Sent sitter home this afternoon. Need advice.

I have no 'stern words of advice' for you, just a big HUG. What a terrible situation you're facing, especially as an only child (which I am also). It's just mind boggling to me how horrible dementia/Alzheimer's is and how it effects people so dramatically. I work as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care community, and I can literally write a BOOK about the antics that go on there! I've witnessed things that are truly unbelievable, and behaviors from 'loved ones' that are anything BUT 'loving'.
So I feel your pain, my friend. If you can't tolerate your mom's behavior, don't go in for a visit. Remember that this is not your REAL mother you're seeing now but the victim of a disease that has robbed her real mind and replaced it with one that doesn't work properly. Don't take things personally, but don't stay around to get verbally attacked, either. I don't think it's wrong to have the sitter stay away.......the NH will look after your mom as they said they would.

Just to throw ONE thing out there.......did the doc check to make 100% certain her UTI was fully cleared up? Sometimes, the UTIs either don't fully clear up or they come back. Sometimes, the antibiotic has to be changed and another round has to be administered. Just on the off chance that's what's contributing to this agitated behavior.

Best of luck!

Just ((((((((hugs)))))))).

You are doing the right thing - your mother is in a nursing home, she is being cared for. If she rejects the sitter, then I would not have the sitter in attendance at least until the nursing home suggested it might be OK.  And I would not expose myself to her abuse.  The nursing home can quickly reach you in a real emergency. But remember, dementia is not curable at the present time, it advances and you are not to blame for any of this.  Take care of yourself.

My father with vascular dementia was difficult and often stated he wished I was dead too (and how painful he wanted my death to be). I didn't think there were many more difficult old folks out there but sounds like your mother has my father's antics beat hands down. My father would at least take his medications in MC, in fact he was generally much more compliant for the MC staff than the family.

Although I kept an eye on my father and communicated with the staff a couple of times a week to daily as his physical health failed, I limited my visits with my father to once a week for no more than 2 hours. If Dad started in on a rant, I told my father it wasn't good for him to get so riled up and I would see him next week as I walked out the door. The MC had cameras so I could observe Dad without him knowing I was there when he was having problems.

Is there anyway you can bribe your mother with goodies? Cookies or candy? Ice cream sunday or milk shake? I also took Dad a eatable treat when I did visit and he usually behaved himself at least until he had consumed it.

Remember dementia is not your mother's fault or yours either. She is safe and receiving as much care as she will allow. She neither needs or appreciates your visits, so there is no need to present yourself as a target for her disease's rants.

At this point, I would only worry about the BP meds. Have a test done on her Thyroid and see if her numbers are in the regular range. If they r, don't worry about the med. Have them run the test every few months (I think its 3) If her numbers change, they can always start the med again.
This is what they did with Mom. I was also told, the elderly process meds slower than younger people do. Meaning, they stay in the body for longer. There comes a time trying to slow the Dementia process with Meds no longer work. The only meds I would worry about would be those for anxiety. It not fair for her or staff to have anxiety 24/7.

I don't see why Mom needs a sitter if she no longer enjoys or abuses her. A UTI symptoms can continue days after the UTI clears up. And can also come back. At this point, I would go with the Nurse. She says they will check on Mom. You don't have to see Mom. She is in a safe place being cared for.

Can't they crush her psych meds and put them in pudding or applesauce?

Thank you for the understanding words. Nurse comes every morning to NH. Hospice is in and out now so I think (hope) they're on top of it. Will inquire though.
So painful to try and visit her so thinking I'll just have to go even less now.
BTY...I could write a book too, just about the last 13 years with my mother.

Theras, if you are in any way a "trigger" for you mom, I think that you would be well advised to stay away. I know that you care for her and want to see her get the best care, but from what I've seen, sometimes the "best loved" child sets a dementia patient off in ways that aren't really explainable. And that the best thing is to stay home and be in touch with the staff.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this torture.

((((((hugs)))))))

You say your therapist is an hour away. Surely in your town there are therapists who are close by. You might want to find one closer by, not an hour away.

Unlike other people, I would not be concerned about the BP meds, but rather the anxiety meds. My mthr is in severe dementia now- can't walk, can't say more than one word, can't feed herself. All the life extending drugs like statins and BP meds simply allow Alzheimer's to progress farther. I'd rather go out earlier than later if I'm going to have Alzheimer's like mthr's.

The anxiety meds, on the other hand, would make what life I have left much more pleasant. To me, those would be my preferred drugs if I have Alzheimer's.

