When I was younger my mother made me pay rent. I was paying 50$ a week 30+ years ago. And my first apartment was only 275$ a month. She is now 72 and lives with me and been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. And dementia. I helped her sell her condo. She paid off her car. She has no bills except for insurance. I've even been paying her phone bill because she doesn't have a debit or credit card. I buy all the groceries and only eat about 1/4 of them because I'm usually doing something and eat out most of the time. I pay all the utilities. I take her to all of her Dr appointments. I get no help from an older brother and younger sister. I work 12 hrs shifts that switch between days and nights every 2 weeks and still take her to appointments. I'm remodeling a bathroom for her and just for her. I didn't need to do anything to it before I'm just trying to make it more user friendly for her. She gets just under $3000 a month in retirement. And gives me nothing. She has been living with me for about a year and the only contribution she's maid is 50$ towards a Christmas dinner. Am I justified in feeling like she needs to pay me something? Before she became ill she would most likely have offered something for staying there. Its just that I'm getting into savings to fix up my home to more user friendly for her. None of the stuff I'm doing needed done. I even bought a hospital bed for her.
A child does not owe a parent anything. It’s nice if it is their choice to help in any way they can but most can’t afford that.
When a person decides to have a child they are assuming the responsibility for that life that they brought into this world.
If they were a wonderful parent to their children that’s great. They don’t have to be a perfect parent. No parent is perfect, nor should they be expected to be. No child is perfect, nor be expected to be. Let’s be clear on this! We can do our best but no one is perfect!
Children should be grateful for love given to them. They should return love to their parents. This obviously means different things to different people. I personally do not believe it means that we give our entire lives to them.
Circumstances can vary so much. I know a young woman who started caring for her father at 6 years old! Why? She said that her mom needed her assistance. To me that is incredibly sad. Her childhood was stolen from her. We only get one time to be a child. She said to me that she grew up fast.
Her father died recently. Now she is caring for her mom. Her mom can no longer work. She has heart issues.
This young woman who is only 23 and a single mom works as a caregiver for an agency making less than $10.00 an hour!
I was flabbergasted and didn’t know what to even tell her because she dearly loves her mom, said to me she didn’t even have the chance to grieve for her dad, and I didn’t want to hurt her further by saying that she was treated unfairly by her mom. I did tell her that she shouldn’t be leaving her 2 year old with grandma with a heart condition. People have crazy situations.
Her child was in a Headstart program which is a better choice but removed her when another mom took a sick child to school and her kid got sick. Happens unfortunately.
She got the job caregiving because she had so much experience caring for her parents. Her dad was only in his 50’s when he died! This poor young woman knows nothing else. She has been brainwashed by her mom.
She is supporting her mom, daughter and herself. That is just too much! Makes me wonder how many others do this from a very young age.
This is in my opinion is overboard, spending an entire life caring for parents. I didn’t care for my parents until my forties. I can’t imagine doing it from the age of 6!
Taking care of parents is a privilege. I would give everything to spend ten minutes with either of my parents again. They lived with me (rent free). I’m so grateful that I had those times.
She charged you rent? Probably not until you were grown. I’m sure there were many years she didn’t. When she did, it was likely to teach you responsibility — and you are extremely capable, so her efforts to prepare you for life were effective.
It sounds like she has some medical challenges. She is so lucky to have an understanding and generous child to help her through these years.
And you are are lucky to have her too. Savor your time with your mom. Even the hard days are still precious.
'Just sayin' ....
My mom's almost 92, had 13 surgerys & literally died on the operating table for 28 minutes in 1984'. She says she saw her body from the ceiling of the operating room & remembers my praying her back (I was indeed praying my heart out in the waiting room as they kept bringing her blood since she lost about 12 pints..)😞
I think she's got '9 lives' & definately a guardian 👼 or 2. Good luck witb your decision. ✌
She should at least pay for her own expenses. If you need her to pay a portion of living expenses (rent), then open a discussion with her.
Best of luck to you. Take care.
