123@Give A Hug I too really admire you! I feel selfish because my husband with dementia no longers satisfies me . It no longer feels like give and take but just take and take.
I only know what my mom said about sex with my father after his heart attack and stroke. She said they were both too terrified he would have another heart attack, there was an unspoken agreement that sex was a thing of the past.
Thank God! My mother would have been a total wreck if he had a second heart attack while they were gettin' it on.
Speaking as a woman, we have the same yearnings for sex and intimacy and to feel the love that we used to feel. I was lucky enough to have my husband tell me he really loves me and to hold my hand for 30 minutes before he fell asleep the other night! We were so close and totally devoted to each other. I really miss his daily love and attention. But at age 70, I don't think I will ever feel that intimacy again. Nor do I want to. How can you turn off that love, and want it from someone else. Yes, I guess guys are different that way! I am satisfied to have him near me even if he is a million miles away in his mind! I miss the old Bill and I know that I will see him normal again when we all get to Heaven. I will love talking to him there and giving him lots of hugs! He was not only my lover, he was my best friend and now he is so lost in his own world!
1Youngoldguy, I am very, very sorry for you. Been there myself. In fact it is surprising how many people are in a sexless marriage from medical causes. We are not alone! What to do about it? As a caregiver and the breadearner I didn't have time or energy to do much of anything about it. Satisfying a normal libido can be a DIY project, of course, and that is good as far as it goes. But it does not address the yearning for intimacy and interaction. It is a very tough burden. I considered it part of the "worse" in the "for better and for worse" clause.
What options are ethical? You need to be at peace with your actions. What do you consider ethical? I know what was right for me, but I don't judge others who make different decisions.
Really feel sorry for you, it's a rock and a hard place situation, the only satisfaction is on your end, it could begin to traumatize her as time goes on. I would not recommend a 3rd party either, unless she was in facility other then your home. A relative of mine did that, his wife was pitiful, knew no one, in a NH for years, he started socially going to dinner with a friend of both of theirs, I had no problem with that, you still have to live, but many in the family talked him into the ground. I am the opposite of you, female with normal libido a husband who knows my name but does not remember I am his wife so it's a no touch zone for me. You just get by, my husband lives at home and really sex is the least of my problems, trying to stay one step ahead of this horrible disease is my priority. Good luck with this.
1. Romance instead. If she's still interested in that. 2. Sympathy for her. I don't know what it's like to be the person with dementia, but I can imagine that the fear it must bring would do serious damage to your self-image. And that's even if the dementia hasn't robbed her yet of all capacity for desire. 3. Define 'ethical' in this context. Ethical as in being true to yourself? Or ethical as in doing her no harm that she is aware of? As a bare minimum, I would say do not involve any third parties; but I realise how restrictive that might be. I'm sorry for your predicament, it is very rough on you.
I care for my wife who is developing dementia. I have a normal libido, and she has none. Physically she is capable, but she has no desire nor emotional nor empathy. What are my ethical options?
Dear katydid5, I know exactly where your coming from, first of all my prayers top you amd all your ailing family God Bless you all. I am and have gone through the same thing with my husband in regards to the sex thing it's aLways been about him and at 86 years old he is now it continues, he has vascular dementia and I have been his only caregiver I am 20 years younger than him and he when he dosent get his way with me does not cry or any outburst but just the opposite he gives me the very cold treatment always has out is some less now but still happens. But I am trying to be strong when it occurred and enjoy the peace and quiet time but the air it's h hurtful. Anyway having your husband in a facility is the best prob for him and mostly for you DO NOT GIVE IN AND TAKE HIM HOME you are entitled to have your own time to, wish I did but mine is not quite ready for that care, but he is driving me nuts. Anywayjust wanted to chat with you and tell you not to feel quilty this is what they want, duo not know your case but mine is probably different I donot feel anything for mine in that way I care for him because he needs me and that is it as thru the years all the verbal abuse and controlling has caused me to lose any love that way. So hang in there sweety and God Bless you always. Keep in touch if you care to its nice top have someone to talk with in somewhat same situation.
