Should I feel obligated to take my mother out of memory care to drive her to her brother's funeral 3 hrs away?

3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you.

Wild horses could not drag me through that... Not even wild horses threatening me with bodily harm.

Do what is best for your Mother's care needs. With ZERO guilt.

A former colleague of my mother’s was in a memory care unit. First a grandchild (teen) was killed in an accident and then a child (over 50 adult) of hers died from cancer. In both instances, the family chose not to tell her. Her surviving child said it seemed cruel to tell her during one of the rare lucid moments she had. They didn’t want her overwhelmed with grief.

If you told her already, How is your mom processing it?

I would tell your extended family of the situation and that attendance for either of you just isn’t feasible.

I don’t think you’re being cold hearted. I’m in my 50s and have been estranged from my two abusive siblings for five plus years now. I have accepted the fact that we will never reconcile and their celebrations and sorrows are not mine.

Hmmm....you know what's best for you and your mom. Don't do that to yourself or your mom. No long drives, no extra stress. Not know that your sister is in memory care? I'm not fond of them either.

Just tell them that mom is too sick to go.

Its the truth. Because in truth, she couldn’t handle a six hour round trip plus hours of socializing with dozens of people.

I would attend only virtually by video, or better yet would ask them to send pictures of the people at the event as opposed to the event. I don’t know that you even have to tell mom anything other than brother had a party and went on a trip. Why make someone grieve for something she won’t remember?

Good heavens, you've got a *heck* of a long way ahead of yourself!

The family wants your mother to know that her brother has passed away. And you're already gearing yourself up to withstand pressure to take your mother on an arduous journey to the funeral of a man she had latterly had nothing to do with, and from whom you've been estranged for most of your adult life. [Any reason for that, by the way? Just wondering, forgive me if I'm prying.]

Call your cousin's wife and explain politely that your mother's health makes it impossible for her to undertake the journey plus the service, it would be too much for her. Arrange for your mother to send flowers and condolences to the family. The End.

" the whole situation sounds incredible stressful for me as the one that would have to drive/manage her 3 hours each way, and she likely wouldn't remember the entire thing a week after it's over."

Your misgivings are your internal warning system telling you to NOT do this.

Who cares WHAT your aunt (whom you've never even met!) thinks about your and your mother's attendance at someone's attendance whom you and your mother were estranged from? And what about the cousin who called you -- have you been estranged from cousins, also?

Beatty wrote: "3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you."

She is so right. Add up all the time and stress. How could it possibly be worth it?

To clarify; why did your Aunt call the police? Please tell me if wasn't just to get a message to an estranged family member.

Me, I'd ignore the whole bunch, you have no responsibility to do anything. Easy to say, "Mother is in Memory Care and can no longer travel". Done!

Last year my mother's last remaining sibling died of Covid during the height of the pandemic. My mom had not seen her sibling in a number of years and they weren't very close. One of my cousins called her notified her and she went to pieces. The funeral was going to be two states (a 12 hour drive) away and there was no way my mom could have made the trip. Thankfully, my cousin decided not to have a funeral and called my mother after they buried her sibling etc. Other than the advice offered here I would just tell them honestly.

"Mother is in memory care and the trip to attend the funeral would be too stressful on both of us". End of story.

Are you Mom's POA. I would simply pick the phone number most appropriate, call and be nice as you can be.
Tell them that due to the lack of communication in the last half decade they are likely unaware that Mom is now in memory care. And that you are sorry for their loss.
And of COURSE she shouldn't have to go to any funeral. The dead don't care. As Undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch observes, once we are dead there is nothing you can do WITH us, TO us, ABOUT us, or FOR us.
Wish them luck and then move on.
I can't imagine why so many are trying so hard to reach an estranged person. Could just be being nice and want to be reassured that Mom knows her brother is gone. But also could be some thing with dying intestate and money moving to brothers and sisters, in which case Mom's POA would have to act for her in collecting funds. Some states have laws where money is divided between siblings when there are no parents, no issue, etc.
Best out to you and I hope you will update us and tell us how it went for you.

