Should I be upset that my 90 year old father is seeing 5 ladies at the same time?

Its called "playing the field". No problem with it unless he is making each lady feel she is the only one. He is 90, not too many years left to enjoy himself. Mom has passed and I don't feel it reflects at all on ur parents marriage. Maybe none of the ladies are looking for anything permanent, they just enjoy dating Dad. Let him have his fun. Better than sitting around the house with nothing to do.

There is no doubt that the adult children of parents who date after the death of their other parent have an emotional reaction to it, so I'm not faulting you for that. But, your father is not a martyr and he's 90 and was probably/hopefully faithful to you mom, and now very probably lonely...so why not? What's the harm? As long as he's being protected against any predatory girlfriend, or catphishing scams, I say he should enjoy himself in whatever healthy ways he chooses. Many elders his age are lonely and unhappy and rely on their children to be their constant entertainment...so count this as a blessing. It doesn't besmirch your mother's legacy in any way, IMO.

How long were he and your mother married? My guess is that they were married for some time. I would lighten up and give your dad a break. At 90 odds are he won't be able to keep this habit up for long. I say just let him have his fun while he can. He waited a length of time after your mom died to start new relationships. My dad died 21 years ago and my mom refuses to even think about having any male friends, and def no Boyfriends. I wish she would because she thinks I'm her second husband. If my mom had 5 boyfriends then she might be get the attention she wants and I could go back to being a functional adult.

Go Daddy Go!
(I'm assuming none of the ladies are 20 years old and out to scam him.

You may need to lighten up and watch the movie: "Must Love Dogs", 2005.
Christopher Plummer plays the father. Diane Lane and Christopher Cusack star.

Or, another movie not done as tastefully is: "Boynton Beach Club" 2005, with
Sally Kellerman, Joseph Bologna, Len Cariou, Brenda Vaccaro, Dyan Cannon,
and Michael Nouri.

Dad is never going to find someone as special as your Mom, his wife.
But to impose your sensitivities on your father is wrong. Does he live with you?

And, even though he doesn't have to date by your rules, there could be concerns. I believe each woman should be aware of the others existence in case your father's mind is not working right and if there were to be intimacy, someone should be practicing safe sex. Apologies if this offends.

Watch the movies and think about the daughter's responses to their father's dating. See if you can find a comfort zone for yourself. Watching the movies could be the best and least expensive therapy you could ever need. (Not that you need therapy-your being upset is very normal., imo). These movies are romantic comedies-you may get a laugh.

You can be upset if you want to be.

Why would you be upset? Instead you should be happy that your father is still enjoying himself at the age of 90, and is still healthy enough to keep up with 5 women. I say more power to him.
I think this more about you than your father, and it may be something that you need to work through. You know your fathers time here on this earth is very limited at this point, so perhaps it's just best to let him be and let him enjoy whatever time he has left.

It has nothing to do with your mother or his marriage. Let him be. Be thankful his health allows him to date and enjoy life.

I would only worry if there is a possibility that he would impregnate one or more of them.
If the ladies don't mind then it should not bother you.
What your dad does now when dating does not reflect on how he treated your mom or their marriage. The fact that is he probably can not find 1 good enough to hold a candle to your mom.

I would be annoyed if my mother was seeing 5 men after my father died, absolutely. If my mother died first and my father was dating 5 women, I'd say more power to him because my mother treated him in a filthy manner for their 68 years together.

I do agree with you, though, that dating 1 woman at a time is the better and more respectful way to go. If a younger man were stringing 5 women along at the same time, we'd call him all sorts of ugly names, but if he's 90, it's somehow okay? I don't think so. Same rules of decency apply to ALL men of ALL ages at ALL times, imo.

Well, maybe he's just experiencing High School all over again. I often had 4-5 guys that I was dating at the 'same time'. It's called a social life and I, for one, am glad I got to know so many people.

