Should I be upset that my 90 year old father is seeing 5 ladies at the same time?

Yes, you're wrong. This has nothing to do with your beliefs or his marriage to your Mother. He is dating and enjoying his life. Be happy that he still has a good quality of life at 90.

He is 90. My opinion, let him live and be happy 👍🏼

I agree with Midkid58. Definitely keep an eye on his finances. Just because these girlfriends are near his age (and I'm assuming here), doesn't mean they aren't looking for someone they can easily manipulate into paying for everything. If he's "dating" women much younger, then you can pretty much count on that. Do these women know about each other? Does he live alone and vulnerable to predatory influences?

What does your father have to say about this situation? He thinks this is appropriate behavior? His cognitive abilities may be in decline. I would really have a serious conversation with him. Keep an open mind. He indeed may be lonely and finds these ladies' attention fun. Have you actually MET any of them? What is his reaction to your meeting them? If he's secretive about it, it's a red flag. Elderly abusers don't want to be known to families.

Lastly, your Dad is 90. Sadly, the majority of 90-year olds are losing cognitive function and he probably wouldn't recognize financial abuse or accept if he was a victim of it. If you feel he's not being financially abused but just "having fun", then there's not much you can do.

After a spouse of many years dies, the remaining spouse goes through many emotions differently than a remaining child. He apparently mourned for a year and may be lonely and wanting some companionship. It has nothing to do with his loyalty to your Mom. Ask him, don't accuse. He may have a reasonable explanation.

Ninety year old, huh? After 80 years of age we start talking dog years left, so he waited 7.
I'd have felt odd as well if my parents started dating again, had they done that. They didn't live long enough, a part from each other, but it would've been a learning experience for me. And maybe the lesson would've been permission or not having the right to give permission.
For sure I'd give my husband a green light.

Be happy and feel lucky he's got friends.

In my lifetime I learned a natural division between friends as they did the same. I've had my movie friends, who sometimes overlapped my concert friends. I've had dinning/cooking friends. I have my phone, book swapping and lecture friends, etc. Some have died, moved, too sick or are busy caregiving. New good people are always welcome.

Your dad's true-blue time was with your mom.

Does your father bathe, shave and continues to be, within fair parameters, responsible? Or is he showing signs of going into a second adolescence?

Are his friends about his age, fun and lady-like? I'd only worry if they are the Lady in Distress type. Can you prove in a court of law that he is incompetent?

Your dad is alive. He's healthy. HE'S NINETY, Hello?
A healthy mind does not want an old dad or mom to live miserably, obsessing about a loved one's death, or about their own impending death. This is not what we want for each other.

Dr Laura said after a certain age if we lose our spouse and do not replace that spouse we may follow them to the grave.

He maybe saving himself and five others.

My mother was widowed in her early 70's, and never dated again. However, she belonged to the church choir and was very friendly with a man her age who was married, and who she had known for a long. His wife. also a friend of my mother's. was not in the choir. When he died suddenly, my mother refused to go to the funeral, and seemed depressed. My siblings were shocked. I think I understand. The majority of Mom's friends were female, and a few couples. Her friend in the choir was the last male friend her age that she was able to have one-on-one conversations with. His point of view must have been very precious to her, and now that was gone. Perhaps your father's five lady friends are getting what they need from a man, be it conversation, a dinner partner, or sex. Your father is an adult, and is trying to have some happiness in the time that is left to him. Why should YOU be upset. Look inward for your answer.

Bravo for your dad!
When we reach ninety, we've earned the right to live to the fullest. And whatever relationships he has now have nothing to do with his marriage to your mom. If anything, that marriage must have been so good that it gave him this lust for life.
Celebrate with him.

While there is nothing wrong with moving on after losing a spouse IMO we haven't been given enough information to judge fairly. I'm kind of surprised that the consensus is get it while you can (nudge nudge wink wink).

Is this completely opposite to his previous personality and moral code? That could cause the OP to feel their father has been replaced with a stranger they can't understand or relate to.
Is he bringing his lady friends to family functions and insisting they be regarded as a pseudo family member?
Is he treating these ladies in a way that is disrespectful to women and most of us would find repulsive in a younger man?