my husband is in a nursing home right now. he has dementia, takes seizures, has tremors and has a broken hip. this all started big time after my son-in law died suddenly. my relationship went down hill many years ago, it was always about him! sex to him was always about him showing me his love, so he says, I had all the responsibilities of work and running a home. never taking in my feelings and emotions. he is now 87 and I'm 81 right now he wants out of the nursing home, does not know his limitations or my medical needs. but the bottom line is all our married life he pesetered me constantly about sex, now at 87 in the nursing home our conversation always are focused on sex. he winds up crying with outbursted of anger and frustration. the nurses and doctors are come se come sa they don't know what he's putting me through. he has threated to kill himself. he is on Lexapro, I know he is severely depressed, although he has dementia he is aware of where he's at, has some paranoria, his mind says I'm keeping him there on purpose, but in a way some of that is true cause he is hard to take care of, and I can't stand being pestering for sex all the time. by the way it is only directed at me (the spouse). by the way we had 5 children our son passed away 8 yrs ago, my other son has cancer, and my one daughter is battling kidney disease, my other daughter a young widow. left with nothing! now I have to deal with this. I know I'm not alone with these terribly issues, we all need prayers ,guidance and wisdom but its hard. thanks for listening peace with all of us!
I don't intend this to be disrespectful in any way, just informational. In Nevada, prostitution is legal in most of the counties. The counties which contain Reno and Las Vegas do not have legal prostitution. There are licensed inspected brothels around the rest of the state. The customers are male. There was a recent effort at providing male prostitutes but there was no market from female customers.
AloneInKy, you really cannot determine a timeframe with any accuracy. You'll know he is getting worse, but how long he'll stay stable before he changes again is anyone's guess.
Also, if he has the kind of dementia usually associated with Parkinson's it does not progress in "stages." Looking at the stages identified for Alzheimer's will only confuse you. LBD progresses mild-moderate-severe, but even that is fuzzy. My husband had very severe symptoms at the very beginning, and then settled into more mild symptoms.
My problem is my husband wants to be active, but can't remember how to do it. He asks what to do. That coupled his breath and frequent potty accidents turn me off. I will have to ask the DR. what to do for this!
Jeannegibbs - I had that book recommended by someone else recently and in fact have it on order. I'm anxious to read it. I'm sorry to hear you lost your husband a year ago, but when you say you cared for him for 10 years with the dementia, my heart certainly goes out to you. Here I am feeling sorry for myself after only 2 of dementia and 5 of TBI. The unknown is also hard--trying to read and guess what 'stage' I believe my his and is in, as it seems they can overlap in symptoms. he an no longer have sensible conversations and most of what he says is all nonsensical now but he's still able to walk without assistance, feed himself, brush his own teeth with aid and supervision. I know in time if his health holds out, the dementia will eventually get to where he has trouble swallowing and expect there will come a time when he can no longer get up and down and walk on his own. But how. Am you determine what kind of timeframe you are really looking at?
AloneInKy, I can related to what you are saying. My husband had a TBI and then 10 years later developed dementia. I cared for him at home through the dementia for 10 years. He died a year ago. The last 10 years of our marriage (25% of it) my role was not "wife." I now am a genuine widow. It was strange to go from a pseudo role to a real role!
A book that I found enormously helpful talks about "ambiguous grief" we feel for a loved one who is there but not there at the same time. I highly recommend the book. It is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. She gets it. That helps.
