Is shadowing driving you nuts?

Frazzled, bumping this up as I think it got lost in the shuffle.

I don't have any experience with this issue, but it sounds unbearable! Especially to me as an introvert. Arghh!!

You're a saint and your mom is lucky to have you. :) I hope others have some insights for you.

I don't have a solution either but it would drive me nuts to have someone follow me around all day everyday.....while I care for a baby! I got anxious just reading about it.

Have you told your mom to not follow you?

Yes, I've asked her at various times not to hover over me. It might be a little better for a little while but by later in the day she's back at it again.

I'm an introvert also which makes it doubly hard dealing with the clinginess. To an extent, mom has always been this way even before her illness. She's always been the type of person who hates to be alone and needs people around all the time. The illness and paranoia have just amplified it x 100. I am the exact opposite. I have always needed my space and alone time, which is why she and I haven't lived together before now since I left home at 16.

She got her feelings hurt because I told her earlier she couldn't go with me to run a 30 minute errand. I told her I needed some time to myself. I guess in this process I am learning how to set a few boundaries. Baby steps.

My husband does the same thing (except wanting to wear my clothes) ;-) He follows me everywhere including the bathroom. I have tripped over him or he has stepped on my heels so many times as I go about housework, gardening, etc. I know when I am getting ready to stop, turn and pick up something, but he hasn't a clue. I have to keep up a loud, continuous narrative of what I'm doing next. Even out in public. He looks over my shoulder as I read the newspaper. Maddening!!! He was never home during his career and I learned to be alone and busy on my own once our children left home. For the past 6 weeks he has been in all day adult day care and I am just beginning to have normal days again. I had no idea how much I needed to have some alone time. Maybe your mom could try a day (or 5) at a senior center so you could breathe again.

Oh, my gosh, you caregivers with shadowers are SAINTS! I couldn't handle that for a day. I think daycare is a great idea for Frazzledmama's mom if you could get her to go. Setting some boundaries is a good thing too. Don't take away your happiness by trying to please or placate mom all of the time. My heart goes out to you both dealing with this.

Frazzled, I would suggest that she be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. There may a medication that would help. Sometimes clinginess is due to fear and anxiety.

Setting firm boundaries are good too. You need to have time. Contact your area Agency for Aging. They may have a program that would assist you in getting some respite. Perhaps an in home attendant for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

Your doing the best you can for your Mom. You need to take care of yourself too.

I so appreciate all of the good suggestions! I'm very glad I found this forum.

Boundaries are something I'm still working on. When I first told mom we needed to make arrangements to get her some home care, we also talked about the option of AL. She didn't completely shut it down, just said she didn't know what she wants to do. She said she really wants to stay here with us and got her feelings hurt saying that, "you just don't want me here."

I told her I love her and it's not the way it sounds, but that we need some space and time to be able to take care of our kids too. It's been awhile since I had that conversation with her, and when the time comes to make the transition back to her home, once I get some care lined up, I'm not quite sure how to bring it back up to her without her freaking out.

I'm talking to different agencies right now as far as cost and availability, and even looking into recommendations for private caregivers. Her attorney recommended one that I'm going to call.

We're going to try some home care at first, maybe with her still here a few days also, for a little while and see how it goes. But if not, I have no idea how to bring up to her about touring AL facilities. With the paranoia, I have a feeling it's going to eventually come to that.

I don't even know how to go about talking to her about going back her house when the time comes. I've told her the arrangement living here us just temporary, but I think deep down she's hoping we'll change our minds and she can just live with us forever.

Adult day care would be a blessing and a sanity saver, but I don't think she would go for it, or know how to approach that subject either. I'm an at home mom but run a part time business from home as well, but she sees no reason why she can't be here with me all the time, every second of the day. If my 20 month old were older and in school, I'd get a job outside of the house just so I could get away and use work as an excuse :)

Have any of you guys had "the talk" like this with your parents, and how did you go about it? I think I'm just afraid of confrontation and to an extent still trying to placate like blannie mentioned.

Frazzled, in one of the posts somewhere on this site I read something that has stuck with me: Caregiving has to be a two-way street. It can't be all about just placating mom, doing what she wants, having everything her way. You have valid needs and wants too.

Thanks, SnoopyLove. :) My therapist told me today basically that same thing. She also said I needed to consider how this is affecting my husband and kids. My poor youngest son (12) is so frustrated with her here he is about to pull his hair out too.

We had planned a week long vacation at the beginning of July way before mom moved in. I was actually thinking of cancelling, because I think with mom it would just be more work than fun, but in researching AL facilities, I learned that some offer respite services, and some even do a free night or two hoping to sell you on the facilities.

