My mother reduced her sitter to tears today telling her to tell me (her daughter) that I could lick the sitter's @ss. She's also still praying out loud for something bad to happen to me and my husband. Paid the sitter for the week and told her that she could go on home for the day and we'd play it by ear the rest of the week. My previous post explains how she is refusing her medicine for her dementia. Going on 4 days straight. Finally took her thyroid medicine this morning with lots of coaxing but no BP or dementia meds. She's out of control, hitting one of the aides with the remote to her lift chair. Don't think she really physically hurt her though. Hospice is in and out mostly dealing with her behaviors now since she recovered from the UTI she had last week. Need advice, validation I guess, that I'm doing the right thing to leave my mother without a sitter in the NH. She's had one for the 2 years she's been there. The nurse at the NH has assured us they'll keep close check on her and I'm only 5 mins away so I can pop in most anytime. Can't visit my mother though. She verbally attacks me as soon as I walk in the door. This is a nightmare for me, the only child. My mother has always had a strong, stubborn sometimes controlling personality and I tell everyone this is her personality on steroids. I just don't know what else to do. Seeing a therapist as needed but she's an hour away and can't go anytime I want. Thank you in advance for any thoughts, encouragement, even stern words of advice.

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Surprise, your comments make perfect sense to me; WHY are the doctors giving drugs that extend the lives of ALZ and Dem patients who have very little quality of life? I am certainly NOT for euthanasia, but artificially extending the lives of people who are miserable and making others miserable makes no sense.... Going to make sure my husband doesn't let that happen to me - or him, having to care for me.
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I agree 100%!!!
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Unlike other people, I would not be concerned about the BP meds, but rather the anxiety meds. My mthr is in severe dementia now- can't walk, can't say more than one word, can't feed herself. All the life extending drugs like statins and BP meds simply allow Alzheimer's to progress farther. I'd rather go out earlier than later if I'm going to have Alzheimer's like mthr's.

The anxiety meds, on the other hand, would make what life I have left much more pleasant. To me, those would be my preferred drugs if I have Alzheimer's.

If hospice is involved, have they talked to you about comfort measures only? Our hospice is so gentle talking about the end of life. They have done a great job managing mthr's problems with antipsychotic meds. Even though she can barely do anything, these drugs keep her from fighting about simple things, like being fed or changing diapers. They are wonderful.
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I agree with your answer. I’d rather die sooner too.
You are doing the right thing - your mother is in a nursing home, she is being cared for. If she rejects the sitter, then I would not have the sitter in attendance at least until the nursing home suggested it might be OK.  And I would not expose myself to her abuse.  The nursing home can quickly reach you in a real emergency. But remember, dementia is not curable at the present time, it advances and you are not to blame for any of this.  Take care of yourself.
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Theras Nov 2019
Thank you. Upon the advice of my therapist, I've reduced visits to only twice a week for a few minutes. Looking like it's going to need to be less. Thanks so much.
I have no 'stern words of advice' for you, just a big HUG. What a terrible situation you're facing, especially as an only child (which I am also). It's just mind boggling to me how horrible dementia/Alzheimer's is and how it effects people so dramatically. I work as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care community, and I can literally write a BOOK about the antics that go on there! I've witnessed things that are truly unbelievable, and behaviors from 'loved ones' that are anything BUT 'loving'.
So I feel your pain, my friend. If you can't tolerate your mom's behavior, don't go in for a visit. Remember that this is not your REAL mother you're seeing now but the victim of a disease that has robbed her real mind and replaced it with one that doesn't work properly. Don't take things personally, but don't stay around to get verbally attacked, either. I don't think it's wrong to have the sitter stay away.......the NH will look after your mom as they said they would.

Just to throw ONE thing out there.......did the doc check to make 100% certain her UTI was fully cleared up? Sometimes, the UTIs either don't fully clear up or they come back. Sometimes, the antibiotic has to be changed and another round has to be administered. Just on the off chance that's what's contributing to this agitated behavior.

