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My mother has been living with me for 6 yrs. She fights with me every day about anything and everything. She tells me how loud I can have my tv, how I can train my dog what I can do and not, how long I should be working so she isn’t at home all day with the animals. She has left my home to visit others like 6 times in 2 yrs. She is driving me so crazy that I lock myself in my room so she can’t bother me I’m 54 yrs old. I’ve basically started living in my bedroom because of all her complaining any time I try to enjoy my life. She had breast cancer… I took care of her through, that she also has arthritis and bulging disc’s in her back lots of age related problems. My mother thrives on attention. She can be the sweetest person you know but as soon as you are behind closed doors it’s a whole other story. The past 6 yrs have been the worst in my life. I cook and clean do her laundry clean her room. Make all of her appointment get her special foods her prescriptions take her to every appointment bring her surprises home. She does nothing but lay in her bed and get up to complain at me. Granted she is 75… but my dad is 77 and works 50 hrs a week with a pinched nerve in his back. In 6 yrs she never washed a dish, offer to rinse her dishes or even load the dishwasher. I literally do everything for her but bathe her or help her to the bathroom, I even serve her meals to her in bed…she feeds herself. I fold her clothes and take them to her to put away, I later find them stuffed behind her bed and stacked in other places. She can follow me around the house and complain all day. I make her appts, she cancels them time and time again, she won’t take her meds correctly so she keeps her infections constantly. If I have any comments to say to her about this it’s full blown war. But I’m the one that has to pay the price for her decision. I’m severely depressed for the way that I’m having to live. I think about doing away with myself if this is how I have to continue to live. She had told me before that she would report for elder abuse. I don’t want my life anymore. I’ve finally brought my mother back to her home state my brother lives here and we have her signed up for senior housing. She is throwing a fit telling me that she is a throw away and none of her kids want her. None of us want her living with us because of how she is. I made the mistake of letting her move to my state and moving in with me. I have paid the price of my mental state. Now she has a multitude of medical problems that she kept canceling appointments for and one might be breast cancer again! I told her that my mental state could no longer take care of her and she said she didn’t care about my mental state. I don’t know what to do I can’t take her back to my home state. I would rather not exist as to keep doing this and let her mentally abuse my mind for yrs to come. I can’t get the guilt out of my head. I need for my brother to help with this and my mother live in her own apt so I can go home. I had to quit my job to bring her here and help her get re established. I can’t even hug or kiss my mom anymore or barely tell her I love her. All her mind games has absolutely destroyed me. And she can just tell me it normal for moms to fight with their kids. Can anyone help with this what I’m feeling and thinking? I’m so desperate

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No where in your post or profile do you mention that your mom has dementia. How do I know? Because you stated she takes her clothes and stuffs them behind her bed and stacks them in other inappropriate places. This is a dementia behavior. And she follows you around all day -- this is called "shadowing", a dementia behavior. Has she ever been given a cognitive/memory exam by her doctor? I think one of the reasons you're so burned out and depressed is because you keep interacting with her as if she's her prior self. Dementia changes people but they look the same to us. It's really really hard to see them with different eyes. I'm so sorry that the past 6 years have been so brutally hard. Don't feel guilty about transitioning her to a care community. It may actually be good for her overall.

She can't report you for neglect -- there's no basis for this accusation so please ignore it. Moving someone to a facility is the opposite of neglect. She's just desperate and pulling out all the stops. My MIL didn't want to go into a facility but now after a while she's actually doing much better mentally, emotionally and even cognitively. It's rather astonishing. On the last visit she was in bed reading a book. Reading a book was something she *never* did in all the years I knew her. She said she loved the novel and couldn't but it down! She is enjoying the social interaction (mostly with staff) and she'd be getting none of this cloistered in her home with a single caregiver. Please work on not feeling guilting. Think of it more like feeling grief. You've done nothing wrong. You gave her a lot and it has been a totally thankless job. Now do what is good for everyone and move onward and upward with your life. Blessings to you!
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dianelisa Sep 2021
I totally agree with Geaton777 . I suspected early stages of dementia as well from those behaviors- not knowing where to put her clothes, shadowing, canceling appts and not taking meds correctly The past 6 years have hit you hard-you do need time to heal. You mention moving your mother to senior housing-can you be more specific? She really needs to live in an assisted living facility with a memory care section for when she needs it. the ALF will provide help in the areas she needs - they provide meals and housekeeping and laundry and med administration most importantly. They usually have a handful of doctors that come to the building, so breaking appts is not an issue.
Once you have healed a bit you may want to refer to a blog by Bob DeMarco:
https://m.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
He describes his journey with his mother who had Alzheimer’s disease and he discovered quite a lot and developed methods of working with the disease.
Your mother may still be a narcissist but you can begin to understand and forgive at least some of your mother’s behavior. Be proud of yourself that you made a decision and have spoken up for yourself by making this change. You are not abandoning her-you are letting the professionals take care of her.
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Holy hannnah! After reading your post I am surprised you even need to ask! I would be doing the happy dance the whole way home! You have paid your dues, she wrote up the bill,, and now she gets the results. I can understand why your brother doesnt want to deal, Go back to your home state, get a new job and get on with your life! Visit when you want,,but build up your own SS and retirement funds. You are 56.. she needs to realize that you are not a "kid" anymore. She has had a slave for 6 years,, no more, enjoy your life while you can!
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No, you should not feel guilty