I don't have answers because my situation is so much different. My husband had an accident almost 5 years ago at age 60 that resulted in a very severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). He lost about 25 years of memory, which unfortunately included our entire marriage years (we had been married 17 years at the time). He spent a year and a half living outside our home in a very aggressive rehab facility where he lived 85miles from where we reside. I was allowed to bring him home every other weekend. Before his injury, he had began to exhibit signs of PTSD from his service in Vietnam and as a result had stopped working in 2006. Up until then, he was a very hard-working vibrant man who was active and strong and with whom I enjoyed a very satisfying loving relationship. Once his PTSD began, he started having some health issues as well and our sex life suffered. We tried Viagra but it didn't seem to be of any help to him. So rather than continue trying and having him feel more and more of a failure, we sort of unconsciously just stopped even trying. Our love remained strong, however. Then he had his accident and the TBI. Our lives forever changed. The relationship dynamics greatly changed in that I became his advocate who fought for his VA services, scheduled all of his appointments, kept logs of questions for his medical provider and rehab, etc. Although we still shared a bed when he was home on those weekends, that was all. He would ask if he could kiss me and he would but now that was like kissing an elderly father rather than my husband. He is 9 years older than me, but it had not mattered before the TBI. Now he just was like a big child almost and everything felt different. Fortunately, he has never become overly obsessed with sex, as I know sometimes happens with brain injuries. He just likes to hug people. He came home from the rehab in the latter part of 2011 and in spring of 2012 was diagnosed with dementia. The type of dementia is associated with his frontal lobe TBI which affects his emotions, memory, and decision-making & reasoning. He requires 24/7 care and supervision. I had to retire at the end of 2012 for this reason and am his full time caregiver. I have no help with his care. I do get respite care thru VA for him-- 30 six-hr days per year -- but for several months until recently there was not a provider available to give these services in my area so VA contracted with another provider who has sent an aid out on one occasion to sit with my husband When I had an appointment recently. I am now 56 and have been without a love-life with my husband for about 8 years now and then without even husband/wife type of relationship for 5 years since the TBI. and of course now with the dementia, his moods, memory and all are just deteriorating further. I have feelings of guilt feeling sorry for myself and thinking I should not have to be loveless and without any intimacy of any sort in my life for 5 years now. Although in essence, I lost the man who was my husband the day of his accident, the shell that is left of him is still here with me locked up in our home day after day needing me to care for him. It is such a mundane life we lead now and I find it hard to understand the purpose in it all but then I don't believe in adultery, even in these dire circumstances. So I'm left feeling totally alone and like I will never enjoy being held again, let alone being intimate with someone again. And I feel like my life is just passing me by. Which isn't fair when my husband is suffering with this terrible disease of dementia. I'm torn over the feelings I have and feel completely stuck in my situation.
One of the most important and exclusive things a married couple have between JUST the two of them is sex, it's an awful thing to lose that privilege. I think we women can go without sex a lot easier than a man can, so it's doubly hard for a female to get in the mood. I have NEVER been good at faking it, either I'm feeling it or not. It can be an awful rut to get out of, and quite honestly I have had to fall on my knees and ask God for help. Which He did BTW. And we have a 'normal' marriage, not one that is ravaged by dementia. I feel for all you out there having to deal with this. Just another thing stolen by Alzheimers.
hi trailblazer, my 82 year old husband shines when it is doctor time, same as you state. that's why I give the Doctor a typed update for the past three months. I have noticed, talking on the phone, going out to eat & with the Dr. he sure puts on a front.
What is it called when 85 year old who has dementia mild and no energy and yet at Dr. office he seems to come alive, till we're out of there. So all the things were there to see about do not show.
can we reverse this for a minute, I am 68 my husband is 82, we have always had a wonderful fulfilling sex life, with his advanced Alzheimers he does not recognize me very often as his wife he thinks I am a visiter here. At night when we go to sleep together in the same bed, I never even get a warm hug at all anymore, and if I ask for a kiss goodnight, reluctantly he will give me a peck on the cheek. He tells me he loves his wife & is very faithful, therefore does not want to get to close to me. The book 36 Hour Day talks of the situation that this thread is discussing. This becomes a problem with some males with ALZ & it says it is usually not their normal behavior, but part of the disease. The first I ever read about this was in the book Called Lost, where the husband " takes" his wife at his will.
Oh and Raven gave the good suggestion about seizure meds. Avoid neurotin. Known to increase sex drive in some patients. I knew someone put on neurotin for other purposes than seizures and her sex drive went through the roof. Poor thing, I think she was ready to pester her husband to death.
I am glad someone brought this topic to light. My great-uncle had a much, much younger wife and fathered his last child at 80 and passed at age 81. I thought it was just unusual and a fluke that he would have been able to still complete intercourse at that age. After reading this forum, I see it is not that uncommon. I'm in my early 40's (hubby is now 50) and that part of our life went away years ago due to health problems from hubby. Blood pressure, diabetes, low T, and some other health issues make it impossible. I admit, when I read the first few posts, I felt a twinge of, "man, wish I had that problem" and then I REALLY read the posts and my heart goes out to anyone facing this from either perspective. Thank you all for the education. I honestly did not know it was such an issue for some up in their 80's. Learn something new everyday.
I have heard that this type of behavior can happen with Alzheimer's patients when they are placed in situations like adult day care or a nursing home. They don't remember their spouses and begin to talk about their new boyfriend or girlfriend. This happened to Sandra Day O'Connor as her husband was placed in a home. It seems possible as some dementia patients revert to childhood. Are you safe? are his advances physically agressive or mainly verbal? Do you have someone to vent to (friend, sister?). I would have trouble being in your shoes. I would definitely keep focused on making sure you have time for yourself and plans for him if his dementia progresses in case he becomes more agressive woth you.
