Seriously, what can I do about sexual abuse from my father? - AgingCare.com

Seriously, what can I do about sexual abuse from my father?

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He is 86. He has a pat history of abuse, but it was 50 years ago, so I thought it was safe to bring him into my home 4 years ago after his mild stroke. He is in a wheelchair b/c of poor circ. in his feet & legs. He is 75% deaf & legally blind. He processes slow, speaks slow, but he is NOT demented at all according to his doctor who he saw last week due to a cold. He spoke to both my daughter and niece (in their early 20's) in an extremely vulgar way, then grabbed my niece. Both young women are traumatized. This just happened yesterday and I too am still in shock and do not know what to do. I seriously do not think I can care for him any more as I cannot even look him in the eye. His only income is SS. He is a Vet. I need both immediate, short term and long term options...help us get him out please!

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Keep him AWAY from the kids. Call the VA for placement ASAP.
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As a Veteran he may be able to be placed in a vets home as it sounds as though he needs skilled nursing care. Use this as a teaching experience for these two young women so they can learn how to protect themselves in the big bad world. If worse comes to worse you can take him to the ER on some pretext and refuse to take him back again telling them you can no longer take care of him.Try and get him to a mental health facility for a thorough evaluation. As far as dementia is concerned a semi social visit to his PCP is not going to be an evaluation of dementia. As people here know as dementia advances inhibitions and other filters slip away so you can expect more similar behaviour so keep temptation out of his way till you can get him placed
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Lolaurie, sorry, I kind of went off on how horrible this situation is, and clearly you do already get that, from what you wrote.

The VA has social workers that can help with housing assistance. Also there are shelters (not as bad an option as it may sound) that will take single males immediately and perhaps he can just stay in a shelter until you can arrange for social worker to pick up his case and find placement for him. Hope this helps.
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Sigh. I am live in caregiver for my father who has treated me as sexual object since I was a child. I have been on receiving end of his skin-crawling stares, comments, and gropes in past couple of years I've been in his home… as well as enduring them during infrequent visits all my life. I don't think any human being should be in this position. Just get him out of your life so that your young relatives, that you love, don't have to endure any more painful, bad memories than they've already been subjected to. Give them what I wish someone older would've given me a long time ago: a clear signal that this is not ok behavior, and they don't have to just put up with it. Its my opinion that much of their own ideas of self esteem, and their ability to form healthy relationships with opposite sex, can be affected greatly by keeping this man around them. Take this very seriously, please.
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I hate to think all of the girls that a person that age may have assaulted. Do all of those females a favor and convince the girls to file charges. Do not keep him in your home one more day. (I read about men exposing themselves, when it is assumed they are to oold to do anyone harm.)
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The important thing is the lesson your daughter and your niece take away from this stomach-turning encounter. It needs to be made clear that:

they do not ever have to tolerate unacceptable speech or behaviour
you will not fail to support them
they have a right to feel safe, and especially in their own homes

I don't think you should continue to house your father. Actually, this is not because of today's upsetting incident; it's because of the history that you believed was laid to rest but that clearly, in fact, is not. The dragon is not dead. Do not keep it in your house.

Separately, I think you should discuss what has happened with the two young women. I think it will be more helpful to them for you to set out clearly where the boundaries are, where they were breached, and what options they have for dealing with it. Then listen closely to what THEY want to do about it.

Realistically, there is no need for there to be any further risk to them. If the man is wheelchair bound, there is no reason for them to go within hearing, let alone grabbing, distance of him. If they want HIM kept away from them, do that, and tell him unapologetically why. If they want to demand an apology from him, assist that; and if it's not forthcoming, condemn the refusal, too. If they want charges brought, I'd be very surprised and I'm not sure it wouldn't just disillusion them regarding the attitude of the authorities, but if they do then guide them through the process.

Above all teach them that when things like this happen they do NOT have feel harmed by them. What the old man did was disgusting, and unacceptable, and must not be repeated. But they have been disgusted and insulted. They haven't been harmed. It's very important that they see themselves not as victims, but as people who deal capably with, and react proportionately to, adverse and distressing events. If you can turn this into a confidence-building exercise for them, at least you'll wring some benefit from a horrible situation.
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tell the doc to crash his testosterone level till hes ironing and watching oprah.
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Call the police, RIGHT NOW. This man is commiting crimes. It does NOT matter his age or disability.
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It is stunning how little some people understand the law. He didn't abuse a person who is incapable of reporting him themselves. In addition, without a statement from the actual victim(s), most likely a case would never even be heard.

On top of that, these girls may not want to go public with their experience, and that is TOTALLY WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS. To make that sort of decision for them would be disrespectful if not totally rude.

Adult protective services should have some sort of crisis prevention team available, and if they can't assist you, they may be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck, I really hope you find a way to take of this quickly and painlessly!
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Well of course the prisons won't want him, it's too much work and they are not a nursing home. But any judge in his right mind would remand him to a secure facility where he can't do any more damage. There are many things that you can excuse due to mental incapacity, but not criminal behavior. Knowledge of a crime with failure to report and failure to protect is punishable in a court of law, often with million dollar judgments against those who tried to cover it up and let it slide.
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