We may do a week of respite care at a nice AL facility and it would be a safe place for mom for the week where she is well taken care of, plus she would be able to "try out" the place and see how she likes it. I know she's not going to be exactly enthused about the idea, but if I can find her a good place that she likes, I really feel she would thrive more there, maybe in a semi-private room with a roommate, and activities that she might enjoy.

She has no friends and doesn't like to go much of anywhere, but if a place like that could help her get out of her comfort zone, I think she might thrive there better than she would being isolated at home, either hers or mine, especially as young as she is. I want her to be able to enjoy her life, which she really hasn't much up to this point, and I know I can't make that happen, but maybe a change of scenery would help.

I'm just excited that we're making a tiny bit of progress in hopefully getting a plan coming together. It's like the light at the end of the tunnel coming into view.

FrazzledMama, I applaud both your wiliness to take your mother into your home (even temporarily) and your self-honesty about your issues with your mother being there. You cannot really find workable solutions if you cannot be honest with yourself but many people are not until well after they explode.

As far as conversations with your mother, you also need to be honest about mom's capabilities too, then I suggest engaging your mother on your team. Explain to mom that she had family time without grandparents as you were growing up and you need some of that same time with your family and that WE need to find something that works for BOTH of us to create that time. Remember almost everyone is afraid of the unknown - adult day care and AL are the unknown. Talk about adult day care and ask her to attend 2 days a week to start (Tue & Thu?) as though you never considered that she wouldn't do this for you. As she becomes accustomed and day care becomes the known, add a day (maybe Wed?, then Fri?, then Mon?). As much as possible, I would try to limit changes like this to one at a time. Once she's settled in day care, tackle AL for respite. This is not only for family vacations. She needs to adjust to/learn about AL just in case you or another family member were injured or ill and you could not take care of her for some time frame. Every care giver needs a backup available - at least for short periods.

in dealing with frustrations with your mother's care and presence in your home, I suggest you try to start looking at issues as "mom's problem" and "not mom's problem". My own mother has short term memory problems. So she doesn't remember that she asked me that same exact question every 5-10 minutes for the last hour. That's not Mom's problem (she cannot stop doing it) - that's MY problem to deal with. Sometimes I need to count a few numbers or take a deep breathe before I can respond to her in the same polite and cheerful manner as I did the first time she asked that question. But Mom deserves that and it's my problem to figure out a way to handle that particular issue.

When my mother first came to live with me after being verbally and emotionally abused by my older sibling, she was afraid and anxious that her son would show up at my house (which he did before his lawyer had a restraining order discussion with him). She followed me around a lot and I had trouble dealing with that too. One method I used to handle it was to engage my mother in what was going on so she wasn't standing over me. Even if she was just sitting in a chair 10 feet away that was somehow so much better than standing just 5 feet away and moving every time I did. So the saddle stool in one corner of the kitchen became her perch when I was cooking or cleaning in the kitchen. We kept up a conversation on what I was making, how her mother used to cook something, how much her father like cornbread, how cute the grand-grandchild that visited that afternoon is, etc. If there was some cooking task I could hand off - peeling apples/potatoes or rolling out the biscuits - I did that too. Fortunately for me, as time passed without my brother causing any more problems, my mother felt more secure and this behavior has mostly gone away. Maybe with time and proper medications, most of your mother's following behavior will abate too.

Definitely keep your July vacation, as you originally planned. Put Mom in AL for temporary respite that week. (Send her one day early, so you can pack in peace.) Try some adult day afternoons 1x or 2x a week soon, to get Mom comfortable with companionship that’s not you. (((((Big hugs. This is hard.)))))

You all are so helpful and supportive, I appreciate it! :) I had done a lot of online searching and requests for info - well, A Place For Mom reached out to me today and gave me a number of cost estimates for both home care and AL, and there are a couple of AL places here that would be within mom's budget and less expensive than home care.

I was a little wary because I've read mixed reviews about A Place for Mom, but so far the lady I talked to was very kind and helpful, and is going to be sending an email with the info we discussed as well.

So, I bit the bullet and talked some more about it with Mom. I took your suggestion, TNtechie as far as discussing it with her as though there were no question that she would do this for us, and also as far as working together as a team, that we're going to find her the best care for her possible and that this is for her and US. Though we discussed home care vs. AL, rather than the day care, since she was here with me when I was on the phone.

I think you're right too as far as some of mom's fear is probably because, as I found out during the guardianship proceedings, she spent over a year being abused by my sister, verbally, financially, and emotionally, and had turned physical at the end, which is why I brought her to live here. To some degree, I'm sure she has PTSD along with her other illnesses.

