Should I bring my LO with me when I tour memory care facilities?

Considering the state of her health I would say no. My mother has been in 2 different AL facilities. She did not visit them. For the first one I chose one that had a good reputation and was close to my home. She was being released from rehab quickly and I had to leave town as my daughter was due to give birth in another state.

The second time around we were all moving to a different state. I believe I looked at 5 different ones. Again I chose one that was close to my new home but also had a good reputation. I liked it. It was a little more expensive but didn't have entrance fees as some others did. One pays enough for AL generally that I find it wrong to pay a fee just to apply. I also looked at facilities with a friend whose husband has suffered a severe stroke. As you visit ones you will find you get a comparison that helps with decision making.

I wouldn't, she is confused enough without adding anymore stress for her or you.

Perhaps you could write a list of the good points of two that you think are OK, and any downsides, and use the list to talk it through with your wife. You could take your own photos – the glossy brochures are sometimes a bit misleading. A choice makes your wife not quite so ‘powerless’.

Absolutely not! Go alone or with an adult child if you have one..but don’t take her..she will find fault with everything...& you will be stuck home alone with just you & her..use your own judgement...do residents look & smell clean? Does facility smell clean? You can decide without her! Hugs 🤗

No, do not take her. It will just be confusing and unproductive. Use your own best judgement. If you want a second opinion go with an adult child, friend or even grandchild (some teen and above aged grandkids can be very astute when helping with these decisions - do not discount their opinions). But only take someone with you that supports your decision for placement- and know you ARE making the best decision for her.

Thanks very much to everyone! When I wrote this last week, there was no urgency, but all that changed on Sunday when she snuck out of the house without me knowing it. Fortunately, she didn’t get far but now I have to find something for her sooner than I’d thought. It was especially comforting that everyone gave the same advice.

It is better to do it on your own. She may not be capable of making logical decisions about her future at this point, but you want her to be as happy as possible about the move. Try to find a good place nearby so that you'll be able to visit her often. When I did this for my mom, I found what I thought was the best place and then took her there to show her. I chose a continuous care facility where she would be at the same place through all stages of care (independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing). The choice usually narrows down to staying at home with an aide or having her move to a facility that can care for her. It sounds like you and she don't really have a choice. It's very possible that she will resist moving. Moving is difficult for most seniors and it may take time for her to adjust to her new surroundings. She may tell you that she "wants to go home." It's heart wrenching, but it usually means she wants her life to be the way it was before.

Hello Yohnny, and greetings from West Cork, Eire.
I have read all the replies to Your Question and all of the answers are out of the top drawer, just brilliant.
You should be very proud of Yourself as I find You are an incredible Gentleman, Caring for Your Dear Wife Who suffers from alzheimer's in Your mid 70's is the greatest expression of Love that any Man can give.
I was on this same journey with my MaMa for three years and it is very tough but I was in my mid 50's then.
We must remember that Persons Who suffer from AD or any brain disease can no longer think rationally, hence They
can not enter into Our World in thought or seeing things as they really are therefore when We want to reach them We must remember to step to the Left and join Our Love one in Her World.
I wish You Yohnny & Your darling Wife every Blessing and Peace.

I agree that you should not take your wife in your first visit. This is a long visit because of the tour, interview, and paperwork. By interview, I mean the dialog you will have with the facility about what THEY can do for your wife (how they will take care of her, meals, med mgmt, bathing, etc.). They also need to know about your wife. This whole conversation takes time. By paperwork, I mean the required forms you need to complete with supporting docs. They need time to explain to you. Thus, having your wife there would not be a good idea.

Once you believe this is the place for her, have a second tour - with your wife.

I made this mistake when I took my husband with me on our first visit to a memory care.

Good luck.

No. Not really. It could be only anxiety provoking. Unless you could couch it as "I am thinking we would in future need more help and I would like to go see places I would like to consider; would you like to come with me."

I agree with the others...it's a stressful time for you...and because you want to make the best decision, your focus and attention would be diverted looking after your loved one. It's an exhausting process, so I would suggest looking on your own, making notes on the pros/cons, and then circling back between the top 2 or 3 to make a decision. I'm sure proximity to home is important, but not the most important as good care and environment and staffing come first. good luck...

