Should I be the one who gets my dad dressed?

Grandma1954 August 1, 2023 5:20 pm
If you are not comfortable giving personal care to your father you should not be forced to do so.
It does not matter why you are uncomfortable, those reasons are yours.
It sounds like mom is relying on you to provide most of the care.
Start backing off what you are doing.
If she can not manage then they are going to have to hire caregivers until your dad can manage. If he is unable to manage his own care as time goes on then they will have to continue to rely on caregivers OR discuss Assisted Living and that may help both of them.
I also suggest that if you go to any doctor's appointments, or if dad is readmitted to the hospital you need to speak up and say that "mom can not manage dad's care at home" You also need to make it clear that you are limited in the help that you can provide and to try to do more is "unsafe"

Either you are physically able to do it, or you are not.

Either you are uncomfortable doing it, or you are not.

These are things you have a right to. And if there is an acceptable or constructive way around the situation, then that should be explored. But, I cannot say your Mom is wrong. He has a health issue just like you did. And growing old is terminal, too.

However, that does not change your comfort level or physical ability. Mom can't help him get dressed? What other alternatives are available? Ship him to an old folks home?

You are being manipulated and taken advantage of. Is it possible for you to find a job, any job to get out of the house? Save for your own apartment and live the life you want and deserve. Hoping the best for you

"Since dad has came home, I've been the one who helps him up and down stairs, feeds him and helps him get ready for bed and put clothes on after using the toilet etc."

I can see you helping him upstairs if he is capable of doing most of the work himself. Is there a bath on the main floor and an area where he could sleep?

I don't think u should be feeding him, thats Moms job. I don't think u need to help him get dressed and ready for bed. Mom can do this. The toileting...not a job I liked and as a woman I would not be doing it for anyone but my Mom and my husband. If Dad is able to get on and off by himself, then Mom can help him. Try using a commode over the toilet. It can be adjusted for height and he will have arms to help him get up and down.

I don't see where this is a team effort. Looks like ur doing most of the work. Mom should be doing most of it. You need to explain to her that you have limitations and your not jeopardizing all the work u have put in. If she can't handle certain things, them hire an aide.

Since you are a younger adult, caring for your dad will probably feel weird. That isn't a right feeling or a wrong feeling - it is just a feeling. As for your "ability" to do these hands-on caregiver tasks, you might do better to address these issues with your physical therapist. He or she can advise you about how much weight you can reasonably lift as well as limits on help him with needs. After getting that one straightened out with your own healthcare professionals, then you can address this with your mom.
Is she able to help him with any of these tasks? If she isn't able or willing to help with his needs and you are unable to do those tasks, then she will need to find others to provide help. You can help her with asking other family members, their friends, members of their faith community, and researching paid help (home health care agencies). His doctor could assist in "writing a prescription" for home health care. His insurance company can help with letting your mom know which agencies they work with in your area.

Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. I can understand why your mother said what she did, but just because it seems right to her doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Unless she is big and strong herself she probably has some difficulty managing this kind of physical care which adds to her wish for someone else (you) to do it.

I would look into professional care for your dad. He has a disability now and does need care the way you did when you were sick. It comes down to what is best for your father. It’s best for him to have someone caring for him that is physically and mentally capable of the care. Either caregivers coming to the house, or if that’s not feasible, placement in a facility. Hopefully, he has some capacity for recovery and this will be temporary.

You might want to consider moving to your own place if you don’t want to participate in the care at all. As a member of the household it seems reasonable that you might be asked to pitch in from time to time. Caregivers call in sick or have emergencies of their own and it’s the family that has to pick up the slack.

The OP just finished his own cancer treatments and physio. They have mobility issues. Clearly they have enough on their own plate and it is perfectly OK that they are unable to assist dad with what he needs. The parents need in home care or the father may have to go to a facility. It's just the way it is. Life sucks. More so for survivors of strokes.

You're entitled to your feelings, and if you really can't get over it, another solution must be found.