"stringing along" seems a funny term. In honesty, a single man in a NH is like catnip to a cat. There's probably a 10-1 ratio of single women to men.

Keep an eye on hid finances, not everyone os just out to enjoy the weather, so to speak.

More than likely he is rekindling his youth without intending any disrespect to your mother. Better he play the field than suddenly become serious with one and want to get married again quickly.

They say as we age our roles reverse and it’s never been more clear than with you and your dad. However, he’s an adult, and I assume has no cognitive decline. Let him enjoy being alive and feeling young and don’t tie him to a wheelchair yet just to please yourself.

Wow! What's his technique? He's not making a mockery of their marriage... he's lonely. Companionship is what we all seek and need, even at 90 y/o. Your not being disrespectful unless you're castigating him for his behavior. I'm sure it's hard seeing him with other than your mom. It'll all end when he gets them mixed up.

Everyone is being a bit coy about what ‘dating’ means. If he is having sex with all 5 at the age of 90, he’s doing pretty well. He’s certainly living up to the wish to ‘die hard’, but there are infection risks. If he’s just flirting with a bit of hand-holding thrown in, and the women are enjoying it too, it sounds like a good way to fill in time while waiting for the grim reaper.

There are lots of lonely people out there, and lots of older men and women who would love a hug or two. Most people don’t really like to think or talk about their children or their parents being sexual, but if it wasn’t that way we would have a population problem now!

Yeah... you're very wrong, and he is not being disrespectful to his deceased wife.

Glad he's healthy enough to find happiness in some way, many that reach 90 don't get that. If he was living with one in a committed relationship and cheating on her that would be one thing; but there is nothing wrong with playing the field and dating different people.

Seriously?

We live with "hook up", an app that people use just to have sex. People of every age and you don't even have to buy her a drink.

College girls have a club called the "finish line" to get senior gentleman and become their whores, room, board, allowance and sex.

STDs are rampant in all parts of society and a 90 year old, single (widowed) man has enough life history to understand the risks. But at 90 does he care?

Sorry but, I don't think it's any of your business and I agree with your daughter. He lost the love of his life, waited a respectful amount of time and is seeking some happiness, not a thing wrong with that.

Sorry but I disagree with the people here saying there's nothing wrong with it. I can see why you're upset. I am a very monogamous person, I'm 29 and I've been single for 2 years after a bad relationship, most people are not like me - most people would start dating right away, dating multiple people at the same time, I've never been like that and never enjoyed that shallow type of dating. It feels hollow and fake to me. It seems like your dad is behaving in this strange way at his age (and yes, dating like an eager high school boy is strange at 90) because he probably knows his time is more and more finite on this earth so he's displaying this erratic sense of "cram as many experiences in as possible" kind of rallying.

As his daughter you can disapprove, but you cant stop him from doing this. I sympathize with you about how it seems like a mockery to his marriage - I dont think anyone would seriously want their life-long partner to go ape-wild a year after they died and if they say they dont mind, I'd highly doubt it. You dont spend an entire lifetime with someone and then the minute you croak say Ok honey have fun! At least not in that way. I dont even think I sound old fashioned, I think people have just become callous and the attachment styles today are less about the true connection and more about what people can get out of it for themselves.

Anyway, you're not wrong in feeling this way. But you cant stop him. And yes, STDs are a real thing in nursing homes, but if he catches one then maybe he'll learn to slow down.

Being alone and lonely, without your partner in life and without most of your relatives and friends in your age group, is the curse of living to age 90.
As much as adult children and younger generations of extended family are loving and attentive, being able to be with someone who remembers living through the times that you lived through (the music, the styles, the events) is a way to reconnect with your own lifespan. that loneliness when 'everyone I knew is in the cemetery now' is so painful.
I would guess he doesn't not see himself as 'dating', He has lady friends that he spends time with, and they enjoy the time together.
A man who can drive and is able to care for himself and carry on conversation at age 90 is a rare commodity, so he will never lack from attention from the ladies of his age group.
My elderly parent at 90 expects that her adult daughters attend to all of her needs, including socialization and entertainment. If she had a 'gentleman friend' who visited once a week for conversation, it would be huge gift for her...and her daughters.
Just a different perspective. Hope that this issue does not drive a wedge between you and your father.
Soon enough he will decline and need you much more than he does right now.
Take care.