As for her reaction to the conversation, to my surprise, though she wasn't jumping for joy at the options, she actually seemed more receptive to AL vs. home care, so I asked the rep to set us up for a tour of one on Sat, and we'll see how it goes.

Update - The tour on Saturday went well overall. Mom seemed receptive if not exactly overjoyed. She complained about too many people yet can't stand to be alone.

This place though was more like Independent Living and we would have to pay extra for medication and blood sugar management. We have another tour set up next week with an AL facility.

This is off-topic, but I just read another thread that was talking about the effects of anesthesia. Can anesthesia cause dementia or permanent cognitive impairment?

A little background on my mom's health, she is 56 years old as I have mentioned. Has been a type 2 diabetic since in her 30s. Has pretty much always struggled with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but I had never seen her psychotic, delusional or hearing voices that I can remember until back in 2011 after she was hospitalized for a diabetic coma essentially. Her blood glucose was over 1000 (I want to say something like 1200).

Essentially she got sick with flu or stomach bug and got severely dehydrated, couldn't keep her oral medication down (was not always the best at taking it either) and her boyfriend at the time notified family that she was incoherent. She was pretty much non-responsive when we got to the hospital.

I seem to remember she was put under anesthesia for something. I think it was that they kept her sedated on dialysis for a few days because her kidneys were failing. She was able to regain kidney function ultimately but had to stay on dialysis a number of days in ICU.

After she regained consciousness, she went into a full blown psychotic episode, yelling and screaming that they were trying to kill her in there, having visual and auditory hallucinations, and extreme paranoia, trying to call police from her room, etc.

I had never seen her like that before, but it seems like ever since, her paranoia has slowly gotten worse, to the point now she is afraid to be alone for more than a couple of hours, and afraid that people are watching her through the windows (that have blackout curtains on them) or that people are outside talking about her. I had to buy the blackout curtains for the room where she is sleeping because she was scared to sleep there as long as any light was coming in. She is basically a recluse and hardly wants to leave the house.

The doctors have diagnosed her as paranoid schizophrenic, MRI shows no major issues other than ordinary age-related changes and mild changes from her diabetes, but no stroke, anything like that. Neurologist had her stop the antipsychotic drugs for 6 months (it's been about 3 months now) to try and see if maybe she has PD or if her PD like movement symptoms are caused by the antipsychotic meds. I have seen overall cognitive and movement improvement since she's been off of them and on Cogentin, but the paranoia is still there, along with the hearing voices. She still had them when she was on the psych meds too, but the meds just zoned her out more.

I guess I need to bring up to her neurologist at her next app (not until Sept) about the anesthesia she was given in 2011. Have any of you had experience with anesthesia causing anything like this?

My mother had several surgeries over her lifetime: hysterectomy (age 37), gallbladder (44), one hip and both knee replacements (64&65), and rotor cuff repair (73) with no negative impacts from anesthesia. In 2008 Mom started having some short term memory issues, the problem progressed very slowly until 2015 when she had two cataract surgeries three months apart at age 83. For the first time, she had a couple of real memory problems - not recognizing an office she had visited at least twice a year for over a decade (I've never been here, when did they move into this office). During the next three months, Mom had all kinds of testing with negative results and was finally diagnosed with MCI (26 of 30). After about a year and a big stress removal (no longer care giver for my father with advanced vascular dementia), Mom went back to just short term memory problems and stabilized. She's currently back to a slow decline in short term memory and what we would normally call long term memory for the last decade (when short term memory gaps could not be stored into long term memory). The propofol she was given is known to impact memory in healthy 50 year olds - one professor could not go back to work for over 6 months because she couldn't lecture from her own notes. I think it had a very bad impact on my mother. I have read of others who had no apparent dementia problems who come out of surgery completing skipping early dementia to take up mid to advanced - often with no recovery of earlier functioning. I even wonder now if the rotor cuff repair anesthesia started the short term memory issues which became noticeable 3 years later.

I believe based on the research I did after my mom's cataract surgeries, if the mind already has an impairment - even one that's not bad enough to show many signs yet - anesthesia advances that impairment, often permanently. The twilight versions (versed and propofol) seem to be worse than the full anesthesia used for major surgeries. If your elder has any signs of age related decline in mental functioning, I would really consider if any elective surgery is worth the risk or if nerve blocks and sedatives could be used instead of anesthesia. For any elder that is having surgery I would prepare for there to be a period of days to months duration following surgery where mental functioning is impaired.