However, your dad's health has taken a turn and you also happen to be young. Stinks for you, but it is what it is. I was 28 and helping my mother after her mastectomy because my distraught dad was unable to bring himself to look at her gruesome scar. He eventually got past it, but I stepped in until he did because they were both traumatized. I had never seen my mother naked, so even though we're both female, it was still difficult. I did it, though, and I'm glad I was able to be there for her at a difficult time.

I also cared for my dad during his final illness. I took him to the bathroom, helped him change his clothes, and assisted him as needed. My mother was unable to do it, as she had dementia and didn't understand he was dying. Sure, she took the vows, but she couldn't fulfill them.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I would suggest you try to rise above the embarrassment of the situation and be helpful. Queen Victoria was famously mortified at the requirement that various ministers be in the room as she gave birth. Her mother told her to "lie back and think of England." In other words, look at the big picture of being helpful and get past your embarrassment.

It's not about you -- it's about fulfilling a need.

Mom is the one being unreasonable here. You have your own physical limitations and health issues that need to take priority. You were only 16 and their responsibility to do all that was necessary to help you. Roles should never be reversed. Mom needs to be grateful to have your help and to demand you do certain tasks that make you uncomfortable is wrong. She is his wife.....through sickness and health. As a son, your willingness to help in any capacity that you feel appropriate, is all that is required. She is fortunate to have you.

If you were in the hospital at the age of 16 going through cancer treatments, your dad wasn't dressing you. He may have held a bottle up to your mouth if that was the only way you could take nourishment, but I'm sure the nurses were handling your bathing and dressing. Bottom line is you should not have to help your father during toileting, nor should you have to dress him. Why can't your mom help him with that? If she physically can't, then she needs to hire caregivers. Just tell them you're uncomfortable and will no longer be helping with that part of his care because it makes you uncomfortable. Don't ask, just inform her.

You are just starting your adult life and you have a right to live it. I cannot imagine a parent feeling entitled to steal what are the best years you will ever have,

Your father could be disabled permanently and this might be how it will be for him for a very long time. You are too young to be sucked into the black hole of care giving. It will swallow you up and your life will pass by before you know it.
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Be very clear, inform your mother that you have no intention of being a caregiver indefinitely. Demand she get help in. Above all, don't feel guilty for wanting to live your life. If you are living in the home, figure out how to set yourself up to live on your own.

Good luck!

You need to do what you feel comfortable doing. That is it.
Your mother is trying to 'guilt trip' you, likely out of her own frustration and exhaustion of the care required.
* Get a caregiver in - am for a couple of hours and at night for a couple of hours.
* Set clear boundaries with your mother. Do not let her dictate how you are to 'work with' / support your dad. You are ALREADY doing a huge amount of work / support.

* A person is NEVER wrong to feel how they feel. You feel as you feel. Period.
* You are very young and I certainly understand how a young daughter would not want this very personal responsibility helping her dad. It would make many of us uncomfortable.

* And it is up to you to set your limits and boundaries with your mom - with what you will and will not do. She likely is trying to save $ to 'use' you to do what a care provider needs / should be doing. You WILL burn out if you continue on as you are doing.

No, you are not wrong. You feel as you feel. Honor how you feel. Realize you are doing a lot for your dad, and even w/o the personal hygiene / dressing needs.

Gena / Touch Matters

Can he put on his underwear? If yes, then probably not that big of a deal. It's different if he couldn't clean himself after going to the bathroom.

OP please listen to Invisible’s (down below) very wise words. All of what she wrote.

And this sentence she wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”

I can’t imagine asking my daughters to help with these things.

As far as your parents helping you, that was their responsibility as parents to care for you.

You don’t owe your parents anything in exchange for caring for you. You didn’t ask to be born.

You told your mom how you felt. Sadly, she didn’t want to hear what you said. That’s her problem. Not yours.

Tell her again that you are not willing to be your dad’s caregiver. You deserve to be living your own life.

Are you still living at home? Is it possible for you to move if you are still at home?