If you have not travelled with her in a while, you might try a day trip, to see how she does. She is likely to have trouble and insecurities with the change. It can be limited, and manageable, or very upsetting to her and difficult. I have had both situations with my husband. Sometimes travel to see kids in another state ( 8 hr drive each way), and once overseas by plane to go to his sons's wedding. Most of the time i could guess when the meltdown was coming. A few times i could not. While i would not have wanted to miss either event, by the time each was over, i needed a vacation, was exhausted and overwhelmed.
advice:
1. Consider a third person to join you, who knows your spouse and can pitch in to help you.
2. Consider ways you can diffuse a meltdown before its full blown.
3. Make sure you have all prescrptions -- and hopefully backups in case one set gets lost.
4. Ask your doctor for advice -
5. Get plenty of sleep before going.
6. If flying, use a wheelchair to "treat" your spouse to extra attention. It's easier to control their possible "excursions" when you are distracted, and people will be likely to assist if necessary. Airline personell will be extra attentive, which should make your spouse feel good.

Hope this helps. We travellrd, untill it was not possible. I ended up exhausted each time, weathered multiple meltdowns, but husband enjoyed most of the trips.

Do consider taking another supporting relative or friend with you. Having them there does a couple of things: another set of eyes and ears, someone to discuss each place (pros and cons), and most of all helps to ease your own personal anxiety. Don't forget to take notes on each place and ask plenty of questions, no matter how small the question or concern, while they give you brochures your question(s) are important.

I do agree with those who have said to take someone with you who is able to ask any questions you forget and provide a second opinion, watch out for body language of staff etc. It is very hard to take everything in and think of everything you want to say when looking around places. I would not take you LO if you can find someone to sit with them whilst you are out. You have been tremendously caring and loving for a longtime and had the distressing time of seeing someone you knew and cared for become so much less of themselves. At the stage you describe it would be simply confusing to them, and may cause distress and agitation especially if you are looking at a number of facilities. You are a wonderful carer and will make the best decision for future assisted care for your LO. You will visit and ensure comfort wherever you decide is best, but this has to be your decision, hopefully with the support of someone you take with you. I wish you all the best and peace in making your decision.

NO - she won't remember & will most likely be confused about is going on - you also might be distracted from something important either spoken to you or to be seen when you are doing 'shepherding' duties too - you will be worrying about her & not able to fully concentrate on the tour - if you do several & then do a go back to your short list that would be the only time I'd take her

I agree with others here, to bring another person with you preferably female as women see some things while men will see others - this is not sexist but fact so you might be seeing safety issues etc your female friend will notice table height & how clean things are - the more diverse your group is the more that will be seen but only have 1 more or 2 at maximum otherwise your group becomes unmanagable

Not for the initial visit, but many of these facilities welcome potential residents to come back and participate in an activity or meal, so once you get to your short list, I would go back a couple of times and take her with you. Even better, once you decide on one place, attend some events together to get her used to it. Best to have a place in mind or get on a waiting list ahead of time as sometimes things happen where you have to move quickly. I'm guessing your biggest problem will be trying to explain to her why you are not moving in with her. Some people move into assisted living/independent living under the same roof when their spouse moves into Memory Care.

I think it would be confusing. Have someone with you to give their impressions and remember all the things that were talked about. When the time comes to bring her, I would visit her daily for a few days and then taper off. Make up some excuse why you leave - job, appointments, etc. And what on earth is 'LO'?

No. I think it would be far better to tour the facilities yourself. If your loved one was capable of this job, you would not be needing a facility at all. If your LO is able to discuss it at all, find out if there are any "must haves" for their future home. (Like possibly must have her cat with her. Or must be able to go outdoors. there are a few MC places near me that would fit those criteria.) But other than a few specific features, you shoud do the legwork , and narrow it down to no more than two places. THEN take her, to see which she likes. And only do that if she's actually still capable of accepting the change. I know that by that time neither of my parents had the cognitive abilty to deal with the decision in any way.

Tour a few and pick out the one you plan to use.

THEN, when you're closer to moving her in, you can contact the sales person to arrange for your wife to come have a meal or take part in a program. She will probably not remember it and it will be confusing, but she may have some feeling of it being familiar when she moves in and you can take part in the activity with her so you get a sense of the routines before move in day.

No, please just tour the facilities yourself. Trust me - a person with Alzheimer's is incapable of doing this.