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I am caring for my 82 yr old grandma. She has a colostomy bag which is disposable and needs frequent changing. The problem I am having is that she no longer lets me change the bag for her. She went to stay with a relative for a couple weeks and during her visit she got little to no help with the changing of the stoma bag. She was left to her own devices and by the time she returned to my house, she insisted on doing the bag herself (in spite of her lack of ability) She ruined a whole box of stoma bags by over cutting them in an attempt to size the hole. She has some age related mental decline and is not the neatest person. She is forgetful and often careless. She puts the dirty stoma bagsx back in with the clean ones. I try to help her but she doesn't let me. She is also very sensitive so it is difficult for me to address these hygiene issues to her. I always speak softly and try to word things as gently as possible. Im worried about her stoma as it has become infected. She tells me "I changed the bag just now" but when i ask to check...I find the stoma naked with nothing but a paper towel covering the feces that's bulging out. I try to help her and let her know that she needs to accept the help or she will get and infection. She is very resistant. She isn't nasty verbally and she never gets an attitude, but she simply does not comply. She lies about changing the bag. When i get near her to hug her, she smells like feces really bad. She is constantly making a mess on the toilet. Everyday I have to scrub feces off of the toilet and surrounding areas. My dad (her son) makes excuses for her and never wants to sit down and talk to her about her hygiene for fear of embarassing her. It's understandable, but I also know that leaving a stoma exposed or without a CLEAN bag can lead to infection (which she has already had to go to the hospital for.) I am getting tired of cleaning up the same feces mess everyday, because this is something that can be avoided if she would only start letting me care for the bag again. She lets me do everything else for her. Sometimes I feel like she is taking advantage because she throws food/dirty toilet paper all over the house. I know part of this is related to her mental decline and age, but i still get frustrated and even more frustrated knowing that I can't express myself because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I'm starting to go through a lot of guilt because after I tell her "You need to change the bag, no butts about it" ...she get's upset and I feel so bad. I don't know what to do. I have grown accustomed to cleaning up all the messes she makes everywhere, but this thing with the bag and the feces on the toilet is just beginning to wear on my. Not just having to clean up the feces, but the stress of knowing she isn't caring for herself. Nobody understands and everytime i try to address it to my dad, he just thinks I'm complaining. I don't know what to do...I've tried talking to her but she doesn't listen. This is really having a significant effect on my daily life and emotional wellbeing. What can I do to get her to be more accepting of my help. I truly love her and only want the best for her. Any help or suggestions/insight would be greatly aprreciated.

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Oh, my dear, I admire your compassion, patience, and caring. I don't think I could do as well as you in this circumstance. Here are my thoughts, in no particular order.
(1) When dealing with children and some others, like your grandma perhaps, a good guideline sometimes is, "kind but firm."
(2) DON'T let her manipulate you with "hurt feelings." Better that you "hurt her feelings" than that she goes to the hospital with an infection.
(3) Sometimes you can shape someone's behavior with a system of rewards and consequences (not punishments). What are your grandma's favorite activities or "treats?" Whatever they are, use them as rewards for desirable behavior (e.g., allowing you to change her bag) or withdraw them until she exhibits the desired behavior. Always point out that she has a choice, as in, "Grandma, I love you and I don't want you to get sick. You can let me change your bag and (get a reward) or you can change it yourself and I will take away (whatever) until you allow me to change your bag. The choice is yours." This may sound harsh or cruel, but it's not. From what you have said, your grandma is very dependent on your care, which puts you in a position to use leverage (rewards/consequences) for her good. At this point, your grandma is "driving the bus" and grandma is in no shape to do so. (4) I hear that you get no practical or moral support from your dad. Think about having a visiting home health nurse or even a good CNA come and have a "kind but firm" straightforward talk with grandma about allowing you to help with the bag. Ideally, the health professional will be a LARGE person with a good balance of compassion and no-nonsense authoritarianism. If you have to pay out-of-pocket to get this kind of back-up, it would be money well-spent if you, grandma, or the family can possibly afford it.
(5) Get to a caregivers' support group ASAP and attend regularly.
(6) If you cannot imagine setting up some rewards & consequences for grandma so that YOU are driving the bus instead of her, go see a good professional therapist for support and coaching.
You write, "This is really having a significant effect on my daily life and emotional wellbeing." This situation - and your wellbeing - will only deteriorate further if something doesn't happen that hasn't happened before. "If nothing changes, nothing changes." It takes two to play and one to quit. Quit letting grandma manipulate you with guilt and passive-aggressive non-compliance. I do believe that you truly love her and want the best for her. Someone once said that if parents do their jobs well, their children will sometimes hate them. I'm thinking that the same may be true for the caregivers of mentally declining mentally declining octogenarians. Hope something I've suggested is helpful. Blessings to you and to your very fortunate grandmother.