Wishing you all the best in life.

1. Of course it’s not your responsibility. You’re not married to your dad. She is. Those (like your mom, and my mom) who want to dump THEIR responsibility on others (like on you and I), will ALWAYS find an excuse why YOU should be it.

2. When listening to someone’s criticism, always first consider what’s the source? Is it a reliable source? Does the critic (that’s the source) have something to gain in saying what they’re saying to you? Yes! If you’re it, it means she’s not it. She can sit back with her feet up, while you do the work.

3. I repeat, you didn’t marry your dad. It’s nice you’re helping, but it’s NOT your obligation. And you decide if you want to QUIT (I’m quitting).

4. You have a financial problem, OP. That is the problem of many adult children caregivers. You’re living with your parents, you don’t have a job, you’re FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on your parents. This gives too much power to your mother. Please find a way to be financially independent. And move out.

5. Get POA for your parents. Start setting up hired in-home care, if you can. You need someone to replace you.

You’re not wrong at all. Your dad and mom should have made plans for this stage in their lives. It shouldn’t be you.

I’m going to you a little advice that I wish somebody had given me when I was your age.

You did not make vows before God in commitment to your parents to support them in sickness & in health till death do you part. You were once their child, and as such they were legally obligated to provide you with care. Now you’re an adult, a young man, with full legal & independent agency. Your obligations & responsibilities are what you choose them to be.

Do not let anyone - family, friends, medical “professionals”, acquaintances, etc bully or shame you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. Your parents path into aging & health decline is *their* path based on *their* choices. When they choose to make their path your responsibility, they are being unfair & very shortsighted.

You are only 27 years old & in the prime of your life. You deserve the opportunity to live your life fully. Don’t allow others (even your parents) to deprive you of your potential.

I call myself a “forced family caregiver”. I spent my prime years caring for my ailing parents believing it was the right & moral thing to do. It’s not. I sacrificed my life for my parents comfort. While I don’t regret caring for my mother that lost her battle with cancer 8 years ago, I completely regret being my father’s caregiver. No father should ever force his daughter into cleaning his literal feces, several times a day, for years on end.

I had an education, a career, my own home. And I traded it all to clean my father’s feces & to be yelled at for not doing it “right”.

I should have gotten married & had a family of my own. Instead I gave into my parents demands to take care of them. I now face financial ruin … never mind the emotional abuse & PTSD. Now I’m too old.

You are just beginning this journey. It only gets worse from here. Please value your life, even when others do not. If your parents are not able or willing to respect your boundaries, then it’s best to move onward & upward. You can do it! It won’t be easy. But you will so much happier living your best life.

You’re not comfortable doing it .
Don’t do it . Mom does it or hires help .

You don’t mention how your father feels about it , I bet he isn’t happy either .

You are NOT in the wrong for feeling the way you do. It's time to set some boundaries now before it's too late.
You need to just tell your mum that from here on out you WILL NOT be dressing or undressing your dad as you're just not comfortable doing so. Period, end of sentence.
If your mum can't do it then she'll have to hire an aide to come in the morning and evening to help him.
Or perhaps your dad needs to go back into rehab until he can learn to do it himself.
Stick to your guns girl and don't let your parents guilt you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing.

It’s not anyone’s right to say how you Should feel. It is how you DO feel.
What does your mom do for dad?
Did dad go to rehab?
Do you live with your parents? Will you be going to work soon? What will mom do then?

’What your dad did for you was his decision. What you do for him should be your decision. Set a limit and stick with it.
Try to get into therapy to help you sort out your life and get a plan to move forward.

You’re absolutely not in the wrong for how you feel. I did some of this for my parents, but I certainly wasn’t in my 20’s at the time. Caregiving is not a tit-for-tat, you don’t provide help because help was done for you. Parents are supposed to raise children to be independent and not expect care simply because they did it as parents. Tell your parents exactly what care you’re comfortable being of help with and do nothing more. Who helps is theirs to figure out, it’s not your responsibility in any way