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He is 86. He has a pat history of abuse, but it was 50 years ago, so I thought it was safe to bring him into my home 4 years ago after his mild stroke. He is in a wheelchair b/c of poor circ. in his feet & legs. He is 75% deaf & legally blind. He processes slow, speaks slow, but he is NOT demented at all according to his doctor who he saw last week due to a cold. He spoke to both my daughter and niece (in their early 20's) in an extremely vulgar way, then grabbed my niece. Both young women are traumatized. This just happened yesterday and I too am still in shock and do not know what to do. I seriously do not think I can care for him any more as I cannot even look him in the eye. His only income is SS. He is a Vet. I need both immediate, short term and long term options...help us get him out please!

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Keep him AWAY from the kids. Call the VA for placement ASAP.
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As a Veteran he may be able to be placed in a vets home as it sounds as though he needs skilled nursing care. Use this as a teaching experience for these two young women so they can learn how to protect themselves in the big bad world. If worse comes to worse you can take him to the ER on some pretext and refuse to take him back again telling them you can no longer take care of him.Try and get him to a mental health facility for a thorough evaluation. As far as dementia is concerned a semi social visit to his PCP is not going to be an evaluation of dementia. As people here know as dementia advances inhibitions and other filters slip away so you can expect more similar behaviour so keep temptation out of his way till you can get him placed
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Lolaurie, sorry, I kind of went off on how horrible this situation is, and clearly you do already get that, from what you wrote.

The VA has social workers that can help with housing assistance. Also there are shelters (not as bad an option as it may sound) that will take single males immediately and perhaps he can just stay in a shelter until you can arrange for social worker to pick up his case and find placement for him. Hope this helps.
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Sigh. I am live in caregiver for my father who has treated me as sexual object since I was a child. I have been on receiving end of his skin-crawling stares, comments, and gropes in past couple of years I've been in his home… as well as enduring them during infrequent visits all my life. I don't think any human being should be in this position. Just get him out of your life so that your young relatives, that you love, don't have to endure any more painful, bad memories than they've already been subjected to. Give them what I wish someone older would've given me a long time ago: a clear signal that this is not ok behavior, and they don't have to just put up with it. Its my opinion that much of their own ideas of self esteem, and their ability to form healthy relationships with opposite sex, can be affected greatly by keeping this man around them. Take this very seriously, please.
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I hate to think all of the girls that a person that age may have assaulted. Do all of those females a favor and convince the girls to file charges. Do not keep him in your home one more day. (I read about men exposing themselves, when it is assumed they are to oold to do anyone harm.)
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The important thing is the lesson your daughter and your niece take away from this stomach-turning encounter. It needs to be made clear that:

they do not ever have to tolerate unacceptable speech or behaviour
you will not fail to support them
they have a right to feel safe, and especially in their own homes

I don't think you should continue to house your father. Actually, this is not because of today's upsetting incident; it's because of the history that you believed was laid to rest but that clearly, in fact, is not. The dragon is not dead. Do not keep it in your house.

Separately, I think you should discuss what has happened with the two young women. I think it will be more helpful to them for you to set out clearly where the boundaries are, where they were breached, and what options they have for dealing with it. Then listen closely to what THEY want to do about it.

Realistically, there is no need for there to be any further risk to them. If the man is wheelchair bound, there is no reason for them to go within hearing, let alone grabbing, distance of him. If they want HIM kept away from them, do that, and tell him unapologetically why. If they want to demand an apology from him, assist that; and if it's not forthcoming, condemn the refusal, too. If they want charges brought, I'd be very surprised and I'm not sure it wouldn't just disillusion them regarding the attitude of the authorities, but if they do then guide them through the process.

Above all teach them that when things like this happen they do NOT have feel harmed by them. What the old man did was disgusting, and unacceptable, and must not be repeated. But they have been disgusted and insulted. They haven't been harmed. It's very important that they see themselves not as victims, but as people who deal capably with, and react proportionately to, adverse and distressing events. If you can turn this into a confidence-building exercise for them, at least you'll wring some benefit from a horrible situation.
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tell the doc to crash his testosterone level till hes ironing and watching oprah.
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Call the police, RIGHT NOW. This man is commiting crimes. It does NOT matter his age or disability.
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It is stunning how little some people understand the law. He didn't abuse a person who is incapable of reporting him themselves. In addition, without a statement from the actual victim(s), most likely a case would never even be heard.