Wow this is difficult, but honestly I personally would go to the doctor and explain the situation however I would leave out some of the details and just ask the doctor to please prescribe something to reduce or stop his sex drive. I have to say that most medications for seizures completely stop the desire or ability to have sex.
This is a very touchy situation when you are of sound mind, I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with someone who has dementia especially in your situation.
I also have lost all interest in sex with my 62 year old dementia riddled husband. As previously mentioned, the lack of hygene is a real turn-off. Also, at this point I feel more like his mother than his wife. Fortunately, he doesn't bring it up often and I do feel bad for taking that away from him also. He does sleep in a different room, so that helps. I agree, there's just so much you can give of yourself.
Captain, One thing women find very sexy is a man who is willing to cook and clean. I don't think you would have trouble finding someone to appreciate you! It's the dirty, selfish lazy ones we can't stand, no matter how "sexy" they think they are.
No one mentioned that fact that sometimes for older women sexual relations becomes an almost impossible feat because of muscular changes, perhaps atrophy? causing the act to be quite painful! So an older man must be quite careful and there are times when tact is needed. Always I suppose, but I think many times we forget what a sensitive subject it can be for some. Tied to self image, self worth, and morality.
Thank God! My mother would have been a total wreck if he had a second heart attack while they were gettin' it on.
What options are ethical? You need to be at peace with your actions. What do you consider ethical? I know what was right for me, but I don't judge others who make different decisions.
2. Sympathy for her. I don't know what it's like to be the person with dementia, but I can imagine that the fear it must bring would do serious damage to your self-image. And that's even if the dementia hasn't robbed her yet of all capacity for desire.
3. Define 'ethical' in this context. Ethical as in being true to yourself? Or ethical as in doing her no harm that she is aware of? As a bare minimum, I would say do not involve any third parties; but I realise how restrictive that might be. I'm sorry for your predicament, it is very rough on you.
I am and have gone through the same thing with my husband in regards to the sex thing it's aLways been about him and at 86 years old he is now it continues, he has vascular dementia and I have been his only caregiver I am 20 years younger than him and he when he dosent get his way with me does not cry or any outburst but just the opposite he gives me the very cold treatment always has out is some less now but still happens. But I am trying to be strong when it occurred and enjoy the peace and quiet time but the air it's h hurtful. Anyway having your husband in a facility is the best prob for him and mostly for you DO NOT GIVE IN AND TAKE HIM HOME you are entitled to have your own time to, wish I did but mine is not quite ready for that care, but he is driving me nuts. Anywayjust wanted to chat with you and tell you not to feel quilty this is what they want, duo not know your case but mine is probably different I donot feel anything for mine in that way I care for him because he needs me and that is it as thru the years all the verbal abuse and controlling has caused me to lose any love that way.
So hang in there sweety and God Bless you always. Keep in touch if you care to its nice top have someone to talk with in somewhat same situation.
left with nothing! now I have to deal with this. I know I'm not alone with these terribly issues, we all need prayers ,guidance and wisdom but its hard. thanks for listening peace with all of us!
Also, if he has the kind of dementia usually associated with Parkinson's it does not progress in "stages." Looking at the stages identified for Alzheimer's will only confuse you. LBD progresses mild-moderate-severe, but even that is fuzzy. My husband had very severe symptoms at the very beginning, and then settled into more mild symptoms.
A book that I found enormously helpful talks about "ambiguous grief" we feel for a loved one who is there but not there at the same time. I highly recommend the book. It is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. She gets it. That helps.
So all the things were there to see about do not show.
I admit, when I read the first few posts, I felt a twinge of, "man, wish I had that problem" and then I REALLY read the posts and my heart goes out to anyone facing this from either perspective.
Thank you all for the education. I honestly did not know it was such an issue for some up in their 80's. Learn something new everyday.
This is a very touchy situation when you are of sound mind, I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with someone who has dementia especially in your situation.
My heart goes out to you!
I'm only 66, but I rely on Estring to keep me comfortable in that way. It's not generic, so it's pricy, but worth it.
One thing women find very sexy is a man who is willing to cook and clean. I don't think you would have trouble finding someone to appreciate you! It's the dirty, selfish lazy ones we can't stand, no matter how "sexy" they think they are.