Best of luck!
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TaylorUK Nov 2019
Most UTIs are not cleared up 100% in the elderly - you have to battle to get at least a double length course, ideally at double normal dose. They just dole out pills as if it were someone younger with a simple infection. I am assuming they have had full lab work done to identify bug as well as this seems to be the case is very few situations, the Drs solution being to treat the infection based on a dip test.
My father with vascular dementia was difficult and often stated he wished I was dead too (and how painful he wanted my death to be). I didn't think there were many more difficult old folks out there but sounds like your mother has my father's antics beat hands down. My father would at least take his medications in MC, in fact he was generally much more compliant for the MC staff than the family.

Although I kept an eye on my father and communicated with the staff a couple of times a week to daily as his physical health failed, I limited my visits with my father to once a week for no more than 2 hours. If Dad started in on a rant, I told my father it wasn't good for him to get so riled up and I would see him next week as I walked out the door. The MC had cameras so I could observe Dad without him knowing I was there when he was having problems.

Is there anyway you can bribe your mother with goodies? Cookies or candy? Ice cream sunday or milk shake? I also took Dad a eatable treat when I did visit and he usually behaved himself at least until he had consumed it.

Remember dementia is not your mother's fault or yours either. She is safe and receiving as much care as she will allow. She neither needs or appreciates your visits, so there is no need to present yourself as a target for her disease's rants.
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Theras Nov 2019
My mother wants to see me suffer too, says she hopes she's here to see me like this. Thought about bribery but she's so verbally abusive I can hardly even get in a word.
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Thank you for the understanding words. Nurse comes every morning to NH. Hospice is in and out now so I think (hope) they're on top of it. Will inquire though.
So painful to try and visit her so thinking I'll just have to go even less now.
BTY...I could write a book too, just about the last 13 years with my mother.
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Theras, if you are in any way a "trigger" for you mom, I think that you would be well advised to stay away. I know that you care for her and want to see her get the best care, but from what I've seen, sometimes the "best loved" child sets a dementia patient off in ways that aren't really explainable. And that the best thing is to stay home and be in touch with the staff.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this torture.

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Midkid58 Nov 2019
The 'best loved' will ALWAYS be there, will ALWAYS forgive, will ALWAYS take the abuse, will ALWAYS smile and make the best of rough situations. And go home and cry for hours b/c the COST of being 'best loved' is not worth it.

The 'not best loved' doesn't hang around for the abuse.

Throw dementia in the mix and you just can't win.

I'm a trigger for my mother so I simply cannot see her. She triggers me and I trigger her. It's a no win.

Yet I keep trying--it's been 4 months since I spoke to her, 7 since I saw her. I'm debating whether or not to make this permanent.

Theras--is it mandatory that your mom have a sitter while she's in a NH? She's just too much to take? My heart breaks for you. I can step out of the ring and there's 4 sibs who can step in.

And everything is harder over the holidays isn't it??

Hugs to you---your mom sounds like a harridan!
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I have no advice but am so sorry you are going through this. Our parents become different people because of growing old and getting dementia. I feel for you! What thick skins we have to have while they break our hearts too. I hope you hang in there; this too shall pass.
Sending serene thoughts your way...
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I am going to ring in regarding your therapist being an hour away. Mine is as well and on the days that I can't get to her we have a phone call. It's not perfect but it truly works. Ask your therapist if they will do this with you. I still have the same amount of time with them and the pay is the same. It's very helpful.

Remember. Put your oxygen mask on first.
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I would be less concerned about the dementia meds. After a while most do not do much. They are said to help slow progression, not stop and I doubt you will see much of a drastic decline if they are discontinued. (with a doctors ok, stop them, if there is a drastic decline restart them)
Adjusting anti anxiety medication may help.
But there comes a time when safety is more important.
If you, your family or the caregivers are not safe it may be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
If she is not safe it might be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
This is not a "failure" it is the disease and the progression of the disease.
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