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My wife of 50+ years is currently in stage six of AD. When the care I’m able to provide no longer meets her needs, I’ll have to find a MC facility.


I read as much as I can but don’t see much written about whether or not I should bring her with me as I tour facilities.

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Absolutely not! Go alone or with an adult child if you have one..but don’t take her..she will find fault with everything...& you will be stuck home alone with just you & her..use your own judgement...do residents look & smell clean? Does facility smell clean? You can decide without her! Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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It is better to do it on your own. She may not be capable of making logical decisions about her future at this point, but you want her to be as happy as possible about the move. Try to find a good place nearby so that you'll be able to visit her often. When I did this for my mom, I found what I thought was the best place and then took her there to show her. I chose a continuous care facility where she would be at the same place through all stages of care (independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing). The choice usually narrows down to staying at home with an aide or having her move to a facility that can care for her. It sounds like you and she don't really have a choice. It's very possible that she will resist moving. Moving is difficult for most seniors and it may take time for her to adjust to her new surroundings. She may tell you that she "wants to go home." It's heart wrenching, but it usually means she wants her life to be the way it was before.
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Reply to NancyIS
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No, do not take her. It will just be confusing and unproductive. Use your own best judgement. If you want a second opinion go with an adult child, friend or even grandchild (some teen and above aged grandkids can be very astute when helping with these decisions - do not discount their opinions). But only take someone with you that supports your decision for placement- and know you ARE making the best decision for her.
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Reply to plum9195
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Hello Yohnny, and greetings from West Cork, Eire.
I have read all the replies to Your Question and all of the answers are out of the top drawer, just brilliant.
You should be very proud of Yourself as I find You are an incredible Gentleman, Caring for Your Dear Wife Who suffers from alzheimer's in Your mid 70's is the greatest expression of Love that any Man can give.
I was on this same journey with my MaMa for three years and it is very tough but I was in my mid 50's then.
We must remember that Persons Who suffer from AD or any brain disease can no longer think rationally, hence They
can not enter into Our World in thought or seeing things as they really are therefore when We want to reach them We must remember to step to the Left and join Our Love one in Her World.
I wish You Yohnny & Your darling Wife every Blessing and Peace.
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Yohnny Jun 11, 2019
Thank you, JohnJoe, for your kind and loving answer. I will remember your advice to "step to the left and join our loved one in her world".
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I agree that you should not take your wife in your first visit. This is a long visit because of the tour, interview, and paperwork. By interview, I mean the dialog you will have with the facility about what THEY can do for your wife (how they will take care of her, meals, med mgmt, bathing, etc.). They also need to know about your wife. This whole conversation takes time. By paperwork, I mean the required forms you need to complete with supporting docs. They need time to explain to you. Thus, having your wife there would not be a good idea.

Once you believe this is the place for her, have a second tour - with your wife.

I made this mistake when I took my husband with me on our first visit to a memory care.

Good luck.
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Reply to Worriedspouse
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If you have not travelled with her in a while, you might try a day trip, to see how she does. She is likely to have trouble and insecurities with the change. It can be limited, and manageable, or very upsetting to her and difficult. I have had both situations with my husband. Sometimes travel to see kids in another state ( 8 hr drive each way), and once overseas by plane to go to his sons's wedding. Most of the time i could guess when the meltdown was coming. A few times i could not. While i would not have wanted to miss either event, by the time each was over, i needed a vacation, was exhausted and overwhelmed.
advice:
1. Consider a third person to join you, who knows your spouse and can pitch in to help you.
2. Consider ways you can diffuse a meltdown before its full blown.
3. Make sure you have all prescrptions -- and hopefully backups in case one set gets lost.
4. Ask your doctor for advice -
5. Get plenty of sleep before going.
6. If flying, use a wheelchair to "treat" your spouse to extra attention. It's easier to control their possible "excursions" when you are distracted, and people will be likely to assist if necessary. Airline personell will be extra attentive, which should make your spouse feel good.

Hope this helps. We travellrd, untill it was not possible. I ended up exhausted each time, weathered multiple meltdowns, but husband enjoyed most of the trips.
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Reply to CFTruthSeeker
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jacobsonbob Jun 11, 2019
Excellent suggestions, but I suspect you thought you were answering another thread (regarding travel rather than selecting memory care facilities).
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Do consider taking another supporting relative or friend with you. Having them there does a couple of things: another set of eyes and ears, someone to discuss each place (pros and cons), and most of all helps to ease your own personal anxiety. Don't forget to take notes on each place and ask plenty of questions, no matter how small the question or concern, while they give you brochures your question(s) are important.
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Reply to AimlessMe
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Considering the state of her health I would say no. My mother has been in 2 different AL facilities. She did not visit them. For the first one I chose one that had a good reputation and was close to my home. She was being released from rehab quickly and I had to leave town as my daughter was due to give birth in another state.

The second time around we were all moving to a different state. I believe I looked at 5 different ones. Again I chose one that was close to my new home but also had a good reputation. I liked it. It was a little more expensive but didn't have entrance fees as some others did. One pays enough for AL generally that I find it wrong to pay a fee just to apply. I also looked at facilities with a friend whose husband has suffered a severe stroke. As you visit ones you will find you get a comparison that helps with decision making.
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Invisible Jun 11, 2019
I'm guessing the fee to apply is to determine who is serious.
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I wouldn't, she is confused enough without adding anymore stress for her or you.
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Reply to DollyMe
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Thanks very much to everyone! When I wrote this last week, there was no urgency, but all that changed on Sunday when she snuck out of the house without me knowing it. Fortunately, she didn’t get far but now I have to find something for her sooner than I’d thought. It was especially comforting that everyone gave the same advice.
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