On top of that, these girls may not want to go public with their experience, and that is TOTALLY WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS. To make that sort of decision for them would be disrespectful if not totally rude.

Adult protective services should have some sort of crisis prevention team available, and if they can't assist you, they may be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck, I really hope you find a way to take of this quickly and painlessly!
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Well of course the prisons won't want him, it's too much work and they are not a nursing home. But any judge in his right mind would remand him to a secure facility where he can't do any more damage. There are many things that you can excuse due to mental incapacity, but not criminal behavior. Knowledge of a crime with failure to report and failure to protect is punishable in a court of law, often with million dollar judgments against those who tried to cover it up and let it slide.
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Contrary to what some people think being old dosent make u an angel ...young perv old perv ...young abuser ..old abuser ..unless Jesus changes your attitude and set u free ...your just gonna get worse and worse ...we are not required to be abused again and again because they are old and weak ...there are places for them to go ..
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Definitely get him out of your home. You didn't say if he had ever tried to abuse you. I went through having my uncle try to abuse me when I was a young girl and now I'm stuck taking care of him. He lives by himself, but I have to fix one meal a day for him, drive him to appointments and take care of lots of his problems. I hate having to be around him and I never encouraged my kids (boys) to go around him. He's always telling me how it really hurts his feelings because my kids don't come see him. I think kids just kind of sense when someone is creepy and don't want to have anything to do with them. Uncle was at my house the other day when I was keeping my little granddaughter. She is 15 mo. old. I went to change her diaper and he followed me and was acting really interested in watching. I gave him a really dirty stare and he left the room to which I shut the door. No way I will ever ever leave her alone even for a minute with him. He is 91, so I don't think they ever get too old to be abusive. There is no way I would live under the same roof with the man.
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Well...like everyone else said, this has to end. It sounds like an situation that cannot be salvaged.

What he did is not called abuse, it's called assault. Talk to the girls and ask them if they want the police involved or not. The police may or may not take action, but it's the girl's decision to make since they were the victims. Although I'm not totally sure on this, I believe the police can sometimes remove someone in order to have a psychiatric evaluation done.

I am going to assume they do not want the police involved since neither girl has reported this incident. In that case, you need to call adult protective services ASAP and fill them in on the situation, and inform them he is no longer welcome in your home and you will not be involved in caring for him anymore.

And as far as "you will be jail next to him", let's just try to calm down a bit. He didn't abuse young children, these are adult who can make their own choices. Unless you somehow helped him assault these girls or lie about it if the cops ask you, it is in no way "aiding and abetting or even accessory."
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I agree you need to remove him from your home. As for calling the police, unless he is a registered sex offender or has a criminal history of sexual abuse, the police may be reluctant to arrest a wheelchair bound elderly man in his condition. I would definately inquire about this type of behavior with the police. Your niece would have to file charges of sexual assault for the police to do anything. Is your niece up to going forward? You can also call the Sexual Abuse Hotline for advice.
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yes, I guess ptsteg, they could call it aiding and abetting or even accessory.
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OUT OUT OUT call the cops, get him OUT and do not delay. O-U-T. Of course his doctor thinks he is ok, he's never made a pass at the doctor, but I'll bet the nurses can give you all the details you need. If you don't call the cops and these girls report him, you will be in jail next to him. O-U-T.
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I agree as well. Regardless of how old he is or what his impairments are he's an abuser, he's sick and he needs to be out of your home away from the young ladies in your family. You have no obligation to him, he lost any support you may have given him when he became vulgar and threatening. Get him placed in a NH as soon as you can.
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I agree with JB. Find a way to get him out of your home now!

Call the veterans administration to find out what benefits he may be entitled to. They probably even have an emergency procedure.
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I would show support to your daughter and niece and remove him from your home. Does he receive veteran benefits? Do you think he will qualify for them? If so, you may want to begin the application process. Unfortunately, that can take a while and you need to find him a place faster. I would contact an organization such as A Place for Mom and have them locate housing for him.

This seems rapid and harsh, but you don't want your daughter and niece to feel they can't come visit you because of their grandfather's behavior. I hope you'll be able to find something good quickly. Many hugs coming your way.
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