Yes, you should send her back
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It appears your mother is still mentally competent to make her own decisions regarding her life. Part of making your own decisions is living with and learning from the consequences. For 6 years, you have helped her through a medical issue, but she did not bear the consequences of her decisions. You have returned her to her home state and to allowing her to be in charge of her life again. In essence you have 2 gifts - your mother has full control of her life and you have full freedom to live your life. Don't let anybody "guilt you" about this decision.
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Why would you feel guilty? You’ve put 6 years into this and it hasn’t worked. If your description of her behavior is fair, it’s your mother who should feel guilty. If you want to act this out, imagine yourself picking half a lump of guilt out of your heart, the other half out of your head, putting the whole lump on a stone slab in front of you, and hitting it hard with a mallet. Squash!

I’d also suggest you get out quick before your brother has a chance to change his mind.
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thank you for writing this, now I know I made the right decision.
You have no reason to feel guilty, after 6 years, I'd say you have given more than 100% and have given it more than a good try hoping it would work.
I have both my parents with me and its coming onto 9 mths. From the get go they have caused issues, calling my siblings and telling them they want to move out. Making up lies etc. etc. It has been 9 mths and now they are moving out. My mother sounds like yours, not so extreme, I fought back, but I can only imagine she would have probably become your mother after 6 years taking me for granted. I cannot imagine doing this for 6 years, just the thought riddles me with extreme anxiety.
I am in the same situation as you, I have sequestered/isolated myself from them so I can stay sane and still they have done a number on me.
I agree with all the posts, let her go, let it all go, get excited, feel nothing but joy start your life, free and happy, get rid of the toxic people in your life. NO GUILT!!
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In a nutshell, do not feel guilty; your unhappy, aging, infirm, likely narcissistic mother is laying a Guilt Trip on you...classic! Don't accept it. You do not have to martyr yourself to be a 'good daughter.' And bear in mind: Caregiver Burnout is a real thing: some caregivers die before those they care for; don't let that be your story.
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You sound like you are experiencing trauma and, this may be a pattern from childhood. You might have learned to cope by being quiet and doing your mother’s bidding to survive. Now, you are a grown woman and you don’t owe her your life nor do you have to make yourself small. Get yourself a good therapist so that you can rebuild your self esteem. You mom needs big time boundaries as she’s abusive and tries to have all the power. You do not need to feel guilty for living your adult life and being happy. She’s usually gotten her way through demeaning others and creating drama. You don’t have to play her games. Don’t be a martyr to her. Don’t give up your precious life to this toxic person. You can do right by her without killing your self in the process. Your life can get better. Try reading Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christine Northrop and Boundary Boss by Teri Cole.
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Waterspirit Sep 2021
Outstanding advice. All points are spot on!
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Leave her and go home. You have no need for guilt as you’ve done nothing wrong. She is the one who should feel guilt for treating you like her slave. She may be a mother by birth but is anything but in action. We do not owe our parents a life where they get to use us and abuse us…period. If you are to the point where you would rather leave this earth than be with her in your home then it’s time to have her move out. End of story. You my dear have done enough and in fact too much, and should see a therapist to get over your guilt feelings and depression and get medical help from your doctor. A short course of antidepressants perhaps are called for. Two things..you must have strong and healthy boundaries…we all have the right to that. We do not have to accept being treated with abuse. Please tell us you will let her live in senior housing and you will get help for your mental health.
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You most certainly should not feel guilty no matter what she says.
You desperately need to look after your own health and get some help with what sounds like quite serious depression.
You have given your mother far too much control over your life for too long and now it is time to take your life back and let her live hers in a facility where her behaviour will not be tolerated, or in an independent unit where she can pay for any care she needs and if she behaves like she has to you they will refuse to help her. She is beyond selfish, her behaviour towards you is abusive and the sooner you can get out of being involved the better. Your relationship MAY improve when you are separate but it may well not - that is down to her. You need to look after yourself.
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