Sex and dementia. How do I deal with my husband?

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How do I deal with my 87 year old husband who wants sex?

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Presumably he is the one with dementia and you don't want any further sexual relationship with him....if so that is a great sadness for both of you....from experience with a wife with Alzheimer's at age 70 (I am 72), I still have those sexual needs, but she clearly does not enjoy it anymore....at our ages, it isn't the physical act itself, although pleasurable in and of itself, but rather the feeling of intimacy between the two of you that is important....that intertwining of your lives at the deepest level, the giving of your whole self to another and the receiving of love, affection and yes reaffirmation and acceptance of you as a person and a man....this is what counts now in the twilight of our years....in my case, there is a real difficulty in that I get the feeling I am almost a "child predator" as her Alzheimer's moves into the severe category.....sadly, now, just holding each other closely will have to suffice, and it will....I suggest you try to understand and respond positively as much as you can....
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@trailblazers3: the issue you and I have is not really about the sex act itself I am thinking but more about the fact, I speak just for myself here, that I not only lost respect for husband, I stopped loving him many years ago b/c of the verbal, emotional and financial abuse our whole marriage. I am not some hard, bitter woman who wants to 'get even' with him for the things he has done, I have taken care of ALL his other needs in a kind and loving way but for me, I am just an unpaid caregiver. I have learned to value myself enough now, to set boundaries with this extreme narcissistic man and not subjecting myself to his abrasive touching is one of them. He has extreme ED but even if he could perform, I would not change this boundary as the act of sex was always all about him anyway. Sometimes I feel bad for him b/c all humans need to be touched and hugged and I do these but only when he is not being the nasty, ugly, verbally demanding man that he was and now is without any mental filters. Ya just have to decide what you can live with for your own mental and emotional health.
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Can he do it? Lucky him! My husband needs the pills, and they don't always work, but his libido does!

I read in one book about a woman who was unwilling to have sex with the stranger her husband had become. She moved them to separate bedrooms, which was very helpful. I have an agreement with my mild AD spouse that we will "do it" every two weeks, and I actually put it on the calendar. The code is "DI"
for "did it".

If he is pestering you daily, discuss it with the doctor when he is not with you. Maybe an antidepressant or anti-anxiety drug would slow him down. Once or twice a month, I can "close my eyes and think of England."
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I GUESS I DID NOT STATE WHAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM, AND TO ALL I LOOKS LIKE I AM BEING UN GIVING AND UN CARING, NOT AT ALL THE CASE, HE IS AND HAS ALWYS BEEN A SEX ADDICT, AND HAS REALLY DISGUSTED ME THROUGH THE YEARS WITH HIM THIS WAY OF WHAT HE CALLS AND IS SEX TO HIM, I LOVE TO MAKE LOVE AND WOULD BUT HE IS NOT THAT WAY, YES I GUESS I KNEW IT YEARS AGO BUT IN MY YOUNGER DAYS I DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT, SO MY REASON FOR NOT WANTING ANYTHING WITH HIM ANYMORE IS BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE IS, I WILL NOT COMPETE WITH SEX FILMS AND CRAP OF THAT NATURE IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE BETWEEN 2 AND 2 ONLY, HE REFUSED TO BE THIS WAY SO I AM NOW REFUSING BECAUSE I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM.....PERIOD I WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM BUT ITS NOT THERE ANYMORE THAT WAY.
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Wow this is difficult, but honestly I personally would go to the doctor and explain the situation however I would leave out some of the details and just ask the doctor to please prescribe something to reduce or stop his sex drive. I have to say that most medications for seizures completely stop the desire or ability to have sex.

This is a very touchy situation when you are of sound mind, I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with someone who has dementia especially in your situation.

My heart goes out to you!
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I also have lost all interest in sex with my 62 year old dementia riddled husband. As previously mentioned, the lack of hygene is a real turn-off. Also, at this point I feel more like his mother than his wife. Fortunately, he doesn't bring it up often and I do feel bad for taking that away from him also. He does sleep in a different room, so that helps. I agree, there's just so much you can give of yourself.
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@123Ann: what a dear, loving soul you are to have expressed so beautifully what a wonderful, loving marriage looks like in the later years! I cried as I read your response and how you take your wife's condition into consideration. You described a 'text book perfect' marriage where love and respect remain during the twilight years. That is how it is 'supposed' to be, to look like, and your wife is blessed to have such a man as you to care for her. Unfortunately, not all end of life relationships are so loving and they are in a different 'text book' about dysfunctional relationships and are extremely complicated by the 'authors' (lives) in those 'books'. The fact is, all people need to feel loved and protected and safe in the arms/embrace of their chosen life companion at any stage in life and it is not just the spouse with dementia that has those needs. Those of us who have extremely abrasive husbands are also denied our needs, making the choice not to have 'sex' with our husbands, all the more painful but necessary.
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One of the most important and exclusive things a married couple have between JUST the two of them is sex, it's an awful thing to lose that privilege. I think we women can go without sex a lot easier than a man can, so it's doubly hard for a female to get in the mood. I have NEVER been good at faking it, either I'm feeling it or not. It can be an awful rut to get out of, and quite honestly I have had to fall on my knees and ask God for help. Which He did BTW. And we have a 'normal' marriage, not one that is ravaged by dementia. I feel for all you out there having to deal with this. Just another thing stolen by Alzheimers.
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AloneInKy, I can related to what you are saying. My husband had a TBI and then 10 years later developed dementia. I cared for him at home through the dementia for 10 years. He died a year ago. The last 10 years of our marriage (25% of it) my role was not "wife." I now am a genuine widow. It was strange to go from a pseudo role to a real role!

A book that I found enormously helpful talks about "ambiguous grief" we feel for a loved one who is there but not there at the same time. I highly recommend the book. It is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. She gets it. That helps.
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Sadly there is nothing worse than a person touching you who you do not want to touch you. Almost the final boundary - but it seems it has to be there. You sound like you are doing the best you possibly can - you cannot also expect to be intimate in the most personal way with someone who it sounds like you don't even like. You have a right to your body!
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