But - I'm not suggesting that any of that gives the OP permission to treat her father like a naughty teenager.

No worries! We are always our mother's daughters, loyal and loving to our passing, so I definitely understand where you are coming from. His mingling and being adored by women impinges on that. She is a beloved in your life. Talk to her about your feelings, perhaps. Social isolation is probably the #1 cause of an early demise. There are very few gents around compared to ladies at that age, and they have history and culture in common. It's as important as food. If he were going to a senior center and socializing a lot, that's the same thing. My former father in law traveled to Spain with one of his assisted living facility admirers, in his late 90s! Not everyone could do that. But watching TV and staring at the ceiling doesn't sound too nice. Your dad still has something vital to offer. Your mom is a part of him forever, no matter what. But you are still stuck with your feelings, so keep talking to your dad that you are still grieving over mom. But let him enjoy a social life.

Let him live out his last days because this is obviously something that was a part of him, but he never let it come out while he was married. Maybe he never had five ladies at one time before, and it may have been a fantasy of his. We don’t know. It any rate, if he’s in his right mind and able to do things for himself and you don’t have to be the sole caretaker for him, he’s doing well. Be blessed and know that your father still in his right mind and that he still shows interest in the ladies and the ladies in him. I know it may be hard to comprehend because he was with your mom, but he did show your mom much respect while they were married. Let him live!

Good for him and the 5 ladies. They have someone to do things with!! As people age, lonliness is a big problem. I am happy for them.
If Dad was dating one lady, I would think that should concern you more. Dad's just enjoying life. Be happy for him!

I can understand your discomfort but he waited a year and it sounds as though he is having a bit of a field day now, in his twilight years! Older people can behave a bit like teenagers. Try not to be too offended and it sounds like none of the relationships are meaningful. Worse things can happen!

You are wrong. Stop judging your Dad. It’s that simple. Live and let live. He deserves whatever happiness and joy he can find. He’s not hurting anyone. The prayers should be with you, In hoping that no one judges you when you’re 90. Grow up!!

I say whatever makes him happy.
At 90 yrs old, he should do what he wants as who knows when it'll be his last.
He may just enjoy different ladies for their Company and nice that he has several friends.
Don't take it so personally, just because he has a few lady friends, doesn't mean he didn't love your mom. You might try looking at it that even all these women can't take the place of his wife.
Everyone deals with their loss in different ways.
You should be happy that he is trying to live and not be depressed and or want to die.

How sad. Please be charitable towards your father. What harm is he doing? Do you resent his enjoying his last years? I don't think you have to fear possible future heirs.

Your discomfort over his dating 5 women at the same time is perfectly normal. We all want to preserve the perfect image of the marriage our parents had.

BUT this is his life and his body. He can do what he wants. He probably had an agreement with your mom that whoever outlived the spouse should wait for a year and then live life to its fullest. (I had this discussion with my husband and we agreed to the one year embargo. After that, free agent.). He’s 90. How much time left does he have? If he is not abusing the ladies and they are not abusing him, let him enjoy the last few years of his long life.

Absolutely you are wrong! And being very unfair to your Dad. Your Dad had a beautiful marriage. He is now single. At 90 thank God he still has interest in human companionship. You should be asking him if he needs help making dinner or driving him to take one of his dates out for a ride. If he wants to date 50 women it is non of your business. I applaud your Dad for living a fun life and you are blessed that he is putting up with your selfish meddling in his life.

Many older men with dementia develop a preoccupation with sex. It is known that the mind will revert to fulfilling our most primitive needs when there is nothing else cognitively to think about. Do not be surprised if your Dad also begins to talk

This is mamaarnold I just reread your posting your dad is 90. I think it is great he is even trying to meet people. I guess he still drives. Does he have any medical problems? Everything will work out!