I don't have a full answer, but I do have a part answer, and of course, it's just an opinion from someone out there on the internet - The responsibility for taking her to the event (if that's even advisable as per her doctor and MC staff/administrator, it may not be) is really just to your Mother - 'Do you think this is something she would want?' As age and condition may have impaired her ability to answer, it may be for you to speculate if this is what she would have wanted if she had her full abilities - but even if you think she would have wanted to, her current condition is still a factor. The only thing, in my opinion, you owe to her brother's family is a polite delivery of your answer (with or without attendance) along with 'I am sorry for your loss'. If you do decide not to go, saying 'I am sorry she cannot attend because of her current condition in memory care' is perfectly acceptable to say, because it might end up being the truth. (but it's a polite and reasonable thing to say, even if it isn't the truth)

My mother's brother died last year. She always maintained that she was 'extremely close' to him, and actually grieved when he got ill and could no longer travel. She fussed and fussed about this, so I showed her the way we could fly her to OR, spend one night in a Marriott which was ON the premises of the AL apartment he lived in with his wife and then the return flight. We would have been gone less than 24 hours, all told.

Once the 'problem' was solved, she had no interest in going--she just wanted to talk about her beloved brother. (To whom she had not spoken in about 5 years).

He did pass and she didn't even acknowledge his death. She wouldn't even send a card to his widow b/c she hated her so much.

I stepped in and sent a small planter to my aunt with mother's name on it. A little lie, but I know my aunt appreciated it.

Mom didn't know I sent the plant. The TK note came to my house. The last thing my aunt needed was another reminder that my mother hated her.

Sometimes people really DON'T want to attend the funeral. They feel more comfortable complaining about the fact that going would be troublesome.

You are making a GOOD decision for your mother, by not subjecting her to the trauma of such a trip.

You are a GOOD child for making a decision in the best interest of her mental and physical state.

GOOD FOR YOU! 👏👏

You return the call, you say "My mother has dementia now and is unable to attend a service. I'm so sorry."

End of conversation.

This is what I would do and why.

If your Mom is in Memory care, a 3 hour trip is too much for her. They do not do well in unfamiliar places. It can cause anxiety. Even in my Moms early stages, she was only good outside of the house for about an hour and wanted to go home. She got overwhelmed in Church and that was a familiar place.

Just think 3 hrs on the road with an incontinent person. You have to stop and change her in a strange place. Then for 3 hrs home. A hotel stay would probably not work. Then all these strange people. She will have no idea who they are. Me, I would not even try it. Even if it was local, I would not put her through it.

I can understand why you do not want to call these relatives. But think your putting the cart before the horse. Yes, I think they could have texted you what they needed to ask but they didn't. So, I would call this person. Apologize that you didn't contact her earlier but you are getting over a bad bout of COVID. Then ask why she called. Then tell her that Mom has Dementia and is in Memory Care. That she can no longer answer questions because her memory is pretty much gone. Answer as much as you can. Tell them you will try with Mom and get back to them IF she does remember but u doubt she will. If your asked if she will attend the funeral just say sorry no. Besides you getting over COVID, she is not able to travel that far and if she did, nor would she know anyone if she went. The whole trip would be too much for her.

If asked for her address or phone just say anything they want to send her can be sent to you. Since she is incapable of using a phone, she doesn't have one. They can call you if its something important.

Out of curiosity, I would want to know what they want. Since you don't seem to want a relationship with them, the word NO should be easy to say.

No, is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.

She wouldn’t remember it 5 minutes later. They don’t realize how bad shape your Mom’s in . They sound like the selfish ones since they weren’t interested in your Mom! Hugs 🤗

Nope. Not cold-hearted. ❤

If it was me…..I will not do that. I,will tell her what’s going on and explain how you feel about the situation. .

