Sex and dementia. How do I deal with my husband?

AloneInKy, I can related to what you are saying. My husband had a TBI and then 10 years later developed dementia. I cared for him at home through the dementia for 10 years. He died a year ago. The last 10 years of our marriage (25% of it) my role was not "wife." I now am a genuine widow. It was strange to go from a pseudo role to a real role!

A book that I found enormously helpful talks about "ambiguous grief" we feel for a loved one who is there but not there at the same time. I highly recommend the book. It is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. She gets it. That helps.

Jeannegibbs - I had that book recommended by someone else recently and in fact have it on order. I'm anxious to read it. I'm sorry to hear you lost your husband a year ago, but when you say you cared for him for 10 years with the dementia, my heart certainly goes out to you. Here I am feeling sorry for myself after only 2 of dementia and 5 of TBI. The unknown is also hard--trying to read and guess what 'stage' I believe my his and is in, as it seems they can overlap in symptoms. he an no longer have sensible conversations and most of what he says is all nonsensical now but he's still able to walk without assistance, feed himself, brush his own teeth with aid and supervision. I know in time if his health holds out, the dementia will eventually get to where he has trouble swallowing and expect there will come a time when he can no longer get up and down and walk on his own. But how. Am you determine what kind of timeframe you are really looking at?

My problem is my husband wants to be active, but can't remember how to do it. He asks what to do. That coupled his breath and frequent potty accidents turn me off. I will have to ask the DR. what to do for this!

AloneInKy, you really cannot determine a timeframe with any accuracy. You'll know he is getting worse, but how long he'll stay stable before he changes again is anyone's guess.

Also, if he has the kind of dementia usually associated with Parkinson's it does not progress in "stages." Looking at the stages identified for Alzheimer's will only confuse you. LBD progresses mild-moderate-severe, but even that is fuzzy. My husband had very severe symptoms at the very beginning, and then settled into more mild symptoms.

I don't intend this to be disrespectful in any way, just informational. In Nevada, prostitution is legal in most of the counties. The counties which contain Reno and Las Vegas do not have legal prostitution. There are licensed inspected brothels around the rest of the state. The customers are male. There was a recent effort at providing male prostitutes but there was no market from female customers.

my husband is in a nursing home right now. he has dementia, takes seizures, has tremors and has a broken hip. this all started big time after my son-in law died suddenly. my relationship went down hill many years ago, it was always about him! sex to him was always about him showing me his love, so he says, I had all the responsibilities of work and running a home. never taking in my feelings and emotions. he is now 87 and I'm 81 right now he wants out of the nursing home, does not know his limitations or my medical needs. but the bottom line is all our married life he pesetered me constantly about sex, now at 87 in the nursing home our conversation always are focused on sex. he winds up crying with outbursted of anger and frustration. the nurses and doctors are come se come sa they don't know what he's putting me through. he has threated to kill himself. he is on Lexapro, I know he is severely depressed, although he has dementia he is aware of where he's at, has some paranoria, his mind says I'm keeping him there on purpose, but in a way some of that is true cause he is hard to take care of, and I can't stand being pestering for sex all the time. by the way it is only directed at me (the spouse). by the way we had 5 children our son passed away 8 yrs ago, my other son has cancer, and my one daughter is battling kidney disease, my other daughter a young widow.
left with nothing! now I have to deal with this. I know I'm not alone with these terribly issues, we all need prayers ,guidance and wisdom but its hard. thanks for listening peace with all of us!

Dear katydid5, I know exactly where your coming from, first of all my prayers top you amd all your ailing family God Bless you all.
I am and have gone through the same thing with my husband in regards to the sex thing it's aLways been about him and at 86 years old he is now it continues, he has vascular dementia and I have been his only caregiver I am 20 years younger than him and he when he dosent get his way with me does not cry or any outburst but just the opposite he gives me the very cold treatment always has out is some less now but still happens. But I am trying to be strong when it occurred and enjoy the peace and quiet time but the air it's h hurtful. Anyway having your husband in a facility is the best prob for him and mostly for you DO NOT GIVE IN AND TAKE HIM HOME you are entitled to have your own time to, wish I did but mine is not quite ready for that care, but he is driving me nuts. Anywayjust wanted to chat with you and tell you not to feel quilty this is what they want, duo not know your case but mine is probably different I donot feel anything for mine in that way I care for him because he needs me and that is it as thru the years all the verbal abuse and controlling has caused me to lose any love that way.
So hang in there sweety and God Bless you always. Keep in touch if you care to its nice top have someone to talk with in somewhat same situation.

I care for my wife who is developing dementia. I have a normal libido, and she has none. Physically she is capable, but she has no desire nor emotional nor empathy. What are my ethical options?

1. Romance instead. If she's still interested in that.
2. Sympathy for her. I don't know what it's like to be the person with dementia, but I can imagine that the fear it must bring would do serious damage to your self-image. And that's even if the dementia hasn't robbed her yet of all capacity for desire.
3. Define 'ethical' in this context. Ethical as in being true to yourself? Or ethical as in doing her no harm that she is aware of? As a bare minimum, I would say do not involve any third parties; but I realise how restrictive that might be. I'm sorry for your predicament, it is very rough on you.

Really feel sorry for you, it's a rock and a hard place situation, the only satisfaction is on your end, it could begin to traumatize her as time goes on. I would not recommend a 3rd party either, unless she was in facility other then your home. A relative of mine did that, his wife was pitiful, knew no one, in a NH for years, he started socially going to dinner with a friend of both of theirs, I had no problem with that, you still have to live, but many in the family talked him into the ground. I am the opposite of you, female with normal libido a husband who knows my name but does not remember I am his wife so it's a no touch zone for me. You just get by, my husband lives at home and really sex is the least of my problems, trying to stay one step ahead of this horrible disease is my priority. Good luck with this.

1Youngoldguy, I am very, very sorry for you. Been there myself. In fact it is surprising how many people are in a sexless marriage from medical causes. We are not alone! What to do about it? As a caregiver and the breadearner I didn't have time or energy to do much of anything about it. Satisfying a normal libido can be a DIY project, of course, and that is good as far as it goes. But it does not address the yearning for intimacy and interaction. It is a very tough burden. I considered it part of the "worse" in the "for better and for worse" clause.

What options are ethical? You need to be at peace with your actions. What do you consider ethical? I know what was right for me, but I don't judge others who make different decisions.

Speaking as a woman, we have the same yearnings for sex and intimacy and to feel the love that we used to feel. I was lucky enough to have my husband tell me he really loves me and to hold my hand for 30 minutes before he fell asleep the other night! We were so close and totally devoted to each other. I really miss his daily love and attention. But at age 70, I don't think I will ever feel that intimacy again. Nor do I want to. How can you turn off that love, and want it from someone else. Yes, I guess guys are different that way! I am satisfied to have him near me even if he is a million miles away in his mind! I miss the old Bill and I know that I will see him normal again when we all get to Heaven. I will love talking to him there and giving him lots of hugs! He was not only my lover, he was my best friend and now he is so lost in his own world!

I only know what my mom said about sex with my father after his heart attack and stroke. She said they were both too terrified he would have another heart attack, there was an unspoken agreement that sex was a thing of the past.

Thank God! My mother would have been a total wreck if he had a second heart attack while they were gettin' it on.

123@Give A Hug I too really admire you! I feel selfish because my husband with dementia no longers satisfies me . It no longer feels like give and take but just take and take.