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My 94 yr old mom has been in A.L. for 4 weeks. She is beginning to lament over how her life used to be, and how she has no life of her own in A.L. She misses cooking, grocery shopping, just the freedoms we take for granted in our daily lives. She has earlier stages of dementia. If I brought mother to my home (30 miles away) for a day, maybe do some cooking, have a meal, play with kitties, would that be a good or bad idea?

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HI LightingRod-I'd love to give you an optimistic answer here but I have about 12 years of listening to my mother talk about how great her life was in the past. I even fell into moving her once because she complained so much about her place. After that she talked about how much she missed the place she was complaining about. We feel guilty for keeping them safe and taken care of, they complain about everything. I'm sure she would enjoy a day at your home but per my experience will continue to complain about her living circumstance. It's so difficult for us as their children to watch the decline, feel guilty about our role in limiting their freedom to keep them safe. Take care of yourself and know you are doing your best for your mom. This is a difficult and thankless role we are in, learn to care for yourself and know you're doing your best for your mom. It can go on for a long time. This forum helps!
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As much as we’d love to do this, it hasn’t been practical during the year our LO has been in a locked memory unit in a very nice, very nearby AL.

She often refuses to dress, so planning to include her is awkward and not always comfortable for her, and there are no memory devices that prompt her to get up and dressed if she’s not inclined.

Although she continues to be reasonably sociable with us, her adjustment to her new arrangements did not go smoothly early on.

In our experience, adjustment took much longer than 4 weeks. After she’d been in Memory Care for about 4 months, she needed to leave briefly for an appointment with an orthopedist. She gratefully returned to her room when the appointment was over.
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In my own experience it wasn’t a great experience for my mom. What if instead of taking her to a “home” environment where she might get even more sad or depressed upon returning to the AL...what if you just took her to the grocery store to pick up things she may need? Or clothes shopping if she’s able? Then just return to the AL. Still gets her out, but might not be as hard on her.
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LightingRod Jun 2019
Thanks so much for relaying your suggestion. I'm going to try a grocery store trip. She needs some personal items, and some snacks. Going to the store is one of the things she seems to miss the most. This forum continues to be my contact with sanity thru this strange journey of my mother transforming into my child.
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I may try it once since she is in early stages. But make a point its just for the day. If you think its going to be hard getting her back in the car, tell her your going for a ride.
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I can only offer my own experience. My mom has been in memory care for about 3 years now. I bring her home for visits for family functions and keep her overnight from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. She seems to like these visits, especially loves to be with our dog. It's stressful for me, having to make sure there are no fall risks, doling out her many meds at the right times, and sleeping with one eye open in case of attempted escapes, but it's only one day and it makes her happy.
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I really wouldn't. I do honestly think you'd be sorry, and she'd suffer.

What activities does the ALF offer? It would be so, so much better if you could get her to engage with what's there. Does she not have any opportunities at all to cook, even in a very basic, limited way? No outings to malls, or anything like that?

Four weeks is not very long, so I'm hoping these are teething troubles only and it's not the case that there is really, literally, nothing for her to enjoy doing at the facility.
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My mother is in AL. This is her 4th place since Oct, 2015. We used to take her out to lunch, coffee, etc., but as her dementia progressed, she would not want to go back in to her place. Not a good thing for her. Now, understand, it hasn't made any difference when mother has lived, she always wants to come stay with us a while or wants to go home. No place has been home to her. We totally understand. It's always hard on us. So we can relate how it's difficult for you.
Mother now lives in a very nice AL with loving caretakers, just 6 minutes from our home. The director says that when we aren't there she is happy, eats well, always smiling and visits and loves on everybody. She has her routine, walking 10 miles a day with her rolator. We hear directly from residents how much they just love her. Her quality of life is amplified partly because we don't visit but maybe once every 10 days to 2 weeks. This may sound awful, but mother's life there needs to be as happy and full as possible. She's been there for 3 1/2 months so her acclamation to her new home is still happening.
Said all this to say, it's hard. Sounds like your mother has more memories intact which she missing her past life. Makes it hard.
My mother's long term memory is pretty well gone but she has a sustained memory of her mom & dad...always needing to go visit them or she needs to get home to take care of the kids. Short term memory is very little.
It's a contiuous journey that changes by the day. It's probably not a good idea to take your mother out. But it's your call as I don't know your mother.
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anonymous683453 Jun 2019
Seems like the more I visit my dad, the less interaction he has at the nursing home he is in. He waits for my visit, instead of going to the activity room.
Plus, with age related dementia worsening from mini strokes or something, he repeats the same stuff every time I visit, and it gets old. "How much money do I have, do I still have my car, or my motor home? Why doesn't mom visit? " Moms been dead 15 years, motor home sold 20 years ago, etc. I reassure him he has no worries about anything, but it's always the same conversation. So I decided to keep visits to once a week, sometimes twice, and to keep visits short, usually half an hour, sometimes less if he doesn't feel well.
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It would be a bad idea to bring her to your house, cuz it confuses her ability to adapt to the new ALF. I felt guilty & sorry for my mother also, but the social worker told me that my mother was already having trouble adapting to her new ALF routine.
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My Mom enjoys visits to her children's houses - hanging out in the kitchen, etc. It is a welcome break for her. I think it depends on your mother. I personally think it is worth a try to see how it goes. Try it once, and if it works well you can repeat.
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My mom had been at her AL about a week and we went by her home to look for a hearing aid - mistake . Thought I was never gonna get her out of there and when I did she was just trying to pick up anything she could hold to bring with her . It was so sad .i have not taken her back . We have been cleaning out 30 years worth of collecting in getting ready to sell and it’s a disaster . I still don’t know if I’ll take her after it’s cleaned out . She can be very stubborn and a predictable “ unpredictable ness “. I think it’s individual but if they are at a childish and unreasonable stage theres no telling what might happen
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Bad idea. This will keep the idea going in her mind that she is in AL temporarily and “going back home” is always a possibility.
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My mother has dementia and has been living with me and my husband going on 2 years. We tested the waters a little and would take her to her home with us when we were doing yardwork. She would get to sit on her porch and see some of her neighbors who were close family. First couple times went well and no trouble getting her to go back with us. Then about the third time she said "I think I'll try it" meaning she wanted to try to stay at her home. We stayed really late that night because we had a very hard time getting her to go back with us! Even then I had to make up something to get her in the truck and when we got home she was very very upset! We haven't been back since. It makes me so sad that we can't but try to tell myself it's probably for the best. Also I would take her to her sister's to visit who lives in the same neighborhood. That went pretty well but she would say when we drove up "they've brought me home!" Didn't have a problem getting her to go back with me and never stopped taking her to her sister's house until her standing/walking got bad. Just felt she needed that connection with family. Although after those visits her sundowner's seemed kinda worse for few days. Everyone is different. You could try it once and see how it goes. That sounds so very calming getting to play with the kittens and it is at your house not hers. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. These situations with our aging parents are so very hard to deal with.
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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
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MargaretMcKen Jun 2019
Well her mother probably can't take OP out for the day, so it's tricky to implement this.
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