If hospice is involved, have they talked to you about comfort measures only? Our hospice is so gentle talking about the end of life. They have done a great job managing mthr's problems with antipsychotic meds. Even though she can barely do anything, these drugs keep her from fighting about simple things, like being fed or changing diapers. They are wonderful.

Hello Theras,
From your description, it sounds like your mom needs her meds adjusted.
You are doing the best you can in what sounds like an untenable situation.
Good on you for seeing a therapist.
My heart goes out to you, I wish you well.
R27

I would be less concerned about the dementia meds. After a while most do not do much. They are said to help slow progression, not stop and I doubt you will see much of a drastic decline if they are discontinued. (with a doctors ok, stop them, if there is a drastic decline restart them)
Adjusting anti anxiety medication may help.
But there comes a time when safety is more important.
If you, your family or the caregivers are not safe it may be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
If she is not safe it might be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
This is not a "failure" it is the disease and the progression of the disease.

I am one who thinks the drugs are not proven to do ANYTHING at this point. There simply is no cure for dementia and I don't think it stops progression, a claim that cannot of course ever be proven. However, Mom does sound as though she needs medications to calm her. Clearly the sitter has been of little help with her. You will have to take this a day at a time but it does sound as though she needs medical evaluation.

Surprise, your comments make perfect sense to me; WHY are the doctors giving drugs that extend the lives of ALZ and Dem patients who have very little quality of life? I am certainly NOT for euthanasia, but artificially extending the lives of people who are miserable and making others miserable makes no sense.... Going to make sure my husband doesn't let that happen to me - or him, having to care for me.

I have no advice but am so sorry you are going through this. Our parents become different people because of growing old and getting dementia. I feel for you! What thick skins we have to have while they break our hearts too. I hope you hang in there; this too shall pass.
Sending serene thoughts your way...

I don’t have an answer but wanted to tell you how sorry I am you are going through this heartbreaking situation.

My experience is not to completely trust NH to WATCH your mom! They always tell me that but she has fallen 3 different times. I came in the other day, they told me she was sleep. When i got to her room she was sitting up on the side of the bed, trying to get up. I have tried to get her somewhere else but because of her age and condition she wasn't excepted

I am going to ring in regarding your therapist being an hour away. Mine is as well and on the days that I can't get to her we have a phone call. It's not perfect but it truly works. Ask your therapist if they will do this with you. I still have the same amount of time with them and the pay is the same. It's very helpful.

Remember. Put your oxygen mask on first.

just visit one time a week... You pick the time is most conventient for you. You can call and ask the nurses how mom is doing. You know the saying.... Give her time, she may miss you more.
Thyroid meds are a big deal. I didnt think so until I started reading up on the stuff. What a nightmare... Throid is a big deal.
You are close by... Take comfort in that. You can still drop in, talk to the front desk or head nurse... Bring treats for everyone. doesn't hurt and they may like it. Cookies, a pie, a bag of random candies. Pumpkin pie ,,,, etc.. you know what looks good to you, so you buy it and let someone else eat the calories...Don't Judge Me. It Works! I buy it, drive it around to its final destination, and drop it off. Sneak a bite of it, wash the fork, and be gone :_) It's perfect. :)
UTI's and THYROID issues...WHO KNEW!!!!

LIke someone said; COMFORT MEASURES ONLY..... Ok, what does that exactly say? DEPENDS ON THE HOSPICE YOU ARE IN...

Our Hospice or the stand in nurse for ma's last night was disturbing... Other hospice places had IV Morphine on hand... NO,,,,, not my mom..... The nurse on duty SHOWED ME HOW TO crush the morphine pill and swipe it all around the inside of my mom's mouth... "every hour".. She did not tell me about the ATIVAN in the same ER pack that hospice left in the refrigerator for this scenario....) I am supposing,for this scenario) Deep breath... it was not fun.. it was not peaceful, until my "angel" came down, and found the ativan, cleaned mom up, posistioned her correctly so body fluid would drain efficiently out of her body, and the ativan kicked in and she relaxed. Then it was peaceful....

WHEN YOU SIGN THAT DNR FORM :;; COMFORT MEASURES ONLY... Can that mean, you get the morphine&ativan IV drip? It just looked more peaceful.. Yes I have seen both personally....I was closest to mom... and it was rough going.... Then again, is anybody leaving this Earth Easy Going? I don't know.....Most of us, left here on Earth will say NO//// Because we are too close and we will remember..........

