Should I be taking time to live my life?

I'm so happy you updated us! It sounds like you're heading in a very good direction for your own future and happiness. And yes, please keep us updated. You've got a lot of caring people here who understand some of what you're dealing with. Good luck!!

Thank you for the update. Please continue to keep us informed.

After spending some time in a mental facility to help with my anxiety and depression, I've started living more on my own.

I will admit it's scary on many levels. I feel like I'm turning my back on Mom trying to work on myself. I'm afraid of becoming the wreck of a person that I was before the facility.

I'm not sure how to overcome the fear, but at the same time, it is somewhat freeing as well.

Thanks all who's replied to this, I felt I owed the update.

i understand where you are coming from. I am 43 and had to move back home for finances. I have lost jobs taking care of my parenst cause there was always some battle at the nursing home or hospital that i needed to be there for. My Brother does nothing for my parents and i am in counseling to deal with that anger. My Brother recently admitted to me that he does not feel built to handle my parents situation. It has been 12 years and I find that I am tired. Tired of being a care giver to people who under appreciate the things i have given up and lost for their care and mangement of their condittions. It was not until recently that i realized that my life has been on a form of hold for them. Something that i am no longer choosing to do. Please do NOT choose to continue to put your life on hold for the care of your mother. Our time either by ourselves to regroup and mend ourselves or go out can be filled in by home health aides and respite care givers. That is their job and we need to let them in to accomplish this. My goal for 2014 is to no longer let my failing parents health define who i am or dictate my life. I deserve happiness too.

Yes, try to have a life or you will end up like half of us -- jobless, separated from friends and penniless.

What is respite care.

My boyfriend's older brother lived with his mom with dementia, until he died at age 60. His last thoughts were not about how he could have taken care of his mother better, but talked to me often about the possibility of whether he could have had a relationship with someone special. Sad that his life ended up lonely and his mother now expecting the same sacrifice from my boyfriend.

You want a family? Get on with your life, you are still young enough. The longer you wait the less chance of finding someone who wants children or can have children. As long as your mother is well cared for she doesn't need to be a surrogate companion with your life.

I get so annoyed when I hear the words from siblings like these. At this point, it doesn't matter - what matters is that she is everyone's mom and their response should be what can they do. Everyone is allowed to live life the way they want and shouldn't be penalized for being single, whether through choice or circumstances. It's such an indignity when people go on judging whose lifestyle is more important - excuses. And I'm speaking from experience. Finally, in this last year, everyone got on board and contributed to the best of their abilities and none of these comments or questions mattered anymore.

You are clearly a nice guy and deserve some social life. I live in a small town with few things going on so it is hard to have one, and I know that you will worry about your mom while you are out, but it will make you a much happier person to get out of the house some and enjoy yourself. I think that your niece is on your side and hope your mom will listen to her advice. Good luck - sounds like you are a good catch to me!

I agree with pstiegman as well as others here. Balance in your life will help you take be healthier which will allow you to take better care of your Mom. My Dad is 91 and has increasing dementia. I know he will not be around forever. I also know that when I am happy and healthy, I am better able to be happy and healthy in interacting with him. When I am tired and stressed and feeling resentful, then that's what comes through to him as well.

Dad would like me to spend every day with him. I respectfully decline and tell him that I need to work. He understands that and thanks me for the time we do spend together. It seems that when our time is somewhat limited, he appreciates the time we do spend together. This is not to say you should not spend as much time with your Mom as feels right for you. It is saying not to spend more time than you can spend in a healthy way.

As far as dating, it's just part of the balance. I met a wonderful man in my 40's. He is a great partner in caring for Dad. We have a healthy relationship that is built on mutual respect. No one is looking for the other to fix our lives. I can honestly say that I am a better daughter as a result of our partnership. This has nothing to do with him fixing my car or supporting me. It has to do with trusting, respecting and being there for each other. There are a lot of women out there looking for a good partner. However, healthy women will likely want to see that you are healthy and balanced.

You absolutely must start to rebuild your life and it's a long road. What health issues does your mother have? From "said I should have stayed and worked on the house" it sounds to me like she's a manipulative self centred narcissist, as my mother was life long. I lived 200km away for 12 years and dreaded calling her as she was so nasty. I gave up my home, career and friends, purely out of duty, to move and care for her through 4 years of pure hell. She's been in a nursing home for a year now. It took me several months to clean out the house, smarten it up and get it sold (never had a lick of paint in 12 years), driving back and forth 100km with a broken toe. During that time she screamed at me on the phone almost daily and I was forever running to the NH to sort out some chaos she was causing.