Possibly they think it's bad form to inform you of a death by text and they want to tell you via phone. Why don't you text back that you learned he has died, and you are sorry that neither of you are able to attend a service. You may not hear from them again!

Good Morning,

There comes a time when you cannot be dragging around an elderly frail person who really probably should not stray too far from medical assistance.

As long as you acknowledge the death, (Mass card, fruit basket, sympathy card, telephone call). That's really what people expect. I am in the dog house with my brother because I didn't get my mother up out of bed in the middle of the night and rush to my Aunt's bedside. The Aunt who was always mean to my mother. I did, however, prior to my Aunt's death make sure my mother saw her sister once a week (on my day off mind you). We brought flowers, ice cream, etc. Never showed up empty handed. I did it out of respect for my late grandmother.

As my mother's disease(s) progressed I, the caregiver, make the decision. I do NOT attend everything because it's too much work and too much can go wrong. The walker has to go in the trunk, Mom's balance is off, the bathroom situation. There is construction everywhere in my State. For our situation, it's not worth the trouble.

I would be very upfront and direct. I informed my mother's cousin that we are unable to travel out-of-state. Mom's health has declined. She is unable to travel--end of story. I did send a beautiful fruit basket from a boutique specialty item supermarket. She loved it.

In addition, I really re-think now how much gas I want to spend on a person. Gas is expensive across the nation, so I have to really like you to fill up--this is supposed to be a joke. Keep it simple honey and don't feel guilty about it. Things change and you have to go with it. You have to do what you have to do to keep your ship afloat. Don't put yourself in a situation where too much can go wrong and then you have an unnecessary mess to clean up.

You steer the ship! They are not in your shoes.

Obligated - NO! Making best decision for you and your mom - YES! Cold-hearted - NO!

"I just feel like I've reached a point where I just have to protect myself and have some boundaries. I'm an only child, so there's no one else to share this load."

I have begun doing the same and remind myself (and others) "I pay most of the consequences for decisions" because no one else ever totally understands what they might even be.

If it were me, I would respond to each one trying to notify your mom and let them know her condition and she is unable to make the trip. Maybe they are trying to reach out as an "obligation" to your mother and will not push once they understand her situation. Politely thank them for trying to let your mother know and offer your sympathy. Who knows, with the death of the brother they may realize how short life is and want to make efforts to reconnect and even then you may never hear from them again. However, since they have reached out to your mom I would put them on the list to notify them when your mom passes.

The answer is no don’t put yourself through it

Hello this would be a difficult decision you will have to make. Personally if it was me considering the history of your family and the current situation with your mother I wouldn’t take her unless you can bring someone beside you to help you with your mother. You mentioned this will be very stressful to you but if you didn’t go she may be upset in missing her brother funeral. Still I would let her know about the upcoming funeral and she can decide.

This question has come up several times for me with the families of our residents and support groups. You mentioned that this side of the family has not been supportive. With that in mind and a 6 hour round trip for a funeral, I suggest that you keep Mom at the community. You need to ask yourself, has Mom talked about her brother, asked for him? Is the stress of getting Mom out of the community, traveling 3 hrs each way in a car too much? With Alzheimer’s and the various forms of dementia there are behaviors, if Mom has behaviors how will you handle this alone? Do you want to subject yourself and Mom to this stressful, emotional situation? What if Mom won’t get in or out of the car?
So many issues and stressful situations could occur.
when my families and caregivers ask me what they should do in a situation similar to this, I ask them to take a realistic look into the big picture. We discuss what stage of the disease their loved one is in. Do they truly understand what is happening? Is it the right thing to even inform them of a siblings passing? Will the news cause them distress, anxiety, and behaviors?
I had a family with a similar situation. Their Dad lives in our community, has transitioned well in the community and has a quality , active life. Their Dad is at stage 5 in the disease progression and is truly in a time frame where he is out of the military and just started work after college in the field of engineering. He does not see himself as a 88 year old man, he is in the time period where he is 24 with a wife and baby son. The thought of telling him that his sister has passed, will only be 18 yrs old in his mind.
this family joins their Dad’s journey, they do not correct they redirect.
Most times Dad welcomes the son and his wife as friends. Not saying their names but being cordial and happy to see his “friends”, on a rare ocassion he will say his son.
They did not take Dad to the funeral.
They did not have a close relationship with that side of the family, instead they sent flowers from Dad and made a donation in his sisters name to The Alzheimer’s Association. The day of the funeral they brought lunch into the community to spend time with Dad and have his favorite burger and shake, and they brought a photo album of Dad and Family and spent time hearing stories from Dad of his childhood. What would have been a day of stress and anxiety became a day of creating a great memory for the family and a happy moment for Dad.
Don’t put more stress upon your self.
Schelle’y Cunningham CDP
Arden Courts Fort Myers Promedica Memory Care