Don't assume that the UTI is cleared up - make them check again. If outbursts happened even prior to UTI, she may need some kind of medication to calm her down. Leaving her alone all day is not going to resolve anger issues. I would ease in to a little medication and try to keep a sitter with her than to rely only on the NH staff to 'check on her'....because I can tell you , pretty much, how that is going to turn out. She's going to end up heavily medicated so that she will not become a full time job for anyone working at that facility

The best advice I can offer you is that you have to be at peace with all you have done to care for her. If you can say you did the best you could for her then you will be fine. I'm sorry that she behaves the way she does but it's the cruel disease- it's not her and it's not personal.
It's incredibly hard to see someone you love with Alzheimer's.
God bless you!!

Leave her to the NH to deal with if they assure you they can. And don't go and visit, you clearly - and its usually the caring relative they go for, so not a personal thing - antagonise your mother which makes her harder for NH staff to deal with after effects of - Keep away, I know its hard, its (was) your mum, but if it is stressing you both and making the carers lives more difficult really restrict the number of times you pop in, honestly it isn't helping any of you. You have my deepest sympathies, reaching this position is just as though the person has died but you cannot have a funeral, you are just as bereaved. xx

Sweetie, it's not your mom doing this. It's the disease. Don't own the ugliness your mother says, because it isn't her. The NH staff sound like they have a handle on things. Have them check your mom for a UTI.

Maybe they can hide her meds in some pudding or jelly or ice cream.

Unfortunately she has become out of the scope of care that You are able to provide. She may need a facility that is able to control this behavior. Unfortunately its not what you may want to do, but it's escalating.

Keep in mind that your mom is ill and has 2 medical diagnoses that affects the mind, if not more. Hypothyroid can cause depression, and mood swings. Also, keep in mind she is on medications that causes side effects so she doesn’t feel well. Adding she has dementia which also affects her mood and behaviors, with cognitive decline. Her personality is who she always was you cannot change, but understanding why her personality is more prominent during these difficult period for her during the day should be taken with more special care and more patience. Research on hypothyroid and dementia in medical journals or credible resources. You and the caregiver should not take this personal, it’s your mothers Illness that doesn’t make her herself. The body has to be at a equilibrium to feel healthy. Illnesses, diseases, disorders, medications, and conditions are not easy to manage. Take everything into account and every individual is different. Let your caregiver know that this is not your mother and it’s not personal, it’s her condition. Yes, it is difficult to hear these these things from your mom, but it’s nothing personal, just the illness. If she felt great, she wouldn’t lash out and be more pleasant. Best you can do is be there for her and be understanding and reporting to the doctors regarding her progress. I wouldn’t recommend too many meds all at once. Choose only ones that is required in order to keep her at balance. Put on music that she likes to calm her down, massage her back, take her out in the sun, keep her warm (due to feeling cold all the time from the hypothyroidism), feed her balanced meals, and hugs 🤗.

At this stage of her life, you should have her on drugs to calm her down or to sedate her.

My mother Is similar ( narcissist tendencies along with vascular dementia) . Anti anxiety meds helped her tremendously. She’s still a witch to me( I’ve been her lifelong scapegoat) but not to the staff.

But lol on all the “it’s not her it’s the illness “ claims , of course the disease has some play on the matter but it IS her( in my mother’s case) . It seems from so many posts on here, we have dealt with personality disorders our parents had displayed but since they were less helpless, some could set boundaries that allowed us to cope with their behavior. Or some just never “got” their parents were actually not nice people, they were cruel or sociopaths or narcissistic. Now we are stuck since they are ill BUT they still are responsible for their behavior and we don’t need to accept abuse.
Excellent You Tube videos , “ surviving narcissism” by Dr Les Carter. It’s never to late to start dealing with reality lol

people in nursing homes can get that way because they are away from their home and family. Sometimes they can get mean because they have not been changed and lying on their poop or urine, which burns the skin and cause bed sores. Sometimes it's a UTI if the behavior is new. Nursing homes generally keep people on antibiotic salad which makes infections resistant to therapy, and they catch anything and everything "what is going around" due to the closeness of the other patients as it is institutionalized care. I mean they catch everything that is going around. C. diff is extremely common is very common with nursing home patients and it oftens kills them due to dehydration and sepsis or urinary tract infection that ends up going into the blood stream.

Sitters do not change patients..all they do is sit and watch. Nursing home staff is often busy with a whole hall full of patients and they all need changing and fed or medicated.

Why does your mother has a sitter in a Nursing Home? Isn't the nursing home responsibility to care for her? If the reason your mother has a sitter is because she is too much of a danger to herself to be left unsupervise it may still be neglect to leave her alone.