I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage on 2 acres in the country for me and the pets which I've been fixing up ever since. Today I'm putting the second coat of paint on the living room and dining room. On top of Parkinsons and dementia, my mother broke a hip in the spring and had a stroke a couple of months ago. She's unable to sit up or stand by herself and the dementia she's had for many years is pretty much full blown now.

Frankly, she treated me, my poor father (RIP) and anyone who crossed her path like dirt and I'm grateful to be rid of her but now I must try to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. I'll spend the rest of the winter finishing up renovations. Come spring I'll be planting a garden, keeping some chickens, leading a simple lifestyle and looking into doing some volunteer work - there's a hospital nearby. The years of so much stress have taken their toll. My hair is falling out, I have a boil on my bum and my stomach starts to thump when I have to go visit. At 64, it's my turn to have a life for whatever time I may have left.

It's a long road but you must rebuild your life. Good luck!

You need to live your life. I don't have your exact situation, but my father has dementia and his wife takes care of him. I'm 55 and can barely recall the last time I had a serious relationship. Dating at this age is very difficult, and I can tell you it doesn't get easier to meet people as you age. Agree with Jeanne - we're supposed to fully embrace the life we've been given. I'm not saying I've always done that, but I'm not dead yet, so there's still time. And you have time. No healthy parent would want their child to give up their life to take care of them. It's not the way to live.

WOW! So much good info on this feed!!! Have you ever been in an airplane...the flight attendant talks about the air masks...before you help someone else, you must put your mask on first! You have to be alive and healthy to be good to someone else. If you don't take care of you, you may be in a position of resentment later! You don't want to resent "what mom did to your life" later. Some concerns though...is mom a controller not wanting you to leave her alone? Are you afraid to be "out in the world?" You don't want to hit the world on your own cold turkey when it is moms time to go. Put the air mask on today....take charge of what you need to do for yourself...no one gets out of this world alive...mom will be gone when it is her time...whether you are sleeping, out on a dats, at work, in the shower, on a vacation....its all in the
bigger plan. Don't put yourself in a position to "wish I woulda" the rest of your life. Life with family is the most important thing...but, you have to also look at your own life so you don't get burned out and/or resent the situation the REST of your life. I wish you the best with what YOU feel is right.

You are way to young. LIVE YOUR LIFE and start today. Sit down with mom and start making plans for her to live independently or obtain and finance outside help. If she's of sound mind then she should be going to senior center and developing friends and socialize. If not, she can start going to adult day care and get outside caregiver for other times when needed.

You need a full time job with benefits and a 401k and quickly. You can't count on mom to leave you anything whether you care for her or not.

You can meet someone and form your own family for the lifetime ahead of you and you deserve that. They will be there for you when mom no longer is.

Sounds like you are looking for permission. You got it. Read thru all these threads and you will find many who have given up everything to care for a loved one and then then once they die; they find they have spent their best years with their life on hold. They find it hard to re-socialize, old friends lost, skill sets outdated, and earning years cut extremely short, no retirement or savings and then they can't find income enough to stay in their residence or worse, families kick them out when they want to liquidate estate to decide up the spoils.

I know it sounds cynical, but it would be selfish of mom to want you to give up your life for her remaining years.

You can still be a loving, caring and compassionate daughter and have a life.

Grab life by the balls and live it already...unless of course you want to spend the next 10-20 years staring at the walls....because that will become your reality if you don't make some other choices and arrangements like yesterday...

mymomsson, something you can do in the time you caregiving is to go back to school. Your speech is very intelligent, so I know you are very capable. I wonder if you might be interested in nursing or something similar. You have experience in nursing, helping with your mother. There are so many opportunities out there that you are so qualified for. You just have to set your sights on what you want. The good thing about going to school is that you can meet people. Who knows? Miss Right may be in one of your classes. I would say to make a plan on what you want to do and get to work on it right away.

Dude, you have got to start building your life now. Get a career, get an education if need be, but start building it now. You cannot live to just take care of Mom. No mother in her right mind would want that for her child. I'm a mother myself and do NOT want either of my children to give up their lives to take care of me. As much as I love them and part of me wants to hold onto them forever and never let them leave, that's not realistic. I will have to allow them to grow up and lead their own lives because if they simply live to take care of me and stay under my wing, so to speak, what will they do when I'm gone? They'd be lost and may possibly resent me for putting them in that position. No, I want better for my children. I want them to be happy, I want them to find their soulmates and give me grandchildren one day, a long time from now. (they're only 3 and 7)

Mymomsson... I can totally relate to where you are right now. I went through this very scenario just a few short months ago. That said... unless you take some time for yourself, you won't be much good for your mom. Your siblings will not help if they haven't stepped up to the plate yet.

Just take a short break, find a hobby, let mom recuperate in the rehab center... and face tomorrow with a brighter outlook!