Just curious how old is your Dad? He is lonely believe me no one will ever take your mothers place. He still thinks about her. You can not live with the dead. I do have empathy for you so please do not take this statement the wrong way. You are a concerned daughter which is good you are just trying to look out for your dad. Good job daughter ! You metioned your Dad is dating 5 women at the same time. Is this going out to dinner? As long as he is not paying for companionship some women could take advantage of his lonelyness> Does he have any grandkids they could help keep him busy too? Have a great day!

To me, the fact that he is interested in making new relationships is a compliment to the relationship he had with his first wife...the love of his life. It must have been so good that he is willing to start again. She must have left a great taste in his mouth for meeting, choosing and sharing his life once again with someone else.
I say bravo to his first wife for treating him and leaving him with so many positive memories that he wants to start all over again!

Crazed how do you define seeing? Are these dates? How do you define date? I say good for dad making new friends!

Is dad going to meals with different people? Is he seeing a man if he has dinner with him or plays a round of golf with him? Or goes to a community function with the woman on the second floor? Is he dating a woman if he helps her in any way?

Is he living at home? In a facility? Are these dates church functions? If dad has a meal with a woman is that a date?

Or is dating having sex? What is seeing?

After many years as a caregiver to his beloved wife my uncle was widowed. He reunited with a childhood friend and had a serious relationship but they agreed not to marry. She was older than him, and after several wonderful years together she also passed. When he moved into an independent living apartment he was overwhelmed with female attention. He still drove, had his teeth and hair, had a pleasant sense of humor and could dance. Everyone was interested in him. None of this was disrespectful to his late wife. He was lonely and he was also a caregiver who needed someone to take care of. It became the family joke to ask my 90+ year old uncle how his love life was. Crazed, these ladies may be after your dad's companionship because he is good company. They are lonely and old, and the attention of a nice man goes a long way to making them feel better about themselves. As long as Dad isn't behaving promiscouously or being taken advantage of I don't think you have to worry.

It's tough to watch, I know. My mom had moderate dementia, but my dad was the love of her life, and when he died fairly suddenly, her high school boyfriend who she hadn't seen since 1944 suddenly "reappeared," and they were "married" two months later. Mind you, the BF actually died in 2009, she never did see him after 1944, and they certainly weren't married, but losing a companion after 66 years was intolerable for her so she made up this very happy relationship to stave off the loneliness. She and "Dan" were blissfully happy in her head for nearly three years until Mom died this past July.

It was really, REALLY hard to watch this happen, because Mom didn't ever not know her children until almost the end, but she seemed to forget Dad in a heartbeat. She HAD to, because her heart was broken, and it took me a while to understand that. From that point on, I accepted Mom's invisible husband as a part of the family. He even warranted a mention at Mom's memorial service, and her caregivers told me that Mom weathered the Covid lockdown much better than most of the residents because Dan never left her side.

Please understand that your dad needs companionship. Losing a spouse of so many years isn't merely heartbreaking, it's like losing a limb. He's not trying to replace your mother, but he is trying to feel whole and loved again and that's not something to get angry about.

My grandmother died 1966, and my grandfather held out for four years before remarrying. He was so certain his daughters would be upset that he didn't even tell them when he did get married. My mother was indeed livid (my aunt was not), and she had a cool relationship with her father's wife for the rest of their lives. Ruth (the new wife) was only five years older than my mother, so Mom was pretty bent about her father being a "dirty old man," but Ruth was nearly 50, had never been married, had worked for my grandfather in the 1940s, and they were very happy for 13 years until he died. It was really unfortunate that my mother never could quite forgive her father for wanting to feel whole again, because Ruth was part of our family until she herself died in 2018 and was the only grandmother I knew. (I was too young to remember my grandmother.)

Don't confuse your heartbreak at the loss of your parents as a unit with your father's loss of half of who he was. He's not required to martyr himself to your mother's memory by being alone for the rest of his life. Please be supportive and make sure his finances are well-secured just in case one of the lady friends isn't quite as ladylike as one would hope.