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Christa, so glad if something I have shared is helpful. And so glad you are getting some respite! You've earned it! You're right, just because you make some changes, the problem will not be solved overnight....it hasn't developed overnight and won't be solved overnight. In fact, Grandma's resistance may actually escalate to test your boundaries...Your also right about the importance of patience and consistency. Don't let her get away with pushing your "guilt" button! And if your dad is not willing or able to give any practical "hands-on" support or even any moral/emotional support, let him pay for the professional assistance from a home health agency (if grandma doesn't qualify for home health under a community service program of some kind).Remember to take good care of you so that you will be able to continue to take good care of grandma without being miserable/depressed/resentful. Even the most devoted and loving of daughters, grand-daughters, and daughters-in-law are all human and therefore it's good even for the most devoted and caring among us to be realistic in what we expect of ourselves. Thanks for the feedback. hugs and blessings, G~
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Thanks for all the great suggestions! I feel a whole lot better knowing that I'm not just crazy and that someone out there understands our situation! Your reply brought up some good points that I hadn't thought of myself. I'm going to try the reward/consequences system and see if that helps her to be more willing. After reading your advice I feel more confident/less guilty about taking a firm (but kind) approach. My grandmother is spending the weekend at my aunt's house right now. This has given me a couple days to find the time to reach out for help, as well as to have some "me-time" to reflect and regroup. When she returns Monday I am going to employ some of the above-mentioned skills and give it my best shot. But I also know that I can't just expect things to change overnight and I'm aware that this may take some time and I must remain patient & consistent. Thanks again, -Christa
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I didn't even realize it was that old, it came in my inbox, and anything that comes to my inbox I assume is recent. I didn't know it was old either until you guys just brought it to my attention
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I just want to say how lucky your Grandma is to have such a loving caring granddaughter. More often than not, grandchildren don't want to have too much to do with the grandparents when they become sick and senile. It's sad, because it means so much to the grandparent to retain that closeness. I am speaking from experience, as I see my own adult children keeping their distance from my Mom, who has always been the most loving and caring mother and grandmother. It's sad to see that her grandchildren have little patience, compassion, and understanding regarding her declining mental state. I give you tremendous kudos for the kind person you obviously are. Graceterry gave you excellent advice about being consistent and persistent in enforcing the proper care of the stoma. It is no small thing, and cannot go on being done in a haphazard manner. The lack of help from your Dad is not good at all, but sometimes men (and sons) are like this, especially in these delicate sensitive areas with women. So it's in your hands to say and think, "I'm sorry if this makes you feel embarrassed or uncomforable, but if it's not done properly you will feel much worse than embarrassed and uncomfortable!!" (Not to mention that it is entirely unfair for you to have the burden of the constant clean up of messes around the house, which could lead to unhealthy conditions for you all.) Maybe your Dad would change is attitude a bit if HE had to start cleaning up the messes around the house!! ;-) Best of luck to you, and hold your ground. Grandma has a saint for a granddaughter!
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Can cnas come to the house to help? My mom is in the same situation and no agency will come to the house so we had to put her in a nursing home which is awful!! Any advice on finding a person to come to the house to help?????
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find someone who is private - doesn't even have to be cnas.....they can be trained and do for you - expect to pay $13-15/hr
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hi my grandmother was operated for a tumour last month and doc had put a colostomy bag..she cries a lot as she feels pain in stoma i guess. now doctor is saying that we cannot put it back as it has cancer in it and has spreaded all over..but my grandmother is recovering day by day..can this be happen..??or i think doctor is making fool out of us.pleae soebody let me know it this can be trated as i cannot see her in pain any more..please help..pleasee..
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Dear Christa, thank God for caring granddaughters like you! I hope since starting this thread you have been able to benefit from everybody's great suggestions. Does Grandma enjoy music? If so, maybe she'll let you play some while you're taking care of her bag and personal needs. Frank Sinatra may be a good place to start, old Blue Eyes! Wishing you much luck!
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Terry512 and 1RareFind someone added a post in April 2016, and that was "new post" as far as the automated notifier is concerned. I've gotten caught more than once, but now the first thing I do is notice the date. If it is very old I go to end to see what the recent posts are. Sometimes a person has found it in a search and added to it. If it a reply to the OP, I ignore the whole thing. If it is a "new" topic, I answer the latest poster, not the original.

It is not "AgingCare" that is causing these to come up as new posts -- it is posters added new comments.
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