These ladies cannot replace the relationship he had with your mother, but they provide him with companionship. Ask him if they know he meets other ladies - as long as they all know about each other (or at least as long as one or other of them isn't going to get upset about it) then they are providing friendship and support and entertainment. I would far rather he were seeing 5 ladies than one inappropriately aged on who was having an negative influence on him if it were my father. If you don't have POAs sorted then I would get them whilst he is still compos mentis - he may just die happily one day, but you may need those bits of paper if you do have problems with particular ladies.

You are cherishing the memory of your parents' marriage. Your dad has accepted that your mom is gone. He doesn't have a long time to find a replacement wife. He does have needs for companionship - not necessarily sex - and he should be allowed to develop friendships with men - and women.

Crazed,
You have not said, but are you worried that your father may have a disinhibition disorder, dementia causing hypersexuality, or behavioral issues?

One of the signs of this behavior is that it is upsetting to family and caregivers.
(1) excessive time consumed by the sexual symptoms; (2) hypersexuality in response to dysphoric mood states; (3) hypersexuality in response to stressful life events; (4) repetitive but unsuccessful efforts to reduce or control the sexual symptoms; and (5) repetitive engagement in sexual behavior despite the risk for harming themselves or others.

Has anyone mentioned your father's behavior to you?

It's called 'dating'...I don't see where there's any 'stringing along' of anybody unless your dad is making promises to the women he spends time with; if he's sexual with them he does need to be responsible and the women need to know it's not an 'exclusive' situation. It's no disrespect to your departed mother; he waited a full year to date, out of respect and social norms. Be glad he is finding companionship; after a long marriage it makes sense to relax a bit and enjoy 'playing the field' as long as everyone is clear that it is casual companionship. Try to be happy for him and be open to his friends. This dating is better than a rush into a marriage. My wonderful uncle lived to 98 after his cherished wife, my mother's sister, passed away nearly 20 years before. My uncle had a lady friend who we knew wished he'd marry her but he was a 'one woman man' in that department, treated my aunt like a queen, as he also did with his platonic lady friend; they enjoyed each other's company, lived in the same apt building but kept separate living quarters, everything respectable and their level of intimacy was nobody's business but theirs.

It's tough to watch, I know. My mom had moderate dementia, but my dad was the love of her life, and when he died fairly suddenly, her high school boyfriend who she hadn't seen since 1944 suddenly "reappeared," and they were "married" two months later. Mind you, the BF actually died in 2009, she never did see him after 1944, and they certainly weren't married, but losing a companion after 66 years was intolerable for her so she made up this very happy relationship to stave off the loneliness. She and "Dan" were blissfully happy in her head for nearly three years until Mom died this past July.

It was really, REALLY hard to watch this happen, because Mom didn't ever not know her children until almost the end, but she seemed to forget Dad in a heartbeat. She HAD to, because her heart was broken, and it took me a while to understand that. From that point on, I accepted Mom's invisible husband as a part of the family. He even warranted a mention at Mom's memorial service, and her caregivers told me that Mom weathered the Covid lockdown much better than most of the residents because Dan never left her side.

Please understand that your dad needs companionship. Losing a spouse of so many years isn't merely heartbreaking, it's like losing a limb. He's not trying to replace your mother, but he is trying to feel whole and loved again and that's not something to get angry about.