Dont recommend it...let her be

Even if she were close to her brother, I would advise against taking to the funeral. Too many reasons not to and no good reasons to bring her. I would just call the family, explain that she is in memory care and she would not be able to attend, (but thank you for letting us know.)

Maybe the cousin's wife wants to get information to put in the newspaper obituary. Just to get her off my back, I probably would have just bit the bullet this once and called her back. See what she wants. I'm from the generation before cell phones but in my humble opinion, I would never "text" news to someone of a close relative's death. I would find that rude. But that's just me. Also, there may be legal reasons to contact you (on behalf of your mother). Her brother may have left her something in his will, etc. If that is the case, just have them send any paperwork for your Mom to your address. I've settled several estates and probate paperwork needs to be attended to. It's not critical at this stage as your Uncle just passed. However, curiosity would be getting to me so, again, I would just bite the bullet, make a brief phone call, and then be done with it. You don't have to tell them your Mom's location or contact info. You just don't.

Just reiterate she's now in memory care, and you are recovering (self isolating) from COVID and you and Mom will not be attending. Period. Case closed. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong.

No, you are not obligated to take your mother to the funeral.

Why would you take her? Does she even know her brother died? Is your mother asking to go? Despite estrangement, the family has taken the trouble to let you/your mother know about the death. You can thank them for letting you know, but there is no need to take your mother to the funeral. If there is pressure from the family to attend, simply tell them your mother is not able to travel.

Your "obligation" is to your mom.
Keeping mom safe and calm is priority.
Trying to take her out of MC for a 10, 12 hour day is INSANE. (and it might even be longer. If it is a 3 hour drive for you alone add an extra hour or so on to that driving with someone with dementia. Add the bathroom stop and trying to change her if needed, getting her in to the bathroom safely, then back into the car)
Then the funeral that she will be :
frightened with all the people that she does not "know" and all the noise.
if there is an open casket viewing someone that does not look like her brother.
then I presume there may be a service, that will also confuse her more.
then the trip to the cemetery where she may have to walk over uneven ground to observe a box being put into the hole in the ground.
and the "wonderful" post funeral luncheon where everyone will be eating, drinking and making all sorts of noise that will scare her.
I will not even guess how many times during this day she will ask to go home.
Then the drive back.

For mom's peace of mind, your mental health do not take her.
If "family" wants to know why tell them. Invite them to visit if they wish (on your terms, and when is convenient for you)
But for the funeral send your condolences and regrets that you will both be unable to attend.

In your heart, you know that you shouldn’t take your mother to this. However, as others have said, it would be the right thing to do to return the call. You can explain what’s going on and send whatever you would like. Who knows, you may learn that these extended family members are not so bad and you may end up reestablishing relationships. Ha! Maybe momma is in his will! Lol


I’m curious if she ever even asks about her brother. My mom was very close with her family, but I haven’t taken her to any recent funerals between COVID and her declining health and moderate dementia. Most reasonable people understand that there comes a point in life for many that they are unable to attend these gatherings.

Please let us know how things turn out!