Write out an itemized bill with all the above & keep a copy for yourself - possibly have her do separate cheques for each month or each area like food, bills, single pay items [hospital bed], etc so if questioned later you have a paper trail a mile wide
If you “pay yourself” you could someday find yourself in a legal quagmire: fraud/elder abuse/misappropriation, conversion—criminal and civil charges.
If your siblings merely verbally agree to this, that is not enough. Protect yourself.
Momma lived to 93 years old, 20 years longer than my dad did. And she lived on her own, in her own little home. She had a garden, a couple of dogs and could have her TV as loud as she wanted and sit as close to it as she wanted.
She managed to be there until she started having mini strokes with the last one coming about 4 months after the 1st. We lost her after that last one.
But this is what worked for us and I'm glad I didn't have to put mom someplace else. We did have caregivers come in when her insurance would cover it, which was something I was always dealing with.
When mom died and we sold the house, all the funds came back to us and because the home was in my husbands name, my only brother understood there wasn't funds for him. We took care of her day to day needs, so it was an unspoken understanding between us.
We all had to tell some lies to mom about the money, but it was what we had to do to take care of her and still give her the independence she so desperately wanted. My husband and I had to still work full time and my brother was not going to care for her.
I wish you all the luck in the world. For my brother and I, this is what worked for us. If there were more siblings, or more money in the family, it might not have. And through everything, my brother and I are very close and love each other. We're both grateful for that the most. Now when we visit, we've found it's the first time in 20 years that our conversations don't just center around our mothers well being. We feel like a real brother and sister all over again.
Oh yeah, and eventhough my mom didn't live with us, we were able to include her as a dependent on our income taxes.
She's so young still. She could live to be 90-something.
Best regards,
The answer is yes. The real question is how much.
check out the local rental rates on a studio apartment and charge her something approaching that. Then, split the utility bills (including cell phone) 50/50. As for food, I would split that 50/50, too, just to avoid an ugly discussion about it. If she objects to any of this, simply offer to help her find an apartment. Explain patiently an unemotionally that you cannot support while you are saving for your own retirement.
This is just my opinion.
😄
Also, if you can get them to spend a week at your house taking care of her while you go out of town (even if your brother and sister come the same week and share the responsibility), it will give them a whole new perspective on how much you do for your mom. My brother and his wife came for a week (more than once), and when we returned home, he always exclaimed, "Thank you so much for taking care of Mom. I don't know how you do it! This is a lot of WORK and it's so confining and sometimes it gets on my nerves!"
My mom lived with us for 14 years, and this is how we shared expenses. (Her income was close to $2000 a month.) We did not charge her rent. But we asked her to pay her part of the utilities. We added up the cost of electric, water, sewer, trash pickup, cable TV, phone, plus property tax. Then we divided by 4 (since my husband, my son, and I also lived in the house). Then we added one tank of gas (for the car) a month (to help pay for all the trips to the doctors' offices and tolls along the way). Her payment was close to $400 a month.
She had her own kitchen, so she bought and cooked her own food. She said (with glee) that she had more disposable income than she had ever had in her entire life, plus she didn't have to worry about maintaining the house or the yard. She said these were the happiest years of her life. (Every year, she gave us an additional $1500 for repairs and maintenance of the house.)
When her Alzheimer's got too bad for us to handle at home, she went into a memory care facility and blew through her savings quickly. Thankfully, she was there only six months before she passed. We kept her home as long as physically possible.
God bless you for caring for your mom. It isn't easy, but I've never heard anyone look back and say, "I wish we hadn't done so much for Mom."
Back to your mom charge her rent and keep good records of the transactions.
If she has savings, those saving should have been used to make your bathroom more elder friendly, not YOUR money.
An elder care attorney may be helpful in guiding you on how to use her own money to care for her.
With that said. It is not wise to hold a grudge against your brother for not being the caregiver, if it was your choice to be the caregiver.
The elder care attorney can also discuss options such as assisted living that your mother will pay for out of her benefits or income.
With my clients I find that a lot of disagreements arise when one child wants to put mom in a professional facility and the other sibling wants to care for the parent at home.
If mom is in a facility, it will be her money that will be used. Not yours.