My grandmother died 1966, and my grandfather held out for four years before remarrying. He was so certain his daughters would be upset that he didn't even tell them when he did get married. My mother was indeed livid (my aunt was not), and she had a cool relationship with her father's wife for the rest of their lives. Ruth (the new wife) was only five years older than my mother, so Mom was pretty bent about her father being a "dirty old man," but Ruth was nearly 50, had never been married, had worked for my grandfather in the 1940s, and they were very happy for 13 years until he died. It was really unfortunate that my mother never could quite forgive her father for wanting to feel whole again, because Ruth was part of our family until she herself died in 2018 and was the only grandmother I knew. (I was too young to remember my grandmother.)

Don't confuse your heartbreak at the loss of your parents as a unit with your father's loss of half of who he was. He's not required to martyr himself to your mother's memory by being alone for the rest of his life. Please be supportive and make sure his finances are well-secured just in case one of the lady friends isn't quite as ladylike as one would hope.

After many years as a caregiver to his beloved wife my uncle was widowed. He reunited with a childhood friend and had a serious relationship but they agreed not to marry. She was older than him, and after several wonderful years together she also passed. When he moved into an independent living apartment he was overwhelmed with female attention. He still drove, had his teeth and hair, had a pleasant sense of humor and could dance. Everyone was interested in him. None of this was disrespectful to his late wife. He was lonely and he was also a caregiver who needed someone to take care of. It became the family joke to ask my 90+ year old uncle how his love life was. Crazed, these ladies may be after your dad's companionship because he is good company. They are lonely and old, and the attention of a nice man goes a long way to making them feel better about themselves. As long as Dad isn't behaving promiscouously or being taken advantage of I don't think you have to worry.

Crazed how do you define seeing? Are these dates? How do you define date? I say good for dad making new friends!

Is dad going to meals with different people? Is he seeing a man if he has dinner with him or plays a round of golf with him? Or goes to a community function with the woman on the second floor? Is he dating a woman if he helps her in any way?

Is he living at home? In a facility? Are these dates church functions? If dad has a meal with a woman is that a date?

Or is dating having sex? What is seeing?

To me, the fact that he is interested in making new relationships is a compliment to the relationship he had with his first wife...the love of his life. It must have been so good that he is willing to start again. She must have left a great taste in his mouth for meeting, choosing and sharing his life once again with someone else.
I say bravo to his first wife for treating him and leaving him with so many positive memories that he wants to start all over again!

Just curious how old is your Dad? He is lonely believe me no one will ever take your mothers place. He still thinks about her. You can not live with the dead. I do have empathy for you so please do not take this statement the wrong way. You are a concerned daughter which is good you are just trying to look out for your dad. Good job daughter ! You metioned your Dad is dating 5 women at the same time. Is this going out to dinner? As long as he is not paying for companionship some women could take advantage of his lonelyness> Does he have any grandkids they could help keep him busy too? Have a great day!

This is mamaarnold I just reread your posting your dad is 90. I think it is great he is even trying to meet people. I guess he still drives. Does he have any medical problems? Everything will work out!

Many older men with dementia develop a preoccupation with sex. It is known that the mind will revert to fulfilling our most primitive needs when there is nothing else cognitively to think about. Do not be surprised if your Dad also begins to talk

Absolutely you are wrong! And being very unfair to your Dad. Your Dad had a beautiful marriage. He is now single. At 90 thank God he still has interest in human companionship. You should be asking him if he needs help making dinner or driving him to take one of his dates out for a ride. If he wants to date 50 women it is non of your business. I applaud your Dad for living a fun life and you are blessed that he is putting up with your selfish meddling in his life.

Your discomfort over his dating 5 women at the same time is perfectly normal. We all want to preserve the perfect image of the marriage our parents had.

BUT this is his life and his body. He can do what he wants. He probably had an agreement with your mom that whoever outlived the spouse should wait for a year and then live life to its fullest. (I had this discussion with my husband and we agreed to the one year embargo. After that, free agent.). He’s 90. How much time left does he have? If he is not abusing the ladies and they are not abusing him, let him enjoy the last few years of his long life.