Good luck!

Update, the rehab home she's in is "giving" me mandatory time off, during which time, as part of allowing Mom to come back, I'm to get counselling for stress.

It scares me, as I've mentioned before, plus this being at least 3 to 4 months, and that's much longer than I've been away from her in 5 years.

Hey Capn, come over to Ireland, I don't have a car, but...I sure could use a stone mason LOL, my father was one in his day.

If you don't do it now, when? I'm in the same boat..41 year old female.

What Jeannegibbs said .. I'm sure you already know the answers and are seeking some form of confirmation. Dude!! Live your life as you see fit. Ignore the sibs who're saying that it's your own fault for working temp jobs. I did so for most of my adult life, because, frankly there were none that appealed to me to stay for much longer. I got bored easily. My choice .. and .. I'm living with the consequences. I'm 60 with no retirement in sight. I'm ok with that. I know I'll find my way through that maze.

When your mom says that *she* doesn't need respite, tell her that YOU do. YOU need to know she's safe (to my way of thinking, worrying that she might die is just too demoralizing) **and** YOU need a bit of a break, so that you can continue to take care of her.

You are 40. Waiting for mom to pass is not a life for her, much less for you. You need a job, not a temp job, a real one. Can mom go to adult day care? I understand she won't want to, but that is not the point.

If you can't see yourself pulling away from mom, you may want to see a therapist.
Unless you are wealthy, you will need a job. What about your own retirement? You cannot wait until 60 to start planning for that.

Bluntly, a 40 year old without a career, much less a job, will have a very difficult time dating. Not because women are gold-diggers, but most women want to be with someone that can offer security and has at least an equivalent job. More importantly, you need to be your own man before you think of sharing a life with someone else.

Live your life. Mom did.

Im 48 and have chest pains from the stress of not just caring for my mum but having no life! Get your life back now who says you cant do both? I am chomping at the bit to get my life back on track and soon im just not in a financial situation yet to get my life back so please do it if you can life is too short!
Hey captain there are some nice women out there BUT i can imagine that being a carer means that we are suckers and some people male and female pray on this you just have to wise up to the genuine of the species!!! I know I would find it attractive to know a man who cared so much for his mum! I dont need my automobile fixed I need AN AUTOMOBILE gotta find a sucker to get me one!!!!

i just spent 6 years with my mom up until her final breath. during that time every woman i met was a user who wanted her automobile fixed. in hindsight mom had no sneaky agenda like that. she just loved, trusted and needed me. time well spent, heck with those skanks.
yea theres angst watching your life slip past but i contend that caring for her was more rewarding than than dating insincere women.

Mymomsson, I'm sure that you know the answer to your question. Asking it allows us to give you confirmation and permission to do what you know you need to do. Your life is important. Your mother's life is important. The tidiness of the house is way down the list somewhere.

If your mother is in her final stage of life, that puts a little different spin on things. Then she should be on hospice, you should be getting support and encouragement from the hospice team, and your unwillingness to leave the house makes more sense. Hospice offered me some respite care, but I declined, saying I could deal with the last few months with my own support system.

But you do not indicate that your mother is near death. Any of us could die at any time, of course. Knowing that should help us be kind to each other and resolve relationship problems quickly. But it does not call for us to cling to each other. It does not call for us to give up our own living anticipating someone else's death.

It is possible, but not very likely (unless she is already in final stage), that Mother could die while you are away. It is possible that she could die while you are asleep, or in the shower. It is possible (but not very likely) that you could die while you are away. These things are out of our hands. Trying to structure our lives around the possibility of unexpected death is just not healthy. (My attitude is a little different once someone is in the active process of dying.)

Please do not base all of your decisions on what Mother says she wants or thinks is necessary. She is not well. She may not be capable of seeing the big picture. People who are ill often become self-centered in ways they cannot help. You must do what is right for you, as well as do your best for your mother.

Talk to your own spiritual leader. Is it right to not fully embrace this life you have been given? How can you balance your love of your mother and the commandment to love yourself?

I hope that you can start living your own life now.

Part of why I haven't is I'm afraid that during the time I'm away, Mom will pass away. I have found out that I can request a Christian nurse, which would also answer her spiritual needs as well as physical better than I can despite being the same faith.

YES, get your life started!!! Use respite care, do what you have to!!! I use monthly respite care and it has done wonders. I'm 42, my mother will be 81 in January. I still like going to theme parks and concerts, which we can't do with mom. We use out of the house respite care. My husband and I drop her off for 1 week per month. It makes me a better caregiver to have this alone time with the hubby. You need the time to find yourself. Mom had been living with us for a year before I started the use of respite care. I had forgotten about the world outside. It's still there!!!

Of course you do and do it now.