It's called 'dating'...I don't see where there's any 'stringing along' of anybody unless your dad is making promises to the women he spends time with; if he's sexual with them he does need to be responsible and the women need to know it's not an 'exclusive' situation. It's no disrespect to your departed mother; he waited a full year to date, out of respect and social norms. Be glad he is finding companionship; after a long marriage it makes sense to relax a bit and enjoy 'playing the field' as long as everyone is clear that it is casual companionship. Try to be happy for him and be open to his friends. This dating is better than a rush into a marriage. My wonderful uncle lived to 98 after his cherished wife, my mother's sister, passed away nearly 20 years before. My uncle had a lady friend who we knew wished he'd marry her but he was a 'one woman man' in that department, treated my aunt like a queen, as he also did with his platonic lady friend; they enjoyed each other's company, lived in the same apt building but kept separate living quarters, everything respectable and their level of intimacy was nobody's business but theirs.

Crazed,
You have not said, but are you worried that your father may have a disinhibition disorder, dementia causing hypersexuality, or behavioral issues?

One of the signs of this behavior is that it is upsetting to family and caregivers.
(1) excessive time consumed by the sexual symptoms; (2) hypersexuality in response to dysphoric mood states; (3) hypersexuality in response to stressful life events; (4) repetitive but unsuccessful efforts to reduce or control the sexual symptoms; and (5) repetitive engagement in sexual behavior despite the risk for harming themselves or others.

Has anyone mentioned your father's behavior to you?

You are cherishing the memory of your parents' marriage. Your dad has accepted that your mom is gone. He doesn't have a long time to find a replacement wife. He does have needs for companionship - not necessarily sex - and he should be allowed to develop friendships with men - and women.

These ladies cannot replace the relationship he had with your mother, but they provide him with companionship. Ask him if they know he meets other ladies - as long as they all know about each other (or at least as long as one or other of them isn't going to get upset about it) then they are providing friendship and support and entertainment. I would far rather he were seeing 5 ladies than one inappropriately aged on who was having an negative influence on him if it were my father. If you don't have POAs sorted then I would get them whilst he is still compos mentis - he may just die happily one day, but you may need those bits of paper if you do have problems with particular ladies.

Being alone and lonely, without your partner in life and without most of your relatives and friends in your age group, is the curse of living to age 90.
As much as adult children and younger generations of extended family are loving and attentive, being able to be with someone who remembers living through the times that you lived through (the music, the styles, the events) is a way to reconnect with your own lifespan. that loneliness when 'everyone I knew is in the cemetery now' is so painful.
I would guess he doesn't not see himself as 'dating', He has lady friends that he spends time with, and they enjoy the time together.
A man who can drive and is able to care for himself and carry on conversation at age 90 is a rare commodity, so he will never lack from attention from the ladies of his age group.
My elderly parent at 90 expects that her adult daughters attend to all of her needs, including socialization and entertainment. If she had a 'gentleman friend' who visited once a week for conversation, it would be huge gift for her...and her daughters.
Just a different perspective. Hope that this issue does not drive a wedge between you and your father.
Soon enough he will decline and need you much more than he does right now.
Take care.

Sorry but I disagree with the people here saying there's nothing wrong with it. I can see why you're upset. I am a very monogamous person, I'm 29 and I've been single for 2 years after a bad relationship, most people are not like me - most people would start dating right away, dating multiple people at the same time, I've never been like that and never enjoyed that shallow type of dating. It feels hollow and fake to me. It seems like your dad is behaving in this strange way at his age (and yes, dating like an eager high school boy is strange at 90) because he probably knows his time is more and more finite on this earth so he's displaying this erratic sense of "cram as many experiences in as possible" kind of rallying.

As his daughter you can disapprove, but you cant stop him from doing this. I sympathize with you about how it seems like a mockery to his marriage - I dont think anyone would seriously want their life-long partner to go ape-wild a year after they died and if they say they dont mind, I'd highly doubt it. You dont spend an entire lifetime with someone and then the minute you croak say Ok honey have fun! At least not in that way. I dont even think I sound old fashioned, I think people have just become callous and the attachment styles today are less about the true connection and more about what people can get out of it for themselves.

Anyway, you're not wrong in feeling this way. But you cant stop him. And yes, STDs are a real thing in nursing homes, but if he catches one then maybe he'll learn to slow down.