estranged person. Could just be being nice and want to be reassured that Mom knows her brother is gone. But also could be some thing with dying intestate and money moving to brothers and sisters, in which case Mom's POA would have to act for her in collecting funds. Some states have laws where money is divided between siblings when there are no parents, no issue, etc.
Best out to you and I hope you will update us and tell us how it went for you.

Last year my mother's last remaining sibling died of Covid during the height of the pandemic. My mom had not seen her sibling in a number of years and they weren't very close. One of my cousins called her notified her and she went to pieces. The funeral was going to be two states (a 12 hour drive) away and there was no way my mom could have made the trip. Thankfully, my cousin decided not to have a funeral and called my mother after they buried her sibling etc. Other than the advice offered here I would just tell them honestly.

"Mother is in memory care and the trip to attend the funeral would be too stressful on both of us". End of story.

Me, I'd ignore the whole bunch, you have no responsibility to do anything. Easy to say, "Mother is in Memory Care and can no longer travel". Done!

To clarify; why did your Aunt call the police? Please tell me if wasn't just to get a message to an estranged family member.

" the whole situation sounds incredible stressful for me as the one that would have to drive/manage her 3 hours each way, and she likely wouldn't remember the entire thing a week after it's over."

Your misgivings are your internal warning system telling you to NOT do this.

Who cares WHAT your aunt (whom you've never even met!) thinks about your and your mother's attendance at someone's attendance whom you and your mother were estranged from? And what about the cousin who called you -- have you been estranged from cousins, also?

Beatty wrote: "3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you."

She is so right. Add up all the time and stress. How could it possibly be worth it?

Good heavens, you've got a *heck* of a long way ahead of yourself!

The family wants your mother to know that her brother has passed away. And you're already gearing yourself up to withstand pressure to take your mother on an arduous journey to the funeral of a man she had latterly had nothing to do with, and from whom you've been estranged for most of your adult life. [Any reason for that, by the way? Just wondering, forgive me if I'm prying.]

Call your cousin's wife and explain politely that your mother's health makes it impossible for her to undertake the journey plus the service, it would be too much for her. Arrange for your mother to send flowers and condolences to the family. The End.

Just tell them that mom is too sick to go.

Its the truth. Because in truth, she couldn’t handle a six hour round trip plus hours of socializing with dozens of people.

I would attend only virtually by video, or better yet would ask them to send pictures of the people at the event as opposed to the event. I don’t know that you even have to tell mom anything other than brother had a party and went on a trip. Why make someone grieve for something she won’t remember?

Hmmm....you know what's best for you and your mom. Don't do that to yourself or your mom. No long drives, no extra stress. Not know that your sister is in memory care? I'm not fond of them either.

A former colleague of my mother’s was in a memory care unit. First a grandchild (teen) was killed in an accident and then a child (over 50 adult) of hers died from cancer. In both instances, the family chose not to tell her. Her surviving child said it seemed cruel to tell her during one of the rare lucid moments she had. They didn’t want her overwhelmed with grief.

If you told her already, How is your mom processing it?

I would tell your extended family of the situation and that attendance for either of you just isn’t feasible.

I don’t think you’re being cold hearted. I’m in my 50s and have been estranged from my two abusive siblings for five plus years now. I have accepted the fact that we will never reconcile and their celebrations and sorrows are not mine.

3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you.

Wild horses could not drag me through that... Not even wild horses threatening me with bodily harm.

Do what is best for your Mother's care needs. With ZERO guilt.