My mother's brother (who I have been estranged from for like 40 years, and my mother has been estranged from for about 5 years) has passed away. Because he and his wife and family haven't been in contact with my mom in so long they don't realize that she has now been placed in memory care. My aunt called the police who then called social services who left a note on my mom's door asking her to call. Now I've got my cousin's wife (who I've never even met) calling me trying to reach my mom, presumably to notify her of her brother's passing. I've not called her yet, but the big question here is...what is my obligation in this situation? I'm not particularly fond of these people, but I also realize that this is my mom's brother/family. But I really am not interested in taking my mom out of memory care for any reason other than a complete emergency. My mom was incredibly hard to get in MC to begin with, the whole situation sounds incredible stressful for me as the one that would have to drive/manage her 3 hours each way, and she likely wouldn't remember the entire thing a week after it's over. Am I being incredibly cold hearted in this situation? I just feel like I've reached a point where I just have to protect myself and have some boundaries. I'm an only child, so there's no one else to share this load.
Wild horses could not drag me through that... Not even wild horses threatening me with bodily harm.
Do what is best for your Mother's care needs. With ZERO guilt.
I should have mentioned that I'm the one that has pieced together that my uncle has died, no one has come out and said that. So last night when my cousin's wife called and left a message and texted me, she also didn't mention it. Her message and text were both quite curt. All she said was that she was trying to reach my mom because she had some questions for her and some news. This AM, in an effort to get her off my back, I texted back and said, "I'm recovering from Covid (because I actually am and it sucks). My mother is in memory care now. Would you like me to ask her something or relay some information?" She immediately texts back and says, "Can I call you?" I ignore. She texts again within a minute. "It's important"
These people have boundary issues. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd have called you. Leave me a message or text me what you want. Otherwise, please leave me alone. I know that might sound incredibly mean, but in no world am I going to give them info as to where she is because then they'll be calling her, getting her riled up and I'm not going to get involved in any of it. I've done so much for my mom and I'm done, done, done. It's time for me to take care of me and for everyone else to figure themselves out. *end rant...haha*
End of conversation.
The family wants your mother to know that her brother has passed away. And you're already gearing yourself up to withstand pressure to take your mother on an arduous journey to the funeral of a man she had latterly had nothing to do with, and from whom you've been estranged for most of your adult life. [Any reason for that, by the way? Just wondering, forgive me if I'm prying.]
Call your cousin's wife and explain politely that your mother's health makes it impossible for her to undertake the journey plus the service, it would be too much for her. Arrange for your mother to send flowers and condolences to the family. The End.
These people have boundary issues. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd have called you. Leave me a message or text me what you want. Otherwise, please leave me alone. I know that might sound incredibly mean, but in no world am I going to give them info as to where she is because then they'll be calling her, getting her riled up and I'm not going to get involved in any of it. I've done so much for my mom and I'm done, done, done. It's time for me to take care of me and for everyone else to figure themselves out. *end rant...haha*
Once the 'problem' was solved, she had no interest in going--she just wanted to talk about her beloved brother. (To whom she had not spoken in about 5 years).
He did pass and she didn't even acknowledge his death. She wouldn't even send a card to his widow b/c she hated her so much.
I stepped in and sent a small planter to my aunt with mother's name on it. A little lie, but I know my aunt appreciated it.
Mom didn't know I sent the plant. The TK note came to my house. The last thing my aunt needed was another reminder that my mother hated her.
Sometimes people really DON'T want to attend the funeral. They feel more comfortable complaining about the fact that going would be troublesome.
If your Mom is in Memory care, a 3 hour trip is too much for her. They do not do well in unfamiliar places. It can cause anxiety. Even in my Moms early stages, she was only good outside of the house for about an hour and wanted to go home. She got overwhelmed in Church and that was a familiar place.
Just think 3 hrs on the road with an incontinent person. You have to stop and change her in a strange place. Then for 3 hrs home. A hotel stay would probably not work. Then all these strange people. She will have no idea who they are. Me, I would not even try it. Even if it was local, I would not put her through it.
I can understand why you do not want to call these relatives. But think your putting the cart before the horse. Yes, I think they could have texted you what they needed to ask but they didn't. So, I would call this person. Apologize that you didn't contact her earlier but you are getting over a bad bout of COVID. Then ask why she called. Then tell her that Mom has Dementia and is in Memory Care. That she can no longer answer questions because her memory is pretty much gone. Answer as much as you can. Tell them you will try with Mom and get back to them IF she does remember but u doubt she will. If your asked if she will attend the funeral just say sorry no. Besides you getting over COVID, she is not able to travel that far and if she did, nor would she know anyone if she went. The whole trip would be too much for her.
If asked for her address or phone just say anything they want to send her can be sent to you. Since she is incapable of using a phone, she doesn't have one. They can call you if its something important.
Out of curiosity, I would want to know what they want. Since you don't seem to want a relationship with them, the word NO should be easy to say.
No, is a one word sentence.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
Just reiterate she's now in memory care, and you are recovering (self isolating) from COVID and you and Mom will not be attending. Period. Case closed. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong.
You are a GOOD child for making a decision in the best interest of her mental and physical state.
GOOD FOR YOU! 👏👏
So many issues and stressful situations could occur.
when my families and caregivers ask me what they should do in a situation similar to this, I ask them to take a realistic look into the big picture. We discuss what stage of the disease their loved one is in. Do they truly understand what is happening? Is it the right thing to even inform them of a siblings passing? Will the news cause them distress, anxiety, and behaviors?
I had a family with a similar situation. Their Dad lives in our community, has transitioned well in the community and has a quality , active life. Their Dad is at stage 5 in the disease progression and is truly in a time frame where he is out of the military and just started work after college in the field of engineering. He does not see himself as a 88 year old man, he is in the time period where he is 24 with a wife and baby son. The thought of telling him that his sister has passed, will only be 18 yrs old in his mind.
this family joins their Dad’s journey, they do not correct they redirect.
Most times Dad welcomes the son and his wife as friends. Not saying their names but being cordial and happy to see his “friends”, on a rare ocassion he will say his son.
They did not take Dad to the funeral.
They did not have a close relationship with that side of the family, instead they sent flowers from Dad and made a donation in his sisters name to The Alzheimer’s Association. The day of the funeral they brought lunch into the community to spend time with Dad and have his favorite burger and shake, and they brought a photo album of Dad and Family and spent time hearing stories from Dad of his childhood. What would have been a day of stress and anxiety became a day of creating a great memory for the family and a happy moment for Dad.
Don’t put more stress upon your self.
Schelle’y Cunningham CDP
Arden Courts Fort Myers Promedica Memory Care
“I’m unable to take calls as it’s difficult to talk due to my recovery status. I’m aware Uncle Has passed. I will update Mom IF her Memory/dementia status makes it sufficiently acceptable and safe to do so.” Please accept my condolences on your loss. Please text me if I’m missing any important/necessary information.
they've experienced a loss, you clearly have not. But totally blocking them could cause confusion and problems for them if there is a property or will issue. It also could cost them and you money/time later as POA if you ignore the situation. Unfortunately you DO have responsibilities if this is the case
you should not get overly involved, or attend funeral but being rude to the cousin you’ve never met seems a bit too much.
good luck.
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